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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

attending children's birthday parties, when you have no children of your own?

107 replies

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 22:34

So looking for a little advice, or perspective about this. I have taken a bit of a hump with one of my friends.

Basically, DH is friends with a large group of men who he has been close to since school. We were the first to be married in this group, however 4 of the men are now dads. We socialise regularly altogether (and have done for 5+ years), as a large group so I would consider the girlfriends and fiancees of DH's friends my own friends now too and we often do our own meet ups to go out for dinner or some drinks. The ones who are now parents often do their own meet ups, going to soft play together or having play dates in their own houses, without inviting along the ones without children which is fair enough.

However, one of the mums has a little boy who is turning one next week. DH had found out from his friend (little boys dad) months ago they were planning a huge party for this and the mum was going to a lot of effort including getting invitations professionally made and hiring dress up characters for the kids coming. We didn't think much of it, until the dad of the little boy mentioned today that it was on Saturday. We did not receive an invitation and have been told of no other details other than the fact of its this saturday. I am a little miffed, especially as I have found out that the professionally made invitations had indeed gone out, but only to those of the group with children. Mum of the little boy had even set up a facebook group chat including solely those who have children just to request their addresses to send out invitations.

DH did not see an issue with this, he seems to think that we are still invited as his friend had said to him about it. However, I see it as a deliberate snub of the mum who is the one actually planning the party. DH's friend had apparently said to her about this, and the fact there is another 5 couples without children who know none of the party details and considering it is this saturday, most will already have plans.

I am probably looking into this far too much, but I can't help but feel a little left out. We don't have a lot of opportunity to spend time with the kids in the group as most meet ups are adult only. And DH and I had discussed in great detail finding the perfect gift for the little boy as we do have a bit of a soft spot, and his dad was best man at our wedding 6 months ago.

AIBU or do I have genuine reason to be upset over this?

OP posts:

SisterMoonshine · 24/02/2015 22:41

I don't think it's a deliberate snub.
It probably hasn't occurred to her you would be upset at not getting a kiddie invitation and miss the characters.

cunexttuesonline · 24/02/2015 22:41

I think YABU, the invites will most likely be to the other children, it being a children's party. The other friends in the group who are parents will be at the party to accompany their children.

wartsnall · 24/02/2015 22:42

The invites were probably for the children's benefit, I can see why you,re miffed but you,re still invited albeit by word of mouth.
I hope you go and really enjoy yourselves.

lloydlf33 · 24/02/2015 22:43

I think you've had a lucky escape! Kids parties are hellish!

MrsBungle · 24/02/2015 22:48

I've never invited adults to my kids parties - it is the children who are invited although obviously the parents do accompany them. It wouldn't cross my mind that any adult without children would want to come!

Original poster

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 22:49

Thanks all.
I guess it still doesn't feel like we have had a proper invite as we know the day, but we know no other details. DH (typically) hasn't even thought to ask his friends of the other details. But it looks unlikely we will be going as we do have other plans now. Which is a shame, as I had been looking forward to meeting up with everyone and all the children again.

I guess we did expect an invite. For previous birthday parties we had received an invite to myself and DH- albeit it's still the same kiddie style invite- but surely it's doing that or people not showing up as they don't know any of the details?

OP posts:

DarkHeart · 24/02/2015 22:50

TBH I can't see why you would think you would get an invite to a childs party - surely the invites were for the children not the parents????

Cooki3Monst3r · 24/02/2015 22:53

I can see this both ways.

First, it would seem to me that you have not been invited. But, I wouldn't necessarily be offended by this. Parties aren't cheap to host and sometimes inviting every single person you know just isn't possible, economical or practical. This is, after all, a children's party. I don't think many people would invite non-parents to a children's party.

Personally, we invite to our DCs party's the GPs and one non-parent GodParent. This is mainly because I think I should, and I'm fairly sure most them only come because they think they should too. I don't have time to talk to any of them properly during the party, and if you don't have children, a children's party can be really, really boring!

It sounds like your very close to the b'day child. But, if the parents have a lot of very good childless friends who are also very close to the b'day child, it's probably just not practical to invite you all.

If you're as close as you say/think you are then you should be able to txt / call the mum with a simple "are you around at the weekend - when would be best to drop off present?". That will be hint enough for her to extend an invite if she wants to.

Original poster

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 22:55

As a little context, the oldest child amongst the group is 2. The youngest is 4 months. Of course children in the family are invited and they are older. So I expected an invitation solely for the fact that we needed to know the party details if we were to be invited. If it was a children only party, then yes fair enough I wouldn't expect to receive an invitation. From what DH heard from his friend, it seems he had one idea what he wanted from his son's party and another idea that the mother had.

OP posts:

championnibbler · 24/02/2015 22:57

Kids parties are a bit rubbish IMO.
You are missing nowt.

Cooki3Monst3r · 24/02/2015 22:57

Sorry, OP, you've lost me. So, this isn't a children's party??

Cooki3Monst3r · 24/02/2015 22:59

I think not receiving an invite, means you're not invited.

I wouldn't listen to what the DH's say. They generally know jack shit. Particularly about parties.

Is your beef that you think you're invited, but that you weren't given details about it in time?

Original poster

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:02

This party has been months in the planning. The dad wanted to hire a hall, have a soft play company come round and set up and the adults would have somewhere to congregate and have a chat/coffees/few drinks if they chose to. So we have had involvement in the party from that point in time, when DH was asked his advice on any good venue choices- we had an engagement party in a hall he asked our advise on. We have known for months there was to be a party, and it was always discussed in the way that we would be invited.
However, it now seems that although the party is still in the hall, the mother, who took charge of invitations (and it seems the entire party planning) did not extend the details to those without children. I believe it to still be a soft play type party.

OP posts:

DawnOfTheDoggers · 24/02/2015 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ashtrayheart · 24/02/2015 23:04

I don't invite my childless best friends to my dc's parties, I think they have better things to do! I'm confused by this thread.

Original poster

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:07

I realise this may be throwing into light a lot of communication issues between the parents of bday boy.

This friend has increasingly distanced herself away from the group in general since having her son. Not a huge issue I know, as a mother she has a lot more responsibilities and is not able to come out on a whim and socialise with the rest of the ladies anymore. So it has seemed a bit of a snub especially from her as ever invitation we extend to her, she refuses. We keep in touch by myself and DH visiting their home, but it does seem entirely one sided with us always asking to have a meet up rather than being invited over.

I sort of see this as another snub to our friendship. While boy's father seems very keen to keep up contact with childless friends, the mum seems to just make it so there is less contact with childless friends. If that makes any sense at all...

OP posts:

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/02/2015 23:09

I think you have been excluded, but not maliciously. It's a children's party so invites have been sent to children. Their parents will go too as the children are too young to be left, but they're not really 'invited' either. Honestly, count yourself lucky...

Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:10

We don't have a lot of opportunity to spend time with the kids in the group as most meet ups are adult only.

So you are friends with the adults in the group, and this is a party for children.

We did a big party for dd's first birthday and we did invite our own friends, but most baby/toddler parties that I have been to are full of other babies and toddlers.

Don't be offended - they probably thought you would have better things to do. :)

eveylikesv · 24/02/2015 23:10

Yanbu, pre ds we always used to get invite from our friend's to their ds party. At the party itself there would be a mixture of people with and without dcs. For ds 1st birthday party l invited all our friends regardless if they have dc on their own.
We have also attended parties to which dp just got verbal invitation, was never a problem.
Are you close to the mum of birthday dc?

Original poster

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:11

And yes, by choice I wouldn't be giving up my Saturday to go to a children's birthday party. But from the planning stages to this party, it seemed as more of an all round get together for children and parents and childless friends, something that (understandably) very rarely happens in our social group. So I suppose I was looking forward to that...

OP posts:

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/02/2015 23:12

Just read your last post. Again, she may not be deliberately distancing herself from her childless friends, but she's pribsvky found that her world has shrunk. Mine has (hopefully temporarily !) and I definiteky find it easier to socialise with people with children.

Original poster

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:12

I had been close friends to birthday boys mum, however this is now much more strained with her never making contact first and always refusing social invitations.

OP posts:

OddFodd · 24/02/2015 23:13

I have never invited my childless friends to my child's birthday parties. It just wouldn't occur to me that they'd want to come. And I'd worry that they'd feel obliged if I did invite them.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/02/2015 23:13

Probably
Definitely

I can spell but my phone likes to pretend I can't.

Original poster

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:15

All the children in the group we have contact with. All were invited to our wedding, two of them did come and the rest the parents decided they would rather have the night off.

We actively want to be involved in our friends children's lives! We don't have any nieces or nephews. All birthdays and christmas' are marked with a gift and card.

OP posts:

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