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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

attending children's birthday parties, when you have no children of your own?

107 replies

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 22:34

So looking for a little advice, or perspective about this. I have taken a bit of a hump with one of my friends.

Basically, DH is friends with a large group of men who he has been close to since school. We were the first to be married in this group, however 4 of the men are now dads. We socialise regularly altogether (and have done for 5+ years), as a large group so I would consider the girlfriends and fiancees of DH's friends my own friends now too and we often do our own meet ups to go out for dinner or some drinks. The ones who are now parents often do their own meet ups, going to soft play together or having play dates in their own houses, without inviting along the ones without children which is fair enough.

However, one of the mums has a little boy who is turning one next week. DH had found out from his friend (little boys dad) months ago they were planning a huge party for this and the mum was going to a lot of effort including getting invitations professionally made and hiring dress up characters for the kids coming. We didn't think much of it, until the dad of the little boy mentioned today that it was on Saturday. We did not receive an invitation and have been told of no other details other than the fact of its this saturday. I am a little miffed, especially as I have found out that the professionally made invitations had indeed gone out, but only to those of the group with children. Mum of the little boy had even set up a facebook group chat including solely those who have children just to request their addresses to send out invitations.

DH did not see an issue with this, he seems to think that we are still invited as his friend had said to him about it. However, I see it as a deliberate snub of the mum who is the one actually planning the party. DH's friend had apparently said to her about this, and the fact there is another 5 couples without children who know none of the party details and considering it is this saturday, most will already have plans.

I am probably looking into this far too much, but I can't help but feel a little left out. We don't have a lot of opportunity to spend time with the kids in the group as most meet ups are adult only. And DH and I had discussed in great detail finding the perfect gift for the little boy as we do have a bit of a soft spot, and his dad was best man at our wedding 6 months ago.

AIBU or do I have genuine reason to be upset over this?

OP posts:
MrsBungle · 25/02/2015 07:00

Like I said before, I've never invited adults to my kids parties, mainly as I wouldn't dream they'd be interested. Someone upthread made a good point though, it's hard enough running a kids party without having to also host a load of adults. I think saying this is a "fiasco" is way over the top. The mum has arranged a childrens party - for children. Arrange something else child-friendly with them if you want to catch up with the kids.

dustarr73 · 25/02/2015 07:12

\Go op i bet you wont want to go to the next one.Childrens parties are so boring and if its in a softplay i know a lot of places now wont let adults in unless they have kids wiht them.

Tryharder · 25/02/2015 07:31

Just pop in, say hello, coo over the littlies, hand over present and bugger off to do some interesting adult stuff.

Jobzagoodun

Soft play is hell.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2015 07:32

In the nicest possible way, I agree with midnight, you sound a leeeetle obsessed by this kids party. The lady is your dh good friends wife, she does not sound like a good friend of yours. This party by the sounds of it is just for kids and parents, you are clearly not invited, so leave it alone and do something else on that day. It is in a soft play so should tell you everything really. Don't bring it up with anybody else!

TiggieBoo · 25/02/2015 07:36

You wanted an invitation to a children's party? How strange. A children's party is not a get together for adults.

Cooki3Monst3r · 25/02/2015 08:06

Read the thread people!! This isn't as simple as wanting an invite to a children's party.

PoppySeed you see, this is what happens when the DHs think, without giving any consideration to The Rules. They're a damn nuisance. (The DH's, not The Rules) ;-)

Playthegameout · 25/02/2015 08:12

Op, when it was our pfb's 1st birthday we did similar to this couple . We had some invitations made and sent them to the dc we were inviting. Then we very casually mentioned to our childless friends that they were welcome to come round for a cup of tea/cake . But we didn't want the childfree friends to feel obliged because, lets face it, kids birthday parties are chaos. maybe that's how this couple feel?

Do you spend much time doing things with the families ? We sometimes do big group days out to the zoo /picnics with the whole group friends including the kids . If you don't see much of them maybe the mum thought you wouldn't be that interested in the party .

QuintessentiallyInShade · 25/02/2015 08:13

I guess your dh labour under the illusion that the menfolk can stand around and chat and see it as a social gathering of men, while the women are 100% focused on supervising their babies/ toddlers.

That's why your dh insist you are invited.

Is he usually a little socially inept?

If it was my child's party I would not want any childless folk standing around eating all the nibbles while preventing the various parents from keeping an eye on their kids.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 25/02/2015 08:55

*"I guess your dh labour under the illusion that the menfolk can stand around and chat and see it as a social gathering of men, while the women are 100% focused on supervising their babies/ toddlers.

That's why your dh insist you are invited."*

This, times a million. I'd also hazard a guess its why your friend's DH has invited your DH - he's fully intending to just sit their gabbing away to his mates while his wife gets on with actually doing the partywork. OP, I'm afraid you and your DH owe it to womankind not to go to this party Grin

Mousefinkle · 25/02/2015 09:18

I thought this thread was going to be about the fact you'd been invited and really didn't want to go tbh.

Why would you want to go to a children's birthday party? Are you a particularly big fan of iggle piggle?

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 25/02/2015 11:08

OP how has your DH's friend being since the baby was born? Has he taken responsibility or has he, like so many other's you hear of on here, continued to live his life as if he has no responsibilities. Is it possible his DP hasn't invited you because she doesn't want her DP ending up in a drinking session with his mates while she does all the hard work?

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2015 11:16

I think Playthegameout may be right.

Thurlow · 25/02/2015 11:19

I don't actually think YABU.

A one year old baby has absolutely no idea a) that it's their birthday or b) that it is their party.

As far as it's been around us, "parties" for very young children are just excuses for friends and family to get together, because no group of children around the age of 1 understand what's actually going on. Even if you make it an event and hire entertainment, it's just soft play in a slightly different place, and the chances are your baby is probably going to spend the 3 hour party obsessed with a chair leg anyway.

So given that it's not a party the kids want, it's not a 4 year old's specially chosen Frozen themed party for her friends from nursery - it's hardly "about the kids" at 1, is it?

It's about friends and family celebrating. At which point, why would you deliberately exclude someone who doesn't have children yet?

PatriciaHolm · 25/02/2015 11:33

Look. It's a baby's birthday party. From what you've said, the Mum may well not be that keen on a lot of her husband's old friends, and can't see why those without kids would possibly want to go to a baby's birthday, which presumably will be very focused on the kids; there may be a bunch of nursery or NCT friends there. She sees it as a very different social event to the kind of adults-having-a-drink-and-patting-the-odd-child-on-the-head sort of thing that you seem to be wanting.

She hasn't picked you out particularly, she seems to have excluded all those without kids, because, to her, it's not that kind of party. The DH has invited you because quite frankly he has no idea how much work a kids party actually is when you are the parents, and envisages himself sitting around with a beer in hand chatting to his mates. Not going to happen. And his wife, who I am assuming has been to a fair number more kids parties/playgroups/soft play sessions that him, knows this.

DoJo · 25/02/2015 11:41

Our son's first and second birthday parties were mostly adults - we invited a lot of friends over, and those with kids brought them but those without didn't. Any excuse for a party us, and he didn't really know or care what was going on except that he loves it when we have a houseful so it was fun for him too!

OP - I don't understand why you are so insistent on hearing from the wife about this? The child's father is your husband's friend, but you want to be personally invited by the half of the couple that you know least well. It doesn't sound like a fiasco to me - just that she was responsible for inviting the children and their parents and he is inviting other friends.

2rebecca · 25/02/2015 11:51

I suspect they need the numbers of the kids as they are the ones in soft play having food/ party bags/ whatever so they get invites where as they are more relaxed about which adults do and don't come if no kids in tow as they don't affect the catering.
I'd ask my husband to check with his friend that you are invited and if he says yes and you want to go I'd go. Agree with DoJo on this.
Suspect the party has grown arms and legs and the mother wishes she hadn't bothered now and had just stayed at home with a cake and a candle to blow out.

eggface · 25/02/2015 11:54

yabu
because you're miffed that the wife is moving into a child-centred lifestyle and you're being left out. unfortuately that's where she's at. You don't get it as you don't have kids, and that's one of the rotten things about not having kids when others do.

You might want to be included but you can't really be as you're not in that lifestyle. It sucks, but you have to suck it up - just enjoy your lie-ins on Saturdays.

You don't seem to understand that in general she doesn't really want to come out without the DC, and she's not really thinking about non-parents right now. Some people are like that with children. Her children might be super high-need and high-demand. Maybe they don't sleep, maybe they get ill. Your other 5 female friends, who are always up for coming out for dinner, might have an easier time of it!

i don't think this is about the party.

don't think her DH should have invited people either - I'm with PatriciaHolm I think he hasn't realised how much work it will be for him.

2rebecca · 25/02/2015 11:54

Do agree with Onilkymoor's sentiments though and I probably wouldn't go to a kids' party unless I was planning to help.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 25/02/2015 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisappointedOne · 25/02/2015 12:42

We have attended every one of our odd childrens' birthday parties, including the 10 or so that took place before we had our daughter.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 25/02/2015 12:47

Thanks all for the comments. TBH i think there a lot of fair comments on this. DC's dad obviously wants the social birthday party with all the family and friends, it seems DC's mum wants a kid focused party.

Just to clear up a few things- DC's dad was under the impression all his friends got invites, even the ones without children. DC's mum had sent out a fb group chat asking for addresses (of the friends with children), DC's dad was under the impression that this was a group chat to all the friends to get their addresses. So I wasn't completely off the mark and 'odd' to expect a kiddie invitation, when the DC's dad had intended for all the friends to receive one.

I appreciate that our lives are different and she has different priorities now she has a child. DC's dad (DH's friend) is a very involved dad and does seem to take his responsibilities seriously (although I can't say for 100% as I dont live with them!) but he does still attend social events with DH or altogether as a group without his partner.

I am reluctant to phone her as we are definitely not as close as what we had been. And in all honesty, it sounds like DC's parents are not on the same page as each other with the party and I'd rather not throw things into the light and cause any hassle with it.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 25/02/2015 12:59

You do seem to be making a bit of a palaver about it all.

How many people are in the group? It might be that she thinks it's all getting a bit unwieldy and there's a herd mentality developing where everyone has to be invited to everything and she wants to break that?

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 25/02/2015 13:03

I am overthinking it, but that's me. I overthink everything and I need to chill out.

There's about 8 couples. One or two single guys that attend most things too. And yes maybe there is a bit of a 'ohh that's a very big group'.

OP posts:
MiddleAgedandConfused · 25/02/2015 13:07

It would never occur to me to invite friends without kids to my children's parties - but only because I can't imagine why they would want to come. GPs and possibly aunts/uncles might get an invite - but I would not take offence if they decided they had better things to do with their time. And if I did invite any adults, I would not send them a formal invite - it would be just be a simple 'drop in if for cake you can'.
I doubt there was any malice behind this - I think it is a genuine misunderstanding. I am sure a simple phone call will sort it all out.

TwatFaceBitch · 25/02/2015 13:11

Op, I have to agree with pp, it really doesn't sound like you are that close to her. Having get togethers with lots of people from a group isn't a close friendship, you don't socialise with her on her own or with her dc. Which a close friend would.
If she had arranged a laid back gathering at home with a bit of cake, and invited other childless couples, then I could agree yanbu. But what has been organised is a very child centred party, and they really are not adult socialising friendly. Parents will be preoccupied with there dc, conversations at soft play partys are disjointed superficial politeness. Then all the children sit down to eat the adults hang about behind there dc chairs waiting on them passing food around mopping up spilt drinks. Adults get to pick over the food afterwards. Then it's a waiting game, of rounding children up, stalling tantrums, standing in a big clump of children and adults trying to say goodbye and picking up a party bag.
After the first couple of childrens partys dh and me decided there really was no need for both of to be there. No matter how close we both were to parents. We then took it in turns to take our dc to childrens partys, unless it was a casual bqq type party.

I think she may not have text you back, because she was probably very embarrassed about saying you aren't invited. I also think the dh has invited you because he wants adult company, and wants to take a backseat to the chaos of the childrens party.

I Don't think you have been snubbed, popping round to drop a card and present off on route to your other engagement. Would be fine.