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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

attending children's birthday parties, when you have no children of your own?

107 replies

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 22:34

So looking for a little advice, or perspective about this. I have taken a bit of a hump with one of my friends.

Basically, DH is friends with a large group of men who he has been close to since school. We were the first to be married in this group, however 4 of the men are now dads. We socialise regularly altogether (and have done for 5+ years), as a large group so I would consider the girlfriends and fiancees of DH's friends my own friends now too and we often do our own meet ups to go out for dinner or some drinks. The ones who are now parents often do their own meet ups, going to soft play together or having play dates in their own houses, without inviting along the ones without children which is fair enough.

However, one of the mums has a little boy who is turning one next week. DH had found out from his friend (little boys dad) months ago they were planning a huge party for this and the mum was going to a lot of effort including getting invitations professionally made and hiring dress up characters for the kids coming. We didn't think much of it, until the dad of the little boy mentioned today that it was on Saturday. We did not receive an invitation and have been told of no other details other than the fact of its this saturday. I am a little miffed, especially as I have found out that the professionally made invitations had indeed gone out, but only to those of the group with children. Mum of the little boy had even set up a facebook group chat including solely those who have children just to request their addresses to send out invitations.

DH did not see an issue with this, he seems to think that we are still invited as his friend had said to him about it. However, I see it as a deliberate snub of the mum who is the one actually planning the party. DH's friend had apparently said to her about this, and the fact there is another 5 couples without children who know none of the party details and considering it is this saturday, most will already have plans.

I am probably looking into this far too much, but I can't help but feel a little left out. We don't have a lot of opportunity to spend time with the kids in the group as most meet ups are adult only. And DH and I had discussed in great detail finding the perfect gift for the little boy as we do have a bit of a soft spot, and his dad was best man at our wedding 6 months ago.

AIBU or do I have genuine reason to be upset over this?

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 24/02/2015 23:41

The husband clearly wants to make it an adults get together & the wife wants it to be a kids party, it's a kids birthday so wife wins.

SukieTuesday · 24/02/2015 23:41

I misunderstood and thought you had been closer friends.

DuchessofBuffonia · 24/02/2015 23:46

I may be in the minority, but I say YANBU OP. I am surprised by some of the other responses, but I guess it shows that different friendship groups have different norms.

I have a 2yr old. In our main social group, the oldest child is 6. We have always been invited to birthday parties (and willingly gone as we adore all of our friends' children as well as them).

With our child's birthdays, we invite our closest childless friends, along with those with children, and again, the majority come.

I would feel a little hurt and snubbed. Kick DH up the bottom and get him to confirm with his friend whether you're invited or not.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:49

Tomorrow I will send a message to the mum and see what the plan is. DH's just of the opinion that yes we should go as his friend has said to him to come- although if I ask directly then at least I know where we stand.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:55

I have to say, I have been a little surprised also by some reactions. I dont think wanting to celebrate some of our friends children's birthdays makes us 'weird'. Okay, maybe going along to a children's party isn't my ideal Saturday afternoon, but if it gives us a rare opportunity to see how the little ones are doing and get a chance to socialise with everyone altogether then why not?
We don't have children yet, but I adore children. With none in our families, I want to spend time with the children of our friends. When our friends regularly meet up with their children together, then we don't have the opportunity to be included in that due to not being in the 'parent group' then I need to take the special occasions when I can see them together. Our friends work hard, and they need a break occasionally. So when we do meet up socially, it is something without children, at their request as they don't want to be spending time with their friends while still keeping an eye on their little ones.
So thank you for all the helpful advice.

OP posts:
Cooki3Monst3r · 24/02/2015 23:57

Ok, so this is a simple case of DH putting his foot in it. The other DH that is.

As the friend DH has expressly asked you to go, then it would be rude not to go. However, quite obviously the wife doesn't want you there. Not because it's you, but because she's trying very hard to put on a lovely children's party and didn't want all and sundry there to have to feed and host.

I would go, smile nicely, give a present, stay for a cup of tea if offered then head off to your other engagement. You don't want to be stuck in the middle of a domestic.

Regarding, all the other stuff with the wife, if sounds like you're overreacting. She's got a baby. She doesn't want to do grown up stuff without him. Simple as really.

Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2015 23:58

poppyseedbagel you are not weird. Mumsnet is weird!

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 25/02/2015 00:01

Thanks cooki3. I am totally accepting of mum wanting to take a step back from social occasions. We continue to invite her along, and if she chooses to come then all is well and good. With 5 other mums in the group, it came as a bit of a surprise when they all jump at the chance to get out and socialise with other adults while DC's mum seems to avoid it at all costs. But each to their own, and we are not holding that against her.
There have been other separate incidents which we would be holding against her for acting completely unreasonably (although most of these occasions have been acting unreasonably against her DP in regards to the child and therefore we will not be involved in that).

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyInShade · 25/02/2015 00:05

Christ on a bike!

What weirdos are trying to gate crash a 1 year olds soft play party in a hall!! Fgs! Confused

Needy much?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2015 00:11

Well it's certain your not invited, only those with kids. Which is fair enough really as its a kiddy based party. You've had a lucky escape.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 25/02/2015 00:11

Aaaaaand I think at that comment I will agree with Italiangreyhound and scarper before I start getting labelled as some sort of child obsessive weirdo Hmm

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 25/02/2015 00:11

YANBU, it's a Child's first birthday party, which is more of a wider social occasion than a regular children's party. At ours, it was a great get together for the adults too. I'd be peeved too.

Thumbwitch · 25/02/2015 00:12

My sister always had large all-comers parties for her DC when they were under school age. Lots of people without children - she used the event as an excuse to get her friends together, several of whom were godparents or relatives of the children (even though childless themselves). She didn't stop inviting her own friends until her DC got to school and that was when she started doing child-centric parties.

I think for a first birthday party it is fine to invite childless friends too - and I can see why you're upset, but you're not the only ones to miss out, so I wouldn't take it personally.

Scuttlebutter · 25/02/2015 00:12

I don't have children and I would rather knaw off my own arm than go to a child's first birthday party. OP, this really isn't about you. This is a party for the PFB DC, other DC and any parents who may have to come along, supervise, help etc. The bloke has invited your DP as some male company so they can retreat together to the kitchen or out the back to talk about flange sprockets, or beard oil or some other manly stuff while the other mums get on with the work/supervising the kids/hosing buttercream off the walls. Stay away and be glad you dodged a bullet.

SavoyCabbage · 25/02/2015 00:14

My best friends dh sounds like host-dad. She will tell me her bathroom has flooded and the cat is stuck up the chimney and he will be asking us over for lunch. Before we go anywhere with them we have to prep the dc that we will not be going back to their house. He's a serial inviter.

To me, you don't sound that close. You live too far away to meet up for coffee and you don't do things with just her or her and her dc. You have other plans anyway so I would just leave it.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 25/02/2015 00:20

I think it's more DH wanting to go. I have said to him that I'm thinking that I won't be going, so he can just go himself which (surprisingly) he doesn't sound too keen on. Hmm

But anyways, I am meeting up with one of the others from the group tomorrow so I can test the waters a bit and see what she knows and who's all up for going etc. But I think I am set on not going, DH and I do have plans for later on that we can easily use as an excuse, whilst pairing with the fact we didn't know the details.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2015 00:25

I think op if you haven't got an invite then you gavent been invited. I feel it's only for those with kids, if you had kids you would most definitely be invited. I think that she has thought that you being childless you would not want to go to a kids party, for most they would rather be doing something else, I would feel the same if I were childless. No offence op, you and dh do something else instead and get birthday boy a card and pressie.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 25/02/2015 00:32

I had said to DH that without the invite I didn't think we were invited. But ahh how he is always right and his friend had said X, Y and Z.

But DC's mum knew weeks ago that her partner had invited us, I had texted her about the venue- at the time not knowing when it was. And she did not reply, and this was after a long text conversation we had been having so unlikely that only this message had been lost or missed for whatever reason. So I am under the impression that either she thought we knew all the arrangements or was deliberately quiet about it so we would not know the other arrangements.

OP posts:
Sagethyme · 25/02/2015 00:34

Please tell me Nelly Puff is a new phrase and not a typo errorr i love it! Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2015 00:35

I think that she was quiet as you were not invited. I çoukd not go if I had not recieved one of the invitations.

whovillewho · 25/02/2015 01:01

In my experience first birthday parties are more about the adults than the children - especially if one of the first in the group so not many older children around. So parents celebrating with their friends and a few small children dotted about. Have never sent or received a formal invitation, usually just a group email. In fact we invited our friends - including those without children - up until the school-age parties kicked in.

Were the invitations sent to just 'her' friends or to friends of both parents? She may have missed you out because she felt it was her DH's job to invite you? Not very friendly or inclusive, but you should probably go along if you are close friends of her DH as it's important that he gets to celebrate with his friends too.

Thumbwitch · 25/02/2015 02:23

I think, if your DP really wants to go, then he should speak to his friend and ask him to check that his wife is happy for you all to go along. It would be dismally uncomfortable if your DP and the rest of the friends turned up and she didn't want any of them there!
IF the wife then says yes, the DH's friends can come along too, then you should all go. But the communications need to improve between them, not between anyone else! I realise this isn't your responsibility, but it's the only sane way out of it, I think - make him talk to his wife about whether or not his childless friends are invited!

Thumbwitch · 25/02/2015 02:23

Sorry, got my DHs and DPs the wrong way round there! Blush

Writerwannabe83 · 25/02/2015 06:04

It is my DS's first birthday coming up and me and DH are making arrangements.

We have lots of friends but certainly aren't inviting the ones who haven't got children because why would we??

The party is for babies and children, not a social occasion for me and DH.

I'm pretty sure any childless people would be bored stiff Grin Before I had DS I was invited to some "First Birthday" parties and I showed my face because I felt like I had to and then clock watched until it was time to leave.

The parties I have been to since DS's arrival have been much better because I get to see him enjoying himself which is what it's all about, the children having fun.

You are overthinking it OP.

MidniteScribbler · 25/02/2015 06:17

Quite frankly, your obsession with this woman and her child's party are way over the top. It's a children's party, not an adult party, and you don't have children. How many years do you want to go to her child's parties? Five, ten, sixteen?

Perhaps it's time to face the fact that this woman is just not that in to you. You might get along ok in a social setting, but she has given no indication of wanting to be closer friends with you. You need to accept that.