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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

attending children's birthday parties, when you have no children of your own?

107 replies

poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 22:34

So looking for a little advice, or perspective about this. I have taken a bit of a hump with one of my friends.

Basically, DH is friends with a large group of men who he has been close to since school. We were the first to be married in this group, however 4 of the men are now dads. We socialise regularly altogether (and have done for 5+ years), as a large group so I would consider the girlfriends and fiancees of DH's friends my own friends now too and we often do our own meet ups to go out for dinner or some drinks. The ones who are now parents often do their own meet ups, going to soft play together or having play dates in their own houses, without inviting along the ones without children which is fair enough.

However, one of the mums has a little boy who is turning one next week. DH had found out from his friend (little boys dad) months ago they were planning a huge party for this and the mum was going to a lot of effort including getting invitations professionally made and hiring dress up characters for the kids coming. We didn't think much of it, until the dad of the little boy mentioned today that it was on Saturday. We did not receive an invitation and have been told of no other details other than the fact of its this saturday. I am a little miffed, especially as I have found out that the professionally made invitations had indeed gone out, but only to those of the group with children. Mum of the little boy had even set up a facebook group chat including solely those who have children just to request their addresses to send out invitations.

DH did not see an issue with this, he seems to think that we are still invited as his friend had said to him about it. However, I see it as a deliberate snub of the mum who is the one actually planning the party. DH's friend had apparently said to her about this, and the fact there is another 5 couples without children who know none of the party details and considering it is this saturday, most will already have plans.

I am probably looking into this far too much, but I can't help but feel a little left out. We don't have a lot of opportunity to spend time with the kids in the group as most meet ups are adult only. And DH and I had discussed in great detail finding the perfect gift for the little boy as we do have a bit of a soft spot, and his dad was best man at our wedding 6 months ago.

AIBU or do I have genuine reason to be upset over this?

OP posts:
Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:15

But from the planning stages to this party, it seemed as more of an all round get together for children and parents and childless friends, something that (understandably) very rarely happens in our social group. So I suppose I was looking forward to that...

I guess that's the point, really, isn't it OP? You were thinking of this as a general social occasion where your whole friendship group could get together for once. Your friends are probably thinking of it as a party for their DS, with activities for the children being their main focus. It might not have occurred to them that you were looking at it differently.

Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:17

I wouldn't invite childless adults to dd's parties generally, either, as I'd be worried that they would feel obliged to buy gifts etc.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:17

With the boys mum, I think she is purposely distancing herself. There had been frequent incidents starting at the point of her pregnancy which made her true feelings clear when it came to being a parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:20

Seekingtheanswers- "Your friends are probably thinking of it as a party for their DS" Definitely the mum. DH's friend, had been the one that initiated the thinking that this was to be a social event for all.

For other children's parties in the group- we have not been invited. And it has not been an issue. It was made clear from the beginning that it was a children's party only.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 24/02/2015 23:20

There are two childless friends in my group, they aren't invited to DC parties within the group. They have never expressed a desire or complaint tbh. You tend to invite your friends DC to make it feel party like when they are toddlers - the more adults there the less 'birthday party' it feels and the more 'general friends get together' it becomes.

Also...

It can be hard adjusting to life with DC, your friend may be able to do the DC centric stuff with fellow moms but anything extra feels too much. I am guilty of this. Its not purposeful, but it took me a long time to readjust and cope with more than the essentials (seeing other moms who I could lean on for support - and vise versa - was essential, nights out were not.)

Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:21

OK, so this isn't really about the party, is it?

Has she distanced herself from all of her friends who don't have children? If so, then I guess you'll just have to accept that it's her choice and it obviously isn't personal.

If it is just you, could you ask her whether you have upset her in some way?

SukieTuesday · 24/02/2015 23:23

Have any of your invites to her been for her to bring her baby with her and do something child friendly?

Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:25

DH's friend, had been the one that initiated the thinking that this was to be a social event for all.

This is the kind of thing my DH would do tbh - invite all and sundry along to something that is supposed to be quite child-focused.

Rightly or wrongly, mums still tend to do more of the kids' party organising in my experience. If she is planning it and had a children's party in mind, then it's easy to see why you weren't invited. Sounds like poor communication between her and her DH though.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:26

Well, I suppose bringing it back to the party. Dh's friend is saying we are invited, along with all the other childless couples who did not receive an invitation. DH would still like to go, and is definitely not reading into this such as I am. Whereas I am dead against not going now solely for the fact that I do believe it was deliberate in us not being invited by the childs mum.

The issues with child's mum are a whole separate story, but I am happy to give her the space that she wants. I'm sure as her son does get older she will want to have more of a social life and that's fine. I won't hold a grudge if in a years time she starts accepting social invitations and begins to come out again.

So.. wwyd? Go or not go?

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:29

Sukie, thats the type of thing that she does with the other mums in the group. In all honesty, I don't know who arranges these meet ups whether it be her or other mums. The social events we usually do in the group have been mainly adult focused- more for the other mums and dads who want time off. If it was to be something involving her son, it would be us visiting their house for an afternoon for a coffee and a chat.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 24/02/2015 23:30

Can you ring the DC mom and ask her?

Or get your DH to ring the DC dad and ask him what the score is?

I would be seriously pissed off (at my DH) if my DCs party that I had arranged to be a child's birthday party turned into a general adult get together. Luckily my DH isn't quite that stupid though!

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:32

Seekingtheanswers - I do believe the whole root of this has been poor communication. However, weeks ago I had sent her a text about something DH had told me (that sons dad and said to him) about the party that I queried and she ignored. So she has known for weeks that her partner had at least said to us. And it was only found out today apparently by her partner that she had not sent invitations to all the group, whereas he had thought she had invited us all.

OP posts:
SukieTuesday · 24/02/2015 23:33

So you've never invited her to eg go out for a coffee and bring her DS with her?

Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:33

I agree, ring and ask her if you can.

Failing that, just pop in for a very short while but say you have to be somewhere else so can't stay?

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:35

Dh has spoken to DC's dad, and he is still saying that all are invited. And it seems that he really wants his friends to be there! DH (this usually wouldn't be his cup of tea) is really keen to go, and I think that is the enthusiasm coming from his friend.

At the moment I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to DC's mum about it as I am not certain of the reasons behind this whole fiasco.

OP posts:
Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:35

Sounds like a big communication failure between the two parents. Don't take it personally - I'm sure it wasn't meant that way.

Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2015 23:35

Whatever you do, clear up the mix up before the day and either go if appropriate or not if not. Try not to allow this to spoil the friendship.

If it were me I would talk to dh and decide what to do and my feeling would be to speak to the mum, are adult friends invited, is it appropriate for adults without kids etc etc, because you have a nice gift to give the birthday boy, you would love to see him and the other friends but you are unsure as you did not get an invite by letter but did get an invite by word from the boy's dad.

Please do tell us what happens.

Hope it works out.

Missdee2014 · 24/02/2015 23:37

OMG!! Yes you are being completely unreasonable. I have never in my nelly puff known anyone to give invitations or even actually invite a non parent/grandparent etc to a children's party. Grow up OP.

Kneedeepinshittynappies · 24/02/2015 23:37

I invite my two close friends who don't have kids to my kids parties. I also know that they would be terribly hurt if I didn't. They are my friends and want to celebrate my childrens milestones!

One friend is having some fertility issues and declined as it would be too much for her just now. I understood, and kind of expected it, but to not ask her would have made her feel like I was excluding her for not having children. I wouldn't do that to a friend!

FannyFifer · 24/02/2015 23:38

It's just plain feckin weird to want to go to a kids soft play party that you are not invited to & when you don't have any kids.

It wouldn't occur to me to invite friends without children to birthday parties & I'm pretty sure they wld not want to go.

It's a kids party not an adult one.

SukieTuesday · 24/02/2015 23:38

Your nelly puff? Grin

Seekingtheanswers · 24/02/2015 23:39

miss to be fair to the OP, the child's father has invited her and her DH, so she is confused as to whether they are welcome or not.

Original poster
poppyseedbagel · 24/02/2015 23:39

Sukie- no that's not something we would arrange. We don't live close by and transport for both of us can be an issue. Although I get on with her, we know each other well in a group. We have never been close where we arrange to do something with just us alone. If it was a social situation she was invited to, it would include other mums or childless women in the group too as a group event- such as meeting for dinner together. DH and DC's dad are very close, so if we were to visit their house, it would be as a couple and not just myself alone.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 24/02/2015 23:39

I don't think there is a fiasco OP. You are making it one. You weren't invited to the DC party by the organiser - the DC mom (clearly the dad has had very little to do with this party as he didn't even know who invites were sent to, and hasn't given you any specifics like the time!)

From what you have said here the DC mom hasn't snubbed you, she is doing social things that include her DC, you haven't offered such an event for her to attend, many parents don't like to leave their DC more than they have to. Its not a snub, its an adjustment and some parents take longer to adjust than others, some settle with solely DC centric, its not prescribed, its a natural process.

Sapat · 24/02/2015 23:40

One of my best friends always invite her childless school best friend and her husband to her DCs parties and they always come and I cannot for the life of me fathom why. Children's parties are hell, and the children consume all conscious thought, leaving no opportunity for interesting adult chats. The parties are for the children, the hosts just run around organising activities, preparing food, mopping food from surfaces and throwing food away.

I am surprised tbh that you still see the couples with young children socially. My social circle has shrunk dramatically since having DC, not because my old friends bore me but because opportunities to meet up have disappeared. I think we go out as a couple about 3 times a year. Baby sitters where we live charge £8 an hour.