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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU

111 replies

Flissypix · 23/02/2015 14:14

I recently celebrated a big birthday. I HATE my birthday its always rubbish and I didn't want to do much but I agreed to celebrate but didn't want a party.
So on the day we had booked a meal for close family (17 of us.)
In the morning my mum bought me a present a coach handbag, its nice but not my style and I had never heard of the brand. Anyway I thanked her and told her it was lovely, but I didn't scream and whoop with joy. She asked me if I liked it I said yes, she asked me if I wanted to take it back I said no of course not. (I DO) She seemed disappointed that I wasn't over the moon. I don't think it helped that I thought she had put my 'real' present in the bag (she always hides presents) as I like I said I wasn't aware it was a special bag,so I opened it expecting something else!

Anyway we went out for dinner, my mum barely spoke to,as soon as we arrived at the bar she insisted we all moved into the dining area as she was tired and wanted to eat. She then rushed us through ordering, the meal and then announced she didn't want dessert and it was silly to have any as we had cake. The moment the main was finished she brought out the cake, sang happy birthday, got the bill and left taking with her the majority of the family. My two sisters left before the cake arrived to go to their friends party in another town(which I knew about but they said they were going much later as it was going on till 2am) I was left there with my DH and 2 DDs.We were supposed to all be going out for drink afterwards. So I went home at 9pm.

I should point out that out of 17 people at the table I have organised 10 of their big birthdays including big parties,surprise parties,themed/costume parties I have usually done all the food and paid for the majority as well. Including my mums last year and my sisters 2 weeks ago! Where I actually organised 2 seperate celebrations both which took a lot of time and effort. I didn't want a party I just wanted a nice meal followed by drinks nothing major just that.

So was I being unreasonable to not be delighted? and AIBU for feeling really hurt and disappointed that none of my very close family made an effort.
(Btw my DH bought me lovely presents and organised a small party with friends the night before and afternoon tea the day after)

OP posts:
fredfredgeorgejnr · 23/02/2015 14:18

So yes, you were BU for saying no to wanting to change it when you did...

What sort of effort did you think they didn't make - they came to your meal, you said you didn't want a party, and only reluctantly celebrated it at all?

You appear to have got what you asked for with the celebration and lied to your mum about liking the present when you didn't, so YABU.

MonstrousRatbag · 23/02/2015 14:21

You didn't behave well over the present, to be honest. You should either have done your best to gush over it, or you should have admitted you wanted to change it but thanked her effusively for going to the effort.

As to the celebration-was your mother miffed with you? And if you normally hate your birthday, were you there being a bit down and grudging? Be honest with yourself.

Of course, it might be that in your family you are the giver and the others just take, I don't know. But things won't get better unless you talk to people clearly, about how you feel and what you want.

gamerchick · 23/02/2015 14:22

It's hard to say. As you dont really 'do' your own birthday.

If helps I had a big birthday recently.. I didn't get a present from anyone in the family and got a phone call from my mother on the day. It was my husband who made the effort as it sounds like yours did.

Tone back the effort for other birthdays ( I certainly am this year) and just concentrate on your own household. It'll be nice to be just a guest for a change.

Endler32 · 23/02/2015 14:22

I would have done the same as you, I wouldn't have admitted that I didn't like the bag and would have tried to look happy. I think a handbag is not a great gift, a bit like choosing a pair of shoes for someone ( I would rather chose my own bags and shoes ). I don't think YABU, you tried your best too look delighted.

SistersOfPercy · 23/02/2015 14:30

Aren't coach handbags really expensive things? In which case I can understand your Mum being a bit disappointed with your reaction.

Waltonswatcher · 23/02/2015 14:33

YABU
And you sound spoilt .
Sorry , you did ask!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 23/02/2015 14:34

Am I missing something? It sounds as though you go exactly what you wanted, a nice meal with close family. You also got a party with friends with the night before, and an afternoon tea the following day.

What exactly are you 'hurt and disappointed' about? You start off by saying you 'HATE' your own Birthday and that it's always rubbish. You then go through a list of things that everyone did (none of which sound particularly unreasonable) which made your special day so untenable.

To be honest, I think you sound somewhat ungrateful, many people would be thrilled to have such a nice event with close family, and so yes, YABU. So it wasn't absolutely perfect. I honestly think as adults, we should be able to handle that in a Birthday party by now.

Sparkletastic · 23/02/2015 14:36

I would LOVE a Coach handbag. But then if you aren't a bag person and it wasn't something you asked for then it was a bit of a risk. Think you should have faked enthusiasm though as it was a generous gift, then quietly asked to swap it a few days later. Sounds like your mum was pissed off with you. My SIL behaved similarly on her recent birthday when given something not quite to her taste by ILs. They got their revenge as sulked and bitched about every element of the meal out. Fault on both sides IMO.

wigglesrock · 23/02/2015 14:40

So you had 3 separate parties albeit small ones for your birthday - you weren't fussed on the very expensive bag your mum bought for you, but you didn't tell her when she asked and you looked for another present inside the expensive bag - I'm afraid my sympathy is leaning towards your mum.

Sparkletastic · 23/02/2015 14:41

Oh yes the looking for another present bit made me cringe on OP's behalf

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 23/02/2015 14:42

Coach bags are quite expensive. But not to everyone's taste. A risky present.
I would ask her if she still has the receipt and try get your money back or at least exchange for a style more to your taste.
You can tell her she caught you off guard.

And I'd get the others to be more involved in any future parties.

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2015 14:42

A party the night before, dinner for 17 people and afternoon tea the day after?

Blimey, for someone who doesn't like a fuss, you don't do too badly Grin

I think YABU really about the present because your Mum was obviously upset about your reaction.

Bair · 23/02/2015 14:44

You 'don't do' birthdays but then get miffed when a huge fuss isn't made?

YABU.

ChipDip · 23/02/2015 15:10

Yabu, seem to have a bit of miserable attitude towards birthdays so I think your family did pretty well knowing how you are. Also you were ungrateful over the gift, expecting your 'real' present to next? Hmm

ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 15:14

It may not be your personal style, but a coach handbag is a very good present and your mum was probably excited to give it to you. It wouldn't have hurt you to he either gracious or honest.

ahbollocks · 23/02/2015 15:27

Um...yes. oh OP its nearly funny!

fredfredgeorgejnr · 23/02/2015 15:29

Surely a coach handbag is only a good present if you know what it is? Otherwise it's just a handbag, similar to any number of which you can buy for a couple of quid on a market stall?

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 15:31

God. I think you sound awful tbh. I'd be thrilled with any handbag from my Mum.

Does she usually get you very expensive gifts? is that why you looked for your "real present"?

curlyweasel · 23/02/2015 15:34

Yabu I'm afraid. I think you need to apologise to your mum.

DollyMcDolly · 23/02/2015 15:35

YABU and you sound really spoilt. Especially when you were expecting another gift.

flimmyflam · 23/02/2015 15:35

Err agree with others... you had a party with your friends, a meal with your family and an afternoon tea with your husband. YOU HAD THREE PARTIES! why not concentrate on the fact that you have so many people around you who care about you rather than worrying that you didn't get the right present or that people left after the meal rather than partying on down all night or whatever you had in mind?

curlyweasel · 23/02/2015 15:36

At around £200 quid a pop... that is the expensive gift isn't it?

ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 15:38

Surely a coach handbag is only a good present if you know what it is

Not from the point of view of the giver, in this case. The OPs mum went to considerable expense to get this present, I'd say she was quite dismayed that it was treated like something off a market stall when the OP went looking for her real present. And I'd love a market stall would sell items of the obvious quality of a coach bag and do all the fancy wrapping they do.

flimmyflam · 23/02/2015 15:39

But it does sound like you offended your mum and it is a shame to fall out on a birthday so yanbu to regret that. why don't you make up with her? I'm sure it will blow over.

Piratesloveunderpants · 23/02/2015 15:42

It sounds like a lovely birthday and you sound ungrateful. I don't think it's fair to moan about doing parties for others. If you don't want to do it, then don't. You said you didn't want a party but a meal. And that's what you got.