Was I BU

[Flissypix]

I recently celebrated a big birthday. I HATE my birthday its always rubbish and I didn't want to do much but I agreed to celebrate but didn't want a party.
So on the day we had booked a meal for close family (17 of us.)
In the morning my mum bought me a present a coach handbag, its nice but not my style and I had never heard of the brand. Anyway I thanked her and told her it was lovely, but I didn't scream and whoop with joy. She asked me if I liked it I said yes, she asked me if I wanted to take it back I said no of course not. (I DO) She seemed disappointed that I wasn't over the moon. I don't think it helped that I thought she had put my 'real' present in the bag (she always hides presents) as I like I said I wasn't aware it was a special bag,so I opened it expecting something else!

Anyway we went out for dinner, my mum barely spoke to,as soon as we arrived at the bar she insisted we all moved into the dining area as she was tired and wanted to eat. She then rushed us through ordering, the meal and then announced she didn't want dessert and it was silly to have any as we had cake. The moment the main was finished she brought out the cake, sang happy birthday, got the bill and left taking with her the majority of the family. My two sisters left before the cake arrived to go to their friends party in another town(which I knew about but they said they were going much later as it was going on till 2am) I was left there with my DH and 2 DDs.We were supposed to all be going out for drink afterwards. So I went home at 9pm.

I should point out that out of 17 people at the table I have organised 10 of their big birthdays including big parties,surprise parties,themed/costume parties I have usually done all the food and paid for the majority as well. Including my mums last year and my sisters 2 weeks ago! Where I actually organised 2 seperate celebrations both which took a lot of time and effort. I didn't want a party I just wanted a nice meal followed by drinks nothing major just that.

So was I being unreasonable to not be delighted? and AIBU for feeling really hurt and disappointed that none of my very close family made an effort.
(Btw my DH bought me lovely presents and organised a small party with friends the night before and afternoon tea the day after)

A coach handbag would set you back between three and five hundred quid! Thats a lovely gift and is much more than my Mum spent on my big birthday this year!

For my big Birthday my two friends bought me a bracelet, it isn't the kind of thing that I would choose myself and I didn't know the brand but I was delighted with it because they were, I researched after to see what it was all about and will cherish it rather than return it.

You looked inside for the real present?! Genuinely a bit shocked by that.

I get your point

Your mother was very clearly in the huff with you and made 14 members of your family Rush through your meal and the leave at 9pm

I'd be majorly fucked off at her - it sounds like passive aggressive bullshit to me - like she wanted to control the evening, what people ate and when they ordered - all because she was fucked off with you

You had 3 parties? Not bad for someone who doesn't 'do' birthdays. If I were you I'd be really embarrassed about looking in the bag for another present, that's really rude.

And 3 parties sounds a lot for someone who doesn't 'do' birthdays! It was my 30th recently. I love birthdays. I had a small gathering with my friends and DH took me and DD away for a night, it was fab.

YABU and sound like quite hard work , in regards to how much effort you put in to other people's birthdays don't do it if you only do it because you think they will reciprocate . I feel sorry for your mum .

You sound difficult to please quite frankly.
I'm not going to bother to go into the ins and outs because I suspect you won't reflect on anything anyone's said anyway and you probably only posted for positive strokes.

ApocalypseThen But the giver cocked up if they didn't make sure that the recipient understood the value of the gift... I just looked for a "coach handbag unboxing" on youtube, and while the wrapping looks a bit fancy, it's still not that impressive.

I don't think the mother has a right to be annoyed at how it was received, it appears a lousy inappopriate gift, but that doesn't change that the OP is being a brat about it all...

But the giver cocked up if they didn't make sure that the recipient understood the value of the gift

It would be a bit off to give someone a present and then tell them how expensive it was.

MonstrousRatbag true, but equally you can't be annoyed if the person treats your gift with the value they perceive it to be, and designer goods have the value of their non-designer counterparts unless you know it. So handbags are a worth a fiver from the market etc...

Ive never gone out of my way to let a recipient know the value of a gift I am giving, do people do this? 'Here's a present, it cost me £x'?

I imagine the quality of a coach handbag sets it apart from a £5 market handbag. It will be real leather for a start.

I never get the "it's not my style" thing. That's not the point. Your dm bought you a gift she hoped you'd like and spent time thinking and choosing yet you sound like you'd rather she gave no thought and gave you a cheque.
My lovely grandmother gave me a ruby ring on the birth of my first dc. It's yellow gold (my usual jewellery is white gold or platinum) and the ruby is obviously red (a colour I don't really wear). But it makes me think of her and is one of the most precious things I own as she bought it especially for me. you sound needy. I hate parties so my next birthday I've said I'd like to go to new York with dh.

See, we get round all this 'present disappointment' by having a wish list in our family. I'd hate to think of someone spending a load of money on something I didn't want/like/need.

Not sure about the meal, tbh. You've said you didn't want a party, "just" a meal with immediate family - perhaps this has been interpreted as just that... a quiet meal. Job done. You also blame your Mum for 'rushing everyone through' the ordering and eating of the meal - but surely if there were 17 people there, you all had some input into how that all went.... a few comments like "Hang on Mum, there's no rush" would have soon over-ruled her.
To be fair, you've also said you didn't want to have a party, then, at the end, you've said you had a party the night before - any chance they felt a bit miffed that you "pretended" not to want a party, then had one....conclusion then being drawn that you wanted a party without them there ??? Whether that was the intention or not, you can see how it could be interpreted???

The fact you choose to organise parties for others isn't related to this though. Do that if you like doing it, don't do that if you don't, but don't complain they didn't do it for you, when you've said you didn't want one.

(Am I the only one who doesn't know what a coach bag is? )

I've had a lot worse birthdays than this , if that helps at all...

The fact its a Coach bag seems to be clouding the issue. The OP was given a bag that wasn't to her taste for her birthday by her mum who has form for hiding the actually present in something else, therefore she opened it to check. Put on the spot I'd have probably refused to exchange it as well.

The fact its Coach is irrelevant, 'designer' doesn't automatically make it nice or mean the recipient will love it. IMO this is hideous and knowing it costs £640 doesn't change that in fact I think it makes more so

Your mum was obviously upset with you and had probably thought you'd love it and parade the bag around so decided to stay as short a time as possible with is VU.
Scale bag on organising everyone else's celebrations and focus on just your DH and DDs.

I can sympathise OP. you feel like you go to so much effort for others (attending extravagant birthday events, helping to organise and doing so at your expense) and when it comes to yours it just isn't reciprocated. Yes your family made the effort to come, but they left early and I'm guessing if the shoe was on the other foot you would have stayed as long as the birthday girl/boy wanted to even if you were having a shit time because you would want to ensure they had a nice birthday. I often feel like this.

I have a friend whose birthday I go out for EVERY YEAR. I don't usually do birthdays either but one 30th I thought I should mark it in some way without putting to much on others. I was pg so just organised a few games of bowling locally. Said friend didn't come because 'she doesn't like bowling' FFS. I didn't go out to her 'cocktail masterclass and meal' this year.

I get where you are coming from totally!

I don't think yabu at all. It was your bday and even though your reaction did not meet your mum's expectations she should have made an effort because it was your day!
If I was the type of woman that only wears Jimmy Choo and prada I would not be over the moon if I received a Coach handbag.
also I wouldn't tell my mum that I would like to return it so to not hurt her feelings. But acting is not my strongest point. Definitely would do my best to look happy about it though.
Other posters have said that you got what you wanted. I don't really see it that way: you were supposed to have a fun evening out with close family and have drinks after dinner but they rushed everything because they had plans or too big egos.
Not ok, as a pp has said, tone it down in the future and focus on people that deserve your efforts and good intentions.

Clearly your DM doesn't know you that well if she splashed out on an expensive handbag that you had no idea of it's quality/value. I would have been seriously pissed off at you looking inside for a 'real' present-how awful.

Wow Yikes!
I feel I need to clarifiy the looking inside part, my mum always does fake presents and puts them inside lesser present. For example she bought my sister tickets to a concert but put them in a new look shoe box. I opened the bag and had no idea it was an expensive bag so opened it thinking there was something inside. I didnt say that I just opened it and then pretended to look at the pockets. I then went ooh what a nice handbag etc etc. She then told me it was coach and very expensive. So I thanked her told it was lovely I tried my hardest to act like I liked it. Maybe I was a brat it certainly wasn't my intention.

I didn't want to celebrate at all I wanted to stay home with my DH and DDs I went with the full intention of having a nice night with my family as it was at a lovely hotel. What I got was a rushed meal where everyone left at the earliest possible moment. It made me feel dreadful.
I do stuff for my family as if I don't it doesn't happen my sisters 18th 3 weeks before my mum had done nothing at and my sister called in tears so I organised a big family party at my house.
I felt really disappointed I didn't want anything more than a meal and drinks I just didn't want everyone to leave as soon as they had eaten and to be rushed through the meal. The meal was booked for 7pm so for 17 people to get eat 2 courses/drinks/birthday cake and still be home by 9pm.
The party before was just my friends and was lovely as was the afternoon. My mum insisted that I celebrated with the family as well as they all wanted to see me/celebrate.

I'd never heard of coach handbags before this thread. A quick google search and OMFG they're expensive!! I'm not a handbag person more rucksack but they looked fairly lovely.

TBH You sound spoiled and hard to please. You said you didn't want a party but had a party the day before your family gathering, you said you don't like fuss but still managed 3 separate events surrounding the birthday that you so hate.

I think you should COMMUNICATE with your mum and ask, calmly, what the problem was. Explain that, although you liked the bag you didn't love it but, having done some research, you realise how much thought had gone into the present and you're sorry for your apparent lack of gratitude.

The fact that you choose to sort out other family member's parties is neither here nor there, they're happy to ADMIT they'd like a party (rather than act coy saying 'no, no, I reeeeaaallly don't want any fuss' whilst hoping they can read your mind and be able to tell that you would secretly love to be the center of attention). I don't get the relevance, they did as they were instructed.

Mimi that is hideous, OP if that was the bag then YANBU

See the thing I'm gleaning is that the OP was punished at her evening thing that her family attended. Rushing through then buggering off leaving just the OPs family sitting at the table is a big childish FU then really because she didn't do a jig over her present.

But you did just get a meal and drinks ( and a party the day before, and afternoon tea the day after)

Crikey - you lot are harsh! OP I can understand your disappointment. It seems you didn't gush over the expensive handbag from your mum so she then scuppered your birthday meal. Doesn't say much for her - she's made it all about her by doing that.

The pp who advised you to gush over it. Really? Lie through your teeth in the most disingenuous way to your own mother. Now that is crap behaviour.

If you want to say to someone that if they don't like a gift you can change it for them, you don't say that the minute they've unwrapped it - you wait till later and discreetly check whether they do like it, etc.