Was I BU

[Flissypix]

I recently celebrated a big birthday. I HATE my birthday its always rubbish and I didn't want to do much but I agreed to celebrate but didn't want a party.
So on the day we had booked a meal for close family (17 of us.)
In the morning my mum bought me a present a coach handbag, its nice but not my style and I had never heard of the brand. Anyway I thanked her and told her it was lovely, but I didn't scream and whoop with joy. She asked me if I liked it I said yes, she asked me if I wanted to take it back I said no of course not. (I DO) She seemed disappointed that I wasn't over the moon. I don't think it helped that I thought she had put my 'real' present in the bag (she always hides presents) as I like I said I wasn't aware it was a special bag,so I opened it expecting something else!

Anyway we went out for dinner, my mum barely spoke to,as soon as we arrived at the bar she insisted we all moved into the dining area as she was tired and wanted to eat. She then rushed us through ordering, the meal and then announced she didn't want dessert and it was silly to have any as we had cake. The moment the main was finished she brought out the cake, sang happy birthday, got the bill and left taking with her the majority of the family. My two sisters left before the cake arrived to go to their friends party in another town(which I knew about but they said they were going much later as it was going on till 2am) I was left there with my DH and 2 DDs.We were supposed to all be going out for drink afterwards. So I went home at 9pm.

I should point out that out of 17 people at the table I have organised 10 of their big birthdays including big parties,surprise parties,themed/costume parties I have usually done all the food and paid for the majority as well. Including my mums last year and my sisters 2 weeks ago! Where I actually organised 2 seperate celebrations both which took a lot of time and effort. I didn't want a party I just wanted a nice meal followed by drinks nothing major just that.

So was I being unreasonable to not be delighted? and AIBU for feeling really hurt and disappointed that none of my very close family made an effort.
(Btw my DH bought me lovely presents and organised a small party with friends the night before and afternoon tea the day after)

I don't 'do' my birthday either, but I stick to it! I recently had a very landmark birthday and told my family that I simply wanted to ignore it and other than phone calls to wish me a happy day, they did what I asked. If you don't want to do a birthday, don't do it. DH will celebrate that same landmark birthday later this year, so the two of us are taking a wonderful trip together to quietly mark both birthdays & our anniversary. No big plans to celebrate during the trip, either. We just used the money we'd normally use on gifts to pay for part of the trip.

As far as gifts, I was raised to show appreciation for a pair of dirty socks if that's what I was given. We called it manners.

And planning birthdays for others is irrelevant. You do things for others because you want to do them, not so you can compare what they do for you (and find them wanting) or to get the same thing back.

OP I think you need to take a look around you and count your blessings. You have a mother who buys you gifts (mine has dementia and can't do that anymore) and 17 family members who care enough about you to come to dinner (most of mine are scattered to the four winds & we only see each other rarely).

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time. Your mother rushed everyone to the table, through the meal, pushed for no dessert and then left taking most of your guests with her. That is not a pleasant family meal which is what you wanted.

And doing things to give pleasure to those you love is bad because...??

Honestly i'd rather wear a naff bracelet for the rest of life than crush my mother when she's doing something kind for me.

Because I didn't like 'the stuff'.

The gift is just stuff.

The thoughtfulness of the giver and the thoughfulness of the receiver are what's important.

The giver may not always get the 'right stuff' but if they tried and genuinely love you and hoped you'd like it... well then I'll wear the naff bracelet.

You have to pretend you like it. The vast majority of people would be really offended if you admitted you didn't like a gift. Look at what the OP's mother did when her crime was just not being quite enthusiastic enough about her gift!

"It's great that you now love the sentiment behind your bracelet but you are wearing it to please your mother."

What's wrong with that. I love and adore my mum. I'd wear a braclet to make her happy.

Op, I get where you're coming from. I hate my birthday - it seems cursed tbh. Any attempt at a celebration seems to go tits up so it's tempting to think a lovely relaxed meal and drinks can't possibly go wrong. Clearly it did and you feel worse than if you'd just stayed at home and celebrated your evening in the house. It's the expectation isn't it? You keep your standards low so to have that ruined by someone else's strop is actually really hurtful.

If your not into handbags/designer gear I think your mum was a bit daft to expect an explosion of gratefulness. Knowing what it is, is half the appeal of this stuff isn't it?

I wouldn't know a coach handbag from market stall one - it's just another way of carrying around shite to me it sounds like you made the right noise but obviously your mum could tell.

Concentrate on the lovely time you had with your friends and don't put in the effort for others again unless you really want to do it.

YANBU,your Mum was though.

Don't organize parties ect for the rest of your family any more.

Like you I wouldn't have had a clue how much a coach bag was,by the way which one did you get?
You made all the right sounds from what you said when you opened the bag.

Buying someone a gift is lovely,but if you buy something expensive for someone you shouldn't automatically expect them to a,know how much you spent.b, fall over themselves thanking you even if they do know how much you spent.c,use the fact that they don't do a or b to hurry up the celebrations.

Your DH sounds lovely by the way.I'm glad he sorted out some lovely experiences for your birthday.

You don't have to pretend anything to anyone!! I'd just tell her the truth and exchange it

I've never heard of coach handbags so thought it was a typo in the OP. Having now googled I'm amazed that people would pay that for a bag. I would be honest with your mum and just say thanks but not really your thing and could you take it back please, and then get something you actually like.

Thank you for the replies, I do think some of them where a little harsh. In my family and friends big birthday are celebrated really BIG. I didn't want a huge fuss like that. I loved my 'party' the night before which was about 20 friends at a local bar no food, just drinks and I had a lovely night. I also loved afternoon tea which was my present from my dds. As someone pointed out there is a differece between a fuss and people giving a shit and thats exactly it.
My mum insisted that I celebrate with the family. She rushed us through by literally standing up and annoucing we were leaving the bar area for the table the moment the last guests arrived people were still actually ordering drinks. Then when we sat down she kept telling people to sit down as she was starving and wanted to order I hadn't actually sat at the the table before she had ordered her meal and although I asked for a few more minutes I felt pressured as everyone had ordered. She left and took my brothers and sisters and step dad and grandparents with her as they had travelled together of them my older 2 sisters had left already.
I 100% had no idea it was an expensive bag it came in a dustbag but so did a pair of shoes I bought in Debenhams.
I am not into brands don't own any (I can think of) my DM is obsessed with them though. I am also not into handbag, and the ones I have are a bit 'quirky' including the £20 one she bought me last year which I adore and use all the time. As for having a wish list the things I had asked for were a facial and a new mascara. I was honestly not being a brat about the bag it was perfectly nice I didn't want or expect anything amazing but as she handed it to me she said, this is your really special gift, hence I was confused when I opened it.

m0therofdragons

Because as a present giver I want to make the recipient happy not myself. I'd be mortified if they felt they they had to use wear something to make me happy. I'd also be mortified that i wasted so much money and got it so wrong time and time again weather it be a pandora bracelet and subsequent charms or expensive candles and the receipt can't stand candles.
I'd much rather someone be honest and to find out what a true special gift to them would be and get that instead. As my aim is to make them happy not me!

I always try to remember that I'm not buying for myself and getting carried away buying something I'd regard as a real treat is usually a bad idea. Every year I look at cashmere dressing gowns and almost talk myself into buying one for my mother. Then I pull myself together and buy her the one from M&S she'll actually like more which leaves plenty of cash for matching slippers, chocolates and a book token!

A meal followed by drinks IS a party, but since you didnt want one, people did the meal and moved on, keeping things minimal as they thought you wanted. If you wanted a party consisting of a meal and ligering over drinks, you should say so. If you say you dont want a party, and you dont get a party, (except the one with friends the day before and the tea the day after) you really cant complain.

As for the purse thing, you neither faked excitement, nor were honest about your confusion and disappointment. You sent mixed and possibly grumpy messages. Fix it by calling your mom and being honest, or performing a delayed excitement show.

Drinks come before a meal! It's part of going for a meal!

She said this is your really special gift... so, cue you arranging your face into wonder and happiness at whatever it contains.

No you don't have to pretend, but if you don't you'll probably hurt peoples feelings.

But on the plus side you'll get stuff you want when you exchange it..

Depends what's important to you.

You seem to take offence very easily yourself OP e.g. people ordered too quickly and left too soon- rather than 17 people came for a meal and bought gifts they thought were special.

yet you seem to not be able to imagine, or appreciate, the crushed feelings of your mother.

Honestly you both sound like hard work, and like you expect a lot from others.

Recognise that, recognise she was trying with the bag, get over the time they left and make it up with your mum.

Be the bigger person.

I was honest I said I didn't want a party I wanted and we had planned dinner followed by drinks in the bar.

Barth, the issue is you knew what a pandora bracelet was! If it had been one of those another thing I wouldn't have be in love with I could have probably faked it a bit more. I literally had no idea what I was looking at beyond a handbag!

Acrossthepond that is EXACTLY IT! My birthday is cursed something bad always happens either just before or on the day. This year it was my DH wrote of my car a few days before. You have summed up my feelings entirely.

I don't do other peoples parties to get anything in return I do it because it has sort have become expected that I do and when I don't they don't happen as my DM never sorts anything out and I feel responsible as the 'big sister' to fix everything.

Bart - Yes thats my point I looked confused as when I opened it I couldn't figure out the amazing special part and then when it clicked it was the bag I said I like it it was nice etc! I personally find it rude to order a meal before the rest of the party have sat down or looked at the menu. I also think its rude and hurtful to leave after a meal when you had planned to do something afterwards without saying anything.
Am I really expecting too much that my family didn't stay to do the planned drinks on my birthday?

YANBU to feel pissed off that your mother rushed everyone through the meal - sounds like she had a sulk on because you didn't piss your pants with excitement about her gift.

I have NO idea what a Coach handbag is so wouldn't know how cheap or expensive it is. I'd be a bit meh at getting a handbag for my birthday, they're not something that I really care about.

I've had a few rubbish presents over the years but would never offend the giver by saying "yes I'd like to take it back, where's the receipt?". That's just rude and I've been brought up to accept a gift with grace irrespective of whether or not I like it. Accepting something with grace is different to pretending to turn cartwheels about it though.

I bet if you'd told your mum you wanted to return it she'd have galloped through the meal twice as fast with a face like a slapped arse.

More fool your mum for spending that kind of money on a bag that she didn't know you'd like or would appreciate the designer value of, IMO.

As far as gifts, I was raised to show appreciation for a pair of dirty socks if that's what I was given. We called it manners.

Yep!

Why would you need to know what something is to fake being happy? The whole point of faking it is that you don't need to know! Your mom picked up a a large number of your family members, drove them to your dinner (paid the bill?) and bought you a really nice gift. Your response was that you couldn't even be bothered to give a sincere thanks because "you don't know what coach is". Sharper than a serpent's tooth...

Fucking hell, just looked them up - HOW MUCH for a poxy handbag?! Most of them are revolting too

I wonder if your mum, after your Meh response to your special gift, and knowing your two sisters were already leaving early, decided that you REALLY, REALLY didnt want a party. Not even the family dinner kind. It being too late to cancel, she decided the whole miserable thing must be got over with as soon as possible and warned everyone not to let it turn inro a big deal, as evidently this milestone birthday really was bothering you and you would just be unhappy.

Yes I guess I did have the advantage if knowing what a pandora was.

But I had the disadvantage of knowing I didn't want one .

Although I have actually come to rather like it .

Goldvelevt, even present givers who buy gifts to please the receiver will sometimes get it wrong, and to be told it's 'wrong' when you've tried so hard is crushing. (I've seen my SIL do it to my mother).

On that basis I would have told my MIL every year it was 'wrong', even though I could see she had tried so hard. Although with your logic she's have been trained after a few miserable years so I would have then got the stuff I wanted.

She's died now and I'm so glad I didn't do that.

Best one though was FIL after MIL died once bought me a plastic labrador puppy ornament for the garden because he said he 'knew I liked dogs'. The sweetness of that sentiment and his naivete were just so lovely. That plastic puppy was displayed proudly in my garden for years, much to the merriment of our friends.

I really think people miss the important stuff a lot.

It really is just a misunderstanding.

A Coach bag meant nothing to you so you thought there was a hidden present. You weren't being a brat, you were confused.

To your mother you looked completely non plussed and ungrateful.

I think what would have saved the day would if you had gone up to her quietly 10 minutes later and said 'I'm sorry mum, you know what I'm like I don't know all the posh brands, I hadn't heard of Coach! '. The next day ring and say you love it but would be afraid to use it so you'll exchange - can you go shopping together?

Yes it's pandering to her and no she shouldn't have had a big old flounce (and she should know you don't covet designer stuff!) but I think she was dying to give you that present and couldn't get over the embarrassment and hurt of your reaction.

I can absolutely understand why you would be peeved.

Does your mother normally behave like this or do you think she deemed your response from the bag as being negative or less delighted as she hoped?