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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I BU

111 replies

Flissypix · 23/02/2015 14:14

I recently celebrated a big birthday. I HATE my birthday its always rubbish and I didn't want to do much but I agreed to celebrate but didn't want a party.
So on the day we had booked a meal for close family (17 of us.)
In the morning my mum bought me a present a coach handbag, its nice but not my style and I had never heard of the brand. Anyway I thanked her and told her it was lovely, but I didn't scream and whoop with joy. She asked me if I liked it I said yes, she asked me if I wanted to take it back I said no of course not. (I DO) She seemed disappointed that I wasn't over the moon. I don't think it helped that I thought she had put my 'real' present in the bag (she always hides presents) as I like I said I wasn't aware it was a special bag,so I opened it expecting something else!

Anyway we went out for dinner, my mum barely spoke to,as soon as we arrived at the bar she insisted we all moved into the dining area as she was tired and wanted to eat. She then rushed us through ordering, the meal and then announced she didn't want dessert and it was silly to have any as we had cake. The moment the main was finished she brought out the cake, sang happy birthday, got the bill and left taking with her the majority of the family. My two sisters left before the cake arrived to go to their friends party in another town(which I knew about but they said they were going much later as it was going on till 2am) I was left there with my DH and 2 DDs.We were supposed to all be going out for drink afterwards. So I went home at 9pm.

I should point out that out of 17 people at the table I have organised 10 of their big birthdays including big parties,surprise parties,themed/costume parties I have usually done all the food and paid for the majority as well. Including my mums last year and my sisters 2 weeks ago! Where I actually organised 2 seperate celebrations both which took a lot of time and effort. I didn't want a party I just wanted a nice meal followed by drinks nothing major just that.

So was I being unreasonable to not be delighted? and AIBU for feeling really hurt and disappointed that none of my very close family made an effort.
(Btw my DH bought me lovely presents and organised a small party with friends the night before and afternoon tea the day after)

OP posts:

QTPie · 23/02/2015 16:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

skinnylegs33 · 23/02/2015 16:41

Clearly people have a problem with you having too many parties lol
How dare you celebrate 3 days in a row!

McButtonwillow · 23/02/2015 16:42

YANBU, I'd be hurt too. It doesn't sound like you were at all ungrateful when you opened your present although your DM appears to have been disappointed with your reaction. I'd be honest and ask her why she felt the need to rush everyone through your meal and I definitely wouldn't make an effort to organise other peoples birthdays in the future!

BauerTime · 23/02/2015 16:43

Agree gamerchick it's as if OP's birthday was about them and not HER. I don't think it's selfish to expect a bit of consideration on your birthday.

I'd have no idea what a Coach bag looks like or what it cost and if DM has form for hiding presents inside things then I think OP could be forgiven for getting the wrong end of the stick, no matter how much consideration and money had gone into it, especially as she tried to pretend she wasn't looking inside for something else once she realised.

That her friends and DP had organised other things for her is neither here nor there. There was clear pressure for her to do something with the faaaaaamily and wen she dos, they didn't fully engage in it. Double kick in the teeth IMO.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 23/02/2015 16:45

skinny I think it's more the fact that she said she hates her birthday and didn't want to celebrate, then celebrated 3 days in a row, then complained that one of the celebrations wasn't up to scratch! People can celebrate as much as they want IMO, I have a 'birthday week'

BauerTime · 23/02/2015 16:45

*when she does

BauerTime · 23/02/2015 16:47

Plus there is a difference between not wanting a fuss and wanting people to give a shit.

You can do something nice for someone's birthday such as attending an event and not rushing off at the first opportunity without it being too full on.

OnlyLovers · 23/02/2015 16:49

I think YANBU. Your mum should have accepted your thanks for the bag and then quietly left it; there is an art to presenting presents graciously, IMO, as well as to receiving them graciously.

And to rush you all, boss everyone about re the cake/dessert and then basically strop off is not particularly grown-up behaviour. An adult should be able to leave aside their feelings about a present not being gushed over and move on and enjoy the rest of the evening.

rinabean · 23/02/2015 16:51

So your mom tried to buy you, it didn't work because you're not money-obsessed like her, so she threw a strop and ruined the meal she'd insisted on arranging for you? No YANBU. I was going to say "but why don't you know that" but there are a lot of people similar to your mom in the comments today...

goldvelvet · 23/02/2015 17:02

If someone gave me coach handbag I would have no clue it was a "wow" gift worth fawning over. So I think if her mum wanted ti feel validated by getting a reaction from her daughter at the expense of the gift she should have gone a little more main stream like LV shoes, or Jimmy Choo's or a brand that is instantly flashy when you see it.

It sounds like your mum wanted to be fawned over for her generosity but backfired when she didn't taylor the gift to something that you like or a high end brand that you are aware of. It's not your fault that she didn't get a great gift for you but maybe a great gift if she was treating herself.

Bad form on rushing the meal as a result of the gift gaff. I'd be put out too.

The looking for the "real" gift made me it's so cringe, it's actually quite funny.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 23/02/2015 17:03

Never heard of Coach handbags, wouldn't have a clue - I'm not driven by brands and I'm guessing the OP isn't either. How are you meant to show the appreciation desired if you don't know what you're looking at. If it wasn't my taste is have planted in a smile and said thanks so, I wouldn't be doing bloody cartwheels. You're mum sounds like mine, we now rarely speak. Not everyone has the Hollywood mother/daughter relationship

flimmyflam · 23/02/2015 17:03

It does sound like the mum was annoyed and may not have handled it perfectly, but I don't really get how she can have ruined the meal - there were 15 people there as well as the OP and her mum. Her mum can't have forced them all to leave. I don't think that two hours for a meal is massively rushed tbh, especially if there were kids there (or people had kids to go home to). And I think that not getting dessert because you'll be having cake is fine. I reckon people just thought they'd come out for a birthday meal and that they'd go home after the meal was over. The sisters gave warning they'd be leaving early. It doesn't sound like the OP actually suggested going on anywhere afterwards - if you want there to be a second venue you have to suggest it in the first place. Honestly I think this is a circumstances where the OP should just be grateful for what she has (17 family members, a lovely DP and friends who all wanted to celebrate her birthday) rather than picking over bits didn't go exactly as she would have wanted.

NeedABumChange · 23/02/2015 17:21

Coach is one of those awful try hard to be designer american brands but it really isn't. They are so overpriced for the quality and hideous branding all over their products like Michael Kors or dkny. I'd be really disappointed and return it. But id be gracious in front of everyone.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 23/02/2015 17:26

Flinny trust me, my mums an experts at it, she's done it several times - unless it's her birthday of course

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 23/02/2015 17:27

Sorry flimmy - having trouble writing your name on my iPhone!

SilenceInTheLibrary · 23/02/2015 17:30

If your mum was peeved about your non-gushing reaction to her present, and then rushed everyone through your birthday meal and out the door by 9pm - especially if drinks afterwards were planned - then SWBVU - and a bit nasty.

Yanbu to be upset.

I think everyone's a bit too hung up on the Coach handbag

BartholomewCrouch · 23/02/2015 17:40

I really think it would be diffiuclt when unwrapping a Coach handbag to notrealise it's probably expensive. It's one of those brands that do all the fancy packaging to make you feel it justifies the costs and make it 'special'.

OP it sounds to me like your mum had really pushed the boat out to get you something special for your 'big' birthday and was very excited about giving this to you, and was stung and dispaointed by your lack of appreciation shown.

If I publically unwrapped a present and realised the giver was crushed by my initial reaction I would have then gone on to make a big deal of it throuhgout the meal to make it up and show appreciation for their thoughtfulness e.g. pass it around to everyone saying 'have you seen what mum got me isn't it beautiful?' saying what lovely leather it is, saying how I can't wait to take it out at the weekend, how great it will look with my pink coat, how my mate Sue will love this as she loves handbags etc etc etc, really it's not that hard.

Your mum recacted petulantly to her hurt feelings, and you seem to be doing the same when they left early. Apple fall far from the tree?

If generally your mum is nice though, I'd recognise she was trying to plan something special with the gift and she was crushed when it fell flat, and offer an olive branch.

Go round and show her how fabulous the bag looks with your pink coat maybe??

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 23/02/2015 17:50

To be honest OP, if you were sending out vibes anything like the ones you're indicating here, I'm not at all surprised that no-one fancied those fun drinks afterwards.

Sorry, but it seems a bit childish and entitled to stamp your feet over what sounds like a lot of people making an effort for you.

grumpasaur · 23/02/2015 17:54

I would like to volunteer to take the handbag off your hands :-)

goldvelvet · 23/02/2015 17:55

Why would she then gush about a bag that she doesn't actually like that much and she probably won't use and would most likely like to exchange? This is how people end up with years of duff gifts because they manage to convince someone that they like their naff taste. It just because a vicious cycle of crap gifts and fake gratitude.

Her mum made a poor gift choice. It happens it's not her fault and doesn't need to validate her mums spending by lying about how much she loves it.

goldvelvet · 23/02/2015 17:55

*becomes

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 23/02/2015 17:58

If she gave all the false gratitude etc then you would all be calling her fake!

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/02/2015 18:03

Er for someone who claims they don't do birthday you did well tbh and now sound they can't do anything right with you.

You did not want a fuss but they came to your meal and did a birthday cake and all that.

The handbag is also a expensive gift so I am cringing on your behalf that you then looked inside it expecting another present.

BartholomewCrouch · 23/02/2015 18:21

I certainly wouldn't be calling her fake as it is what I would do.

If my mother had evidently put lots of thought, planning and money into a special gift I would love it even if I didn't like the 'thing' as I'd be so touched by the effort, and I'd want to reciprocate that effort.

In fact similar did happen to me on my 40th birthday:

Meal with my parents and my mother gave me a gift of a Pandora bracelet. Something I had never wanted, and had recently been discussing with a fried how ubiquitous and naff they were.

My mother though, had evidently spent much more than usual as it was my 40th, she was obviously excitedly anticipating my reaction. She thought I probably would love this and everyone else seemed to.

And I loved her for the effort.

I therefore said I loved it, how pretty it was. I've worn it nearly day since then and she has bought me another charm each birthday or christmas and it's now full ( 5years later).

I wouldn't have chosen it, I didn't want one, I didn't like them. But I do love mine now because it's daily evidence of my mum loving me and looking for a way to show it.

Fake?? pfft.

goldvelvet · 23/02/2015 18:26

Barth but you've had to wear a naff pandora bracelet for 5 years

Because you couldn't be honest with your mum that they aren't really your taste. So she continued to buy more pandora naffness. This is exactly my point. It's great that you now love the sentiment behind your bracelet but you are wearing it to please your mother.

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