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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect dh to understand why I get up later

112 replies

lostinegypt · 23/02/2015 02:35

I'm so fed up with dh right now. We have a 5 week old baby who I am breastfeeding and a 4 year old who wakes at least once a night. I see to ds the majority of the time but if he wakes up whilst I am feeding the baby I have to wake dh up to put him back to bed. dh is always grumpy about this. We have just had a row about this and i told dh 'ffs u have had to get up once im up loads' to which he replied 'yes and u make sure u wake everyone else up' this is bs as dh is happily snoring away when the baby or ds wake up! he denied this then said but you sleep all day so u can take ds to nursery tomorrow. I dont sleep all day!! i get out of bed at approx 10am and dont sleep again for the rest of the day. I am usually awake around 6/7am feeding the baby and sometimes get up to put the washing on and load/ unload the dishwasher but then go back to bed. aibu to think dh should get up with ds in the morning so I can have a lie in?

OP posts:

Original poster

lostinegypt · 23/02/2015 02:37

forgot to say dh doesnt work and i am on maternity leave.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/02/2015 02:45

Was all that when he woke up and was grumpy or was after a proper talk when you were both fully alert?

If when he woke up, then I'd say have a proper talk with him, show how many times you wake up during the night and how much you need that sleep.

If he still maintains that you should be awake from 7 and take the eldest to school when he doesn't work, then you have a problem.

BlinkAndMiss · 23/02/2015 03:03

So 'D'H doesn't work, doesn't get up in the night with the children unless you physically wake him and then complains that you 'sleep in'? Your baby is five weeks old?. He sounds lovely.

Has he always been this much of a prick? There is no way on earth I'd stand for this, I know it's easy enough for me to sit here and type 'LTB' but seriously, has he always been like this or is this since the new baby came along?

I'd be giving him an ultimatum at this point - either he helps or he goes. If you're doing everything anyway then life can only be more pleasant without him there whinging and complaining like a petulant child.

YANBU to want him to get up with DS in the mornings, but I don't think this is the main issue here at all.

steff13 · 23/02/2015 03:10

Is he disabled? Why doesn't he work? If he's a stay at home parent, then I can't imagine how he justifies not getting up at night.

NaughtyRed82 · 23/02/2015 03:29

You should ask him if he realised how many times you have to wake and how long you have to stay awake for each time while your feeding, tell him if he carries on being so ridiculous that you could always wake him every time the baby wakes and he can only go back to sleep when you can once the baby is asleep, maybe then he'll realise how much more sleep he's getting than you and why you need an extra 'bit' of sleep. If he's not working and there with you through the day then surely a can see your not sleeping all day as well!

wreckingball · 23/02/2015 03:55

Jab him with your elbow when your four year old wakes up.
He's a lazy sod by the sound of it.
Get shot.

Humansatnav · 23/02/2015 07:07

Why doesn't he work ? Hes taking you for a mug, sweetheart.

ChoochiWoo · 23/02/2015 07:10

Lazy arsehole! Why doesn't he help no reason not to?

Finola1step · 23/02/2015 07:11

Why doesn't he work? Is he the SAHP and will continue after you return to work?

icklekid · 23/02/2015 07:11

What does he do all day? Most couples I know the dh/dp looks after dc1 in night especially if dc2 is breastfed. Have a and don't feel bad for getting the sleep you need

lacksdirection · 23/02/2015 07:41

Why doesn't your DH work?

Original poster

lostinegypt · 23/02/2015 07:43

he is the stay at home parent. He has never had to get up really with ds as again I breastfed him so I did all the night feedings. Also ds is used to coming to me when he wakes in the night. Just fed up with being made to feel lazy when I'm up feeding the baby!

OP posts:

MoreSnowPlease · 23/02/2015 07:52

This reply has been withdrawn

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MrMacadoo · 23/02/2015 07:58

he's a SAHP yet your son is going to nursery?

CSIJanner · 23/02/2015 07:59

Just asked DH. If I was on maternity leave and DH was the SAHP, DH has just said he would stack shelves on shifts to bring in extra income whilst I was at home. Isn't that the way partnerships work?

YANBU

If he's the SAHP, he needs to suck up the night Eakins as when you go back, bar BF, it will be all him. Will you be eventuallyexpressing so he can give bottles at a later point? That would be the nighttime feeds sorted if you do.

MrsMook · 23/02/2015 08:02

If his role is SAHP, then yes he should get up with Ds1. His sleep is less broken than feeding a month old baby.

DH gets up where necessary and works a long day FT. As I've BFed, I've taken the brunt of the waking as they are usually resolved by milk, so out of Dh's remit, but comfort waking, or when Ds1 was toilet training, he was equally able to resolve.

When are you intending on Rtw? You need an established, fair working arrangement then.

Sootgremlin · 23/02/2015 08:07

My DH gets up in the night to see to our 3 year old when he wakes (most nights) if I can't go to him as I am still feeding and co-sleeping with our one year old.

He gets up with both at 7-7.30 and gives them breakfast so I can have a bit longer with the bed to myself before he goes to his full-time job. I'm the sahp. I can't imagine how your DH can justify not sorting the older child while he is a sahd and you have a five week old.

Also did I read that your ds goes to nursery? What is your DH actually doing while you've got the baby and the older one is at nursery? The idea that he'd make you get up and do the nursery run when you have a new baby and he's just hanging about at home is just mind-boggling.

Lots of women have to manage on their own at that stage, it should be much less stressfull having you both at home, but not if one isn't stepping up.

Mrsjayy · 23/02/2015 08:27

Sooo you get up with the baby see to ypur 4 yr old get up inbetween morning feeds stick a washing on or the dishwasher go back to bed to catch up on sleep and your husband does what exactly? please talk to him today you have a month old baby and he isn't being fair he needs to help you and considering he is a sahp he isn't doing much is he.

Fairylea · 23/02/2015 08:33

What?! He's the sahp so dealing with the 4 year old during the night is the bare minimum he should be doing! Why does he feel entitled to more sleep than you?

Original poster

lostinegypt · 23/02/2015 08:35

ds goes to nursery 2 1/2 days a week. He goes mainly so he can play with other children. I will go back to work in September. I don't expect dh to work as I earn enough to support us both. He does actually take ds to nursery and I pick him up. He just said that last night. He gets up with ds and gets him breakfast but I usually get him dressed. Its just the 'you sleep all day' comment that pisses me off as although I am in bed till approx 10am (sometimes later) I don't always sleep!

OP posts:

Fairylea · 23/02/2015 08:39

Really the very least he should be doing is getting ds sorted during the night, getting him up and sorted for nursery - why does he need you to get ds dressed?! If you're up all night feeding the baby and dh is home then you shouldn't need to do anything else to be honest !

littlejohnnydory · 23/02/2015 08:42

I'm breastfeeding a 13 week old. My dh gets up if any of the other children wake in the night. He then sets an early alarm so he can shower and dress before getting the other children up and breakfasted and dressed so I can sleep a bit longer - and he brings me a cup of tea in bed before leaving for his full time job. Your dh is being a lazy, selfish arse.

Original poster

lostinegypt · 23/02/2015 08:47

I think he has no idea what it is like to be up all night feeding. I also do all the washing and ironing, change the beds, tidy ds room, and sometimes hoover. I make ds lunch when he isn't at nursery and always make my own breakfast and lunch. dh makes dinner. We take it in turns to bath ds and put him to bed. I do threaten to switch to formula so he can do all the night feeding so he can see how tiring it is but wouldn't actually do it. It just annoys me that he doesn't realise how easy he has it!

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 23/02/2015 08:47

Umm a max 2 Hr nap doesn't compensate for the sort of broken night you get bf a 5 wo baby!

Not getting more than a couple of hours sleep at a stretch really makes you tired the rest of the day. You've done a night shift.

Mrsjayy · 23/02/2015 08:49

10 am isn't exactly all day he needs to have a word with himself I get he will do the caring for your son when you are working and mums on maternity leave whos partners work have to do it all but he is being an arse, I suggest you set an alarm every hour or so in the night poke him for 20 minutes after the alarm goes off then ask him to get up at 7 aam and starts his day see how fresh he feels.

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