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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dh to understand why I get up later

112 replies

lostinegypt · 23/02/2015 02:35

I'm so fed up with dh right now. We have a 5 week old baby who I am breastfeeding and a 4 year old who wakes at least once a night. I see to ds the majority of the time but if he wakes up whilst I am feeding the baby I have to wake dh up to put him back to bed. dh is always grumpy about this. We have just had a row about this and i told dh 'ffs u have had to get up once im up loads' to which he replied 'yes and u make sure u wake everyone else up' this is bs as dh is happily snoring away when the baby or ds wake up! he denied this then said but you sleep all day so u can take ds to nursery tomorrow. I dont sleep all day!! i get out of bed at approx 10am and dont sleep again for the rest of the day. I am usually awake around 6/7am feeding the baby and sometimes get up to put the washing on and load/ unload the dishwasher but then go back to bed. aibu to think dh should get up with ds in the morning so I can have a lie in?

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 23/02/2015 08:55

Well based on his input as listed here, I suggest you send him out to get a job. You can use his wages to pay for a cleaner. He'd actually be some use then.

Fairylea · 23/02/2015 09:13

So he's not doing anything round the house in terms of housework either? I agree with the other poster above. Say he needs to get a job and get a cleaner from his wages. Why should he get to be at home doing very little at all while you're doing everything at home and working full time? I say that as a sahm myself.

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 09:16

I have a friend who earnt 3 times what her husband did and they have 3 kids - when she was off on maternity he got short term jobs.

Do you both have equal free time and sleep time? If not then you need to make arrangements so that you are both getting the same amounts.

Otherwise what is the point of him exactly?

realgonekid84 · 23/02/2015 09:29

yanbu. My dh doesn't do night wakings either but he works full time with a long commute and I am a sahm. Hereally needs to step up now or he will get a huge shock when you go back to work.

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 09:37

Wtf? You're doing all the housework too!?? Why are you putting up with this!?

Tell th lazy bastard to go and get a part time job or even full time...in a bar or supermarket or cleaning...you shouldn't be putting up with this OP!

Jackieharris · 23/02/2015 09:37

Your DPs days as described in your later posts are not sufficient for him to be calling himself a 'sahp'. What a joke and an insult to all the really hardworking sahps out there.

He's a lazy cocklodger who sees you as some sort of sugar mummy.

Aside from the bf he should be doing the vast majority of the childcare and housework/cooking etc.

Wtf does he do all day apart from 3 nursery drop offs, one 4yos breakfast and cooking dinner? Ffs plenty of mums and dads who work full time do more than that!

I don't think I've ever seen a case of a DP with such a sense of entitlement! Stop enabling him.

MrsTawdry · 23/02/2015 09:38

When my babies were small and I was at home full time, DH worked full time and STILL shared the night wakings. I formula fed and he gave about half the bottles....your DH should be at least waking for DS and also he should be doing ALL the housework whilst you deal with no sleep through BF.

kilmuir · 23/02/2015 09:41

why on earth are you doing all the housework? stop being a doormat

Thankyoumrspatterson · 23/02/2015 09:42

I'm sorry but What is this man doing all day? I'm a sahm and busy all the time! I have two do and if dh was not working and I was on Mat leave damn right I'd be in bed all day and dh would carry on as normal!!!

This posts makes me seethe, poor you OP. Tell dh to fuck off do one!

FusionChefGeoff · 23/02/2015 09:43

I want to be your DH - what a cushy number! Sort him out, OP. Not acceptable at all.

thatsucks · 23/02/2015 09:44

When you're at work does he do all the housework?

My dh is SAHD. He does all the washing, cleaning and cooking during the week. I do pretty much all the cleaning and bed sheet washing on the weekend, he still cooks and clears up etc.

But I've just remembered when I was on ML with dc2 he suddenly stopped doing anything round the house because I was at home and it caused a few weeks of rows. For some reason, for an intelligent bloke, it couldn't grasp that this wasn't fair! He finally got it and order was restored.

Finola1step · 23/02/2015 09:45

Your DH has got it made. Sorry.

Malabrig0 · 23/02/2015 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petalsandstars · 23/02/2015 09:51

He should be cleaning while DS is at nursery. If he can't do it whilst he's there (I know I can't leave mine alone that long) but the rest - you are being taken advantage of by a cocklodger

Working ft plus doing all the housework? You'd be better off with him working even if his wages just amounted to the cost of childcare and a cleaner.

rallytog1 · 23/02/2015 09:53

If he's a sahp and you're on maternity, he's basically getting a free holiday. Pps are right. He either needs to be doing stuff in the house or going out to work. I do fear though that by not expecting him to work simply on the basis of you earning good money, that this situation may have developed over time... I earn enough to support us both but I still expect my dh to work!

rallytog1 · 23/02/2015 09:53

If he's a sahp and you're on maternity, he's basically getting a free holiday. Pps are right. He either needs to be doing stuff in the house or going out to work. I do fear though that by not expecting him to work simply on the basis of you earning good money, that this situation may have developed over time... I earn enough to support us both but I still expect my dh to work!

petalsandstars · 23/02/2015 09:55

And I am of the pool family money viewpoint so no his/my wages

I just mean literally at least then you'd not have to do the cleaning.

Does he do park/ games/ classes / swimming with DS in the week or tv/computer instead?

waithorse · 23/02/2015 10:05

I'm a stay at home parent, your dh isn't. I get up with the dc, cook, clean, sort out bill's, make appointments and all other house/family related business. Your dh doesn't do any of that, so isn't a stay at home parent. He's just a lazy arse who doesn't work.

bubalou · 23/02/2015 10:30

He's a class A prick and you sound like you're being a push over!

Put your foot down and tell him he is to get up in the night for DS and if he moans once more about you sleeping in them tell him that won't be a problem as you are planning on expressing so he can feed in the night.

And do it! Why not express so he can do night feeds and then you won't 'sleep all day'! Hmm

Lweji · 23/02/2015 10:35

He is not a SAHP, he's a cocklodger, FGS.

What on earth is he doing at home if all he does is cook dinner?

I think you'd find a cleaner cheaper.

What are you actually getting from him? Sex? Is it that good?

ilikepie · 23/02/2015 10:45

He sounds like he's got it all his own way. A kept man. Does he go for coffee with the yummy mummies instead of doing his share of housework? Don't mean to upset you, you have a little baby and enough on your plate, but as pp said maybe you could keep a nanny or a cleaner instead of your DH and then at least there's be no backchat and you wouldn't have to do all the chores.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 23/02/2015 11:02

for contrast - my fiance isn't actually my older children's father (he is the father of the one I'm currently upduffed with).

He tells me off for NOT jabbing him and making him get up when the 4 year old or 2 year old wake at night. Because he can see I'm knackered.
He also cooks 3 or 4 times a week. He works, and I'm the at-home-parent (and I now I'm lucky to have him).

What does your partner contribute? Because from where I'm sat reading your posts, it's not a lot!

Sootgremlin · 23/02/2015 11:09

Fine that he goes to nursery, but 2 and a half days is enough for your DH to be on top of the household stuff and he could even fit in a nap himself if you and the baby are sleeping.

It is hard adjusting to a new baby and so easy to have arguments and competitive tiredness but really you have a set up at the moment until you go back to work that should dilute a lot of that if you work as a team.

Does your DH maybe feel a bit uncertain of his role now you're home and not sure where he fits? A proper discussion when you're not too frazzled is needed.

Original poster
lostinegypt · 23/02/2015 11:23

so far today:
me:
dressed ds
emptied nappy bin and recyling into bins outside
put a load of washing on then put it on driers
put pots away
loaded dishwasher
fed dog
dressed baby

dh:
gave ds breakfast and took him to nursery

OP posts:
OhMjh · 23/02/2015 11:43

I have a 12 week old and we don't get up until 10am or maybe 11 today and quite a few days unless we have somewhere to be. Yesterday, we didn't get out of bed at all due to a shit night before with some major BF issues until DP got home from work, where I made him a cuppa and we snuggled in bed, the three of us.

Men don't usually get it, IMHO. Even when she has a bottle, I give her that as he could sleep through a hurricane. That's how he knew that other night was so bad, because he actually woke up to her just after I did which is a very, very rare thing.

Tell him to push a melon out his arse, not sleep properly for 5 weeks, run on tea and biscuits while surrounded by piles of washing and then ask him to get up at 7am and do something productive.