Our neighbour...

[MrsSchadenfreude]

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

I think calling his daughter at all hours of the day, as suggested by a lot of posters, will result in police issuing you a warning for harassment.

He's harassing you. You can't then "pass the buck" and harass his daughter.

I am watching this thread with interest as I have a 89 year old neighbour with dementia who is coming to my house to ask what day it is. Not a bother at the moment but I wouldn't want it to get worse. According to another neighbour who is also being bothered the family who live locally are on the case but nothing has happened for over 14 months. She has already had a distraction burglary but 90% of the time she is on her own and doesn't even has carers. I am worried it will end up with something going wrong.

I feel for you OP - it is so hard. You sound lovely and the daughter seems awful.

I am at the other "end" if you like as I am a daughter. Mum has dementia - and two lovely sets of neighbours. So far she doesn't bother them too much, although I am aware that because she is vulnerable they feel responsible for her.

I am supremely grateful when the neighbours ring me and I always act on it. (3 or 4 times a year)

I got excellent carers but my DM sacked them. I involved SS who say that she is capable and an adult so there is nothing they can do. The District Nurse and the GP have been brilliant but my DM will not listen to anybody or accept help.

I am 50 miles away with a job, kids, a house and a shedload of problems! My DM believes she is fine. The law says she is a free agent. She is vulnerable but until something terrible happens we just have to watch.

p.s. I do visit every week

I feel so lucky, because I am an only child and my mother is 95 and lives independantly in her own flat. She still has no signs of any mental deterioration at all. I feel desperately sorry for all those people who aren't so fortunate. It is such a terrible situation and incredibly difficult to find a solution. OP, I hope this man goes into sheltered accommodation very soon and you and your DH finally get some peace. The stress must be unbearable.

It is unbearable.

The daughter in this case seems detached (maybe with good reason, going by OP's earlier comments), but even with OH and I (no siblings) absolutely all over this situation with my MIL, getting concrete help from SS is just like trying to get blood from a stone...

We've managed to affect a move to assisted living ourselves privately, but getting her into care when the time comes depends entirely on help from the (spectacularly useless hitherto) powers that be... Unless someone from SS has deemed the person doesn't have capacity anymore (a very fluid concept - you can still know your own mind while knocking incessantly day in day out and driving your neighbours mad), we can't physically force her to do anything.

It's soul destroying. Really. Truly. Five years and counting, and it doesn't get any better...

Personally I'd be massively grateful to any neighbour raising concerns to all and sundry at every opportunity. At best, it would help move the situation along in the direction of everyone's best interest. And at the very least, it would prove to me that it's not all in my head (this illness has you questioning your own judgement at times!) and that it really is as bad for other people as it is for me...

It is now worse than ever. He is sleeping on our landing and at the door constantly. I called social services every day last week and got the impression that they have washed their hands of him as "he has turned down several different options for sheltered accommodation" and "he is refusing to take his medication, which is why he is becoming more delusional." He seems to spend all of his time standing right outside our door - he was so close to it the other day that I nearly knocked him flying when I came out.

The mental health nurse came to see him on Friday, and appears to have told him not to keep knocking on our door, but to little effect - he banged on it for half an hour last night and has been there twice this morning.

He was brought home twice by an ambulance last week and twice by the police. How long, and how many people have to be involved before something happens, and they find him a home or somewhere - he told me he wants to go into a home, where he can be looked after, not sheltered accommodation. But it seems to be the case that he is not bad enough for a home, and would go into sheltered accommodation first, and then when he gets worse, into a home. But at the moment, he's not going anywhere.

I think I am going to have to go to the doctor myself and ask for something to help with the stress. I am at screaming point now.

I don't have much to say, although I am pretty confident in saying that social services can't wash their hands of him permanently.

You have been incredibly patient up to now. Has the daughter been responding to your calls? She may be able to have more power over deciding for him to go into a home. It may be worth ordering suggesting that the flat be sold and that money is used.

His DD finally came to see him last week. She thought he seemed "quite good." I imagine the family don't want him to go into a home because it would mean their inheritance being sold and whittled away on care home fees. As he only sees one of them regularly (who is a child) and one once in a blue moon (and he hadn't seen her for 20 years) and he never sees the other four, I don't imagine they will be shedding many tears when he dies.

I think that by now I would have loaded the poor man into a car , taken him to an A&E ( or police station /social service office /council offices) and left him in the waiting area. That way he would be safe but 'someone' would eventually have to take responsibility for him.
Im presuming he isnt able or willing to give information about his address etc so he couldnt be simply taken home again without some sort of assessment done on him first.

What about getting the local councillors and/or MP involved?

I can't believe this has been going on for so long now, OP. Can you go to the local paper? Or get a solicitor involved? After all, if he's deemed well enough to be at home, he should be able to understand some kind of harassment order being served? I don't really think he should be criminalized but this should have been dealt with by someone a long time ago. The powers that be can't have it all ways - he's either well enough to be at home and act accordingly or unwell and needs appropriate level care.

I really don't know what I'd do in your position. It sounds like his daughter is disengaged for her part but in reality, whilst maybe morally she should do something, he's not her responsibility. What do the police say when you call? What happens if you call 999 and say you're scared to leave your house as there's a crazy man out there battering on your door?

Please approach your local councillors and your MP. He sounds massively vulnerable.

If the authorities say he is not I'll enough to be in a home then I'd report his 'harassment' to the police every single time he is at your door. There are so many people like him who are falling through the gaps in a woefully underfunded adult social care system. It must be a hideous situation for you, and for him.

OP, as this is a block of flats, I'm assuming there is a landlord, or that they are owned by the council? If so, check your lease or tenancy agreement. There should be a covenant in there allowing you quiet enjoyment of your flat, and there is probably something saying you mustn't cause a nuisance. If I'm right, contact the owner as a matter of urgency and say this man is in serious breach of the terms of his lease or tenancy, because of his activities your own right to quiet enjoyment is being breached; you, social services and the police have done everything you possibly can to sort it out, and they now need to take eviction proceedings.

actually, i think that eviction route sounds worth a try. he clearly can't stay on his own and ss have to be forced to find somewhere for him. if he's evicted he's homeless.

the only thing is the freehold owner might not be bothered but if all of you leaseholders stand up and say something has to be done you might get somewhere.

sorry for you. this sounds intolerable.

You could log his behavior with the police and that would generate a referral to a variety of agencies. They would appreciate the information as he is clearly vulnerable, hence a 'good target' for the more unpleasant characters in society. He wouldn't get into any trouble and it would help him and hopefully you in the long term.

The terms of the lease for the block is a great idea. We own the freehold jointly with other owners in our block. Each leaseholder is beholden to the others to fulfil the terms of the lease - ie quiet enjoyment and such. It has never happened, and could be tricky legally, but according to our lease, it is entirely possible for an owner to have to forfeit their share of the freehold if they don't abide by its terms and conditions. I doubt your neighbour is doing so.

You poor thing OP. I can't believe this is still going on.

Might have been suggested before but have his relatives considered a care alarm? When he's getting paranoid he could press it, and the care team would be there to talk to him. They'll probably end up just calling the police, but it might stop him knocking as much if he has someone to talk to.

Do you think if you contact the police every time then he could get passed on to the right agencies? If he is criminalised it won't help, but perhaps a push from a different agency may help galvanise Social Services (who will do as little as possible)

Sending all the best. I'd be beside myself.

I think that contacting your mp sounds like a good idea. Realistically I'm not too sure what the police could do. SS are well aware of this man so I can't see what yet another referral from the police would achieve. The CPS would quite possibly say it's not in the public interest to prosecute him so there would be a limited benefit to the police dealing with him for criminal harassment. SS and mental health services are struggling with resources so they will probably leave him where he is for as long as possible. Your mp may be the only person with enough influence to force some action.

Do you still engage with your neighbour? If you consistently ignore him when you see him, as well as when he knocks at your door, he might eventually give up.

An MP's letter made a massive difference when I was dealing with Adult Social Services, but I think it also depends on the MP.

Well as I type he is being loaded into an ambulance - I think he is, there is one outside the block anyway. Apparently he fell in his flat and was locked in, so couldn't get to the front door.

The block is a small one, and we all own a share of the freehold. Yes, there is something in the rules and regulations about "quiet enjoyment". Not sure how we go about enforcing that, but let's see if they take him into hospital first. A huge amount of police and paramedics' time has been taken up with this one man of later.

You need to contact local social services, either the older people team or, if mental health services are not integrated, the mental health social work team. I'd also recommend contacting the local community mental health or older person's mental health team, as they will need to assess his mental health before a mental health act assessment can be conducted with a view to either detaining to hospital or support from the local crisis/home treatment team. Poor chap does not sound well, but the fact he has carers in place already indicates he is known to services and may need care package adjusting or moving to warden controlled or supported accommodation. His daughter should really be the driving force with this, but as neighbours you can raise concerns. It may also be worthwhile logging things with 101 as the police could attend and raise vulnerable person reports to local services.

And no, contacting the police won't criminalise his actions, they divert the unwell away from the criminal justice system.