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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our neighbour...

369 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/02/2015 21:28

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 06/09/2015 20:38

I would suggest putting either a real camera up outside your door to reccord the level of harrasment or a fake camera to deterr him.
My Mum has dementia, it is horrible but you need to protect yourself.

RandomMess · 06/09/2015 20:44

Yep start phoning the police and the daughter every time he is banging on your door until they accept it's not ok...

Flowers
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 06/09/2015 21:24

I have no advice, but wanted to be another person saying that this must be bloody awful, and you have been very kind Flowers

I hope you find a solution soon.

Alterego1965 · 06/09/2015 21:37

Christ. I was hoping there'd be a peaceful update. Nightmare for you op.

notquitehuman · 06/09/2015 21:38

I agree with the camera idea in case SS or daughter come back with 'oh it can't be that bad.' Also, keep a diary if you can't get through to DD at certain hours. It might come in useful to have a log in future.

maddening · 07/09/2015 00:03

Ps do not hold any of his belongings for him - if he is confused and starts saying it was stolen then you are in the firing line - I wouldn't go in to his house at all, my gran had dementia and started losing things then saying it was stolen only to be found hidden in her glasses case in random places - it can't have been pleasant for her carers to have suggestions of wrong doing.

pluck · 07/09/2015 00:17

Oh, no! I remember when you first posted, and it's such a shame it's gone to hell like this. Sad

A friend of mine had a considerable effort getting her mother sorted in a home (also dementia), as there are considerable hurdles to taking adults' rights away from them (freedom of movement, control over their own money, responsibility for their own care).

What happened to the approach of stressing the physical risk he poses to his neighbours? You've already had flooding: why wait for fire?

thebaelishmockingbird · 07/09/2015 05:39

I wouldn't wait until morning to be calling the daughter, if you are having to get up at up to 2am I would call her then and tell her all about it! My mum has dementia and I just cannot imagine leaving her to hammer someone's door at night. You really need to be very forceful with the people who should be safeguarding him. My mum is heavily medicated now but her paranoia and aggression were terrifying at its peak while we tried to get doseages right and you absolutely should not be dealing with it. I would report to social services and the police and the daughter every single time it happens. If he is sleeping in the hall perhaps call the police then to move him as it will be on record for social services that this is the condition he is in.
I also agree with the other posters who said do not hold anything for him as you are right in the firing line. I really feel for you though as I find it exhausting and demotivating going round in circles but in my case it is my mum, you really shouldn't be having to deal with this.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 07/09/2015 05:58

Bloody hell OP I think I'd move if I were you!
What if you totally try to ignore him, like he doesn't exist? Have you tried that?

QOD · 07/09/2015 06:43

Oh op what a nightmare

Handsoffmysweets · 07/09/2015 10:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

ArendelleQueen · 07/09/2015 11:05

No, of course I did t mean to be rude. I'm sorry!
I want to help the OP. She can get services to move their arses and they need to. I know they (we) do try. OP doesn't need to research, she just needs to live in peace without being disturbed. She can be helped but she can do nowt about capacity and LPA. Services can do that and they should be.

Sorry, I meant to PM you MrsS and I will do later. :)

Needmoresleep · 07/09/2015 11:21

Are you keeping a diary. Then ask for an ASBO or restraining order. You are entitled to quiet enjoyment of your own home. If then it can't be enforced because of his mental illness they will have to acknowledge this something else.

I would also contact the managing agents as he is almost certainly breaching terms of the head lease. Ask for enforcement. Again they can apply to have his lease withdrawn which forces the issue.

In short unless you force the issue no one is likely to, until things become completely unsustainable for them as well as you. He needs to move. So they find him a place in the sheltered housing next door (I would have though he needs more than straight sheltered) or override his desire to stay locally. At least till a place comes up.

This must happen for your sake. Demand action on the ASBO.

And forget the daughter. Some people rise to the challenge of elderly parents. Lots, for varying reasons, don't.

Given how distressed he is, a move to somewhere more suitable is in his own interest. You have already put up with, and done, more than enough

grapejuicerocks · 07/09/2015 11:32

Time to grow that thick skin. You are going to have to be rude to him to the point that he no longer deems it worthwhile to come round.

JacquesHammer · 07/09/2015 11:39

His DD doesn't want him to go into care, as the flat will presumably have to be sold, and care home fees will eat into her inheritance

Tough shit - inheritance isn't a right.

I would be making every fuss you can with every authority you can until someone listens. For both your mental health and ultimately the safety of an old gent who clearly is struggling.

I'm actually pretty appalled by the attitude of the daughter. She wants to be NC? Totally fine. But what she actually wants is to be enough in the picture to get her money when he dies? And in the meantime let a neighbour deal with all the shit? Not on your life.

You poor, poor thing OP. Flowers

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 11:43

Apparently he has 6 kids and only one is still in regular contact. Think that says a lot.

Doublebubblebubble · 07/09/2015 11:47

I would definitely give ss a ring.

wotoodoo · 07/09/2015 12:14

I think you are going to have to start recording everything and taking notes and keeping a journal, also put up your own cctv and then get a harrassment order and answer the door while videoing him.

It is the only way, iisn't it? Bar you moving out yourselves.

WeAllFloat · 07/09/2015 12:15

If he has six kids, why is just one daughter in the firing line for all these calls op is being told to make to her??

LadyShirazz · 07/09/2015 12:51

OP, I feel your pain, truly!

My MIL has dementia and has knocked once too often at her (very kind) neighbours in the past - usually cause she'd fucked up some item of technology by fiddling with it too much and then couldn't get it to work again...

We have moved her to assisted living closer to us, in part as a result of the above (lots of other issues of course) - fortunately she doesn't seem to have bothered her neighbours there too much since, but on a day to day basis, there is little we could do to stop her if and when she starts up again with this... Telling her not to doesn't work (in one ear out the other, or results in denials that she ever knocks on the neighbours) and notes on the door (even in big bold letters) just aren't visually "processed" iyswim.

I would try the Alzheimers forum (forum.alzheimers.org.uk) also in terms of advice and agree you need to wage bureaucratic war at this stage to get anything changed - it's not against him but for him and his benefit in the long run.

Keep a diary, call police, call SS EVERY time - agree that cameras (oh the irony) and recordings are also necessary at this point too.

SonjasSister · 07/09/2015 13:16

Have no rtft but in your situation I wouldbe seeking legal advice to find out what to do in this kind of harassment (which it clearly is) so Icould firstly know what terms to 'mention' when talikg to daughter, ss etc, and also, to see if its worth actually pursuing.

No WAY can this daughter exoect to inherit, clearly this guy needs to make use of the value in his flat to access the care he needs.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 07/09/2015 14:53

I'd contact your MP and see what they can do.He clearly isn't well enough to be on his own. I have to admit I don't really think it's safe for his 12year old daughter to be staying there if he is now saying he thinks she is spying with her mum.

JacquesHammer · 07/09/2015 16:56

If he has six kids, why is just one daughter in the firing line for all these calls op is being told to make to her??

Because OP has liaised with her before. Because it seems like its the only child OP knows the number of. Because SS have said this particular daughter is involved. Because at least one of the other kids is 12

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/09/2015 18:20

We liaise with just one of his daughters because she is the only one we have met. She gave us her phone number "if necessary", which is why we call her. We don't even know the names of the other kids, and only know of them because his DD told us about them. And we know the one who is a minor.

Arendelle Queen, thank you for the PM and the very helpful advice!

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 07/09/2015 18:24

Really sorry to hear about this. I think you need to keep pestering anyone - police, SS etc. etc. What an awful way to live.

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