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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter that it's gonna be tough being female?

101 replies

MissyMew123 · 21/02/2015 22:01

So hubby tells DD that she can be anything she wants to be, which I fully support, (this comes about after watching the The Voice and she asks why only one girl judge?) I say it's tough being female in a male dominated world. AIBU or just being realistic about the world we live in? He was mad with me cause in my experience it is harder to achieve as a woman. I'd rather she knows that or is it better that she thinks nothing but her abilities will get in her way?

OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 21/02/2015 23:51

i talk about sexism all the time with my 9 yr old dd, it's her posing the questions mostly and me pointing things out to her but like everyone else has said here op, in a positive 'the world's your oyster, be the best you can be' way, not 'you're doomed love, you're female' haha! Though I'm sure you're not really saying or meaning that! Smile

ArghMeToes · 21/02/2015 23:54

YABU (and I mean that as nicely as possible! ). My Dad told me and my sister we could do anything we wanted to do. I think he still harbours a secret hope that one day I will be prime minister! I work in a male dominated industry, can count on one hand the number of times I have felt it has held me back. I started as a clerk and in six months had doubled my salary, been promoted twice and was the youngest person in my role in the UK by about a decade (Still am, but not by quite as much!). My sister is also kick as at her job and now out earns me, despite being two years younger. She has loads of friends, bonuses etc...

I would say (and my point in stating the above) that confidence breeds success. It never occurred to either of us that these things weren't possible, or were less likely because we are female, we just went out and expected them to happen (and put the work in!) And they did happen. The biggest gift you can give your daughter is belief in herself (and a good work ethic - talent is something she was born with) and sometimes I think that means obscuring the truth until she is far enough along in life that it won't make too much of a difference. Honestly, doing interviews and exams and so on is tough enough without freaking out that a bloke will get something you won't.

notenoughwine · 22/02/2015 04:51

Um...is it?

I haven't actually heard anyone claim this kind of thing in real life since I was at uni and the silly little girls were claiming all the men were preventing them from being princesses and prime ministers and CEOs.

Nobody has ever been able to tell me why I, as a woman, am oppressed on any way.

my2centsis · 22/02/2015 06:16
Biscuit
Aridane · 22/02/2015 06:20

YABU

hestialou · 22/02/2015 07:52

My parents never told me anything like this have worked in male dominated environment for 20 years...only recently been discriminated against for female issues (more likely pregnancy than female though) I think telling a female she is going to struggle will mean she will expect it and therefore have issues.

Lottie5 · 22/02/2015 07:54

You're not being that unreasonable - you have a daughter who is bright enough to notice inequality and you've responded in a way that respects her intelligence - it probably feels wrong to sugar coat things for her.

I think you are fine as long as you put a positive spin on things by adding that things are changing all the time because women are just as good as men and she too can push boundaries and get what she wants. You don't want her feeling that being a woman is a handicap but there's no harm in explaining how women have historically had to fight harder for positions of power in my opinion.

bumbleymummy · 22/02/2015 08:15

I think some women are looking for barriers. I think it would be a terrible approach to suggest that your daughter is going to struggle because she's female. It's almost like setting her up to fail!

ApocalypseThen · 22/02/2015 08:18

The fact is that it is going to be harder because she's female. She will encounter barriers that her male counterparts won't and she will have to work harder to get where she wants to go. It won't be helped by pretending it doesn't happen.

Eminybob · 22/02/2015 08:21

Yes YABU. It is such an antiquated view and has no place in society now.

In all my 34 years I have never felt that being female is a barrier. The only barriers are the ones we make for ourselves. It's a lazy attitude to blame "a mans world" for lack of achievement.

As a side note I have always out-earned my DP, if that is any sort of measure. We both work in the same industry and started at the same level.

Mrsjayy · 22/02/2015 09:08

I think as pp said talk to her about sexism and what is and isn't acceptable thats what I always did/do I think its not tp bad for girls these days

bumbleymummy · 22/02/2015 09:12

Sorry Apocalypse. I completely disagree. I work in a male dominated industry and I've never had to work harder than anyone else. I agree with Eminy - the barriers only exist if you put them there!

BikeRunSki · 22/02/2015 09:15

Why not equip her with the lifeskills she needs and let her get on with life her own way.

I also work in construction - geotechnical engineer- and have never found being female an issue, in the 22 years since I first stepped on a construction site.

chrome100 · 22/02/2015 09:16

YABU.

I am a female and I don't think it's tough in the slightest. I have never experienced any discrimination and I work in computer programming and my hobby is downhill mountain biking (both very male dominated).

In the UK today your daughter can be anything she wants to be.

deadenddan · 22/02/2015 09:42

YABU I'm one of 3 "girls" went to an all girls school and have pretty much waltzed through life achieving on my skills as have my sisters. The fact we wouldn't/couldn't do something for lack of penis never really raised its head despite, critically looking back, living in a very old fashioned sexist farming community.

Of course I eventually became aware in an abstract way of the inherent barriers that come with being female but by that point my own attitude of "what? Just because I'm a girl? Fuck off" was well entrenched Grin

Fill her with positives not excuses.

BrandyAlexander · 22/02/2015 10:50

I think it's so naive to say that being female isn't an issue. Perhaps someone should have told Lord Davies before he bothered issuing his ground breaking report? or tell Sheryl Sandberg it's all in her head?

madasa · 22/02/2015 11:30

I bought my daughter up to believe she could be anything she wanted to be provided she worked hard, honed her skills.

She's 24 now and is a mechanical engineer.

Out of the blue the other day I received a letter from her in which she thanked me for bringing her up to have the confidence to have a go at anything, and to not let anything stand in her way.

I did have something in my when I read it.

deadenddan · 22/02/2015 11:31

I don't think anyone is saying it isn't an issue I think that people are saying don't fill her with excuses and expectations of a tough ride when that in itself could create such barriers!

madasa · 22/02/2015 11:31

my eye even

SweetsForMySweet · 22/02/2015 11:39

YABU, teach her to be strong, confident and follow her dreams. There will be enough people in the world trying to bring her down, let her know that her parents love and support her.

Jackieharris · 22/02/2015 11:39

OP I agree with you and think some of the posters on this thread must go through life with dark glasses on.

Girls do face more barriers than boys. It's a fact. Some people may feel their life experience doesn't reflect that and so be it there are always exceptions to the rule.

I went to an academic school that told us we could should be high achievers, doctors, lawyers etc but they completely glossed over the issue of how we would combine those high flying careers with a family life. It's as if they expected the girls to either never have DCs or to be able to afford nannies/boarding schools.

I'm not saying don't encourage able girls into male dominated careers but we should be telling them that if they want that and a family it will be harder for them practically than for the young men.

They need to know that 30000 women per year are sacked for taking maternity leave. They need to know that childcare will cost as much or more than all but high salaries. They need to know how important it is to have a partner who supports their career, is willing to move with them, compromise on their own career and doesn't expect her to do 'wifework'.

Imo my dd will be much better prepared to cope with the challenges she'll face if she is well informed than if the facts are deliberately kept hidden from her.

Fairyliz · 22/02/2015 11:40

So there are not many female prime ministers or heads of companies etc but what %tage of the population are these anyway? Lets be honest most men don't get to do these jobs.

In RL as opposed to mumsnet world most people live ordinary, boring lives on average salaries. its unlikely that she will be a millionaire or president or find a cure for cancer irrespective of her gender.

TheCowThatLaughs · 22/02/2015 11:41

It's a good idea to tell her about sexism so she can question it and challenge it, rather than just thinking that's how it is and it can't be changed

GreenShadow · 22/02/2015 11:43

Assuming you are in the UK, then I genuinely don't think it's harder to be a woman now.

Maybe I have been lucky in both my experiences in life and in the young women I meet through my DC, but I think most now have as much chance as their male counterparts to go on and achieve what they want in life.

MumSnotBU · 22/02/2015 11:46

I don't think it's a helpful message. Even if that's your belief, it doesn't have to be true for her. She will be living in a very different world in the future. Personally I think I'd rather be female than male, if I had the choice.

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