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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter that it's gonna be tough being female?

101 replies

MissyMew123 · 21/02/2015 22:01

So hubby tells DD that she can be anything she wants to be, which I fully support, (this comes about after watching the The Voice and she asks why only one girl judge?) I say it's tough being female in a male dominated world. AIBU or just being realistic about the world we live in? He was mad with me cause in my experience it is harder to achieve as a woman. I'd rather she knows that or is it better that she thinks nothing but her abilities will get in her way?

OP posts:
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 21/02/2015 22:36

Tell her when she gets to 45 she's going to have to start plucking her chin.

Might as well tell her straight.

Alanna1 · 21/02/2015 22:36

Talk to your daughter about sexism, just as you would racism or anything like that. But don't let it limit her - its not as bad as it used to be AND you pander to it! I encounter sexism in my (male dominated) job occassionally. But I still love what I do (and earn a very good amount) and have a great group around me to challenge it. Live her dreams. And I wouldnt swop my choices for my male colleagues' ones any day - I love being a woman!

PtolemysNeedle · 21/02/2015 22:38

Yabu.

Tell her the particular difficulties you've faced as a women in a male dominated industry if she shows an interest in going into one when she's old enough by all means, but being female really isn't that bad. I quite like it. I don't see that you have anything of importance to tell her yet.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 21/02/2015 22:38

YABU

Nolim · 21/02/2015 22:39

Yabu

Original poster
MissyMew123 · 21/02/2015 22:41

Ok, I get it I am wrong. Lol. Good to hear that she won't wont face the things I did. Glad the world has changed.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2015 22:42

YABsortofU. With DD (only 4 yo) I prefer to question why things are like they are and talk about change. Why is only one puppy on Paw Patrol a girl and why does she have the shittest smallest vehicle? Which vehicle would DD like? Well, that's the one she should have; no reason for the boys to have all the fun.

Only show her the obstacles to point out that they are unfair and need to be changed. Not to squash her dreams.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/02/2015 22:42

I think it is important for her to learn about fight for equality (and obviously for boys too) and how to deal with everyday sexism

but not in a way that will claim that sexism will limit her progressing in life this is changing and this is what we are fighting for

men and woman have struggles in life, but to ignore that woman are not always equal and this is still a fight we have on our hands will not help make changes that she will be part of

IsabellaofFrance · 21/02/2015 22:43

I tell my DD that with hard work she can be anything she wants to be, the same as I tell my DSes.

southeastastra · 21/02/2015 22:44

how tough is it really? it's tough for all people, i have to tell my 13 year old son daily that it's tough for him, he has to compete against kids who have had their lives mapped out for them

it's hard for all kids, especially kids who are from working class backgrounds. i think sometimes people imagine the real world from what the real world actually is

backinthebox · 21/02/2015 22:45

I work in a profession where only 2.5% of the people doing it are women. Weirdly, the only sexist comments I have had are from members of the public. My company and colleagues treat me as 'one of them,' and as far as I can see the only thing stopping more women doing my job is misguided people telling girls it's not a job they can do!

So tell your daughter by all means, but be aware that YOU may be the one holding her back, not the rest of the world, by planting those negative ideas in her head. For me, I will be telling my daughter she can be whatever she wants to be, and supporting her in her aims. She currently wants to be a scientist of some sort, and we had a fabulous conversation with a (male) member of staff at the Royal Observatory who was very encouraging, and actually said science still really needs more women. I was impressed at his approach - he made a good impression on both my son and daughter.

BrandyAlexander · 21/02/2015 22:46

Growing up, my dad always told all of us children that we could do anything that we wanted to do. We have a saying amongst us siblings now when times are tough "Come on you're a xxx, you can do this". There was a second mantra for us girls that always went with the first mantra and that was "you're going to have to work twice hard and be twice as smart to prove yourself because you're a girl." End result, my siblings and I grew up believing we could achieve anything we wanted but it wouldn't be easy. All of us have achieved beyond the wildest dreams of our parents, but I think it's only in the last few years that I really came to appreciate the gift of self belief with a heavy dose of realism is one of the most invaluable gifts I got from my parents, especially do. Might not work for everyone, but it did for us.

Original poster
MissyMew123 · 21/02/2015 22:53

I would add she's observing the differences all around us all the time and asking questions. I was not telling her she cannot do somthing because she's female! Some industries are male dominated and some are female dominated, it's just they way it is and I don't know why? It does not mean that you shouldn't "go against the flow" just that it might have obsticals, that's all..

OP posts:
LetticeKnollys · 21/02/2015 22:56

i think sometimes people imagine the real world from what the real world actually is

Er, the existence of the gender pay gap and male dominated professions are pretty much indisputable.

It's good to make children aware of sexism along with other social injustices at some point, OP just communicated it a little badly in this instance.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2015 23:02

With hard work she will not, for example, be able to be a millionaire footballer. Or the Pope. Probably not President/Prime Minister of a lot of countries so. Archbishop of Canterbury? Governor of the Bank of England? Not to mention all the posts in which there have only been one woman in history.

By all means encourage your DD, but let's not pretend that there's no sexism in the world. My DF wanted me to be the first Governor of the Bank of England. Bless him, there still hasn't been one. I was very much encouraged but aware that there were obstacles.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/02/2015 23:06

leave her to have her hopes and dreams - she's a child - let her enjoy childhood while she can.

msgrinch · 21/02/2015 23:08

It's not that tough though is it (had same upbringing as Edwin).epic
If she wants it she can earn it. just the same as if she had a penis.

BrandyAlexander · 21/02/2015 23:18

Sorry but why, in this country, would you not tell your dd that they could be Prime Minister? Or the governor of the BoE (get in the FS industry)? Or a millionaire footballer (go to the US)?

Original poster
MissyMew123 · 21/02/2015 23:22

Yes I agree it came across badly cause I was annoyed. Of course she can do whatever she chooses. But there are still challenges for women, sadly. Very few female company directors FTSE 100, MPs, government ministers, older female TV presenters ect.. A very real pay gap..female elite sport.. That was my point, there are still differences today, much less than the 1980s but still there. And for some parts of the world they are very evident... Just don't want her to think that we live in a bubble where this stuff does not affect us..I did not mean to be negative, just realistic.

OP posts:
nooka · 21/02/2015 23:26

If a child is aware enough to notice that women are not represented fully in important/noticeable roles then I think they are old enough to learn about institutional sexism and why it is harder for women to achieve than it is for men. That doesn't mean being defeatist or negative, but it does mean acknowledging that there are barriers. If we don't see the barriers how can we get over them?

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2015 23:28

Yabu

however · 21/02/2015 23:29

I wouldn't be a bloke for quids.

I am woman, hear me roar.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2015 23:31

Consider that maybe the reason there aren't as many women in those roles is because they choose not to be. Many women choose to take time out from their careers to raise a family. Many choose to go back to work part time and don't necessarily want those types of jobs that usually come with long hours and tons of pressure. If you want that life then go for it. Being a woman has nothing to do with it. Actually wanting that life does.

Original poster
MissyMew123 · 21/02/2015 23:33

The Prime Minster was one on my examples. When I told her there has only been one female prime minister and I don't know why. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister and I said that was fantastic and I hope she is one day. So not negative at all just factual.

OP posts:
RatMort · 21/02/2015 23:33

YANBU, but your OP suggests the problem is 'being female', whereas the problem is, of course, institutionalised sexism and patriarchal structures. Make it clear her sex isn't the problem. Be a feminist role model for her - and your husband is equally important as a feminist role model.

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