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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend was right to not give up her seat? Yes, another train one.

140 replies

MythicalKings · 21/02/2015 08:19

Friend was taking two of her grandchildren to a city 60 miles away for a half term treat. Part of the treat was the train journey there and back so she reserved seats for the three of them. The journey there was uneventful and they had a lovely day. But were very tired when they boarded the train to go home.

The train had filled up before it left the station and people were standing so she moved one child from his reserved seat to sit with her and the other GC - three of them on a seat made for 2. More people got on at the next station and it was uncomfortably crowded.

A man told my friend his wife needed to sit down so the children should stand. F said they had already given up one reserved seat and they were tired, so the children wouldn't be standing.

The man muttered about people with no manners and went further down the carriage.

She's feeling guilty now but she was so tired she couldn't face standing on a crowded train so didn't offer her seat. I think she was totally reasonable.

MN jury?

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 21/02/2015 13:34

If i got on a train and there was one seat I would stand and get my DS to sit down.

Your friends was not unreasonable.

She reserved seats and gave one up.

As for the nonsense you shouldn't travel in rush hour.. What nonsense.

Totally agree with all of this. I let my dc sit while I stood next to them on a busy train recently - I don't want them falling about, cracking their heads on something. I hate the way children are seen as 2nd class citizens on trains- not allowed seats, not allowed to travel at certain times. Totally victorian.

OneHandFlapping · 21/02/2015 13:40

Having recently watched two able-bodied 10-12 year olds race an elderly woman for seats on the Tube, under the approving gaze of their Boden-clad mother, I think a little bit of old-fashioned courtesy would not come amiss.

bruffin · 21/02/2015 13:42

my child would sit on my lap on a busy train. I certainly wouldnt stand and let them sit. That would be crowding the train more.

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/02/2015 13:42

I totally agree onehandflapping, but why should old grans and children not also have courtesy extended to them?

tobysmum77 · 21/02/2015 13:43

I dont think it's to do with money at all. Those without seat reservations are most likely to be travelling on open returns and will probably have paid the most. It doesn't mean they can kick anyone out if their seats.

I have also reserved seats that didn't exist - the train arrives and its a carriage shorter/ there is a broken door so you aren't allowed in Hmm

SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 21/02/2015 13:44

Having recently watched two able-bodied 10-12 year olds race an elderly woman for seats on the Tube

Obviously unacceptable.

80schild · 21/02/2015 13:49

I believe that the etiquette is that if you have paid for it, it is yours so OP NBU. Also, OP was in greater need having children with her.

The situation where children should give up their seats is when it is a short journey, they have not paid and they can either sit on an adult's lap or stand unaided.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2015 13:55

I don't see why they should give up their seats at all. And what SGB said, this man targeted a woman with children to bully his way. What was his wife doing? Imagine expecting a child to give up a seat for you because you're 'tired' and then using your bully cock husband to get it for you? Pair of weirdos.

RabidFairy · 21/02/2015 14:03

She was definitely not being unreasonable.

I had a reserved seat on a recent train. I hadn't intended to but I must have clicked something or perhaps the Train Line just added it? Anyway, I missed my train due to an accident on the motorway delaying me getting to the station, which meant waiting an hour for the next train, which had no reserved seats showing, but I hope someone sat in "my" seat given that I wasn't there to sit in it. Which has nothing to do with the thread, but its what it made me think of.

Aridane · 21/02/2015 14:08

YABU - but only to the extent you feel the need to ask the question. Of course your friend WNBU!

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 14:50

I find that strange. If anything I would give up my seat for a child, not make them stand so I could sit. Children get tired faster than adults.

PilchardPrincess · 21/02/2015 14:58

The man should have asked an adult who looked healthy. And if they said no tried someone else.

It's not safe for young children to be standing on packed trains (or any really) they are small, they get squished, they often can't hold on properly, they don't have as much weight to hold them in place if there is hard braking etc.

On the trains and the tubes I travel on it's the norm for people to offer their seats to smaller children, not vice versa. I'm percectly happy with that norm.

Kiffykaffycoffee · 21/02/2015 16:39

As your friend is a granny, she must be over 60 I guess? So the man shouldn't have even asked. He should have asked a younger adult. She'd already gone the extra mile by giving up one seat.

hiccupgirl · 21/02/2015 17:40

The man was BU without a doubt.

Children can't reach the rails to hold onto and I'm sure there were able bodied adults on that carriage who could have stood up if asked. Granny with 2 children was an easy target IMO.

I always reserve seats for me and my 5 yr old when I can and have paid for his ticket since he was 3 so he can have a reserved seat. If it was really packed and someone clearly needed a seat then I would put him on my knee, but otherwise I've paid for him to have a seat.

realgonekid84 · 21/02/2015 17:56

I had the opposite on a busy bus. A man got up to give me a seat as I had a small child with me. I was choked.

realgonekid84 · 21/02/2015 17:57

o and your friend wnbu.

Original poster
MythicalKings · 21/02/2015 17:59

I love a unanimous AIBU.

Thanks, everyone.

OP posts:
fluffymouse · 21/02/2015 19:29

Your friend was nbu as there was no reason given why the wife needed the seat, plus young children are more prone to falling, and it would be more appropriate to ask an adult to stand.

My personal gripe is that at term I am still forced to stand on tube trains. People look up and then look away, despite me being a size 8 with a bleeding huge bump. I have SPD and struggle to stand. The one time I addressed the people sat in the priority seats and asked if anyone could move I had an awkward wait while people didn't want to move. I take minicabs or drive whenever possible now.

SugarplumKate · 21/02/2015 19:45

I would expect my older 2 children to stand for someone who needed a seat (14 and 11), in fact I have seen my 14 year old son offer his seat, generally to older people, a number ofttimes recently without any prompting. Also, open doors for people and offer to lift heavy things for them if needed. I've always shown him that courtesy and helpfulness goes a long way. In your friends situation I would have pulled my youngest onto my lap and asked my 7 year old to sit on the floor IF a seat was required - ie elderly, disabled, pregnant etc. otherwise, as your friend did, I would get the 2 younger ones to share a seat.

SoupDragon · 21/02/2015 19:53

Do you really think it is a good idea for a child to sit on the floor of a crowded train?

bruffin · 21/02/2015 20:00

Mine did soupdragon. find themselves a cosy corner and they were fine.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2015 20:03

There's no indication the man's wife, she didn't even ask for herself, was elderly, disabled or pregnant. Just 'tired', according to him. Would not give up my child's seat for them to sit on a grotty floor, possibly where I could not keep an eye on them at that age (OP said they are 6 and 8).

bruffin · 21/02/2015 20:09

I woudnt give up a reserved seat. But on an short train/tube ride they have sat on the floor

JudgeRinderSays · 21/02/2015 20:22

children are much more likely to fall and injure themselves as the train accelerates and decelerates that adults are.

what utter rubbish!! I would certainly hope a child of 6 or 8 is much much more agile than an adult.i think children should stand for adults

We went to an attraction this week which consisted of a guided tour going from room to room.About half a dozen seats were provided in each room and I noticed every time children making a beeline for these seats and their parents never said a word, despite their being many elderly (some octogenarian if not nonagenarians), and one very overweight lady on teh tour who I am sure found standing more difficult than 5-12 year olds!!It is a shame some children are being brought up to be so thoughtless these days.It will not endear them to people!

TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 20:31

OneHandFlapping that's a completely different situation though. On a tube the person who is least able to stand should get the seat which in that case would be the old lady. If it was a choice between a tired young child who might fall and an able bodied adult the child should get the seat. It's just common sense.

If the man's wife was really having difficulty standing she could have asked any able bodied adult on the train.