To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

You bring these little people in to the world and you work all the hours under the sun to give them what they need.

Except apparently if you're a NRP when you can piss off and pay the minimum required or even nothing.

The OP's ex brought these children into the world as well. But he won't be bringing them up. And will be paying a small element of his salary to support them. But apparently it's not ok to think this is crap.

Without doubt they are absolute cunts, they have followed you on this thread arguing the toss and honestly if they weren't posting on a anonymous Internet forum they would not have the balls to be so rude to your face......hateful behaviour from women who should know better

I would have no issue whatsoever with telling a friend to her face anything that I have said here today or indeed, said yesterday.

I'm sorry - I have read the entire thread and still think YABU. I am surprised that some of the posters who have expressed this view with reasoned arguments - which, fair enough, you may not agree with - have been subject to such a pasting.

Well fedupbutfine surprise surprise you're back to argue the toss ! How about you feck off and take the advice given, you are not being supportive, now go away

Aridane people have been criticised for their nasty, snide tone. Please reference a post in which someone laid out a reasoned argument for the OP being unreasonable, or better yet provide one yourself. How is OP's work in providing childcare for their children not better compensated by her ex for example?

Then I will make a suggestion Fedup if those friends are in situations like Star and I mentally they are thinking you are a fucking twat...

I have friends who do it - 'oh you need to go out more, meet someone'

I have learnt to nod slightly and smile sweetly because I can't be bother to fucking point out that a babysitter is £20-30 an evening, I can't drink as my son can need me in the night and addes to the cost of the actual night out it easily £50 and if I spend that £50 now then it's £50 I don't have for something else.

I have also been in the can't have therapy as no babysitter club too - it had to wait until he got free funding. I wanted until he went to school to have a minor op that was needed following his birthday. You have NO idea and have displayed that beautifully through this thread.

And I've sat and explained all of that in the past and get blank looks because they have NO fucking concept of not having a safety net. You are the same as all those people I know avoid as they have zero compassion or empathy.

However, what I can see Fedup is that you are a strong, intelligent woman who has had to be very resourceful and that I admire.

The OP's ex brought these children into the world as well. But he won't be bringing them up. And will be paying a small element of his salary to support them. But apparently it's not ok to think this is crap

I don't think anyone has suggested, let alone actually said in black and white terms, that they think it's OK that a NRP gets away with paying the minimum the CSA sets towards the upbringing of children.

Aridane op is pregnant and just separated from her abusive husband 1 week ago......

Your comment is totally not taking into account the absolute pasting the op got on this thread

People need to bear in mind that when disclosing sensitive information they do so in a psychologically safe and secure environment -
Mumsnet can never guarantee that environment - because at the end of the day it is an Internet forum - you are talking to strangers. You disclose at your peril here.

Some of the posters who have been criticised on here for talking about accepting the situation , rather than ruminating may actually in RL be some of the most compassionate people, and not want OP or her DC to suffer ( I certainly wouldn't and know from similar experience that ruminating on how cruel the situation is does not help , and actually can cause more mental suffering than taking stock and acknowledging I can survive without striving for "what I'm entitled to".)

Whilst those rallying for the greater amount of financial support OP should get and offering sometimes unwise information ( eg "go to court" - do some of you know how traumatic that is in itself?) are heralded as the true sisterhood - which is a very black and white way of seeing things , and is actually quite sad as it doesn't help OP to filter information.

People claiming to be " counsellors" on here have shot other posters down for suggesting counselling - yet that strikes me as dubious and worrying at the very least.

At its most basic - counselling can be simply a space for OP to off load, in real life, in a safe and secure environment - something this thread is not.
I am not suggesting OP has it - only OP knows whether she would benefit- but posters shouting down other posters for mentioning it as an option achieves nothing.

What is diabolical on this thread is the amount of judgment all round.

Yes I think so, why shouldn't he enjoy his money... he obviously works hard to make it.

You should be matching anything he contributes.

I'm not being funny but are you saying it's not enough even though you don't even have a mortgage?

Goodness me.

People shot down the person advocating counselling ad infinitum because the OP had said several times that it wasn't feasible as she had no childcare but this wasn't a good enough reason not to have it for that poster who pushed and pushed their point if view even when asked to drop it.

I wouldn't shoot anyone down for suggesting counselling but I do feel worried when it's persistently shoved at someone who's clearly said it's not something she wants or needs at present.
And no need to put "counsellors" in inverted commas, thank you. I can link you to my professional qualifications if you doubt them.

Lemon have you read the thread. i imagine not. You should.

And I've sat and explained all of that in the past and get blank looks because they have NO fucking concept of not having a safety net. You are the same as all those people I know avoid as they have zero compassion or empathy

I understand the concept of no safety net. I pay £80 a day in emergency childcare if one of my children can't go to school. I can't claim that through CTC. I juggle my budgets and sat with a hole in the ceiling for 18 months because I couldn't afford to fix it. I once burst into tears at the strange noises coming from the washing machine because I had no idea how I would replace it if it stopped working. I have made choices between paying insurance and putting food on the table. For most things in life, there's no quick fix. Hard work, a bit of creativity, juggling, saving, and sometimes, having someone to say 'pull yourself together and let's find a solution rather than keeping on dwelling on the problem' is what you need to hear. I get it that sometimes, with the best will in the world, there is no solution because the stuff going on around simply won't fit.

Good friends are not necessarily the people who always agree with you.

Nobody was criticised for suggesting counselling
Poster were criticised for repeatedly suggesting that the op should have it in the face of her explains why she didn't want or need it.

And because they suggested she needed counselling simply because she had the temerity to disagree with them

lemoncurd20

Have you actually read the thread?

I read the first few pages... I thought it said 3 not 35... sorry!

Right, I am not having that Blessed. The poster who 'claims' to be a counsellor, is indeed a counsellor. She did not 'shoot anybody down' for suggesting counselling. I know damn well what she'd say to me - trust yourself, trust your judgement.

A lot of counselling is that you know - listen to yourself, trust yourself.

I have DONE that. I have hesitated and held back for years and now - he's gone and great. That's why the poster in question is saying I don't need counselling (unless I want it; I don't) because i trust myself and I am believing in myself. I think she may have noticed!

Court wasn't the only suggestion, by the way.

Pull yourself together?

DH ... Is that you?

Lemon, I know it can be hard reading a long thread but 'why shouldn't he enjoy his money'?

Three children is why ...

Pull yourself together?

DH ... Is that you?

Hahaha

Those who are saying op should match what he is contributing have you forgotten she is providing childcare for soon to be 3dc 24/7. I know being a sahm is undervalued on this site but this is ridiculous. She is also contributing £600 per month in rental incomd plus she really should still get tax credits. How can a pregnant woman do more?
Seriously think I need to hide this thread as it is raising my blood pressure.

Given I haven't read the thread so if this guy is a complete bastard then ignore...

I get that, but 800 is a sizeable chunk of money - he earns good money so presumably works very hard, he's entitled to enjoy it... surely?

In an ideal situation you'd all be enjoying it, obviously.

No he isn't .
Not until he has endured his children's needs are fully and generously met.

He isn't a fucking playboy -,he is their father .

if he wasn't such a bastard lemon op could be a headteacher now and earning her own money. But he forced her to stop work and he was able to merrily build up his career whilst she cared for dc.