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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not agreeing to look after my mums dog if she dies

102 replies

samsswampy · 20/02/2015 15:36

I haven't said I will not look after him but I do not want to promise I will

OP posts:

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 20/02/2015 15:38

is your mum ill? how old is she? how old is the dog?
could you say that you will ensure the dog is taken care of rather than saying you personally will bring the dog to live with you?
or get her to sign up for that rspca thing where they take your pets after you die?

SirChenjin · 20/02/2015 15:38

Is your Mum terminally ill? If so, and if the dog is very important to her, I think that it would be kind to her to promise if that's what she wants. Whether or not you do then look after him is up to you, but it would put her mind at ease and be one less thing for her to worry about at a very sad time.

MagratsHair · 20/02/2015 15:40

Yanbu, is there anyone else who would want to? Its not fair on either you or the dog if you have to keep him against your wishes.

Could you say that you would 'ensure a new home is found for him', then you have the option of rehoming him through a rescue or Dogs Trust etc?

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 15:41

YABU.

She will be worried sick about her dog.

Blue Cross offer this service for pet owners who want to ensure their pets will be taken care of if they pass. Look it up on their website. Could allay your mum's fears.

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/02/2015 15:43

If I could offer my mum comfort if she were going to die,I would offer to look after her elephant,crocodile,woolly mammoth or anything else she wanted.
Give it some real thought,op,and if you truly can't try to come up with some sensitive alternatives.

Fudgeface123 · 20/02/2015 15:44

can't you just say you will take her, even if it's not true and make sure doggy goes to a good home

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/02/2015 15:45

Can't you just well lie, in this instance?

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 15:46

Me too Bloody. How could you not?

Original poster

samsswampy · 20/02/2015 15:46

She is 80 and the dog is 1, he is hard work, and not been trained, I have 4 DCs and do not really want the responsibility of as dog as well

OP posts:

tumbletumble · 20/02/2015 15:46

YANBU. No one should be forced to take on the care of a pet against their will.

MagicAlwaysLeadsToTrouble · 20/02/2015 15:46

Say "yes of course" and worry about it if/when the time comes.

It will bring your mum comfort and, ultimately, she won't know if you actually follow through with it will she. I know that might sound a bit uncaring but it's true.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 20/02/2015 15:47

Please just lie here. This will be real and very emotional worry for her. I know of people who have requested that their pets be put down when they die because they believe the pet will be devastated and lost and confused when their owner is not around any more.

Lie and then do what you can for the dog.

MrsKoala · 20/02/2015 15:47

My parents dog died recently and they are going to get a puppy this summer. Dad is 70 this year and not in the greatest of health. If it lives to about 14 (the average age of the breed they get) then chances are i will be expected to have it if they pass away before then. I have told them repeatedly i will not be able to do this and they laugh and tell me i will and that's that

DH is allergic to dogs, but they just ignore me and say 'oh you couldn't let it be taken away, how cruel and nasty of you' . My sister wouldn't have it either and they totally accept that.

Have you discussed it realistically with our mum?

EachandEveryone · 20/02/2015 15:49

That must be very difficult for her if it isn't housetrained.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 20/02/2015 15:49

ok, so, realistically it may happen.

With the best will in the world - how will she know?

If she is elderly and worried, and you say yes mum, don't fret, I'll look after the dog
and when the time comes - you look after the dog by ensuring it goes to a good home - you have not worried your mum about her beloved pet during her final years, you have ensured the dog has a good home and you have not taken on something you can't cope with.

It's not always necessary to be totally honest. Sometimes it's ok to lie to give someone peace of mind.

GetSober · 20/02/2015 15:51

YANBU at all in not wanting to take on the dog. Neither is your mum BU by wanting to be sure he will be well looked after when she is no longer able to.

Could you be honest with her - say that you really can't take him and make clear why it would be a bad home for him to live with you (because he really won't be happy in your house, will he?), but promise to move heaven and earth to make sure he does get a good home, where he is wanted and well looked after?

If not, then I think I would lie too, if it would ease her last days. Not normally in favour of people who love each other lying to each other, but in a situation like this maybe it is the best thing to do.

And I'm sorry about your mum's illness

MagratsHair · 20/02/2015 15:52

Also OP, thinking of my own family - if you did lie to her with the best of intentions but you know in your heart you will not take the dog, would the rest of the family start with the guilt trips & accusations of lying to your mother & try to force you to take the dog as you had agreed? My family have form for being almost Sicilian in their length & ferocity of feud for far far less.

Knowing your family, is it best to be truthful/fudge at this stage or would they understand why you lied to her?

PausingFlatly · 20/02/2015 15:53

MrsK, any chance you can talk them into getting an elderly dog of the same breed that needs to be rehomed?

ajandjjmum · 20/02/2015 15:55

In these circumstances, I would lie.

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/02/2015 15:55

Could you help in any way to train the dog?
Would mum and dog go to training classes?
It would help the dog have a better chance.

PausingFlatly · 20/02/2015 15:57

Much sympathy to you, sams. Hard to see what's best now your DM's got the dog, but YANBU to not want it.

Tizwailor · 20/02/2015 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/02/2015 15:58

If your mum isn't ill,who's to say she won't outlive the dog.
She's only 80 years young.
If not,the dog will be older and calmer and your dc's older when the time comes.

I don't think I'd lie.
What'd you do if she goes into residential care if you did?

Original poster

samsswampy · 20/02/2015 15:58

I know it would be easy to lie to her but I'm not comfortable lying, that's why she wants me to promise, she knows I wouldn't go back on it! She acts young for her age you woukdnt think she was 80! I don't know why she just brought this up. When she bought the dog last year I said he could outlive her but she wanted a puppy

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 20/02/2015 15:59

No Pausing, they want a puppy and the breed they like has no rehoming type dogs. I just know the responsibility will be mine and i will be made to feel like a bastard.

I feel for you OP. It's selfish for people to get pets when they know they can't look after them. An untrained 1 yo dog for an 80 yo sounds a nightmare. What breed is it? can you offer to take it/them to training classes?

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