AIBU not agreeing to look after my mums dog if she dies

[samsswampy]

I haven't said I will not look after him but I do not want to promise I will

Please don't worry about Dog, mum. I will make sure he is okay.

FWIW, I agreed to look after my mum's retriever while she was in hospital, mum died and DSF then announced he wasn't collecting the dog and as DB was only 13 and was understandably having a hard time he would be even more upset if I rehomed the dog etc etc nothing to do with him not wanting the responsibility, oh no ... long story short, dog was miserable as both I and DP worked full time and she had been a full-time companion dog to my DM, I did my best for her but we were stuck with each other for 6 long years and IMO she had a lot to offer and should have been rehomed straight away to a loving family that actually liked lolloping great big dogs ffs

If you can be straight to your DM then you need to say the dog's best interest don't lie with you, I wish I had.

He has been toilet trained just is a nightmare to take out, won't come back when called (she has to let it off lead because he is overweight) jumps up at people and when he is on the lead he is pulling all the time

I think it's bloody selfish to buy a puppy when you are 80 years old (when there is a very real possibility the dog will outlive you) and then expect a relative to look after it.

The OP didn't choose to get a dog and shouldn't have one foisted on her by a selfish parent.

I wouldn't lie - that's really disrespectful to the mum and will lead to feelings of guilt and betrayal in the OP, which she doesn't deserve to feel just because she doesn't want to take on someone else's dog.

I would be honest and offer some of the suggestions up thread about rehoming charities.

It's always best for a pet if it lives with someone who actually wants it. My mother inherited a cat when someone died, and it probably wouldn't have been her first choice of cat, but it's an elderly cat and they get along ok... However, I think it's a different story if you really don't want a dog. And in this case it REALLY needs training, which should be your mother's job, since she decided she wanted a puppy. It's also rather worrying that the dog is already overweight if it's still young. Maybe you should ask your mother a few searching questions about whether she's looking after it properly - turn the whole thing around on her.

YANBU - I agree with FringeDivision. OP doesn't want a dog, has no capacity to look after one, and even if she did is unlikely to want a badly behaved one.

Gosh I feel for you op. Two years ago we adopted a rescue dog- it came from an elderly lady. She died and the family didn't want her so dumped her in kennels where she became very distressed and poorly. It's taken a lot of energy and training from us. The best thing for the dog is to go to someone who loves him/her but please try and make a plans our dog really suffered because the family. It's not on of your mum to blackmail you into it. I'd do my own research and say that you will take on dog when she dies and will be giving her to such and such charity. She can't make you have it and I do think you need to be honest with her. Sad situation all around really. didnt.

She really is using emotional blackmail with this. I can understand why she wants to get things in place, but if you don't want the dog, it's wrong to insist that you take it.

(I say this as someone who took in the family cats when my mum died, but they were as much my babies as hers and there was never any question that they would go anywhere else)

Please don't give in! Poor you and poor dog. You get a dog you don't want foisted on you and the dog gets a home where he is unwanted.

The dog deserves a good home. I suggest you say that you will register the dog with some of the charities mentioned above so that she can be assured that the dog will be talen care of, but that is all you are offering to do. And then she can sulk all she wants.

Jesus wept! YANBU. Tell her no, put your foot down. Her responsibility to find someone to rehome it. Don't bother lying to her.

Surely the OP's mum is going to know if she is lying?

Like others, I'd suggest that you tell her you'll make sure it gets a good home in the unlikely event the dog outlives her, if she mentions it again.

Good reason not to lie - what happens if your DM ends up in a home. I'm not sure if you are able to have dogs in old folks homes, but if you aren't and that's where she is, then you're going to come a cropper if you have lied said you were going to take the dog in and you didn't intend to.

Far better to have an honest conversation now, maybe show her some of the sites where dogs are shown for rehoming and some of the success stories.

I think your mum was very selfish to get a puppy at 80 but I would lie and say the dog will be looked after but not by me

We both work and neither of us are in to pets so I wouldn't want to inherit a dog. I don't think it would be much fun for the dog either. I'd say it would go to a home where it is wanted and make it clear I don't want a dog.
Also agree that saying "yes" and then rehousing dog elsewhere won't do your mum any harm as she won't be around to know what you've done with the dog and it may get run over tomorrow anyway.
If she starts telling everyone you are having the dog then best to clarify you aren't at the outset. if she was that worried about whod look after the dog when she died she shouldn't have got a dog, it sounds as though she can't cope with it anyway.

I don't think its selfish to get a dog at 80 if that is what a person feels gives them companionship and quality of life.
But a puppy rather than an older dog,and then to not train it,is,if you want to be assured of a happy future for them.

Yanbu. She can insist on it all she wants, but ultimately she'll have no control over the outcome.

unless she haunts you

Your DM is being totally unreasonable - stand up to her. If she wants to throw her toys out of the pram cos you won't promise to give in to her demands, let her. Don't ring her - let her make the first move. Be firm.

She could outlive the dog. My mother is almost 95 and still lives alone in her own flat (not sheltered accommodation) and has all her marbles.

YANBU. When MIL died aged 89 her dog who was 10 came to us. I have never liked him. Snappy little bugger. She was adamant she wanted a puppy when her older dog died (a 19 yr old terrier with no teeth and did nothing but sleep and eat very soft food). DH took her to choose a pup and I said it was a bad idea. She had him. 3 month later she said it was hard work. Dog Went to live with her sister who was older and she didn't want him neither. I refused as I had 3 young kids.

She died and he came to us. Hate him. Really do. He's 16 now. Once he goes no other dog is coming here. Being dumped with a dog isn't great. Don't want him then don't take him. Lie to her. Makes life easier.

The problem with lying is that she may need someone to take the dog before she dies.

For instance, my granny had a dog when she was in her 80's. She fell and broke her hip, was in hospital for several months, then was home but not really well enough to care for the dog by herself for a bit, before going into residential care.

If a relative had agreed under duress to take the dog when she died, she'd have expected them to take it when she was in hospital with the broken hip, and expected them to bring it for visits etc when she was discharged and when she was in the residential home. It wouldn't have been as simple as agreeing to look after the dog and then dropping it off with the dogs trust or whatever as soon as you got the dog.

My granny's dog was rehomed with someone (not family) who actually wanted the dog.

I think you should say yes, and then deal with it if/when the time comes.

When my mom died, we took her dog to live at a local fire station, and all the firemen took care of him. I want to go, too, but my husband wouldn't let me.

"I promise you the dog will be well looked after"

Keep repeating whenever she asks you about it. Non committal but reassuring. You'll be able to do what you like with the dog on her death anyway, she won't know

Gosh yanbu! Of course you can and should say no. If she was that worried she'd not have bought a puppy in the first place.