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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not agreeing to look after my mums dog if she dies

102 replies

samsswampy · 20/02/2015 15:36

I haven't said I will not look after him but I do not want to promise I will

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/02/2015 04:00

If you don't want to lie then you need to put your foot down with her. Then tell her that you will be happy to help her make arrangements now for 'when the time comes'. Rescue groups, rehoming services, whatever is available.

My mum has a cat that neither I nor my brother will be able to keep. He's not allowed pets where he rents and I have a very cat-UNfriendly dachshund. Mum assumes that my brother will take her cat & we just don't contradict her. Sometimes it's just better to let them believe what they want to believe.

MidniteScribbler · 21/02/2015 08:34

Did she buy from a reputable breeder? Any good breeder should have a clause in the sales contract that if for any reason the owner cannot keep the dog then it can be returned to the breeder.

Whilst I doubt that any good breeder sold a puppy to an 80 year old, it is another avenue to explore.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/02/2015 08:52

She sounds very manipulative and selfish.

Don't give in to her emotional blackmail.

Starlightbright1 · 21/02/2015 09:06

I think this idea that because someone is dying you have to give in to all requests is nonsense.

I think you have enough on your plate without added guilt.

I would be straight tell her it isn't possible but you will help her explore alternatives.

By the sounds of your posts she isn't going to take anything other than a definite no..

SomewhereIBelong · 21/02/2015 09:14

Just say no, help her arrange for the dog to be taken care of.

If she goes into hospital and you have said you will take the dog when she dies, she will expect you to have the dog when she goes into hospital - what if it is a "false alarm" and she comes home? What if she becomes infirm and needs you to take the dog whilst she recovers, what if she has to move to a home/hospice and wants you to bring the dog every day.

Don't lie - it will come back and bite you...

thatsucks · 21/02/2015 09:19

Even without hearing she was manipulative, I was going to say you really don't have to take the dog.

It's not that I don't care about the dog, but you have four kids and you just do not want the extra responsibility. In fact, sod athat even if you had no kids and didn't want to take it that would be perfectly reasonable.

Just say no, be firm, say she needs to make alternative arrangements of some sort, keep repeating.

basketofshells · 21/02/2015 09:27

Definitely say no, clearly and repeatedly. I'm just sorry that your mum's emotional blackmail is colouring things so much for you at this time.

The fact is that you are being kinder to the poor creature than your mother is. Getting a pup without firm plans for its future... letting it become overweight already... not properly training it... then trying to foist its future somewhere that it isn't wanted? Cruel on all counts, and cruel to you as well. Whereas you'd have been happy to find it a loving home. Surely love and welcome for the poor creature in the best possible place should be paramount.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 21/02/2015 09:33

I would definitely tell a white lie in this circumstance. Why upset somebody over an issue that is easy to sort out when it arises, there are always charities/people willing to adopt dogs.

SomewhereIBelong · 21/02/2015 09:37

It is not easy to sort out though - most people do not just drop dead at home.

What if there is a point before death where she cannot care for her own dog? What if she is in and out of hospital?

SomewhereIBelong · 21/02/2015 09:38

"I know I said I'd take her when you die, but I'm not going to have her for a week whilst you are in hospital for a fall"

Hmm
QuietTiger · 21/02/2015 09:49

Projecting a bit here

Be honest with your mum. DH and I have inherited an elderly Border Terrier who belonged to my DGran (DM mother) before she died. He was her constant companion and very much adored. My mother promised my gran that she would look after the dog because my gran was so worried about him.

Long story short, grans dog was dumped on DH and I with the immortal words, I don't want him, you already have 5 dogs, one more won't make any difference.

Whilst I would never see any harm come to Grans dog and he's happy and safe here, I really don't want him.

I resent the fact that my mother assumed that she could just off load him onto me because she could rely on the fact that I would feel guilty about offloading him elsewhere because he was my grans, and I REALLY resent and hate the fact my mother lied to my grandmother, which in turn makes me really resent the fact I have been dumped with the dog because the fact he's with me somehow in my mothers mind makes it OK that she lied.

Had everyone been clear and honest at the outset, maybe I wouldn't have minded so much about grans dog coming to live with us, as one more really does make no difference and I would have been prepared for it.

BUT it's the fact that my mother lied and then presented me with a fait acompli, knowing I wouldn't get rid of the dog. Made worse by the fact that he arrived when I was 38 weeks pregnant, and that my parents refused to look after him when I had an ELCS.

Yes, I am clearly projecting my own issues, but my point is that it needs to be settled at the outset, if not with your mum, at least with the wider family as to what is going to happen.

thegreylady · 21/02/2015 09:56

Promise to take the dog. That is not a promise to keep him. You can take him and immediately look to rehome him. I know it isn't within the letter of the promise but I think it will serve its purpose.
We took my mum's dog when she died even though we already had two dogs. Mum's dog had a heart attack and died after three months ??

dalekanium · 21/02/2015 10:02

Gosh, she s being. Manipulative.

I think you have to challenge her on this. When she says she wants you to have it, I think you have to say.

'I DONT want the dog. I can't look after it. How on earth is it in the best interests of the dog for it to go to someone who doesn't want it? Surely you want it going to someon who actually wants a dog?

Fuckup · 21/02/2015 10:09

yanbu. Dog is a huge responsibility it's not fair of her to ask that of you, and it's not fair on the dog to be dumped on someone who doesn't have time for it. You shouldn't gave to lie op, but I can see why its tricky. However,if she's not in bad health mentally or physically she can cope with being told no. Tell her you'll look after the dog in the sense that he will have a good home and won't be put down,but that that home won't be with you!

mrssmith79 · 21/02/2015 10:10

She's 80, yes? Still getting out and about? Managing to care for a year old pup? It's sounding like you've got her written off for imminent departure, no offence intended.
I know two eighty year olds who still work part time, a 96 year old who could beat me to the front gate on a good day.
Stop making a massive issue of it, make up with your mum and worry about it when (not to mention if) the time comes.

2rebecca · 21/02/2015 10:11

I would remain strong. If she wants to put her dog above her daughter and grandchildren that is up to her. I would make it clear that you don't want a dog and it would be better for the dog to be with people who want it. If she chooses to spend time with her dog rather than you that's her choice, leave her to it.
I'd get quite angry if someone tried to blackmail me like that and would happily not see them for the weekend.

2rebecca · 21/02/2015 10:14

The only way to "make up" with her mum is to do EXACTLY what her mum wants and promise to look after a dog in the future. That is not the way adults behave with each other. I would never say to my kids "I will only love you and spend time with you if you do x". That is selfish and nasty.

Mrsjayy · 21/02/2015 10:22

Tell her that the dog would be to much for you and you won't promise to take it but look into schemes that take dogs after you die dogs trust do 1.

ragged · 21/02/2015 10:33

No way are you obliged to take the dog.
Ca you say "I promise that I will find the dog a good home." And hold that line.
Sorry she's got anxiety about this, probably a slope towards more.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/02/2015 11:56

Everyone pointing out that it is more likely that she will go into a home/spend time in hospital than she will drop down dead is perfectly correct. If you lie (which you don't wnat to and say you're rubbish at anyway) you will most likely be faced with her in a hospital/home and you expected to take the dog, and be unable to rehome it because she's still alive and watching you!

Do not lie.
Tell her no.

If she wants to fall out with you and not come on days out - seriously, isn't that a bonus?

honeyroar · 22/02/2015 12:30

It really bugs me when elderly people buy young dogs without having a back up plan for its future should something happen to them. I would have my parents animals without a thought, I'd hate to think of them elsewhere, but it's fair enough people don't feel the same.

Get in touch with The Cinamon Trust now, find out what is available. Join The Dogs Trust now (only about £20 and gives the dog third party insurance now and they will register the dog on their 'we will look after it if something happens to the owner' type scheme).

How about taking the dog to a training class one night a week? You may find you bond with it and if not it gives the poor dog a better chance of a good home.

Whatever you do, don't ever just put it on Preloved/Gumtree. Give it a good chance and find a good rescue to take it.

Oldraver · 22/02/2015 12:34

Just tell her you will make sure it will be looked after when she dies, just not by you

There is a charity that will help people like this, point her the way.

Why isnt the dog trained ? she shouldn't really have a dog and not train it, its not fair. I have known lots of people like this ie MIL and her forever crapping up the skirting board little shitty dog. The smell of Fruits of The Forest freshener spray does not mask the smell of crap.

Tell your Mum no one will want an untrained dog

rookiemere · 22/02/2015 13:02

Yes a dog is a big responsibility. We went through the pros and cons of getting one and decided not to. I'd be mad if someone, through their own thoughtlessness, made that decision for us.

Cinamon Trust sounds like a great idea - fwiw if we do ever get a dog, I'll be campaigning for a preloved one rather than a puppy.

Moniker1 · 22/02/2015 13:09

I very happily rehomed a 10 year old slightly arthritic collie cross - there are lovely people out there who will love your dog.

Shelby2010 · 22/02/2015 13:23

If the dog is only one year old, badly trained & already overweight then it doesn't sound like you DM is the best home anyway. Tell her that you will not be taking the dog but will make sure it is found a good home. When she objects, suggest that she re-homes it herself now, while it is young enough to be re-trained & she can be sure that the new home is suitable. Perhaps she can find someone who will let her visit it or take it out occasionally. Then get her a budgie or something that you would be happy to take on in the future.

I would have a lot of sympathy for your DM if it was an elderly pet that she had had a long time, but to get a puppy at her age is selfish.