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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my kids are spoilt horrors

114 replies

flower68 · 20/02/2015 15:00

It's not been a great half term tbh. Well intentioned trip to Bankside resulted in major public tantrum about posing for a pic by DD (10) who scooted off into the crowds with the 4 year old in hot pursuit. I nearly lost both of them and we made quite a spectacle as I frogmarched her across the wobbly bridge for a time out on a bench. Then today my 8 and a half year old DS switched my phone off before hiding it in his dad's shoe in protest at being made to go to a talk about the Wimpy Kid at the Southbank festival. He was out with his dad at the talk and I spent 3 hours trying to find it going slowly beserk. DS did not own up despite being questioned loads - i found the phone on my own. I just don't know where I am going wrong - just wonder if I am trying to hard? They are both off computers /tablets and DS is not going to a party that's coming up. Wish I'd stayed at work this week and put them into a play scheme instead.

OP posts:

26Point2Miles · 20/02/2015 15:15

Wow sounds horrific

Does time out still work on ten year olds?

Original poster

flower68 · 20/02/2015 15:18

No not really but I couldn't think what else to do! Have not had to discipline a 10 year old in public before!

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 20/02/2015 15:20

Did your dd want to pose for a photo? I was, and still am, very self conscious about having my photo taken.

Did your ds get any say in whether he wanted to do this talk?

I'd start listening to your kids.

Mrsbird311 · 20/02/2015 15:21

Yep, next half term don't organise anything remotely fun, let them wallow in their bordom and chuck them in holiday club whilst you swan off for coffee, gym, hairdressers, as I remind my kids on a regular basis in not an entertainment manager, therefore when I do take them somewhere they want to go they are generally well behaved, if however they play up for even a millisecond I take them straight home.however I am pretty militant !!

Silvercatowner · 20/02/2015 15:22

I'd have a tantrum if I was made to pose for a photo.

Silvercatowner · 20/02/2015 15:24

Doesn't particularly sound like a fun day out though, being made to pose for a photo, being made to attend a talk. I'd consider being more child centred - let them decide what they want to do.

Pootles2010 · 20/02/2015 15:26

I'd consider myself pretty strict, but i wouldn't make a 10 year old pose. They're starting to get so self-conscious at that age!

Maybe have a chat with her, apologize for making her, but then explain why her actions were so dangerous?

I'd say they're not that spoilt if you're not regularly having to discipline DD in public.

kitchentableagain · 20/02/2015 15:27

How much input did they have into the planned activities?

The photo issue isn't a biggie to me - fine, stand to the side and we can look back in ten years and remember what a spoilt wee princess she wanted to be that day. But running off is completely unacceptable and you ANBU to punish for that.

The shoe/phone thing sounds rubbish. I'd say to ds that I'm taking his tablet and when he finds it he can have it back. Then put it in the car/attic/charity shop. Joking, bit only sort of.

ghostyslovesheep · 20/02/2015 15:28

he hiding of the phone should be punished by the loss of the tablet - the birthday party seems OTT

I'd have grabbed the 4 year old and left the 10 year old to it - let them learn that getting lost isn't much fun

then carried on with the day

you are maybe picking the wrong battles to have with them - and not letting the 10 year old learn a valuable lesson

Mrsbird311 · 20/02/2015 15:30

Generally eight year old kids don't get a say as to what they are going to do, they should do as their parents tell them, hiding and switching off telephone was outrageous behaviour and I wouldn't stand for it for a minute, I would leave them their electronics but remove their chargers so they can slowly panic whilst watching their tablets die!!! Don't give them back for a month, maybe after this they might start treating you with some respect, I don't know at which point kids started to rule the family but I won't stand for it,

Tinkerball · 20/02/2015 15:30

What did your kids think of the trips when they were discussed beforehand?

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 15:33

It sounds like us at a similar age to be honest and therefore I'm going to stick my neck out and say you're NOT going wrong I am sure :) xx

bloodyteenagers · 20/02/2015 15:33

Don't want a pic? Fine
Don't want to go and listen to a boring talk? Fine
I would ask them why and listen to them. But generally I don't force
Pictures and dull talks.

ChipDip · 20/02/2015 15:33

What your son did was truly awful and naughty.

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 15:36

But understand why he did it: to was to try and sneakily gain some control in a world where (he feels) he has none.

I hid my mums glasses. I'm not proud of it but it was trying to get "one up" on her as she wouldn't ever listen to me or try to see where I was coming from, so I resorted to petty, naughty acts of revenge which is worrying, but not necessarily in the way people think.

I'm sure the OP is a lovely mum but the situations described in the first post are classic us against them - do as you are told, punish, condemn, blame.

Which works to a point but can be damaging as well.

tumbletumble · 20/02/2015 15:38

Have to agree you overreacted about the photo. Why should she be forced to pose for a photo if she doesn't want to?

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 15:41

perhaps OP you are on edge because of the dangers you perceive to be around you and the children, and have been for a long time.
perhaps your dd felt embarrassed at posing for a photo, perhaps your ds really did not want to go to a talk, but it does not sound as though they were consulted.

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 15:49

Flower actually thinking about this further, I wonder if you've got a little trapped in the mentality that "doing" things means they should be grateful and appreciative automatically. I think that's easy to do as an adult, knowing the cost of things - not just financial - but children just DON'T see it like that.

I do firmly believe children need 'down time' from school and activities as well and can get over stimulated by constant things to do.

I also think (know) that being told you have to do something can make that very thing seem arduous and the person resentful of having to do it. I don't see the thing with the phone as bad as other posters have and personally I think further punishment at this stage would be likely to be counter productive.

Obviously, you can't have children running away from you but again, why? It does sound from your description like your DD didn't want to pose for a photograph and ran for that reason.

I suppose what I'm saying is, by using commandments - you will do this, you will go there - you leave little room for flexibility (I mean you generally, not specifically.) I think a bit of relaxation is the way forward here - it really is like the old adage of holding a bird in your hand. Sometimes when you cling too tightly you either crush them altogether or - more likely - they desperately try to fight against you.

SamanthaandSamaris · 20/02/2015 15:49

Wow, this has been an eye-opener!

I don't think any of those things are that bad, not things I would punish for, just a lecture about how I was annoyed/disappointed.

I would view the phone thing as just a silly, thoughless joke. I wouldn't punish for that, I'd just give a stern talking-to about wasting my time looking for it.

And I wouldn't put a 10 year old in time out either, and if they stropped off into a crowd. I'd just give another stern talking-to about it being dangerous and thoughtless because of the 4 year old following them. (admittedly I don't have a 10 year old, just a 4 and 7 year old.)

If someone doesn't want to pose for a photo, or go to a talk, fine by me. If the child was against the talk from when it was first suggested, I wouldn't make them go. Bit different if they had been looking forward to it but then changed their mind on the day, I would be a bit more intolerant of that.

I actually didn't realise I was such a softie. But I wouldn't make such a song and dance about something that was probably just impulsive and thoughtless. Everyone does something a bit daft sometimes.

If my DC seem genuinely remorseful afterwards (and they usually do) then that's the end of it for me.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 15:51

Regardless of whether or not they wanted to do the activities, it doesn't excuse running off in a public place, or switching off someone's phone and putting it where they can't find it.

We often had to go to places we found boring when we were kids, or dragged out for walks we didn't want to go on. And yes, we probably sulked and moaned a bit, but if we'd behaved like that we'd have been in trouble - just as the OP's children were.

YANBU to have handled it the way you did.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 15:52

I dont know about how wise it is to 'frogmarch' ten year olds and 'make a spectacle' of it if you do not want attention from the authorities.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 15:54

I think the authorities have better things to do Sunny.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 15:55

well you would hope so but never underestimate the power of just one person phoning the police

Mrsbird311 · 20/02/2015 15:55

Blimey I'm beginning to think it's just me, we were hardly taken anywhere when we were kids and had to entertain ourselves, going to a cafe was as about as exciting as it got, this mum has arranged some nice activities for half term and her kids are ungrateful and naughty, they are ten not fifteen, they don't get a say, this is why we have people growing into adults who are selfish, ungrateful and entitalled, of course if one of my boys want to go to a particular event I would try and facilitate it but I wouldn't be having any running off or hiding of my stuff, you are doing the right thing OP

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 15:56

Even if they did Sunny, I doubt the police would be interested.

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