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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my kids are spoilt horrors

114 replies

flower68 · 20/02/2015 15:00

It's not been a great half term tbh. Well intentioned trip to Bankside resulted in major public tantrum about posing for a pic by DD (10) who scooted off into the crowds with the 4 year old in hot pursuit. I nearly lost both of them and we made quite a spectacle as I frogmarched her across the wobbly bridge for a time out on a bench. Then today my 8 and a half year old DS switched my phone off before hiding it in his dad's shoe in protest at being made to go to a talk about the Wimpy Kid at the Southbank festival. He was out with his dad at the talk and I spent 3 hours trying to find it going slowly beserk. DS did not own up despite being questioned loads - i found the phone on my own. I just don't know where I am going wrong - just wonder if I am trying to hard? They are both off computers /tablets and DS is not going to a party that's coming up. Wish I'd stayed at work this week and put them into a play scheme instead.

OP posts:

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/02/2015 16:28

'I totally understand the concept of asking dc what they'd like to do'

Well why did you respond to the suggestion that children should be asked what they want to do like this;

'HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa.

There's 3 children, are you supposed to get all to agree before going anywhere? You'd end up staying at home all week.'

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 16:31

Bakeoff - no, not quite.

The DD didn't want to have her photo taken. Even if we assume that flower said "oh dd, stand here love, I'll take your picture!" and she ran off straight away, that does indicate she doesn't feel any protests or objections would be listened to - that she had to remove herself from the situation.

I think that is better handled by pointing out she's a role model for her younger sibling, reminding her it's dangerous, childish etc. I don't think time out helps there at all. If I had a contrite and apologetic child I'd say no more about it: if I had a bratty rude one I'd confiscate their phone and tell them off for rudeness to me.

The DS hiding the phone - I would, as someone said up thread, explain why that phone was important to me. I'd acknowledge silly pranks can seem funny; they can, when you're 33 8 but how unpleasant it can be on the receiving end of them. Again, if I had a shamefaced apology I probably wouldn't say any more - I'd certainly give a stern telling off to sulkiness or refusal to accept it was serious.

But, I think as I said above there's an underlying message with this behaviour and I'm saying that as the OP could be describing me at that age. My parents loved us but gosh it was 'my way or the high way.' They would micromanage our school holidays (both teachers) and lots of walks would be arranged. They meant well but my brother and I mostly remembered driving for somewhere for 2 hours in the car, feeling sick, walking, which we found dull as we did so much of it, and then another 2 hours back! But if we protested we would get similar lectures - should be grateful, Vicky/Jenny/Mandy aren't going anywhere, are they ... we'd desperately want to be Vicky or Jenny or Mandy chilling out at home!

In our teens, the relationship my brother and I had with our parents really deteriorated because of this and it never recovered itself.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 16:32

I agree with bakeoff. Finding activities that all three children are going to agree on and enjoy would be very difficult. So regardless of how much you consult with your kids sometimes it's going to be "tough. This is what we're doing and you'll just have to come along and behave".

In the same way that as adults you sometimes just have to grin and bear it in order to facilitate other people. Children need to learn this.

minionmadess · 20/02/2015 16:33

I wonder how many children would be so ungrateful for a day out if they never had them... my guess would be... very.

I can honestly say my two have never complained with the venue of any day out... this week we've done a theme park, cinema trip, bowling and had two days at sports camp. We've also done a couple of long walks by the river. We've also managed some homework too whilst pottering around at home. They've just been happy with wherever or whatever we were doing (including the homework) They are only 6 though, but generally are very grateful children and can often be heard saying "that was the best thing ever"!

minionmadess · 20/02/2015 16:36

I wonder how many children would be so ungrateful for a day out if they never had them... my guess would be... very

very should be not many

YouTheCat · 20/02/2015 16:37

But the dd's behaviour wasn't about the day out, it was about having her photo taken against her will. She might well have been having a lovely time until that point.

The ds's outing sounds like it was just for him and that he didn't want to go.

What I want to know is how much say do they get? Did the ds want to go and then changed his mind or was he not keen to start with?

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 16:40

Or maybe his dad arranged it as a nice treat and the son threw a strop and hid his mum's phone, instead of appreciating the nice intent and going along with it.
Yes, he's only 8, but how is he going to learn to act as above if he isn't taught? Which is what OP was doing.

Toomuchtea · 20/02/2015 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/02/2015 16:42

'sometimes it's going to be "tough. This is what we're doing and you'll just have to come along and behave".'

Sure, but that's easier to take if you've had a say in the overall plan for the holiday/half term/day etc.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 16:43

But how do you know they didn't outraged? Or are you saying that every single activity organised during half term has to be done with the full consultation and agreement of all the children?

Hathall · 20/02/2015 16:44

I'm quite a strict parent but I think children deserve a say on what they want to do on their half term break. I have 3 too and we ve managed to do stuff that everyone is happy with.

I also wouldn't give such harsh punishments such as missing out on
a party.

Do you have fun with your kids? It sounds like things are a bit tense generally in your house.

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 16:47

I fully expect my children to do things at times they don't want to do but on the other hand, if my son (also 8) specifically said he didn't want to do something and I 'made' him - then well, don't be surprised when you've got a resentful irritable kid!

Mrsbird311 · 20/02/2015 16:47

It's beside the point wether the kids had a day or not in their day out, they misbehaved , putting other family members in danger and they disrespected their mothers belongings, both need a punishment that is severe enough that it hits home that the behaviour is unacceptable I think the OP removal of electronics and cancellation of party is fair enough

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 16:49

Being 'resentful and irritable' is one thing Stardust. All kids are going to feel like that at times.
But playing a spiteful trick because you're annoyed is a different thing altogether and that's the issue here.

The DS wasn't in the wrong to not particularly want to go to the talk, but he was in the wrong to act the way he did.

sosix · 20/02/2015 16:50

Massive sympathy..... My are driving me potty. Role on monday.

LapsedTwentysomething · 20/02/2015 16:50

To me it simply sounds as if your idea of fun isn't your DCs'. Is their naughtiness a regular thing? If it's pure in response to these activities I would be looking at more informal half term activities like lots of swimming, having friends over and just relaxing.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/02/2015 16:51

'But how do you know they didn't outraged?'

I don't. That's why I asked the OP in my first post.

Everything else has been in response to other posters. It's a discussion. You are allowed to veer away from the OP and talk to other posters on the thread AFAIK.

minionmadess · 20/02/2015 16:51

My two didn't really get a say in what we did this week, they just went along with plans because they are just grateful to be going somewhere. Even at 6 they understand that they are fortunate to have nice things/days out and that there are lots of dc who don't.

I think it's a good idea to teach children to be thankful for an act of kindness (day out from parents), even if it's not entirely what they may have chosen.

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 16:52

I agree behind but there was a reason for that behaviour and I think the DS needs to understand why his behaviour was out of order and the OP also needs to acknowledge the same.

Otherwise you get stuck in a pattern of punishments and one-up-man-ship and it's unpleasant and unhappy for both parties.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 20/02/2015 16:53

We were often taken for walks, drives or to 'places of interest' as kids that we found really boring.
But when I look back now I remember with gratitude that my parents, with not a lot of money, did their best to take us out and about, and educate us a bit and spend some time with us. I don't think kids are going to grow up traumatised because sometimes their parents dragged them along to things they weren't particularly interested in doing.

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 16:53

Minion, my DS, at 6, would happily have trotted along wherever I wanted him to go. Two years later and he's far less likely to bound along, Labrador puppy style, with whatever I want!

pinkrocker · 20/02/2015 16:54

I think you've done the right thing OP. I'd certainly frogmarch someone back after running away.
(she says after a day when I've tried to let the DC's have some me-time, they've watched TV in their PJ's, we've played with toys, done loom bands, we've all messed with electronic games etc, been to the park...and the minute I need to go into town to visit the bank, the chemist, try to hire a video we can all watch tonight after tea, they fought all the time.)
I wish I had someone to share this with!

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 16:55

They won't be traumatised by not being interested in the thing.

They may just be a little bit damaged from the drip drip effect of years of people treating them like they, their thoughts, views and preferences, don't matter.

If that is the case: I'm sure it isn't :)

FringeDivision · 20/02/2015 16:55

Part of parenting is deciding to take kids to stuff they moan about, but enjoy when they actually do it. Parents generally have a pretty good idea about what activities their kids will get value from. Pmsl at the idea that kids get to decide what they do and if you don't give them free reign then it's your fault if they behave like brats!

I'd have punished mine if they ran away from me in a crowded place or hid my property. Your kids need reminding who is the parent.

I would take away the tablet/laptop from my dc if they did either of those things. And next school holiday I would br inclined to let them get bored at home and they might leatn some appreciation for your efforts!

DialsMavis · 20/02/2015 16:57

Re running off; I'd give a telling off and make them hold my hands if they couldn't act responsibly

The talk: I'd probably make DS go if I was sure he would enjoy it. But I wouldn't make him go to prove a point or win, that would be pointless

The phone: I'd hide something of his where he couldn't find it (effectively confiscating)...but I am childish

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