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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/02/2015 15:39

If the truth rubs them the wrong way they aren't really friends. When you decide to have a wedding abroad and expect the guests to pay for it on top of that you have to expect some people won't come.

Bluepants · 20/02/2015 15:59

They should have booked a villa for them and their family and invited the OP's DP and the OP and given them a list of nearby accommodation.

Probably not done deliberately but a bit off IMO.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 16:09

Well your do does not have to go if he doesent want to. Tricky, they said they were limited with numbers and only having 20 people.

gamora · 20/02/2015 17:39

I think they wouldn't have been unreasonable if it wasn't for the travel/villa part - my best friend had a wedding like this and DP wasn't invited, and he was actually a good friend of hers independently and knew her 10 years! And I had to travel (though not far, and it was because they lived abroad so a one-hour ryanair flight).

However at 20 people, in our friends case, that was their immediate families (parents, siblings, siblings partners - allowed, I think, given they're family too) two friends from school/home each, two friends from college/now each - they each had four friends, none of whom brought their partners. It is properly tiny, and was lovely, and we all knew each other at the end of the day. They didn't want a 'wedding' they wanted somethign very simple: all the people closest to them, vows in the registry office, lovely pup lunch after. And while it would have been nice having DP there for me, if the numbers had doubled it wouldn't have been the same. So I get what they're going for.

BUT. That wedding was just a day, and for most people, didn't involve significant travel and was where the bride and groom lived. No requirements to stay over - I flew in on the morning and back the next morning, and slept in their spare room! Lovely. So YANBU in this instance, as really that much time and money is a bit much.

TheRealMaryMillington · 20/02/2015 18:11

The B&G will only be deemed truly unreasonable in my book if they take a massive huff if OP's DP declines.

It's all well and good saying they can do what they like on their wedding day, but truth is they can't because they are issuing invitations that people basically have choice but to turn down.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/02/2015 18:32

Tbh I dnt think it takes a strop to make this unrasonable.
I can see that a "plus one" is not neccessary in many cases. I dont think it's neccessary to furnish all your guests with a dance/ drinking/ shag partner.
But inviting a guest and not their "partner", especially to an overseas wedding is, imo, very rude.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 18:42

There are ways to do a small wedding, this isn't it...

I agree Mary, you can do what you like on your wedding day, but your guests have to go along with it in order that you get your way. That won't be happening in this case.

Presumably groom wants DP there. They've been friends since pre-school, grew up together and remain close. It's a shame he won't be, but that is their doing.

OP posts:
oobedobe · 20/02/2015 19:27

YANBU - I think it is very rude to expect friends to spend a whole week on holiday in a beautiful romantic setting without their own wife/partner there to enjoy it with! It is bizarre, why not book a villa for them and their families and then just invite couples who can then decided if they want to come and book their own accommodation (and maybe not go for a whole week).

It is like they want it to to be a hen/stag week too hanging out with their best mates and acting like they are all single.

Also how awkward when you meet up for dinner after the wedding and they are reminicing about their fabulous week and you are sat there like a lemon!

Morelikeguidelines · 20/02/2015 19:48

I think the problem here is asking one partner to spend a substantial amount of joint money on a holiday without the other. But as he is just going to say no, that should be the end of it and all fine.

It is only if they are not fine with his answer that they are being U.

He is not U to say no to them.

You are not U to secretly feel this is a bit off, but I wouldn't let it get to you.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 20:54

oobedobe it would pretty much put paid to any future dinner dates if DP happened to go (as if) and then as you say, for me to sit there like a mug. Er, no thanks :)

Tbh I think it will be really weird from now. I wonder if they mention it to me if/when we meet up. #awkward

OP posts:
BifsWif · 20/02/2015 21:01

I can understand why they've done it, but I would never invite just one half of a couple that live together. Either both get invited or neither do. YANBU.

KoalaDownUnder · 20/02/2015 22:57

YANBU. At all.

It is downright rude on so many levels, and I am shocked that people think otherwise.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 23:05

I think those who think it's fine maybe need to reflect on how they treated their wedding guests ;)

OP posts:
desertmum · 21/02/2015 03:58

yarp that is how I would see it too - it's rude

Momagain1 · 21/02/2015 04:20

I do think you have to be ruthless when it comes to weddings and limited budgets. They will have a set budget. It's difficult.

Yes, they have a set budget of however much their 20 guests can afford. They dont have a limited budget, they have NO budget, beyond their own room and transport, their honeymoon costs, basically. And they might be dividing their own room cost between the guests!

Sure, they must be laying out a bit on the ceremony, and ay least one meal and drinks on the day. Whose paying for food and drinks the rest of the week? How often do you think they hope someone will treat them to their drinks at least?

What else is everyone expected to do all week? Lay around the house as if this was their preferred choice of holiday? Join in on tours and daytrips? Again, who is paying for this.

They can do what they want. But i am awfully glad your partner knew without thinking he didnt want to go off on holiday without you. i have the feeling he would have ended up far out more of pocket for their dream wedding than any guest should be.

Budget minded is taking the funds they have and spending it frugally here on a single day event for however many they can squeeze in. Expecting your guests to fund your overseas dream is ruthless indeed.

Flambola · 21/02/2015 04:55

jesus Christ some of you aren't half overreacting.

My DH was invited to a wedding, no +1. Couldn't have given less of a shit. And if it had been abroad, and he didn't want to go or we couldn't afford it, then the invitation would have been declined and no more thought about it other than to pass on best wishes and congrats.

YABU.

JessieMcJessie · 21/02/2015 06:18

There's a lot of focus here on the groom wanting your DP to be there, since they are such good friends. But how does your DP feel about the groom? If I am invited to a wedding my motivation for going is mostly that I care a lot about one or both of the couple and want to be there to experience the wedding. I then balance that emotional pull with logistical factors (cost, annual leave etc). The sense I get from your posts is that your DP is so annoyed at your being excluded that it has cancelled out the emotional pull anyway.

I am intrigued about what is limiting numbers though- is it the post-ceremony meal or the villa? if it's the former then surely adding one more person can't break the bank and don't believe they really can't squeeze in one more place setting? I can't imagine Italians are fussy an out numbers on that level. Inviting you doesn't open floodgates for other friends who missed out to complain as it's clear your invitation is connected to DP's.

if it's the villa then were they expecting your DP to share a room with the other bloke whose gf isn't invited?

I reckon that, knowing you are TTC they are assuming you'll have a baby by summer 2016 and that you'd not want to travel.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 07:08

Jessie DP really likes the groom. He is a close friend. But you're right, not inviting me has cancelled the emotional pull definitely.

The numbers are limited because of the villa I am presuming. I'm not sure whether the cost of post-ceremony drinks/food factor. But it is their only cost really so I can't imagine... It was suggested that DP share a room with the other solo male who is also a friend of DP's.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 21/02/2015 07:37

I went to a wedding abroad once. I paid for my own flight, and that was it. The numbers were limited because it was staying in a house away from the bride & groom's home, but the people who came were people the B&G wanted there. I didn't have a plus one at the time, so that wasn't an issue - but IF they'd expected me to share the cost of the rented HOUSE, I wouldn't have gone. It was a long weekend there, and apart from the wedding meal we shared costs for meals; but paying for the HOUSE RENTAL would have been many several steps too far.

I don't blame your DF for not wanting to go, tbh - nor for being disappointed that you weren't included, that's rude, given your own engaged status.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 07:48

Maybe DP and I should bring our wedding plans forward to avoid me being excluded from anymore :) It seems it's less socially acceptable to exclude a spouse as opposed to fiancée.

OP posts:
thatsucks · 21/02/2015 08:05

Whereyouleftit Answering your post of about 24 hours ago! My cousin got married abroad. I was the only member of family who declined - my actual reason was I didn't want to spend a week with a majority of the guests but I said it was money! She offered to pay, I still said no I didn't want her to do that. I felt under pressure but I knew I would kick myself if I gave in. I was strong minded about it at the time and afterwards.

What is my long and rambling point I hear you mutter darkly? That I didn't let it change my relationship with my cousin, and because I was normal afterwards, so was she and we are still close.

Doesn't have to be a drama rama with simmering resentment forevermore if you see it very simply as deciding not to go to an event.

thatsucks · 21/02/2015 08:09

patience I said upthread I had a big wedding, invited everyone and their dogs, it was in UK near friends and family so very very different to the B&G's wedding here.

Yet I still don't think they're being rude so don't assume those of us who don't see it as a big deal had similar weddings.

Do you always throw passive aggressive insults at people who simply disagree with you?

Loveloveloveher · 21/02/2015 08:13

OP YANBU.

DH and I would actually miss each other if one of us went away for a week. We must be weirdos Confused.

A good wedding shows some consideration for the guests.

stiffstink · 21/02/2015 08:20

I'm intrigued by a villa that seems to have enough single rooms to accommodate all of these lone travellers!

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 08:27

There are only four lone travellers stiff and I think they'll be doubling up.

thatsucks I was mainly kidding. And I've had loads of digs thrown at me i.e. 'stop trying to make it about you' and 'get a grip' etc etc so I'm entitled to retort.

OP posts: