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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
thatsucks · 21/02/2015 08:28

patience fair enough. I haven't insulted you (now I'm making it all about me Wink) and I do get your point of view - I just don't agree with it!

TrollsTrollsEverywhere · 21/02/2015 08:44

I wouldn't do it myself but I think it's ok to only invite half of a couple even if it's an overseas wedding. It really is only an invitation. Some guests might not mind. They haven't tricked your DH or coerced him into doing something he doesn't want to. They have simply asked him if he wants to go to their wedding. He can accept or decline.

If I were in your situation I might feel dissapointed but I wouldn't feel aggrieved.

If I wasn't invited in a mean way then I might feel pissed off. Ie if everyone in a big friend group was invited except for me then that's a different matter.

carabos · 21/02/2015 08:50

In my world, the only possible reason for not inviting half of a couple to a wedding (other than work colleague's evening do) is that you can't stand the sight of them. Even then, you'd either suck it up and invite them or not invite either of them.

DS1 was best man recently at a wedding where all the friend group couldn't bear the longstanding GF of one of their crowd. The debate went on for months about how nobody wanted her there, they knew how she would behave, but there was nothing else for it, she had to be asked because they all love their mate even if he has this awful girl in his blindspot.

Of course your DP can't go and his friend should understand why without your DP having to explain. " Thanks , but no thanks " will suffice.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 08:56

I don't think it's that carabos, I'm fairly inoffensive :o

OP posts:
LapsedTwentysomething · 21/02/2015 08:56

why not book a villa for them and their families and then just invite couples who can then decided if they want to come and book their own accommodation

Because then the wedding guests aren't subbing the villa and they presumably can't afford this intimate wedding abroad under their own steam.

YANBU OP. Regardless of how pragmatic the guest list, it doesn't have to be this wedding, this way. They could get married locally and have a modest reception if they value their relationships with their friends above their notion of the luxury wedding they 'deserve'.

BlinkAndMiss · 21/02/2015 09:09

For me, it wouldn't be the actual wedding that was the issue, it would be the message they were giving me about how they viewed me. They like your DH but are not interested in developing a friendship with you, despite the fact that you're all planning on sticking around. I'd just find it awkward and I'd feel like they didn't like me, making future events and meet ups difficult.

I don't think YABU at all; I'd understand an evening invitation if it was in this country, or even some suggestion about how you could join them. This is a while week away which involves annual leave and a cost, it would have been nice for them to respect you as a couple and recognise that a week is a holiday which they are effectively asking you to spend apart.

Of course couples don't have to be invited everywhere together, but I'd have thought this is more acceptable with acquaintances rather than when a long standing friendship is involved. Surely, if you expect your best friend from school to come and celebrate your relationship, you'd show some interest in getting to know their partner/spouse too?

It's rude, particularly because of the effort your DH is expected to go to for them. It would have been nice of them to be a bit more open wih you about your lack of invite and to look for a way around it. I'd not be bothering with them in the future.

Oh, and tcc shouldn't be a factor at all - anything can happen and excluding someone because they could possibly have a baby at that point is stupid. Parents have to work around childcare all the time, it's not different when making plans with a hypothetical baby. Good luck with tcc.

mameulah · 21/02/2015 09:15

Yanbu. There is no way I'd go to a wedding without my DH, especially if he hadn't been invited. I'm sure they don't mean it but it is very thoughtless. Bad enough if it was down the road but a whole week in a different country.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 21/02/2015 09:20

Yanbu.

Overseas weddings means guests using holiday time up, and family finances. The only way this isn't insanely selfish is if the B+G allow families rather than individuals attend.

Icimoi · 21/02/2015 09:31

I think the villa holiday bit sounds grim. It's OK if it's something that is planned with a group of friends who know each other and have all decided together on the destination, living arrangements etc. But on this arrangement there will be a bunch of people thrown together, most of whom don't know each other, involving different generations, some without the partners they would like to be with, and "single" (but not really) people having to share a room with someone else whether they like it or not. They're in a destination they haven't chosen, living in a villa they haven't chosen.

Why on earth would you want to use your limited annual holiday and spend rather a lot of money to go through that?

MissDuke · 21/02/2015 09:34

YANBU!! The B&G have no right to be offended when your oh declines the invite - expecting someone to take a whole week of their life and all of that expense (plus stag weekend no doubt) is so so unreasonable!!!

We couldn't go to my brother's wedding abroad as I was 8 months pregnant - I felt awful about it, but this is the risk you take when getting married abroad.

Brandnewattitude · 21/02/2015 09:40

Who on earth would want to pay money to spend a whole week with a loved up couple and their family in another country probably in the middle of nowhere while their partner was at home?

Charley50 · 21/02/2015 09:53

Patience will you maybe keep us updated e.g. Whether they act offended when your DF declines or if they realise they are being dicks etc? The politics of weddings are so fascinating. And as I said upthread you are totally NBU and I agree that it's probably gonna put a strain on your future friendship with them which is disappointing. Maybe it won't though as they are just being thoughtless I think, nothing more sinister.

Tutt · 21/02/2015 09:56

I had partners at my wedding, in fact one lady I'd never met but wanted my guests to be comfortable and happy ( small wedding).
OP from what I have read it appears the couple are expecting the guests to pay for the villa, are they paying their share or it the guests paying it for them
Which ever way this is exactly how to alienate friends as it is disrespectful, a weeks holiday, a weeks leave and the whole cost of it whilst excluding a loved one is mean spirited.

heartisaspade · 21/02/2015 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Foodforthesoul · 21/02/2015 10:29

patience I like you. You seem a sensible sort. There's been no drama from you, you're just a bit put out and I get that.

You can come to my wedding Grin

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 10:30

I think on balance, most responders think they are bu.

I think they plan to share cost of villa equally so they will pay their share too.

heart that is how it appears but strangely, they've only been together a few months longer than us - and also DP hadn't had a serious gf before me, so it's not like I'm one in a long line. Also, the fact that we're engaged and bought a house should indicate I'm not likely to be transient :)

Charley I can certainly post an update once DP declines the invite...

It's probably a blessing, a week in Italy on our own terms is far more appealing :o

OP posts:
Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 10:31

Thanks food! The question is though... can DP come too? :o

OP posts:
Foodforthesoul · 21/02/2015 10:34

He most certainly can Wine

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 10:36

Deal! :o Wine

OP posts:
Notso · 21/02/2015 10:36

It's only going to be weird or awkward in the future if you or they make it so. We declined our invite to SIL's Las Vegas wedding because it wasn't suitable for our DC and we felt we couldn't go without them. DH, DD, PIL and SIL were all a bit upset initially and there was pressure on us to go but there's no awkwardness between us all now. At the end of the day it was a fortnight out of our lives.

They want their wedding to be close friends and family, you are neither.
Your DP doesn't want to go without you so I just don't see why your so put out.
If the groom starts putting pressure on DP to go then that's different but so far, they really haven't done anything wrong. I think your DP and his friend would be foolish to throw a close friendship away over it.

Notso · 21/02/2015 10:43

That should read quite so put out

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 10:45

It is a little bit awkward notso, especially when our meetups usually consist of just the four of us at home having drinks or an intimate type dinner.

But nevermind, I'm sure we can manage to brush over it. There is no denying it has caused a bit of ill-feeling though. DP and I were chatting about it in bed last night and he is pissed off. I doubt we'll forget it - and rightly or wrongly, we have perceived it as a sleight... but I don’t think it's the end of a friendship.

OP posts:
quot · 21/02/2015 10:46

Having not been able to afford a holiday abroad for 24 years I would need precisely 2 seconds to work out whether I could go or not. I too would be very interested to know how they react to your DP's answer.

Notso · 21/02/2015 10:52

Why at this point though? Why not wait and see the response to you DP not going?
If you both can't forget it and perceive it as a sleight then that is your problem not the couples.
What if some of your friends are put out your not sharing your wedding with them? Would you understand?

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 11:10

Yes I would understand notso.

We're only having our parents there, so it's not like we're choosing some friends and not others/splitting partners etc.

We may have friends round for a post-celebratory drink at some point if they'd like that.

It's a different issue. Also, I won't be imposing big costs and time commitments on my friends (or anyone).

OP posts: