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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
TwinkleThis · 20/02/2015 12:21

pictish I don't think we are disagreeing as much as I think you think we are. (What a sentence. Hmm)

The OP said herself that her DP was planning to decline but if he didn't she sounds sensible enough to deal with it. I'm sure her DP would behave beautifully if he did attend.

What's lacking in this particular invitation seems to be any room for alternatives. For example, no suggestion that he could stay elsewhere with OP and (unconventional, I know) they pay for her place at the wedding (unless the table only seats 20 as well, this shouldn't be a burden).

Nothing to accommodate the idea that a week of holiday time alone might not be the best option for them.

All of which is fine, it's the choice of the marrying couple. But if they followed social convention and used some imagination, the outcome could have been really pleasant for all involved.

Oh, and the 'won't anyone think of the plus ones' line? Genius.

pictish · 20/02/2015 12:23

itsaysonthetin I agree with your post.

Why should people have to pay for your partner (who they barely know) at their wedding, and have to not invite another close friend?

Quite. Bloody ridiculous thing to get all self important and offended over. Really. And that's not directed at the OP either who actually doesn't seem that bothered, but anyone wringing their hands over not getting a couples invite to a restricted event like a budget dictated wedding.
Sorry to say it, but grow up.

rookiemere · 20/02/2015 12:25

But itsaysoonthetin and pictish B&G don't appear to be paying for anything. Guests have to fork out for their own air fare and villa costs. The restriction is not the B&Gs budget, rather their insistance that this particular villa is used which holds 20 people.

DH & I were only engaged for a short period, but I would have found it odd if he had been invited to a wedding without me during that period. I'd have found it even odder if it had necessitated a trip abroad for a week. If he had wanted to go -fine - at that time we had separate finances and both earned good salaries, but I genuinely can't imagine that he'd have wanted to spend a week on holiday away without me, celebrating someone elses marriage. Now he'd probably jump at teh chance Grin.

Notso · 20/02/2015 12:26

YABU.
I understand why you feel put out but if I was only having 20 people to my wedding I wouldn't want one of them to be someone I'd only met a handful of times in 2 and a half years.
I can also understand why your DP doesn't want to go without you. I don't think it's something to get offended over though.

pictish · 20/02/2015 12:26

Thanks twinkle - I appreciate that.
Fwiw we would certainly turn down a single invite to this particular wedding, because the costs and time incurred are far more than we would be willing to sacrifice. I think the OP's dp is fine to decline.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/02/2015 12:27

thatsucks, yes they can decline the invite (as OP is doing), but in my opinion the decline of the invite is not the end of the matter. If it were invite, decline, everything carries on as before, nobody would bat an eyelid. Sadly, it often changes the relationship between the B&G and the invitees.

The invitees are left feeling that their relationship is seen by the B&G as 'lesser' than the B&Gs. As Twinkle so eloquently put, "By excluding her from the invitation they are insulting his choice of her as a partner and placing cost/venue above his friendship and his choice of partner." It leaves a sour taste in the invitees mouth, whether they accept or decline the invite. Similarly, with the wedding abroad and therefore the shifting of expense from B&G to guests, the invitee can feel a bit like a cash cow rather than someone the B&G wishes to share their day with. Again, a sour taste in the mouth.

Had the B&G not made such an invite, but instead made it be known that their budget only stretched to a smaller wedding, nobody is left feeling bad and relationships are unaffected.

I wonder how much of the change in friendship groups post-wedding is down to people stepping back because of this sort of thing.

TwinkleThis · 20/02/2015 12:28

Why should people have to pay for your partner (who they barely know) at their wedding, and have to not invite another close friend?

Well, in this case they've been socialising regularly with the OP for two years or so, so 'barely know' isn't apt.

And it says "she's okay I guess but we really like Joe better so we'll spend our £50 per head on his head"...which is their choice, but still pretty fecking rude.

ThunderAndFrightening · 20/02/2015 12:30

YANBU to feel that they planned this without considering their guests needs/wants. Not being invited to the wedding is fine when the wedding is 20 people. But they have turned their wedding into a week's holiday (using all the annual leave and budget that goes with that) with by the sounds of it no alternative options, ie. you and DP going to Italy in hols, he goes to wedding or DP joins them for a small part of it.

TwinkleThis · 20/02/2015 12:33

Fwiw we would certainly turn down a single invite to this particular wedding, because the costs

Bloody hell, pictish, now you tell me? Could've saved me a lot of typing...

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 20/02/2015 12:34

If budget was really an issue they would be doing what the OP is doing, not flying to Italy for a week and hoping that their mates and family will pick up the tab.

MrsJohnLewis · 20/02/2015 12:34

Obviously the B&G can invite who they want. But if they're having a wedding abroad and only inviting one half of a couple for a whole week away, they've got to expect that people might have to decline on the basis of holiday budgets and annual leave, etc.

A lot of people can only afford a week or two away per year. Asking someone to dedicate all or half of their annual holiday allowance to your wedding is a big ask.

rookiemere · 20/02/2015 12:34

Another thing to consider is what the atmosphere in the villa would be like.

Would those there be expected to celebrate the marriage all week long by paying for meals, doing housework ( happy couple surely couldn't be expected to do this on their wedding week) and generally being second class citizens even though they have paid their fair share?

It's something I really object to on hen dos - you fork out a small fortune then find you're meant to pick up B2Bs drink & meals as well. I like my space and sharing with 20 people I didn't choose would be intolerable to me. I don't think the B&G have thought this through.

pictish · 20/02/2015 12:34

Ha ha - make mine a large one. Wink Grin

noddyholder · 20/02/2015 12:37

I would be delighted if someone invited dp for a week without me I hate weddings and would love a week pottering and doing my own thing!

ireallyhopeso · 20/02/2015 12:38

I see two sides to this, B&G are unreasonable fir expecting people to shell out £££ on what is essentially a holiday not of their own choosing, whether one person or a whole family are invited. I think this of any overseas wedding which a) is not paid for by the inviters b) is not due to B and/or G hailing from the wedding location or c) only attended by close family. Yes I'm sure getting married in an Italian villa is lovely but just go there for your honeymoon if you want a load of people to be there for the ceremony.
However that is what they have done and in your position I'd be pissed off that they were asking us to spend money for dh to attend, but if he wanted to go and we had the cash I wouldn't mind. He's been away without me and I've been away without him, so long as the dcs don't miss out on a family break because we've blown the spare cash on ourselves then no problem imo. I'd be annoyed at the plans but wouldn't decline on principle.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 12:41

That's another thing, the practicalities of the villa Confused

Maybe the fact we're ttc is a factor, I'm sure they'd all love a baby living there too for the week :o

OP posts:
Andcake · 20/02/2015 12:45

The b&g are Bly expecting slitting the cost of accommodation to be fair not the wedding.
Yabu to not be able to cope without each other for a week for example dp goes skiing for a week without me as I don't ski- fine I enjoy having a bit of time.
Tbh if I was the groom I would think your dp perhaps might say no but also might need to grow some of the only reason was you not being invited.
Annual leave etc is another matter - why doesn't your dp say he can only come for say a day or 2 actual wedding and expect to cut costs accordingly.
Sounds like a lovely wedding to meGrin small, sunny great

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 12:50

Andcake we are perfectly capable of coping without each other.

However, we'd rather not spend our limited holiday budget (we've just bought a house btw which has depleted our savings) and limited annual leave on a week's luxury holiday where one of us isn't invited.

Nothing to do with not coping without each other.

OP posts:
Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 20/02/2015 12:56

Op, YANBU

The point is that if you had been included as part of the wedding party, it would have strengthened your friendship with the B&G and made you part of their group. By excluding you they are saying the complete opposite and yes, it's insulting to both you and your DF. It would put me off being as close to them in the future, if I were your DF.

rookiemere · 20/02/2015 12:58

Actually another factor to this is the fact it's so far away. So best man in new relationship may be fine to sign up now, but who knows what his circumstances will be 16mths from now.

He too might be saving for a house or his GF might be pregnant etc.etc.
I feel weddings abroad are fairly selfish in most circumstances (dons tin hat), but this is more than that isn't it. It's telling asking people to commit themselves financially to a holiday over a year in advance with no option to cancel if your circumstances change. At least if you're staying in a hotel then you can generally get a cancellable room option.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 12:58

Ketchup that's a really good point. And yes, I think I said it in the OP, they've gone down in our estimation a little. Whether that's reasonable or not, it's how we feel.

OP posts:
rinabean · 20/02/2015 12:58

Weddings:

drop everything and come here for a day and maybe a night or 2, bring everyone - fine
come here for an evening, leave husband and/or kids at home - fine
come here for a week, it's really expensive too, and no literally just you thanks - mental

It's thoughtless, it's self centred. NOBODY cares about someone else's wedding that much. Just go on a bloody honeymoon to Italy, or actually elope, not a weird half elope half wedding

MrsHathaway · 20/02/2015 12:59

And we'll be married before they are (end of this year), so we'll be husband and wife when they get married.

Wait, so they're inviting a man they like and not his newlywed wife?!

That really is missing the point spectacularly.

Good luck TTC Flowers

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 13:00

rookie it is. DP might get made redundant etc etc. We've spent last year, and will spend this year having to be loose with our plans anyway due to ttc.

Committing to, and paying for something next summer is far from ideal.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 20/02/2015 13:00

Oh and rinabean - pay for the joy of spending your hard earned holiday entertaining someone elses parents, so you can't even have a debauched drinking week.