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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
Notso · 21/02/2015 11:25

I know your wedding scenario is different. What I'm getting at is you would understand if people felt but you still want that for your wedding.
Just like couple might understand you and DP feeling upset but they still would like the wedding of their choice.

I have been the random wife at a wedding with only 12 including the bride and groom. I've rarely felt more uncomfortable, it was nothing to do with anybody there just the feeling I was intruding on a very personal day. Perhaps this experience and the one with SIL are colouring my judgement.

I do see it could be a difficult situation if it's made into one I just don't see it yet.

Notso · 21/02/2015 11:26

Sorry *...if people felt that way.. Must proof read!

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 11:39

I know what you meant notso.

I think the difference I was getting at lies in that I am not inconveniencing/imposing on guests or putting my comfort and enjoyment ahead of theirs.

If our wedding was to be similar to theirs we wouldn't dream of asking one without the other (we're 99.9% certain they'd outright decline!! but that's besides the point)

I certainly wouldn't be the 'random' wife. I know the couple well. I've met their parents. I know the best man.

But anyway, their wedding, their choice. It's just that their choice has resulted in one of the two of the groom's oldest/best?! friends not being there.

OP posts:
Notso · 21/02/2015 11:52

Would you have gone to the wedding if you were both invited?

diddl · 21/02/2015 12:08

I think the thing here for me is it's a holiday for a week.

Who wants to give up holiday time & money for a holiday without their partner?

in a place & with people that they haven't chosen?

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 21/02/2015 12:12

notso due to ttc we wouldn't commit to the villa costs now, but we would have made the effort to go, at the time, if circumstances allowed and we could stay in our own accomm.

OP posts:
FriendlyLadybird · 21/02/2015 12:37

I do think people are being unnecessarily hard on the bride and groom.

20 guests is a very small wedding. It is clearly for family and very close friends only. Why not?

Unless the villa is at George Clooney level, it is probably considerably cheaper pp than a decent hotel. A week was probably the minimum rental period -- it doesn't mean that everyone has to stay for the whole week, but perhaps their families will.

The groom came round and saw your DP and explained the situation face-to-face. That was the right thing to do -- everyone would have more cause to cry 'rude' if the invitation simply arrived with his name alone on it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mcs OP. I've had two myself and know how rough it is, but you can't expect people to plan their lives around your ttc. You just can't.

And finally, as others have said, an invitation is just that. You are perfectly within your rights to decline on any grounds whatsoever. You don't even need to explain why.

tiggytape · 21/02/2015 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 21/02/2015 12:54

If the B&G were more considerate and had more flexibility they could have suggested that the Grooms best friend and his wife to be book a hotel nearby in case a baby had arrived by then. Everyone's a winner; no offense caused to anybody.

IDontDoIroning · 21/02/2015 12:59

It seems to me that b and g want a honeymoon in a lovely large Vila in Italy but don't want to or can't pay for it.
So their idea is to hire the one they want and cram it full of friends and relatives with some who don't even know each other having to share and sharing the cost.
Wo would really want to spend their honey moon like this?
What about practicalities re shopping meals chores etc - sounds like it could be a nightmare.
Perhaps what they are really hoping is that guests say that they don't want to stay the week and get return flights back early and leave them in the dream villa on their own but with most of the cost covered.

Charley50 · 21/02/2015 12:59

And I don't think it's particularly decent to come round the house to ask OPs partner; it's putting him on the spot to make him more likely to day yes.

fatlazymummy · 21/02/2015 13:25

Friendlyladybird being hard on the bride and groom? I don't think so.
Perhaps they shouldn't have asked other people to give up a week of their own lives to celebrate their wedding. It's just really presumptuous. And that's before you get to inviting one person without their partner (which I personally don't agree with, but I can see that it's acceptable to other people).
If you want to get married abroad and invite people then fine, send the invite and a list of nearby hotels, and allow them to decide how much time and money they feel is appropiate.

FriendlyLadybird · 21/02/2015 13:34

But they haven't 'asked other people to give up a week of their own lives' -- they've INVITED them.

I've been invited to do lots of things that I didn't want/couldn't afford to do, including at least two holidays. I just declined.

MalibuStacy · 21/02/2015 13:37

How rude! If they can't accommodate both of you, then they shouldn't have invited your DP. Rude and hurtful. But don't worry - I am sure between us we can come up with a few good MN ideas for a passive-aggressive wedding present Grin.

Notso · 21/02/2015 13:39

OP has said she doesn't think they are being deliberately selfish and that if it was a UK wedding she would have no problem with the solo invitation. They would also go if they could book nearer the time and stay in their own villa so money and taking time off can't be a massive issue for them either.

BOFster · 21/02/2015 13:47

No need for passive aggression, just be truthful.

OP, I think your attitude is perfectly sensible, and as you say, the best way to deal with it is for your DP to decline the invitation. I'm sure they'll think of someone else to invite if they are using their guest list to keep the villa cost down.

salthill · 21/02/2015 14:35

Why would any partner of those select friends honoured with an invite be happy with this. Call me old fashioned but I don't think its acceptable to choose one half of a couple and then get them all together for a week in a villa all drinking and sharing meals together. While the one left behind gets to childmind, go to work or whatever and worries that they might just not be able to afford a holiday this year because they've paid for someone else's, to which they weren't even invited. Thank goodness your dp said no OP.
It'd be grounds for a divorce for me. Grin

chrome100 · 21/02/2015 14:48

YABU. You hardly know them! DP has been to loads of weddings of random people I hardly know, I couldn't give a stuff. You're a couple, not Siamese twins.

BOFster · 21/02/2015 14:56

Which might be relevant to an overnighter, Chrome, but I think the OP is entitled to a stronger opinion when it comes to an expensive week away.

salthill · 21/02/2015 14:59

Is it a new thing then, this going to weddings without your partner. To me it just seems a bit odd. A wedding is about the celebration of two people coming together to spend their lives together. Why then would you want only one half of a couple to go. Apart from that though, this is hardly your average wedding invitation, the Ops dp was invited to fly to Italy(at his own expense) and then pay a share in a villa. Definitely wouldn't get any change out of a grand. Probably be expected to buy a wedding present too.

fatlazymummy · 21/02/2015 15:01

friendly asked and invited are the same thing, surely?
I'm afraid having a week long wedding seems a bit too 'me me me, the whole world revolves around us' as far as I'm concerned. Of course everyone is free to decline any invitation. We are also free to change our opinions of people, based on their actions, which is what the OP originally asked. She said they 'had gone down in her estimation', and I would feel the same way if I was her.

FryOneFatManic · 21/02/2015 15:15

I would not have any problem if DP were to go to a wedding alone.

I would, however, have a problem with DP using a week's precious holiday and our family money to spend a week away somewhere without me/DCs.

chrome the OP posted I know the couple well. I've met their parents. I know the best man. so it sounds like she knows them well enough.

I know the B&G can do what they want for a wedding, but personally I find it rather off to arrange a wedding that effectively transfers the costs to the guests, ie arranging a wedding abroad/renting a villa.

If you can't afford it, don't have it.

GColdtimer · 21/02/2015 15:24

So they have limited numbers but are still expecting the guests to pay? I can't believe people think this is ok to expect someone to spend precious holiday budget on a holiday without their fiancé.

YANBU if guests are paying
YABU if they are paying (although I can see why you would be upset).

diddl · 21/02/2015 15:32

In theory, if the guests are paying, they could hire enough villas for partners/spouses/+1s and not limit to 20??

benchmark · 21/02/2015 15:32

Of course YANBU. I really don't get what comes over people when it comes to weddings. If you want someone to pay to travel abroad and use a weeks annual leave to go to your special day then you invite their partner. Not only is it rude that they haven't invited you but it's also now put you both in an awkward position.

This happened to me once. DP was invited to be groomsman at a wedding in texas (English groom, American bride). He said he couldn't come without me as it would need to be part of our annual holiday due to cost and annual leave (understandably as it's so far away and we were on low incomes). His friend hasn't spoken to him since and we've never met the wife. I felt awful and it made things really uncomfortable for me and DP. Bloody rude if you ask me.

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