to not want my 3rd child to be referred to as my second, because the second died

[redandwhitetoadstool]

my dc3 keeps being called my 2nd

keep getting comments like when its your second xyz

comments like oh yeah the second doesn get more ill because they are exposed to more germs etc

I think its well ment and not ment to harm but painful

I honestly don't know if im being over sensitive about this

but our second child died shortly after being born, on the same day
so will always to us be our second
but of course we never actually had the chance to parent our second child

to other people, I get that it seemed a bit to them like that child never existed
but this is actually my mother that keeps doing this and it keeps really upsetting me

Firstly sorry for the loss of your DC2, my heart goes out to you.

Secondly, YANBU, I would firmly tell your DM every time she says it that this is your third DC and it upsets you when she says otherwise.

yanbu. So sorry for the loss of your dc.

Jeez, I was going to ask if it was people who wouldn't immediately know about your loss, but it's your MOTHER?!

I would struggle to be polite in putting her right.

I am so sorry for your loss - your children are always your children and always part of your family.

Sorry for your loss. I agree with firmly correcting your mother every time she says it.

If it were a stranger it would probably be best ignored.
As it's your mum I'd tell her how it makes you feel. If she continues to do it even though it upsets you she is being a massive bitch. Wtf would she want to purposefully upset your child over something like this? Even if she thinks you are being sensitive (I don't) surely any reasonable human being would just go with you on this.

Yanbu. Sorry for your loss. Of course you should point this out if it upsets you.

redandwhite my 2nd DD also died shortly after birth, we've also gone on to have DD3. Most people refer to her as my 2nd child, i always mentally correct it and sometimes if I'm feeling strong and the situation is right I correct them out loud. It is hard and I'm sorry you're in the same situation

I’m sorry you suffered the loss of your second baby, your mother is being incredibly inaensitive. Agree with others that you should correct her every single time, or just walk away from the conversation. Is she doing it on purpose, is she generally so horrible?

thanks for replies

i've pointed this out to her several times at least five

and I do sit there and say oh dc is our third

and she actually gets annoyed saying oh you know what I mean
as if i'm being over senstive

i've even texted her afterwards and told her how upsetting it is yet she continues to do this

I've sat with her and told/asked her not to do this because its upsetting

Be firm! 'You continually deny the existence of one of you own grandchildren. Do you realise how this makes you sound? Because it isn't good. Stop it.'

Turn it back on her by pointing out what a bitch she comes across.

I think I need to be firmer somehow
but don't know what to do or say

Can understand if its a stranger who wouldnt know (they cant mind read) but your mum! Sorry for your loss. Correct her every time. Have you told her it hurts you?

Oh, sorry for your loss. Have you seen glow in the woods? It's a place for babylost parents and might help?

Either way your mum is being insensitive. You are not being over sensitive at all. I hope she sees sense.

how do you mean by turn it back on her

Sorry that your mother is being so insensitive, it'd upset me too. I'd let it go with strangers who don't know or just say 'yes, after your first it's very different'

Turn it back on her. 'You continually deny the existence of your own grandchild. Do you realise how this makes you come across, because it ain't good. Cut it out!' Don't let her minimise with, 'You know what I mean.' 'No, I don't. I truly don't get how you can pretend your own grandchild never existed. That's too warped for me to understand.'

I just feel like I've tried all the polite things

I correct her and say no x is our third
I have sat and cried with her ffs and told her how much this upsets me
and shes told me shes gonna try to stop and be more sensitive

I have texted her to try and be more eloquent about how it upsets me

now I just feel like absolutely blowing my top

and saying to her why, why do you keep doing this
w was born x did live x did breathe x did die, x did exist

YANBU.
DD is our DD2, 4th DC but only have 3 living. It's hard and I sympathise.

So she comes across as the insensitive cow she is rather than you being over-reactive.

I lost a daughter when she was nine. If my mother did this, I would be fucking livid.

I completely understand. My MIL came to stay 3 years in a row on the anniversary of DD's death because it was convenient for her. But nobody will ever care quite as much as you do and you will be grieving long after everyone else has stopped because it was your child. It's one of the hardest things to understand that not everybody feels the way that you do.

It will get easier but you will never stop loving your child.

she can be nice, but she also never admits to being wrong or vvv rarely also very defensive

Blow up at her. She knows goddamn well what she is doing. Cannot imagine upsetting my child like this. It's not on.

YANBU! Put your mother in her place immediately!!!

thing is when you lose a child so shortly after birth and other people never really got to meet that child.

they seem to think that child did not exist

one time when she did it
and said oh x is our third

dad piped up with something about how I know what she means as we never got to bring x home