to not want my 3rd child to be referred to as my second, because the second died

[redandwhitetoadstool]

my dc3 keeps being called my 2nd

keep getting comments like when its your second xyz

comments like oh yeah the second doesn get more ill because they are exposed to more germs etc

I think its well ment and not ment to harm but painful

I honestly don't know if im being over sensitive about this

but our second child died shortly after being born, on the same day
so will always to us be our second
but of course we never actually had the chance to parent our second child

to other people, I get that it seemed a bit to them like that child never existed
but this is actually my mother that keeps doing this and it keeps really upsetting me

i am sorry for your loss, redandwhite.

Such comments from others, you will probably have to tolerate. They won't know, and even those like the doctor or your 3rd cousin who were told and do know, forget since they don't see you and your Dc's regularly. i struggled to for a year to keep in mind that a new friend and classmate and his wife WERE parents, even though for only a few short weeks, long before I met them. (Though I did, eventually, remember. And a decade on, they are parents again, and will soon have a third.)

can you sit down with a cuppa and talk with you mum about it? Tell her you you aren't ready to let dc2 slip into non-existence, and you know you can't go round correcting people who have no way of knowing, but for now, you need those closest to you to remember dc2. suggest she use general phrases like, 'the younger children' rather than specific phrases 'the second child' because when she says second, your mind goes to the second, not the child she means. There are times when she could edit herself to use 'the youngest' or dc3's name. Is she likely to understand, or likely to be thinking one should buck up and move on? i hope she can give you these verbal hugs.

I'm sorry about your loss op. Your mother is being cruel, she of all people should be making that effort to NOT say it. You are definitely not being insensitive.

Its hard to know what to do or say. My SIL had a stillborn baby 10 years ago and she and DB were understandably devastated. They went on to have more children though.

Recently DB was very upset when DM was asked how many grandchildren she has at an extended family party and she only said 6. DB think she should have said 7 and then explained what happened.

The OP does not have to tolerate it and has already tried the sit down with a cuppa.

I just feel like I've asked politely so many times now

I really feel like I am about to blow

Only one DS

Should be our second child.

YANBU. But not everyone can know. Those that do should be more sensitive, less casually cruel. Make sure you tell them how wrong they are.

Sorry for your loss.

I have no first hand experience of similar situations but I do have an incredibly insensitive mother.

I bet she thinks she is doing you a favour, 'helping forget' and 'not reminding you every 5 mins' and a ton of excuses. She'd say in her generation, these things would be brushed under the carpet and never spoken of again.

I have tried, and failed, to change my mum's commenting, I have largely given up now and mostly just try to laugh at her idiocy and make her realise she's being an idiot, without getting too emotional - DH is very good at this and manages to flag inappropriate comments.

I think blowing your top might not be a bad option.

(And, of course, YANBU)

I agree completely with everything expat said. I lost my DS2 and always think that DS3 will always be DS3. He doesn't get moved up a rung/number IYSWIM. Your mother's insensitivity is breathtaking. How dare she.

You choose your friends but can't choose your family more's the pity
Since DS2 died my ILs haven't bothered with us at all. They are a waste of space and oxygen.

Stop being polite then, because she certainly isn't. She is being mean becuase she knows it upsets you. Who does that? Who deliberately upsets their child like that? 'Do you realise who ugly it makes you come across when you continually deny one of your own grandchildren existed?'

If they didn't get to meet the child, it doesn't mean that child wasn't born, or never existed! Do you have a photo of your second child, or some spare booties you could give them? Ask them to treasure this grandchild, even though they never met and they have no memory, for your sake. Because you need them to be inside that circle of people who can understand what it was like for you and who know that you did have 3 children.
You can't give them memories they don't have, but you can explain a bit more that you want your relationship with your mum (and dad) the best it can be, and this is so hurtful you cannot let it go. It just won't go away.

Yanbu. I'm very sorry for your loss.

My good friend had both her dd's due at 4yrs and 2.5yrs. She had a 3 month old baby at the time the second dd died and she avoided lots of baby groups as people would (naturally) talk to her like she was a new mum. She wanted to scream that it was her THIRD!!....but of course she didn't. She kept quiet.

Slowly she started meeting more mums of babies more regularly and then she would sometimes tell people her circumstances. She would still get annoyed though when they would talk to her like she knew nothing about weaning, potty training etc.

I'm thining of phoning her and saying
why are you doing this
why?

maybe that will make her think

or she will go super defensive and say well you know what I mean, you neber got to bring x home
and make me feel even worse

but tbh I think me blowing up at her is not whats actually needed at this point

yanbu...sorry for your loss.

We get this all the time unfortunately, having lost our first DD in labour. All the comments, including "ah now you have one of each" in rference to to DCs 2 & 3 (D and S)....i don't tend to make a big deal of it, but there is always a little spasm of pain.

Both family's do it, but i try and think that they just aren't thinking about it..

I would just like to add that as far as your mothers concerned, I would just politely and firmly correct her everytime. If she doesn't get used to it then have a deeper discussion about how it hurts.

My friend still is closest friends to us (the group she met when her daughters were young). She says it's because we knew her dd's and often talk about them freely and fondly. It's a comfort to her.

Sorry, There were no messages when I started, but I had to leave and come back, and By the time I posted, you have said she is being a horrible mother about it. Really sorry about that situation.

If you have discussed, cried, and blown up, and your dad is supporting her, and not you, I am not sure what to tell you. Perhaps go low contact for a while, until you can bear it? If the situation arises regularly, it may become like a sore being picked at, and turn into an even bigger problem.

Has she always been so insensitive? Do you know if she ever lost a child or miscarried? Women raised in the pre-birth control era were quite clearly taught to bury their grief, move on, and concentrate on the children that lived, and that attitude persisted through several decades of mothers with small, planned families. My grandmother lost several pregnancies and infants and my mom (2 of 7 survivors) was old enough to recall 3 of them. Even the baby's death was moved on from, very quickly. We discussed this when my sil miscarried, because of these differences. Nowadays, we are allowed/expected to consider such losses as equal to any other death in the family and my mother was not sure if she approved.

YANBU at all.

We lost our first baby halfway through the pregnancy then went on to have DS. When good friends have asked if we'll have another I've confided that I'm dreading the idea of another pregnancy and I almost always get the flip response 'oh you'll be so much more relaxed with your second'. Errrr, no I won't, I had my second and I wasn't relaxed at all! Doubt I'll be relaxed for my third either if we get that far.

I don't think showing your mum some emotion is a bad thing, let her know she's really upset you.

sorry for your loss

Perhaps reword whatever point she is trying to make for you?
I can't imagine how devastating losing your baby must be and I understand that that baby is part of your family as much as any other member.
But I can see why your mother might struggle with the wording. You gave an example of germs and your second child that would upset you.
Perhaps you could rephrase the sentence with "siblings" that might be more acceptable.

Peaceofwildthings advice is good. i like the phrasing of needing your mum and dad to be inside the circle.

thanks for replies, I've decided to tackle her AGAIN about it

just need to decide what to do or say

I'm going to tackle her today, while I still have fire in my belly

She is being insensitive to repeatedly refer to two children instead of three, however I have some sympathy for her. You have been through three pregnancies and given birth to three children but you have only parented two. If she is referring to how you are parenting DC3 it is understandable that she refers to it as second. You do have two children now so referring to you havin two children is correct. It doesn't sound like she is denying the existence of DC2.

It must be horrible and I hope she can be more sensitive to you.

OP, yanbu at al .

OP so sorry for your loss .

I'm was a similar situation to you. My first born DS1 died shortly before birth, he was a twin so his brother, DS2, is always referred to as my eldest and my newborn DS3 is now considered my 2nd DC by everyone. It drives me bonkers . I really struggled with my mother too, she continually made ridiculous comments about the whole situation from constantly forgetting to include DS1 in her grandchild count to the other end of the spectrum claiming that she was more upset than me at his passing. I tried like you to rationally explain how hurtful her comments and actions were to no avail . Then I totally blew my top at her the week of his anniversary and DS2's birthday, I couldn't take it anymore and quite simply lost the rag with her. I then refused to speak to her for about a month (a very long time for me to cut off contract) and told my father exactly what happened, he had a quiet but serious word with her. That was a year ago and since then she has been a lot better .

I think sometimes with mothers they have your best interests at heart but play it in such a crazy older generation way that it comes across extremely hurtful. Sometimes a good ol argument really does clear the air.

Wishing you lots of luck. Xx

redandwhite Good luck - I hope that you finally get through to her.

My DD1 died when she was three days old and I have found that I have had to be fairly insistent to have her included on things like family trees and such. The first time she was excluded I just wanted to howl. Like you, 'she DID exist, she DID.' Because I love her just as much as the three that are alive. I carried her, I gave birth to her, I loved her until her last breath and I'll continue to love her until MY last breath.

I don't know why other people can't understand that. Fair enough, if it is a passing acquaintance as they would probably be hard pressed to remember if I had any children at all let alone how many! But it is hard when it comes from family. It hurts when they forget or choose to ignore. Especially when its my own mum for some reason.

Loads and loads of luck

Well, if I were you, I would give the relationship a break. Phone her if you want, say your piece, put the phone down and avoid her for a month.

She will never apologise, maybe the break will make her stop, and realise you won't take that behaviour.

I am so sorry for the loss of your second child.

It's very common to do this. I even read some newspaper articles which described Florence Cameron as the Camerons' third child - and that's when the death of the elder son had been front page news. I've heard friends of ours, perfectly reasonable nice people, express a wish that X has a girl this time after all those boys. X already had had a girl but she died - and ceased to exist apparently. So yes lots of people do it but it's never ever right to do it. Blow your top at your mum and then pick her up on it every time she does it. You've enough to deal with having suffered such a bereavement. You don't need to deal with your own mother apparently having forgotten your child as well.