To ask you what you think children need

[Walktwoworlds]

It's so difficult to know how to word this thread.

What - for YOU - are the things you feel you must provide for a child?

Own room? Savings account for flat deposit / university / car? Holidays? Music / riding / dancing lessons? Private school?

I just don't know ... I worry a lot about being skint poor and not being able to ever give a child the childhood I had if that makes sense and feels unfair

Good role models, someone to listen to them, boundaries, food, bed, clothes, time.

Mine don't get music lessons, holidays, private school etc. I bet you do all of the above fantastically and the rest sorts itself out when the time comes.

A roof over their head.
Warmth.
Food.
Clothing.
Love.

After that everything else is a bonus, it would be lovely to be able to afford a deposit for a flat, pay for a uni education [bollocks to private school], a car but that's never going to happen for a lot of us.

My kids never had huge amounts spent on them at Christmas or birthdays and at some point or another they've had to share a room with one other brother.

We haven't failed them, they've had great childhoods without large amounts of money spent on them.

Lovr, security and consistancy.

Going through a marriage breakup and it makes you think...as long as your child knows you are there and you love them and always will anything else is just extra.

A home where they feel safe and loved, time from grown ups spent listening and enough food& clothes. Material things do not make a difference - although having some toys/ craft stuff is nice. I don't think they need paid for activities or holidays but do need to be taken out to play parks etc when they are little.

im a 23yo single mum on benefits. I have a 6yo and a 14 month old and I am preg with my 3rd.
my kids are loved, safe and secure.
they have consistency in all things.
they are fed a home cooked meal every night for tea.
they never go without. if I cant afford something then I go without so that they have it.
I cant afford to get my driving licence or a car but thats ok because they will be healthier with walking.
I cant afford to takw them away on holiday but thats ok because we "camp" in the living room and eat junk.
I cant afford uni fees for them but thats ok because they need to learn to pay their own way in life anyway.
I cant send them to private school because. ..whats the point?
my children are healthy and happy and they know that I will always be there no matter what life throws at us.

Children need love and to feel safe. My exH broke my DS when he left and didn't support him - he didn't feel secure. It will take him a lifetime to try and build that relationship again

A home where they feel loved, secure and safe.
A shoulder to cry on whenever they feel they need it.
Always there to listen to them when they want/need to sound off.
No judgement.
Boundaries.
Consistency.
Healthy food.

The rest isn't necessary but is nice to have.

Food, security, love, a roof over their head, fair but firm parenting.

Those are all essentials imo.

Most of the other things you have mentioned are things I work hard to give my DC, but I wouldn't class them a essential.

You seem to be asking more about the material things than the emotional and family type things, so I'll go with that.

I think they need to be taught how to swim, not neccesarily through paying for lessons.
The opportunity to have a hobby that they enjoy, even just one, but it think having a hobby away from school is important, especially when they get older and need something to occupy their time in a positive way.

I will aim to help my children through university be ause otherwise the debt they will leave with will be enough to set them back years when it comes to buying a home. Also I'd like to pay for them to get their driving licences, but buying their own car will be down to them.

Holidays are a nice to have, and if would sacrifice other things in life to enable my children to do a bit of travelling while they are still children. I don't think they miss out by not having holidays, but I do think that the right sort of holidays are enriching and beneficial enough that I definitely want my dc to have them.

As a child brought up without any, I would say RESPECT and acceptance for who they are is key. I had a roof over my head and nourishing plain food but no demonstration of affection. So I feel quite strongly about respect.

It goes without saying that there should be no shouting in the house. It distresses me to read threads about MNetters posting about shouting at their 2 and three year olds and losing their tempers .... Makes me shudder.
My home was scary.
Consistency I also think is vital.

Food, home, clothes, praise, love and consistent parenting where they can talk about anything.

On the money side, yes it's nice to be able to provide uni fees or a houses deposit but not essential. However I do think children need to travel, have access to extra curricular activities and resources, be taught to drive etc. There are many things that money can buy that gives children a better start in life and showing them that hard work provides them sets them up with a great work ethic.

It's why pupil premium exists within schools to try and narrow the educational gap.

Thanks pneedle - I was definitely thinking re material things. I know love is free but just the same there's so much stuff that you want to do for them and if you can't ... You know?

I think a child needs stability love and the basics. anything more than that is an extra.

Nice (to them) fashionable-ish clothes/accessories/yadda yadda. I grew up in a poor family. Clothes were more expensive back then, plus looking nice wasn't a priority of my mum's anyway. I still remember the horrors of high school non-uniform days.

Well - I don't know. I think you're possibly right insofar as a child does but then children grow to be adolescents and adults and it does seem difficult in so many ways without help from parents nowadays.

On the material front, I would prefer to be able to afford a house where there was some room for them to play and have their own space - as in, not 4-5 people in a two-bed flat, not some sort of ginormous estate!

I would prefer that if they need new clothes or shoes I'm able to buy something decent.

I would prefer that they can eat as much fresh fruit and veg without worrying about the food bill.

I would prefer that if they are interested in a sport or a hobby, we can afford to let them go to that class or buy/hire that instrument.

I would prefer, as they get older, that we could afford most of the school trips, and to help them pay for driving lessons, and to support them in some way in higher education, if they want that.

But that's all preference. I don't feel like any of it is needed though.

Love, Food and clothes to me are non negotiators...

However for me personally we only had two children because I wanted to be able to do things with them. Not necessarily big expensive holidays but certainly days out, swimming lessons, music lessons etc. also to be able to say yes to brownie and beaver camps and all the extras that come with these things. When they were little things like playgroups, soft play with friends.

To me it was also important that they could have their own bedroom. I don't think in younger years this is important, but from 9+ I do think for privacy and actually just the need for your own space this is important.

If we could have still done all these things and had 4 children, we would have done. But we can't, so two it was. I'm afraid I am judgey when people have more children than they can afford. I don't get when people can't provide for the ones they have, why they would have more?

Saucy, I remember those too. It was worse for my sister as she had constant hand me downs.

There was no time either which has had a huge impact on how many children we have all had so I would say time too. Each child needs one to one, help with homework and reading etc.

The shouting point is another good one, I hate shouting and see so many use it daily out and about. I can't imagine what it must do to a child over time. Physical punishment is also a huge no no to us.

Love, food, shelter.

bollocks to private school is right...

The problem is with the word need since no child needs any of those things. They may want them and a parent may want to give them but they are not needs.

Do you mean to ask what would you like to be able to give your children? Quite a different question.

please don't beat yourself up about not providing anything on the 'wants' list. Provide the 'needs' and your children will be fine.

A clean, secure home
Love
Conversation
Play
Empathy
Curiosity
Acceptance

Oh and respect and sovereignty, appropriate to age

OP you say you're worried about not being able to give the things you had yourself. What did you think was important? Did you have all the stuff on your list?

My basic list would be enough to keep them safe and comfortable, and enough money to be able to join in with their friends. I'm not talking iphone 5s here, just having a bit of pocket money and being able to have clothes etc that aren't the height of unfashionable. That was all pretty within reach for me as a kid although we weren't well off, because we lived in a neighbourhood that was pretty poor so none of us had much. (Didn't stop people comparing constantly though - human nature).

My mother was very abusive.
I think it's important to know that they're loved. That you will always be there no matter what. That you will not judge. You will always help mend anything that's gone wrong. That they will always be safe, warm, well fed. They will always have a home and someone to turn to. That you are a parent who wants to be their best friend when they're older but have no intention of being anything but a parent when they're young. That you will enable them to achieve whatever they choose. That you will protect and love them, always.