To ask you what you think children need

[Walktwoworlds]

It's so difficult to know how to word this thread.

What - for YOU - are the things you feel you must provide for a child?

Own room? Savings account for flat deposit / university / car? Holidays? Music / riding / dancing lessons? Private school?

I just don't know ... I worry a lot about being skint poor and not being able to ever give a child the childhood I had if that makes sense and feels unfair

I know what you mean :) I wish I could edit my op to explain I purely meant material things.

You're absolutely right and no child 'needs' those things but I am thinking, I suppose of two things - firstly of feeling different, of being the one from a tiny cramped flat while friends have big homes and gardens, holidays and so on - and secondly the options.

For example I wouldn't consider private school. But then, if my child was so unhappy and being bullied and I wanted to move them and couldn't? That's one example! I'm sure there are others!

I always thought I'd have a sprawling home in big leafy gardens and summer holidays and skiing and - I don't know! It's hard as I wanted to give a child a dream childhood and I don't think I'll ever be able to.

Love, security (no necessarily financial) and protection

You can keep all the other material stuff

Walktwoworlds I understand you'd want to move your child if your child was being bullied. But I don't understand this mentality that bullying in state schools is much worse. I went to a shitty east london comp that was rough as fuck and I was fine. my friend on the other hand was at st albans high school for girls (private) and was so badly picked on she got a stomach ulcer and had to drop out and retake her a-levels at a state comprehensive.

obviously these aren't representative of all state schools and all private schools, but I do think it's a shame people assume bullying is less rife in private schools, because in my experience it's about the same.

All your child needs for a dream childhood is your love and support, the material things are so much less important. I know plenty of rich kids whose parents gave them all the material things but were either never around or were dysfunctional/abusive. They're much worse off than someone like me, who didn't have a massive house and garden and expensive holidays, but a great mum who always loved and cared for us unconditionally.

I know I am being idealistic but I do honestly think you can give a happy childhood without all that stuff.

Living in a happy home with lots of love & fun & laughter, plenty of support and time together is what people look back on and reflect that they had a happy childhood. You can work hard to achieve these things, not moaning about what you don't have but trying to make it really happy, day trips to the seaside, just lots of fun, loving, happy things.
Half (not an accurate number!) the children in private school who are skiing at the moment won't spend much time with their parents as they're too busy working & being stressed about work.
Look on the bright side & make the most of the situation you have.
(As I said, a little idealistic I know but worth thinking about)

Matchstick, I absolutely don't think that bullying is 'worse' in a state school - I just mean that IF they were having a hard time and couldn't find an available place at a local school private school would be an option.

In any case that example wasn't so much about schools as explaining money buys choices - and at the moment any choices I could offer a boy or girl would be limited. You have to live in this house, go to this school.

I didn't go to private school FWIW.

Don't you think poorly paid people are busy working chewbacca?

It's just our children have to sit in holiday clubs instead of skiing

I think the most important things we've given them are consistency, unconditional love and most of all putting them first. Nobody fought my corner as a child (I spent my first 10 years in foster care); nobody helped defend me when I was bullied or hurt or just low. So home, food, safety aside, my focus has always been on giving them that security, that knowledge that they are the centre of the universe to someone. And now at 9, ES is gradually learning it won't/can't always be about him. But he's amazing, empathetic and kind. And that kindness I'm sure is helped by the fact that he has a secure base of his own so can give away all that kindness because he knows it's not limited or temporary.

DH says the most important things you can give children is a trust fund.

Guess which of us was born to rich parents.

While I am a great believer in' travel broadening the mind' I really don't think it's worth taking children abroad until they are at least 10 .(You may have other reasons-guaranteed sun being one) They won't remember that much of the culture,history etc before that x
.What mine remember best is family holidays pooling about in rock pools in Cornwall (In young adulthood they are very adventurous travellers)
Would endorse learning to swim and to drive if you can afford it . We did lots of fairly. ' serious' walking as a family and both my children still enjoy it .Music lessons are great but horrendously expensive though schools might help .
Have dwelt on the material ,,but would endorse all the stuff above .They need to feel unconditionally loved and supported and to have a sense of self worth , confidence .That will open doors for them
That no amount of money will buy .Its nice to pay for University,a first car, but I don't think many kids expect that now and the former at least is unachievable at today's costs,even if you are reasonably well off .

If you were to ask my children

the 20 yr old would say , someone who doesn't nag him constantly about everything

the 12 yr old would say she needed a new school bag every half term , oh and a Iphone

the 5 yr old would say another Scooby doo dvd and lots and lots of Lego and a story at bedtime and cuddles

I would say they need to feel loved and cherished , but must understand that the rest of the world doesn't actually give a fuck about them . I think that this is essential to learn when they are at school , college , Uni or work.

If all the above comments are really true then why are there so many threads often saying that OP is working all the hours to provide for DCs music lessons/private school etc etc etc and never get to actually SEE their kids as they're with childminders/nanny etc Confusing

Love, respect, security

Safe place to live, appropriate clothes as I can think of one person who does a whole load of extra curricular stuff with their kids but doesnt ensure they wear properly fitting shoes, or clothes which fit for that matter.

Time! I also know a couple with amazing jobs, they can afford a cleaner, holidays etc but their kids spend more time at before and after school activities than one to one with their parents who subsequently are not in touch with what is going on in their children's lives.

Non-scary parents!

It's funny I nearly started a thread like this yesterday.

It is hard. When i was small we didn't have much. We had a fairly nice house but ate basics range food, almost never ate out, no designer label clothes or shoes, no holidays (unless you count sofa surfing round relatives once a year which mum insisted on and the rest of us hated), no classes/clubs etc. etc.

We have much more than my parents did. We live in a smaller but slightly nicer house than they did, but with the slack that creates my kids get lessons and clubs, really nice clothes (not "designer" per se but great quality) and shoes, good food with lots of cafe and restaurant trips, holidays at least a couple of times a year and frequent treats.

HOWEVER they can be ungrateful horrors and complain such-and-such has a bigger house/pony/two cars/chateaux in S of F, and give me the same blank look when I try to illustrate their good luck as I gave my parents when they tried to illustrate MY luck (it's all relative afterall) when i was small.

So I basically think that the person getting the most joy out of all the stuff they get is me (well, and their dad) and they don't "need" any of it. I also think the only way they will end up appreciating it is if they have less to give THEIR kids, which of course ridiculously I hope they don't.

"If all the above comments are really true then why are there so many threads often saying that OP is working all the hours to provide for DCs music lessons/private school etc etc etc and never get to actually SEE their kids as they're with childminders/nanny etc Confusing"

I think they are the bare basics of parenting and should be there as standard. It's the extras that carve the childs path in life. If it were true that all a child needs is love and food, then those children raised in non working households would fair equally well at school yet stats show they are way behind their peers in most cases.

Is it the extra curricular activities or seeing both parents regularly which matters most? Prob a bit of both?

Or one parent regularly I mean. My DCs not currently doing any extras but I know plenty of their friends do something after school every single day. They just seem tired

I hasn't thought about the clothes thing,but it is part of self esteem I suppose .
Encourage them to get a pt job when they are old enough .I worked (waitressing)every Easter and summer holiday from age 15..It paid for my clothes ,going out and a bit of extra at University (was on full grant-those were the days) As well as teaching me life skills . DD2 had Sat job through sixth form and worked at our local school outfitters for 4 summers while at Uni .we aren't poor and she had a small allowance from aged 11,into her bank account , and we were fortunate enough to be able to pay for her further education, but she chose to work.Dd1 chose not to , and accepted having less money of her own .Self reliance and a strong work ethic are worth fostering .The onus to provide as they get older isn't entirely on you
Dd1used to go sailing with a friend's father (not as posh as it sounds) ..She was desperate for a boat of her own so DH said we'd pay half if she saved half.She did,so we did .(was second hand,about £400. Oddly enough, when she sold it about six years later for what we paid for it she kept all the money...)

Own room? Savings account for flat deposit / university / car? Holidays? Music / riding / dancing lessons? Private school?

None of the above are necessary for happiness.

I would say love, security, healthy boundaries, food, warmth. That's it really, although I will probably think of a few more in a minute.

To have the attention of their parents - to chat about their day and any worries they have. It doesn't matter when this is, but it should happen at some point.

Building happy memories of time spent as a family - holidays (they don't have to be expensive), days out or just a trip to the park.

Knowing they are loved
A sanctuary at home from whatever else is going on
Parents who will have your back ( even if it's while giving you a bollocking)
Time and attention
The tools to manage without you one day.

Forgot - the feeling they can be themselves and not have to bottle up feelings as showing emotions was a weakness to be used against you.
Yes I have ishoos from my childhood!!!!!

As a child I hated (obvious) second hand clothes and shoes and never going anywhere even for days out.

Just seen that you meant material things. Hmm, that's a different matter entirely.

Out of the list you gave in your original post we provided the following:

They could have had their own room, but chose to share.

Helped with uni costs.

Paid for driving lessons for one child, but not the other (very good reasons for this).

Helped one with first car.

Helped one with house deposit and the other with rental deposit.

One had music lessons.

Both had horse riding lessons.

No private school - for financial and idealogical reasons.

We were very lucky that we could do this, but I don't think we "needed" to do any of it. Apart from the horse riding I don't think any of it made their lives any happier really.

Obviously the emotional and basic subsistence stuff goes without saying.

But I'll admit that I tend to have a (perhaps misplaced) idea that my children need a lot more than that.

None of them came into the world under ideal circumstances, I never wanted or expected to have children, I have always been and almost certainly always will be a single mum and I have a few mental health problems. I think this means that I overcompensate in terms of how I think I should provide for my children out of embarrassment and guilt.

I feel that private education is necessary for my children because I need the free wraparound childcare in order to be able to work.

I feel that dance, gymnastics, music, singing and drama tuition is necessary for my children because those are my passions so I suppose I've passed them on. I also think that children need to be stimulated.

I feel that foreign travel is necessary for my children because the older two are bi-racial and I want them to know and understand their other culture, speak their other culture and know their other country and their family and friends in it.

I know all that stuff sounds crazily poncy middle class and I'm probably wrong about it but I make big sacrifices in other areas to ensure it can happen for them. None of them (and the oldest is 12) have any kind of electronic device or much in the way of stuff at all. They don't have their own bedrooms and we don't own a house. I went back to work when they were small babies and work very long hours.

Swings, roundabouts and different priorities I suppose.

obviously all their basic survival needs - food, water, etc.
warmth, clothes, medicine, etc
love, time, care, support
education
boundaries, discipline, good role models
parents who are interested in them
entertainment, fun, laughter

You have to keep your kids safe and well, love and value them and teach them what they need to know in order to become well rounded adults.

Setting aside emotional needs. What I want to do to set my DC up for modern life is to provide the following:

Books (lots, and see me & DH read)
Swimming lessons and extra sport (my DCs school doesn't do much team sport)
Ambition for travel (we talk a lot about going to different places, even if we can't afford to go yet)
Appropriate clothes for whatever they are going to
Facilitating them seeing friends and family as much as possible
Never over stretching so they have to withdraw from whatever hobby they are doing because I now can't afford it.

These are my priorities but they definitely reflect my DC. If I had a DC who was really talented at something or who had a particular ambition or need, then my priorities would probably be structured around that.