To ask you what you think children need

[Walktwoworlds]

It's so difficult to know how to word this thread.

What - for YOU - are the things you feel you must provide for a child?

Own room? Savings account for flat deposit / university / car? Holidays? Music / riding / dancing lessons? Private school?

I just don't know ... I worry a lot about being skint poor and not being able to ever give a child the childhood I had if that makes sense and feels unfair

Freedom from fear, loneliness, ridicule, anger, insecurity, indifference.

Plenty of boundaries, discipline, love, physical contact, verbal communication, even when they are too young to reply, and encouragement

Your time is the most valuable thing you can give to your child[ren]. And sadly that is the thing in the shortest supply.

I'm pretty sure a happy childhood has nothing at all to do with money.

One constant adult who loves you and is on your side, who puts you first, listens, has faith in you and encourages you.
A calm, safe home life with adults who don't fight, scream, blame their children for their own misery etc.
The basics: healthy food, warm clothes, a bed.
Opportunities to belong (so enough money to sometimes dress like your mates and do what they do, hang out in town etc or join a club.)
Opportunities to thrive and develop your interests. Money helps but it's not always the only way. I freecycled a piano once to a single mum who had no car and had to borrow a friend's van to pick it up. They had to carry it up three flights of stairs to her flat. Her son wanted to learn to play so she found a way for him to learn.

Money matters at some level because adults who are sick with worry about money can't find it easy to relax and have fun with their children, and it matters that children can participate in the culture they're born into, so a TV and computer and a phone these days are part of that for most UK children.

I genuinely think children born into a happy, loving, very low income home are better off than those in a wealthy home with no attention paid to them.

whichever poster said that children that have a working parent do better at school?? explain my ds then? he is top . group in class and I dont work. academic achievement is nothing to do with whether or not I am on benefits, it depends on the cholds natural ability and the parents willingness to help their children advance and learn. I cant take ds on holiday etc but dont expect others to pay for his school trip either, I always pay for his trips with school. I also take him to visit museums which are free and the nature reserve and take him bear hunting through the woods etc. you dont need money. time and attention is what is required

Sticking with the material/educational, I have an only, so he has his own room, although it's small.

Swimming lessons, and later driving lessons. And if they like playing a sport or a musical instrument or other hobby being able to pay for that and for trips overseas to learn a language. But they are both nice to haves - the swimming and driving (and riding a bike) are essential life skills. My dh's parents didn't teach him to ride a bike - he eventually learnt in his late 40s!

Having money for petrol to see family (or rail fares).

School trips (the day-trip kind) because it's horrible to be left out.

Someone once said on a Facebook discussion that it was essential to be able to take one's child out of school in the winter to learn ski-ing. Not sure that's an essential life skill but I'll put it out there ;)

Roots and wings.

Love, respect, security ... This.

I had ballet, violin, tennis, singing and piano lessons. We went camping in Europe for some weeks every summer and had British holidays in between. We had a bike each, went swimming as a family, took long hikes in beautiful countryside most weekends, had access to a plethora of books & art materials, and were encouraged to build our knowledge through curiosity. We baked & cooked together. My parents were not well-off through most of my childhood, but they understood the importance of 'fitting in' so we had adequate clothes and found ways (their parents, mostly) to get us the year's essential Christmas and birthday present. We had an old-fashioned Christmas tree, with decorations we made ourselves, and birthday parties.

For all of us, the overriding emotion associated with our childhood is fear. It has had lifetime effects on us. Each one of us struggles to feel we're good enough; we cope with this in various dysfunctional ways.

Respect your children for who they are, and for the ages they are. Do not make them earn praise. Be generous with your attention. Do not frighten them. Keep them warm, clean and fed. The rest of all that ^^ is quite cheap if you use your brains, but kindness is priceless.

Enough sleep.
A good sense of selfworth.
Love, affection, consistency.
Parents who put the childs needs forst.
To learn to be assertive rather than aggressive.
trustfunds and nest eggs are nice extras.
swimming is a life skill as is driving. Parents should def help with these.

Fatty, when a previous poster said children with working parents do better at school, they don't mean in every single individual case of course, but on average. It is quite possible for your children to do brilliantly while you don't work and for the children next door to do poorly whilst their parents both work, and for this statement to be true. It is one of those statements which is extremely difficult to test and prove either way.

I agree that unconditional love, security and boundaries are the most important.

If I could add a next level of importance, assuming the most important have already been met, I think that learning social skills, in order to function in the wider world is very useful as children grow up - these include a sense of respect for others, a sense of own self-worth and an ability to get along with a range of people.

In material terms, I agree that what you have isn't so important, but that having parents who are so much on the breadline that they constantly worry about money, cannot instill a feeling of security in children, although I know parents in this position often try to hide it from children and to protect them from it.

And I think the relationships the key adults around children are in, are important in shaping children too. Separation and divorce, whilst sometimes necessary, nevertheless have consequences for children. In an ideal world, I do think children would have 2 parents who are happy to be together.....experiencing separation or divorce is very hard for children. I know we are not in an ideal world though.
Being with a parent who has many partners who come and go over time seems very damaging in lots of ways to me. Children need security and consistency and if there are frequent new boyfriends and girlfriends, it can be difficult for the children to know where they fit it and if they are the priority. When children are involved it concerns me when parents introduce a new boyfriend/girlfriend quickly or move in together quickly. Some children go through this multiple times, and I can't see that this can help with them feeling secure.

Feeling like a valued part of a family is important - building shared memories together, knowing that you are important and would be much missed if you weren't around, gives you a sense of belonging.

To feel loved / valued and have basic needs met. Anything else is a bonus.

Agree - love, security, your time and attention. Everything else is indeed a bonus!

I grew up in what would be considered poverty in the West (never went hungry / cold though) but I had the happiest childhood ever and never felt that anything was lacking, because I always felt that I had the absolute unconditional love and respect of my parents who gave me their time, attention and support, and always had my back.

I know that material things matter, and do spoil my DC with toys / days out / treats etc, but that is becase I didn't have many of these things growing up and want them to have the best of everything that I can give them. I will try to save money for DC for uni, property, car etc., but I think the most important things to give a child are love, food, roof over their head, certainty that you'll always be there for them, and teaching them about the right and wrong and importance of being kind, hardworking and generous with others.

Exactly what Gallic said. If you read her first paragraph it sounds idyllic and like her family gave loads of attention to their children. This is nothing if you live with a constant pit of anxiety in your stomach and you feel worthless because no one has ever made you feel worthwhile deep down.

OP we all make mistakes. My DC are early teens and I look back on stuff I got so wrong all through their childhood and it's too late now to undo those things and change the behaviour I encouraged. But if you do your best and you're there and you are easy to trust and like as a parent, then you really don't need to care about the material stuff so much.

Stuff ski-ing.
Mine were taken ski-ing in the winter and sailing in the summer by their paternal grandparents and their father every year from age 5 till they turned 18 and all they learned was to be unhappy in the winter that they can't go now because they don't have an income or allowance to support that lifestyle. Their dad and his parents just go without them now. Making it worse in a funny way.

Love, a warm home, food, clothing (Primani Dd calls it: twas fine for an Oxford interview. They each have one pair of diesel jeans: thats the sum of their designer clothing even now, all else is cheap stuff from sales)

A good education, a sense of belonging to family who love them unconditionally, a sense of community, a sense of right and wrong, some fun and joy, friends round to tea, being able to go to pop festivals when they are that age, or the cinema, enough pocket money to hang out with friends, a laptop, a mobile phone. Music lessons if they want, ballet and karate if they want, parents going to their shows and concerts, being able to go to birthday parties with a nicely wrapped present. Being able to go on school trips. Knowing you are on their side always come what may. Helping them with school projects.

Bicycles, Helping with driving lessons. Helping with university costs. Helping with holiday /travel costs.

A fund for emergencies, weddings, deposits etc.

Knowing that they are loved as they are, even if they don't do well in exams, etc.

Personally I think that one thing we can all do - well most of us, anyway - is to take time to read to our children every night, or have them read to us. Half an hour of time cuddling up with a book is really important. Needn't be new books, it's fun to go the the library and choose.

Similarly I think that sitting round a table for dinner/tea is important and the child having that time with their parents because it's time for discussion.

Essential to a well balanced child - lots of love, positive attention, your time, interest, acceptance. All this on top of other essentials - warmth, shelter, basic clothes, education.

Then there are extras which are utterly materialistic yet totally meaningless on an emotional level - designer clothes, latest gadgets, expensive holidays.

A routine, eg they know to expect breakfast every morning, lunch at lunch time etc.
Clean clothes, a bed of their own with clean bedding.
A clean and tidy house.
Books, stories, games, walks, love.

oh yes and pocket money that is their own, to spend (waste) on what they want. No strings attached to the pocket money, they get it how ever much of a shit theyve been that week. It doesnt have to be much but it has to theirs. Not borrowed back or only allowed to be spent on approved items, or conditional on behaviour.

I agree with GallicIsCharlie's post above. I had a materially idyllic childhood that was absolutely miserable. My parents have almost zero social insight, they modelled a very poor relationship between themselves, they were both unhappy and abusive to each other. My sister and I have had to learn how to be adults from scratch, through trial and error (and in my case at least, being effectively socially an adolescent in my late 20s/early 30s).

What i think is important: teaching them how to be a good, useful person.

Kind rather than self-seeking.
Compassionate rather than censorious.
Hardworking rather than attention-seeking.
Ethical rather than moralistic.
Articulate rather than gobby.
Humble rather than selfconscious.
Insightful rather than pseudointellectual or snobbish.
Assertive rather than aggressive.

Most of all, secure and able to cope with things, rather than insecure/domineering/sluggish/wet.

I think it's really important to spending time with them that is enjoyable and achieves something, rather than time spent with them while you're being nostalgic or making plans for things to be better in future, while everything in the present is trivially annoying/difficult/not to be enjoyed for some reason. Family fun outings to amazing places, where inevitably both parents' conversation is mostly about tearing other people to shreds; one parent snarls and slams doors, the other one gangs up with one child against the other child, children get teased and then told off for being sullen or badly-behaved or spoilt, then children then get immense loads of crap bought for them "because they've been so good" and then a minute later "are disgusting, sullen little pigs"... one trip to the supermarket where everyone was happy and modelling good behaviour would be better than a million overseas holidays like all the family outings I had as a child.

Food, drink, warmth, housing, clean clothes, somewhere comfortable to sleep, love.

If you have managed those, you are doing a good job.
If you haven't, please get in touch with a charity / church and find people who are desperate to help you give these things to your kids.

As for private school, ponies, Gina Ford routines, organic food, Mandarin lessons, skiing (!)- all keeping up with the Joneses stuff purely for the benefit of the parents. No one should ever be made to feel bad for not prividing these for their kids. Apart from the material essentials mentioned above, all kids need are time and love and someone to read books with them (and it doesn't matter if those books are from the library, or cost 10p from the charity shop). I really believe this.

Love, consistency wherever possible, emotional support, healthy food, warmth and shelter, lots of exercise and fresh air, games (imaginative fun stuff... not computer games), the chance to participate in the stuff that their whole class is involved in ( if they want to ).

And a bit of excitement every so often!

Children need parent/s that are able to put their needs before their own

Home must be a safe place
Parent/s that wonder in their children, who give them unconditional love
boundaries and help managing behaviour
opportunities to grow and develop emotionally and in education
lots of different types of experiences
resilience by helping them deal with failures as well as encourage success
meeting health needs including learning how to cook and manage a healthy diet
age appropriate independence
time

and once they have growing up, knowing that there will always be a bed for them to come and stay at should things go tits up

Gosh payuktax, mine never had a clean and tidy house or a routine and though (in theory) they had beds of their own, they often didn 't use them.

Unconditional love, comfort, security, a full belly and a comfortable bed. A safe environment to test boundaries. Opportunities - to experience what life has to offer. Positive role models to help them develop tolerance of others, kindness and manners.

For me, I also want them to grow up with a strong work ethic and to understand they need to work for what they want. We will not pay for house deposits or cars for that reason but we do pay for private education and will pay for uni.

In the short term
space to play
little clubs and groups (pre school), one hobby to keep when hobbies get more expensive
Clothes that are suitable and not embarrassing for them (no names needed tho)
Santa to visit every year

Long term I would not be able to save what my parents did for me my left over pay is nowhere near my df's but I would like to pay for driving lessons if I can.

In our area my dc will not be the poorest kid with those things

Very few of these are actually needs rather than wants but here are the material things (and some non material) that I would like my kids to be able to have:
Decent shoes
Swimming lessons/teach them myself
Family holidays-about making memories
Welcome to have friends over to play
Able to participate in hobbies that they take an interest in
When younger some hobbies groups to spark their interest!
Some help through uni
Some help to buy a house
Driving lessons and license
Some toys
Lots of books or regular visits to the library
Time outdoors regularly - parks, walks etc
Respect for who they are
Help with homework and extra help if they need it with school
Friends, I can't give them this but if they found it difficult then I would do my best to help them find friends
Birthday celebrations
Xmas stocking