Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU about DH and computer game? MN jury please.

149 replies

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 05:27

Honest opinions wanted - I would normally check with DH whether IABU but he has a vested interest in this one. I've promised him I'll go with the majority verdict.

I work full time - 40h a week public sector, 10h a week private sector plus on call one weekend and 4 weeknights a month. DH is a SAHD and during school hours, does all the paperwork and financial side of my private practice. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, he does dog walking / DIY / gardening / bins / childcare before and after school. Evenings we do childcare together (in terms of bath and bedtime, clearing up, lunches for the next day etc).

DH wants to start playing a computer game. It's mathematical, played online with a group of 11 others and he thinks will take about an hour a day. He says it will keep his mind active and give him a break from the mundanity of house stuff and childcare.

He would be happy to do this in his evening downtime but I don't want him to as I would like to spend my evenings with him. He has time while the boys are at school in and around the other jobs to allow him to do it during the day.

I am resenting the fact that I work full time while he gets to sit on his arse at home playing computer games. However as he points out, many other SAHP go out for coffee with friends in the day, do their own hobbies, go biking, etc. He would do all the household stuff he does now and it wouldn't affect the business, or take his attention from the boys.

So why do I feel so resentful of it? Him getting a job isn't an option as we couldn't afford the childcare in the holidays (boys are 8 & 7 so not being left alone at home for long periods any time soon) on what he would be likely to earn. I feel that IABU to say no to this, but at the same time it irritates me.

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 17/02/2015 09:21

Hang on- so you like to be in charge of the shopping, the cooking and the homework- which strike me as three significant chunks of a SAHP's responsibility.

I would have been very pissed off with Dp if he had insisted on doing those things. I wouldn't have felt like an equal partner at all..........

Original poster

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 09:21

Fillybuster I have no downtime in my working day. At all.

The outline is: arrive 8am, see patients to 8:20 (anywhere between 1 and 6 people), check machine and draw up drugs to 8:30, start list 8:30. Operations run back to back until (supposedly) 12:30 but more realistically 12:45-13:00. Which gives me 15-30 mins to start again from the top and kick the afternoon list off at 13:15. Last patient into recovery at 6pm, into changing rooms, walk to car / bike via recovery to make sure last patient awake / comfortable, leave around 6:15 to home or karate by 6:30.

But it's what I love doing.

OP posts:

Transporter · 17/02/2015 09:22

Fair play for admitting YWBU (so very, very, very unreasonable).

I'm suprised you do the shopping at the weekend though. It would be so much easier for your DH to do it during the week or for you to do online.

Kittymum03 · 17/02/2015 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 09:24

Hak I like to cook. I'm very happy to relinquish shopping and homework (I would still look through the books with them before they went to bed because I'm interested but with it all done - 5 mins max).

I've just sort of fallen into the role of "person who does shopping" as I am also "person who plans and cooks meals" (I like cooking, DH is rubbish at meal planning - he won't think that for dinner to be ready at 8, it needs to be on at 2 because he's not hungry for it at 2). However there's no reason why DH couldn't shop in the week - would be much less busy and he'd probably get it done a lot faster.

OP posts:

Original poster

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 09:28

kittymum He's already researching strategies, he'd gone with the majority view (as had I!) after the first few posts :)

I think I'll suggest that he does the grocery shop in the week though, and we can get spare lunchboxes so he can make them a day in advance. Other than that I think we do both put a lot of work into our lives, in different ways. I may work more hours but I chose to - and I enjoy it, in spite of the relentlessness of it, whereas I suspect he'd love to be the one working full time too.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/02/2015 09:29

But if he ever did any cooking he might realise that stuff can take a while!

Surely if you/both of you made a meal plan he could make sure that the ingredients are in the house ready?

I think you should start cooking together tbh.

jay55 · 17/02/2015 09:29

Yabu if it is just an hour. It's no different from watching a soap or reading a book at lunch.

If it extends to all day and nothing getting done then it's different.

Original poster

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 09:29

Thanks all for input and viewpoints, it's 10:30pm so am going to sleep before it all starts again tomorrow morning. DH would say thank you as well but he's snoring already :)

OP posts:

nilbyname · 17/02/2015 09:46

Well done for taking it on the chin.

Also, you sound like a good mate of mine. you have the martyr complex, you need to let some things go.

give him a list for the shopping, he will learn what to get.
let him do the packed lunches- so much easier

youre holding on too tight, and you will burn out if this continues.

TyrannosaurusBex · 17/02/2015 09:47

Hmm. I have some (bitter!) experience of this kind of thing.

My initial reaction was that YABU as he now intends to play during the day. However...

My DH used to play World of Warcraft. It started off as an hour in the early evenings but then got progressively worse until it was all evening every day until after midnight. We had a talk and limited it to three evenings a week after 7. Unfortunately, DH was leading a guild, whatever that is in WoW-speak, and HAD to be online at 7, so it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing, by 6 he'd be panicking about getting home to be online. I suggested that during the summer he start later in the evening, but no, some of the players were in different time zones so that wouldn't work. We couldn't go out on those evenings. He wouldn't take calls. It was extremely limiting, plus he'd play until 3am and be irritable on the evenings he wasn't playing.

We ended up having a complete stranger DH had met through WoW come to stay with us during a business trip. I was uncomfortable as none of us had ever met him but DH felt that he knew him as he'd made some 'ethical' decisions regarding the game, whereas I personally don't feel that somebody's dealings with computer-generated dragons count for a lot.

I finally insisted he give it up. Luckily, DH conceded that he was pretty much addicted to the game and agreed that it had to go.

The level of commitment to a computer game that your DH is proposing rings warning bells for me.

Jennco · 17/02/2015 10:08

Sorry but YABU :( being at home because you cant get the right job and cant afford childcare is torture, its depressing and so very boring.

As he is doing it during the day its not bothering you? At least he told you about it :D

Jennco · 17/02/2015 10:09

Oops, sorry for not reading the whole thread :O

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 17/02/2015 10:10

If he wants to do a PhD, and your boys are now full time school, wouldn't it be a better idea (for him, his career, your partnership, your joint future - everything) for this hour of desperately needed brain exercise to be the lead in for his doctorate, rather than a computer game?

Research in his field and around his field. Reading reading reading, looking at what other people are doing/have done. Where the field is going. Sources of funding, if appropriate.

That would be time extremely well spent. Time which would almost certainly speed up the PhD progression.

And I have a feeling that you would, while you prep those lunches after your ten-hour day which includes absolutely no downtime at all, day after day and month after month, feel no resentment at that at all.

fluffyraggies · 17/02/2015 10:41

I think i'm being a bit thick. I've changed my mind about 4 times while reading this thread. I started out thinking you were being VVVVV unreasonable. Trying to control what the SAH parent does with their time.

I'm a SAHM. 3 teens, 1 one year old.

We have 5 adult sized people in this house (1 is a builder - filthy set of chunky outdoor clothes every day), i am a clean freak, and i never need to be doing laundry in the evening (no tumble drier either)

We don't have a cleaner, and i do ALL the cooking and shopping. Large ish house, no dishwasher. Pets. Rural and muddy. I still have chunks of time free during an average day.

I know DH has the business paperwork to do - but what the hell else IS he doing during day? If he doesn't shop, doesn't cook and doesn't clean? I'm talking time consuming daily stuff.

I still think that if you're not happy with him doing something in the evening then you cant complain if he wants to do it in the daytime instead ... --and god knows he must have plenty of time free-

You've said YABU, i know. But there are so many issues here! One of them is: your relationship wont suffer just because you do separate things for an hour (or even 2) at the end of a working day.

(one small thing i don't get is why you need to be getting dinner on at 2 if you want it at 8)

Footle · 17/02/2015 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 17/02/2015 11:23

I'm the same fluffyraggies. I still don't think op should tell her husband what he can do with his time in between housework (she has taken this on board so not an issue now anyway), but I'm shocked by how little this sahd actually does.

Only a tiny minority of people like housework, but it just has to be done and I couldn't be pursuing a hobby while the family income paid for someone to clean around me. I do accept that this is me though and that lots of households will pay for a cleaner and have a stay at home parent. However in this case the op has built up a degree of resentment, which isn't unreasonable.

DemelzaandRoss · 17/02/2015 11:24

I think it is fine for him to have an hour off during the day. Being a SAHM myself, I know that I'm not 'busy' all day. ( No young children ) evenings are different. But surely if you wanted to meet a friend for a chat when you've got a window, then that would be ok too. If you yourself never have any spare time then you need to re-evaluate the situation.

Hakluyt · 17/02/2015 11:33

I find the idea of these boys being brought up to belive that women do the shopping and cooking a bit problematic to be honest. And that whatever else a woman is doing she is in charge of what goes on in the home......

diddl · 17/02/2015 11:46

I also agree an hr off is fine.

But like others, I can't help thinking, "an hr off from what?"

JCDenton · 17/02/2015 12:24

Also, I play a lot of games and find that I start something, think big like your DH has at first, reckon I won't play anything else for a year but end up getting bored after 10-15 hours play. Same goes for other projects, the only one I've stuck to as well as I thought I would is language learning. So it might not end up being a problem at all.

JessieMcJessie · 17/02/2015 12:55

Your description of your working day concerns me- 10 hour days without enough of a break to allow you to have a wee or eat lunch, when you work in a truly life-and-death environment? I'm sorry but if I were a patient relying on your skills as an anaesthetist to keep me alive I would be extremely worried to know the level of pressure you were under. Don't you owe it to your patients to try to change this?

And get your DH to do the shopping!

fredfredgeorgejnr · 17/02/2015 13:25

diddl from feeling guilty that he's not meeting the demands of the OP.

He's in a relationship where he feels he has to ask permission on how he spends an hour, and in a relationship where the OP feels (although at least she's not changed her mind) it's appropriate to withhold that permission.

diddl · 17/02/2015 13:41

I don't think that he was asking permission, more when would it work best?

Perhaps OP does place too much emphasis/pressure on them all being together of an evening.

And does too much leaving him next to nothing to do.

But then he could look at getting a job or taking more on housewise if it isn't working for him.

I also agree with Jessie

2x5hr shifts that overlap.

How is that even legal??

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread