AIBU about DH and computer game? MN jury please.

[HicDraconis]

Honest opinions wanted - I would normally check with DH whether IABU but he has a vested interest in this one. I've promised him I'll go with the majority verdict.

I work full time - 40h a week public sector, 10h a week private sector plus on call one weekend and 4 weeknights a month. DH is a SAHD and during school hours, does all the paperwork and financial side of my private practice. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, he does dog walking / DIY / gardening / bins / childcare before and after school. Evenings we do childcare together (in terms of bath and bedtime, clearing up, lunches for the next day etc).

DH wants to start playing a computer game. It's mathematical, played online with a group of 11 others and he thinks will take about an hour a day. He says it will keep his mind active and give him a break from the mundanity of house stuff and childcare.

He would be happy to do this in his evening downtime but I don't want him to as I would like to spend my evenings with him. He has time while the boys are at school in and around the other jobs to allow him to do it during the day.

I am resenting the fact that I work full time while he gets to sit on his arse at home playing computer games. However as he points out, many other SAHP go out for coffee with friends in the day, do their own hobbies, go biking, etc. He would do all the household stuff he does now and it wouldn't affect the business, or take his attention from the boys.

So why do I feel so resentful of it? Him getting a job isn't an option as we couldn't afford the childcare in the holidays (boys are 8 & 7 so not being left alone at home for long periods any time soon) on what he would be likely to earn. I feel that IABU to say no to this, but at the same time it irritates me.

If you put in a formal flexible working request to drop one shift, OP, what do you think would happen?

I think it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship actually. You both pitch in hugely in different ways.

larry It's not "my" hobby. It started out as something my older son did, which his younger brother thought looked fun so joined in, which I then thought looked like a good way to get fit and lose weight so I joined in, then DH joined us because he wanted to. We all do karate, all at a similar level and all train in the same classes.

Kittymum he is doing the laundry, walking the dogs, doing the business accounting and finances, sorting out paperwork, DIY, gardening, sorting out building things (we've just finished building our house), building a media server for some friends of ours and loading it up .... up until now he hasn't had downtime in the day either. However the house project is coming to a close and his list of jobs is getting shorter, so the opportunity is now arising.

The enforced "partner time" is mostly us spending time watching TV together, playing games, chatting about our day / planning future house stuff / holidays. It's not all evening - like now we're in bed I'm on MN and he's reading up on Planets strategies next to me :) if he wanted to read or study, or call home, or whatever - he'd do that in an evening. He mostly chooses to spend his evenings with me because even though we've been married 10 years, we still adore each other's company :) he wouldn't play his Planets turn in the evenings as it's on the bottom level of the house - currently even if we do different things we're in the same room.

If they don't need the money, why should the OP's DH go out to earn any? I very much doubt if a bit of bar work or freelance book keeping is going to bring in what a private medic earns! I was a bit about her doing the cooking, but that is her choice. I might be a bit resentful of the cleaner, if I were her, though............

Mind you, when we were in similar circumstances I had money that was mine to do what I liked with, and occasionally used some to pay a cleaner( aka my friend) to help with a massive spring or pre Christmas clean/clutter clear.....,

If I were you I'd have a look at the game and be sure that you'd be OK with your kids playing it too, because if your holidays are going to be built around it, your kids are going to get interested and want to play IMO. Sounds quite good as a game.

YABU of course but you know that.

I'm a full-time HCP with a SAHD partner (but nothing like as demanding a role as yours). I know that the dynamic can be a little odd and sometimes the roles we assume seem to veer alarmingly towards a very traditional setup. More traditional in our house in that dh cooks every night (though he's the Jewish one - maybe that's why??) Incidentally he couldn't cook at all when we met.

Two things occur. I wonder if for years, you have survived and been a good doctor by taking everything on. There's no room in medicine for someone who doesn't step up to the plate and pull their weight, especially as a ?GP? and perhaps somewhere you still worry that someone will say you are not doing everything you can possibly do. What if you had an hour to yourself to do something selfish that benefited nobody else? It actually wouldn't kill either you or your dh to have one day a week where he cooked. Say you had that time and you didn't spend it with your family - what would you do? Sleep? Run? Read Jackie Collins? * Even play Candy Crush?

I am like others, and perhaps you, in wondering whether despite talking about holidays and weekends you aren't secretly feeling that your dh should take a job. That, after all, is why every TA job in the land has a queue of parents applying for it - a lot of people need, and even get, term time school hours working. Are your financial goals met? Obviously you will be earning a good wage but is it good enough to do what you would like to do/have the pension you would both like?

*I'm old.

Hakluyt I was just putting the idea out there that dh could probably find work if he really wanted to. I've already said it probably wouldn't pay nearly as much as the op but I also said perhaps it not just about the money. Just throwing some ideas about that's all as op seems to be doing an awful lot of hours.

I've done everything from being a full time senior manager (while dh stayed home) to working part time in a bar and now a sahm .. I think life can work in many ways for different families at different times.

See this over and over in friends relationships where the woman is the main earner. She can't let go because she wants kids and home to be her domaine. He is undermined and loses confidence. She is resentful that he is around the children more. Both have to deal with other people's snide remarks - her for not seeing enough of kids him for not having a job.

Really gets me cross couples that do this are anecdotally usually really nice people and it should be supported that they are pushing against the norm.

My point about 'partner time' is mostly that illustrates how at odds I am with most people on the thread but, I still take proper holidays. It's support to you on the holiday issue.

Why can't he get a job? Is he unqualified? Childcare / summer care for two children isn't that expensive.

You sound very harsh to me. Why shouldn't he get an hour a day to relax?! My DH gets half an hour/an hour to play his game a few nights a week. He has a stressful job and it relaxes him. So he plays, I read/MN/potter and we occasionally chat at the same time. It's still time for us but we're also doing something we both need and want to do after a hard day at work for him, and at home with a small baby for me.

I am a SAHP. I do DH's accounts, tax returns etc. Unless you have the most complicated business ever this does not take hours per day. We have a cleaner.

I also do the laundry during the day (why wouldn't you?). And when DCs had packed lunches I did those to. Packed lunches are not cooking. They are "construction".

I totally understand you wanting to cook in the evenings. And it works for you all. But seriously? Seriously? He can do packed lunches and laundry during the day.

Knickerful yes, business admin is the private work. I did put in a request to drop a public session, it was denied as there wasn't a spare person to be able to take up the slot.

Judge 1. he doesn't do the cleaning (cleaner), or the shopping (me at weekends) or the cooking (me at weekends and in the week). School run he does most days. He also takes them to their hobbies but he's taking himself and me too :) he covers all sick days and holidays which I know makes me very lucky. 2. It's a turn based game. There are so many turns a week which get emailed out to the 12 players. They then have so long in which to analyse developments, plan their next turn and send it in. So you don't have to run it around anyone else's schedule but they all have to send their turns in by the deadline. Normally 3-4 turns per week.

Fairylea you have a very good point about translatable skills. He may well be able to set up some kind of business from home once the boys are older - wil suggest it to him. I think he is bored now the house is built and looking for another project. Interestingly it's not at all about the money (although if he did bring enough in for me to drop a session - always supposing I can persuade one of the others to pick it up!) - if he wanted to do his PhD I'd be more than happy to support him through that, or any other study or qualification.

Sounds like he has a lot more than an hour a day free actually!

Why on earth do you do so much? If you don't trust him to food shop why don't you order online?

i don't really understand why you do so much OP.

What time do the kids get in & what time do you?

i don't really get why their homework isn't done, or why he's doing laundry at that time.

How long is it for, I know 1 hour a day but it is ongoing or will he finish the game at some point?

I think YANBU in some respects, of course he can fit it in with his day time activities and that won't affect you but think long term.

I think I would be irritated on a daily basis during holidays, weekends, days off etc if DH was sloping off to play a game

Hak no, I love having the cleaner. No resentment there - I don't want to do it at weekends, DH really really doesn't like cleaning and I like having a clean house :) very happy to pay for that because we both win. It's family money, not mine - he's as happy to spend it on having someone clean as I am.

meandjulio anaesthetist, not GP :)

Wips he's overqualified for any work locally and has an interesting skill set. However many of his skills are transferrable to other areas so will be looking into that.

JoMunro He does the laundry in the daytime too. 2 boys, 2 dogs, a muddy garden under construction, the boys swimming at school 3 consecutive days a week and only one gi each with karate 4 days a week plus my delicates (I have far too many hand wash only clothes, which he also does) adds up to laundry daytimes and evenings.

Sorry I need to add a bit. It would piss me off, but, equally I wouldn't presume to not 'let' him do it so it's tricky.

God does that even make sense I don't do double negatives so I can't tell....

Can he build media servers for others, for money?

Is it more tax efficient for you to pay him to do your accounts and reduce your own drawings? Or are you not structured that way?

I'm astonished the number of people who think it's at all reasonable that one partner can dictate how the other spends their time, or that one person has to ask permission to do something.

Hopefully as the OP gave the decision to the thread, he can get some enjoyment back into his life.

Like lottiegarbanzo, I find the idea of "enforced partner time" truly horrible...

Does this game have a conclusion? I would be, mmm, concerned if my OH embarked on such a high maintenance game that didn't have a resolution to it at some defined point.

Fwiw your set up sound very much like mine and dh's about 4 years ago, although with roles reversed him the Dr working long hours and me the FT sahp. I think having a relationship where you can talk honestly about expectations (even if they are unreasonable) and frustrations with each other in a measured and reflective manner are perfectly fine. You get to nip bigger problems and potential huge resentments and arguments in the bud before they really have time to develop.
When my dc were your dc's age I was spending 'my' time (that wasn't managing the house/finances/dog walking/after school club transporting) on studying to get back into my profession. Now I work PT with a view to returning FT. Holiday childcare was my sticking point but as it turn out isn't as financially ruinous as I had previously imagined.

" he's as happy to spend it on having someone clean as I am."

I bet he is!

I'm going to try that one on my husband as I don't like cleaning either.

Ehric the joys of online shopping have yet to make it to rural NZ, plus I don't think the delivery lorry could make it down our driveway (4x4 steepness). It's not that I don't trust him to do the shopping, it's just easier as I'm cooking it. I could give him a list, he'd get everything on it.

diddl DH picks boys up from school at 3. Tuesday afternoon they have soccer to 5.30, Friday afternoon they have junior sparring until 5.30, Thursday afternoon DS2 has a music lesson (DH and DS1 walk dogs), Monday & Wednesday night they get in at 3. I get in 6.30 most nights (I finish around 6:15 and it's a ten minute commute).

The holidays and weekends thing doesn't bother me.

Maybe we can look at doing homework Monday and Wednesday - though I like to know what they're up to at school too!

YAB very U but I do understand why.

I suspect you're a GP or similar, so probably have waaaay less 'down' time in your working day than most people, but to be fair, there's no difference between your dh playing an hour a day and the lunch/fag/coffee/water cooler breaks that people take in my office during the course of a working day.

I suspect that many people take a lot more than an hour off during the course of a busy day, and it does sound as though your dh is pulling his weight.

It's not fair to say he can't have a little bit of down time, just because you don't get to sit down with a cup of tea now and again....

Knickerful yes, we're structured so that some of the private income pays him to do the accounts. So he is being paid to be at home and to be fair the accounts are always up to date, tax returns submitted on time etc.

Laminated yes, the game finishes when one person wins and becomes Supreme Overlord (or something) by wiping out the other empires. It can take months. And yes, we do have the kind of relationship where we can talk honestly about how anything and everything makes us feel. Which is how I know he feels odd about playing games in "work" time but would rather play then than in the evenings, and he knows I wasn't initially happy about it either.

But you can look at stuff & talk about it without having to do the homework with them.

I mean if they go to bed at 7 & you get in at 6.30, surely the homework should be finished before then, unless they are up later when they have activities>

But if they are home not long after 3 on a couple of days, that's plenty of time for an hr's break plus homework!