Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU about DH and computer game? MN jury please.

149 replies

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 05:27

Honest opinions wanted - I would normally check with DH whether IABU but he has a vested interest in this one. I've promised him I'll go with the majority verdict.

I work full time - 40h a week public sector, 10h a week private sector plus on call one weekend and 4 weeknights a month. DH is a SAHD and during school hours, does all the paperwork and financial side of my private practice. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, he does dog walking / DIY / gardening / bins / childcare before and after school. Evenings we do childcare together (in terms of bath and bedtime, clearing up, lunches for the next day etc).

DH wants to start playing a computer game. It's mathematical, played online with a group of 11 others and he thinks will take about an hour a day. He says it will keep his mind active and give him a break from the mundanity of house stuff and childcare.

He would be happy to do this in his evening downtime but I don't want him to as I would like to spend my evenings with him. He has time while the boys are at school in and around the other jobs to allow him to do it during the day.

I am resenting the fact that I work full time while he gets to sit on his arse at home playing computer games. However as he points out, many other SAHP go out for coffee with friends in the day, do their own hobbies, go biking, etc. He would do all the household stuff he does now and it wouldn't affect the business, or take his attention from the boys.

So why do I feel so resentful of it? Him getting a job isn't an option as we couldn't afford the childcare in the holidays (boys are 8 & 7 so not being left alone at home for long periods any time soon) on what he would be likely to earn. I feel that IABU to say no to this, but at the same time it irritates me.

OP posts:

Treaclepot · 17/02/2015 07:47

What does he do in the day? I often wonder this about SAHPs with kids in school.
That aside, is this any worse than him reading/going to the gym/watching tv,
Either you say you aren't happy with being the sole earner, or you get him working. Very few people don't work at all with kids in school. In fact I can only think of two out of the parents of my four kids.

But if you are happy for him not to work you have absolutely no right telling him what to do.

Treaclepot · 17/02/2015 07:47

(Thinking about it a couple don't work but are at uni)

mildlyacquiescent · 17/02/2015 07:49

I'll be a lone voice of dissent.

Computer games really, really irritate me too, OP.

Grown men (and women) wasting their minds and time and expanding their arses while the screen goes beep beep beep, pow pow...

I'd lose respect for my husband if that was his idea of a good time. I won't say YABU because it would piss me off, too.

Scrumbled · 17/02/2015 07:49

Yabvu

Mammanat222 · 17/02/2015 07:50

Can you not just view his hour a day (when kids are at school) as his lunch break?

JCDenton · 17/02/2015 07:51

If I didn't get an hour to myself a day, I'd literally, literally go insane. He's been very considerate to ask you and I'm quite surprised you resent it.

Morloth · 17/02/2015 07:52

Yeah, I am quietly hoping the OP has switched the genders.

I would have told DH to pull his fucking head in when I was a SAHM had he reacted like that. I used to go to the gym everyday and that took more than an hour.

Bloody Hell.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 17/02/2015 07:54

I'm just curious as to what the game is called?!

JCDenton · 17/02/2015 07:54

Grown men (and women) wasting their minds and time and expanding their arses while the screen goes beep beep beep, pow pow..

I assume you feel the same way about TV, film and 99.9% of the internet, then?

WD41 · 17/02/2015 07:59

Yabu

I work part time and if DH told me I couldn't MN for an hour whilst DD was at preschool, or couldn't watch a film because it was family time in the evening I don't think I'd be held responsible for my actions

Ragwort · 17/02/2015 08:02

You sound totally, utterly unreasonable and controlling (and you are a Doctor ) - why on earth does one adult have the 'right' to tell another adult how to spend their time. .

As so many others have said, if this was a man telling his wife she couldn't spend an hour of her own time doing what she wanted there is no doubt that she would be told to LTB. Perhaps that's what we should tell your DH . Actually your DH sounds rather afraid of you in that he is 'seeking your permission' before taking up a new hobby. .

My DH wouldn't have dreamed of questioned how I spent my time when I was a SAHM - just as I don't tell him what to do with his evenings/weekends - besides checking in with each other that one of us is around for the DC our 'free time' is just that - free to do what we want.

MrsDumbledore · 17/02/2015 08:04

I thought you were being unreasonable until I saw the bit about never having a day away from it and needing to plan holiday around A GAME. that seems really weird abd cultish to me! A hobby that takes a few hours a week is one thing (although from dh's recent obsession with mountain bikes I know even that can be annoying when you have a family, but I also logically know IABU about it!). But one that apparently HAS to be done for an hour every single day, that seems to put too much importance on it.
Still at least he spoke to you about it, rather than getting sucked in then being all defensive when I complained about it later like my dh probably would have!

Nolim · 17/02/2015 08:06

Leisure time is time well spent unless it is an insane amount of time. 1h sounds fine imo.

Nearasdammit · 17/02/2015 08:08

YABU however - how can he guarantee it'll only be an hour a day?!

I know from experience how addictive any sort of computer-y rule game can be used to take the odd sickie in order to complete a level in Crash Bandicoot

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2015 08:08

Yabu but you know it really. It is easy to judge your husband's stay at home role as the easy one but have you tried the long long long hours of seeing no-one, boring housework and general drudgery that comes with being at home in the daytime? This is what you both decided would be best. There's no indication that you think he won't be able to do everything that needs to get done sorted because of this game. I think you have a "the grass is greener on the other side" issue.

ArmyDad · 17/02/2015 08:09

I'm on your side OP if I find out my DW had furrowed her time whole I've been working out drives me potty. Just to make sure she's been working hard I slip on the white glove and inspect the house for cleanliness. Only then do I let her have some time to herself!

diddl · 17/02/2015 08:14

Is it because it's essentially playing a game, or that he has told you?

My husband knows that I'm not working every second that I'm alone in the house.

He knows that I MN, have a coffee, go for a bike ride, go swimming.

But spare him the details!

diddl · 17/02/2015 08:15

That should have been I spare him the details.

Original poster

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 08:15

Wow. I think I accepted I was being unreasonable way way way upthread.

Whoever asked - no, I don't get a lunch break at work. Most of the time I am lucky to get a 5 min wee break (and then I have to call a colleague to come in and cover me while I'm out - if they are busy then I have to hold on, which has become more interesting since having the children). I work 10h days, 2 x 5h sessions. As one list finishes the other is starting and there is no time in the middle for anything other than seeing my afternoon patients. Lunch is invariably either skipped, or eaten in the car on my way home from work.

I think I'm just resenting the fact that DH gets all this "him time" while the boys are at school, which I don't get because I'm at work. And it's not me time - I don't get to do anything other than work and concentrate - which you would want, given that I spend my day keeping people alive. When I get home, I still don't stop working because then I start cooking, prepping lunches, clearing up the kitchen, being with my children... my down time starts at 7pm ish when they're in bed, dinner is cleared away and we sit down together, while DH obviously gets extra free time in the week, as well as the evenings with me.

He didn't ask my permission - he's a grown adult and can do what he chooses. However as we have a partnership based on respect for each others' feelings, he wanted to discuss what is going to be an ongoing commitment in terms of whether I was OK with it. He felt uncomfortable playing games while I was working too! We talked about it, I said I was irritated but thought it was probably not a reasonable way to feel and that I would ask on here - and we both decided that whatever the opinion was on here, we would go with it.

Oh and I don't run my finger along the mantlepiece. For one thing, we don't have one. And for another thing, DH hates cleaning and I don't have the time to do it, so we have a cleaner.

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 17/02/2015 08:18

Why are you cooking, clearing the kitchen and prepping lunches? Why are you doing anything except being with the children?

Original poster

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 08:18

Oh - yes, it's only an hour a day. It's a turn based game called Planets. He can probably cut it down to 30min a day if he has to - although he didn't tell me that initially.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/02/2015 08:19

Right. So maybe he needs to do more, prep the lunches himself? It does seem unnecessary for you to get home and be doing little chores for the next day that he could easily do.
But having very little downtime is the consequence of working and being a parent. I get that conpletely but equally I would never choose to be a sahm - would you? If you could swap positions? Give up the job you worked so hard for and that you are good at? I suspect not. Or maybe you would and that's the key to this?

Original poster

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 08:21

Hak DH doesn't like cooking (and to be fair, isn't that good at it) - we have an open plan kitchen / dining space so we can all be together while I cook. I am cooking at the same time as helping boys with their homework, asking them about their day etc. I also involve the boys in dinner prep as much as possible, because I want them to be able to cook for themselves once they leave home. So I supervise them chopping the veges, boiling water for pasta, making the meatballs etc. It's one of the fun parts of the day.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 17/02/2015 08:22

Op when you get home you shouldn't need to do anything other than spend time with the dc if dh is at home all day and they are at school. At the ages of your dc that time from when you get in onwards should be your "downtime". I think it's the fact you obviously have no time to yourself at all.

Fairylea · 17/02/2015 08:23

Sorry cross posted. If you enjoy cooking fair enough but really I don't see why dh can't buy a few cook books / look on you tube and learn how to make some basic meals so you can have more time to relax.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6