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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DH and computer game? MN jury please.

149 replies

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 05:27

Honest opinions wanted - I would normally check with DH whether IABU but he has a vested interest in this one. I've promised him I'll go with the majority verdict.

I work full time - 40h a week public sector, 10h a week private sector plus on call one weekend and 4 weeknights a month. DH is a SAHD and during school hours, does all the paperwork and financial side of my private practice. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, he does dog walking / DIY / gardening / bins / childcare before and after school. Evenings we do childcare together (in terms of bath and bedtime, clearing up, lunches for the next day etc).

DH wants to start playing a computer game. It's mathematical, played online with a group of 11 others and he thinks will take about an hour a day. He says it will keep his mind active and give him a break from the mundanity of house stuff and childcare.

He would be happy to do this in his evening downtime but I don't want him to as I would like to spend my evenings with him. He has time while the boys are at school in and around the other jobs to allow him to do it during the day.

I am resenting the fact that I work full time while he gets to sit on his arse at home playing computer games. However as he points out, many other SAHP go out for coffee with friends in the day, do their own hobbies, go biking, etc. He would do all the household stuff he does now and it wouldn't affect the business, or take his attention from the boys.

So why do I feel so resentful of it? Him getting a job isn't an option as we couldn't afford the childcare in the holidays (boys are 8 & 7 so not being left alone at home for long periods any time soon) on what he would be likely to earn. I feel that IABU to say no to this, but at the same time it irritates me.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 17/02/2015 08:25

Oh right. So cooking is something you choose to do? A bit unfair to list it in the things you have to do before having any free time then.

Lunches? Surely that's the SAHP's job. And which takes 10 minutes anyway.......

Original poster
HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 08:25

Ehric if DH had the same earning potential as I did, I would SAH like a shot. And we wouldn't employ a cleaner either. Well, maybe not SAH full time but I would definitely go very part time.

However, he doesn't and our lifestyle choices (ours, not his or mine but ours together) have put us where we are now. It's not something that can be changed as he wouldn't be able to work where we live and neither of us want to move.

And to be fair, everyone up thread is right. How he arranges his working day is up to him and if he has an hour free for something, why not a game that involves using his brain a bit. I don't want to tell him how to run his day any more than I would appreciate him telling me how to manage mine.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/02/2015 08:26

Perhaps he should cook at least a couple of times in the week & you can do family cooking at the weekend?

For years I had lunch more or less on the table when the kids came in from school, but they can still cook!

Hakluyt · 17/02/2015 08:27

I don't buy the doesn't like/isn't any good at cooking thing, by the way. It's not, as they say, rocket surgery.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/02/2015 08:27

It looks like you've chosen to spend the down time available to you, ie the evenings, with your dh. Which is fine, your choice.
My dh and I have a different dynamic. I , sahm, get my down time when the kids are at school. I exercise daily term time. So, once dh comes home from work every evening, it's his turn for downtime. He can go out if he wishes, and does frequently, or stay home with me. His choice.
My point is you seem the have chosen to sacrifice your me time, to spend as family time, which is why you feel resentful.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 17/02/2015 08:27

OP, this is the problem, I think:

work full time - 40h a week public sector, 10h a week private sector plus on call one weekend and 4 weeknights a month

Can anything be done to change this? Could you cut one day a week of public sector work? Do more private sector work which presumably pays better? Could DH do something freelance to enable this?

The MN principle is roughly equal leisure time - do you feel you have this?

diddl · 17/02/2015 08:28

Why do you employ a cleaner for him if you wouldn't have one if at home?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/02/2015 08:28

Rocket surgery Grin sounds painful

Original poster
HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 08:28

No, I'm being completely unreasonable. I'd hate DH to do the cooking and the lunches, it's part of what I consider my Mum identity that I feed my family. I blame my Jewish heritage :)

Cooking dinner is still work, but it's spending time with my children and work I choose to do, so it probably is downtime. DH is doing laundry mostly while we're in the kitchen so it's not like he's doing sod all then either.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 17/02/2015 08:29

Sounds like time for you to take a couple of years as SAHM and your husband to get a job. He clearly feels the need for intellectual stimulation and you feel overworked.

Also, you clearly are controlling. You can veto your husband's hobby yet you kindly 'share' your hobby with the family. Do they have much choice in this?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/02/2015 08:29

The extra 10 hours you do - could he not earn close to that by getting a job during school hours so you could drop it? Working 50+ hours a week is far too much imo.

firesidechat · 17/02/2015 08:30

I'm another one who can't believe the op and some of the other posts on here.

I've been a sahm and am not working at the moment. Never once has my husband monitored or policed what I do in the day. As long as all the jobs are done then spare time is my own, as it should be. Anything else is extremely controlling.

YABU!

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 17/02/2015 08:32

Could you drop one 5 h shift a week even if you can't manage to cut two?

Kittymum03 · 17/02/2015 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/02/2015 08:33

Also, why isn't laundry done during the day? With one sahp and no pre schoolers there is no reason why housework needs to be done in the evening!

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 17/02/2015 08:33

OP has acknowledged SWBU, more than once.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/02/2015 08:33

As a SAHM to 2yo, currently sitting on the sofa...

There was a time, when dd was between 1 and 2 when I envied DP his one hour lunch break. I didn't get one. The idea of a free hour, when your time is fully occupied, is very beguiling. But, people get lunch breaks. Consider this his.

I have always deliberately avoided 'accounting for my time' or sounding as if I am. I talk about interesting things we've done in the day but don't itemise. I wouldn't intrude upon DP's work time in that way. Similarly when dd's GPs regularly take her out, because they want to see her, not primarily at my request.

The commitment while on holiday would seem a pain. Time and inability to switch off and go with the flow of the holiday fully.

Even I take proper holidays and, in many respects I am far, far 'worse' than your DH. I 'work', largely for my own amusement and satisfaction - doing a degree I don't need and an unsalaried job that gives me some skills development and keeps the CV alive but for a truly negligible income - most evenings and while DP and dd do their own things one weekend morning. Oh yes and, we have partly separate social lives. I go out with friends two or three week nights a month. DP less often but no probs if more. So I usually spend one evening a week with DP. Most of the weekend is family time.

If someone told me I must not use my evenings to study, read, do professional development, talk to and spend time with my friends... They would not be living with me. Enforced 'partner time' every evening? No thank you.

Original poster
HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 08:34

diddl I wouldn't have a cleaner because if I was at home while the boys were at school, I'd be cleaning the house.

But I wouldn't be doing the finances, or the tax returns, or the business admin (which DH does) because it wouldn't be needed. I'd be doing all the cooking in the day too (but admittedly enjoying it).

Knickerful I can't cut my hours as we're short as it is, so I doubt they'd allow me to drop a public session. Private has no call commitments and as you rightly say, pays better, so I'm not keen on dropping that. Sadly DH can't work freelance from where we live.

However the more people point out exactly how unreasonable I am being the less I resent the whole idea of DH having downtime in the day so it's all good :)

OP posts:
JudgeRinderSays · 17/02/2015 08:35

YABU

  1. to call a SAHD 'sitting on his arse all day' Does he not do the laundry the cleaning, the shopping, the household admin, dropping/picking up i kids at school, taking them to their hobbies, your admin and that is when the kids are at school.Not to mention school holidays and sickness days.
  2. presumable he has to play the game when the other 11 guys are available to play it? I don't suppose they are all SAHD.

You sound controlling, you are not treating your DH as an adult.

diddl · 17/02/2015 08:35

my husband doesn't ask what I do all day either.

But then I do the cooking, we don't have a cleaner, he doesn't work the hrs that OP does.

I think it's more than easy to see why OP feels pissed off.

But it's not as if she's going to stop him or demand he works or does more around the house.

firesidechat · 17/02/2015 08:36

I did do all the cooking and most of the evening routine though because my husband had a long commute and didn't get home until children were in bed, so perhaps I "deserved" my hobbies.

MinceSpy · 17/02/2015 08:37

You don't want him to spend an hour an evening on this hobby but you also resent him doing it during the day? Like you he is just as entitled to a break in his day. Yes you work hard but so do stay at home parents. Every evening does sound unfair but varying times sounds reasonable. You need to find a compromise

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 17/02/2015 08:37

Is the business admin to do with your private work?

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 17/02/2015 08:39

If he does your business admin, could he do it freelance for others. Even if that's not his main career?

OP doesn't get a lunch break, people.

Fairylea · 17/02/2015 08:39

If you and your dh would like him to work I'm sure there are jobs he could do nearer to home. He seems more than capable of doing your financial stuff for you - surely that can be translated to a cv for financial work, payroll or such like. Maybe he could even take a course like a bookkeeping course or an AAT qualification if he doesn't have these to make himself more attractive to employers. He could work part time in retail or catering or even bar work if necessary so perhaps you could reduce just a few of your hours. He may not have the same earning potential but sometimes it really is about more than just money and you both sound very bored to be honest. Boredom leads to frustration and nitpicking.