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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DH and computer game? MN jury please.

149 replies

HicDraconis · 17/02/2015 05:27

Honest opinions wanted - I would normally check with DH whether IABU but he has a vested interest in this one. I've promised him I'll go with the majority verdict.

I work full time - 40h a week public sector, 10h a week private sector plus on call one weekend and 4 weeknights a month. DH is a SAHD and during school hours, does all the paperwork and financial side of my private practice. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, he does dog walking / DIY / gardening / bins / childcare before and after school. Evenings we do childcare together (in terms of bath and bedtime, clearing up, lunches for the next day etc).

DH wants to start playing a computer game. It's mathematical, played online with a group of 11 others and he thinks will take about an hour a day. He says it will keep his mind active and give him a break from the mundanity of house stuff and childcare.

He would be happy to do this in his evening downtime but I don't want him to as I would like to spend my evenings with him. He has time while the boys are at school in and around the other jobs to allow him to do it during the day.

I am resenting the fact that I work full time while he gets to sit on his arse at home playing computer games. However as he points out, many other SAHP go out for coffee with friends in the day, do their own hobbies, go biking, etc. He would do all the household stuff he does now and it wouldn't affect the business, or take his attention from the boys.

So why do I feel so resentful of it? Him getting a job isn't an option as we couldn't afford the childcare in the holidays (boys are 8 & 7 so not being left alone at home for long periods any time soon) on what he would be likely to earn. I feel that IABU to say no to this, but at the same time it irritates me.

OP posts:
darkness · 17/02/2015 06:58

Anywhere with a phone signal effectively has a computer connection, and laptops are hardly large on holiday, and an easy way to entertain kids whilst travelling. Is it perhaps more about him having something "separate" and non productive? Or even having something you don't, you really seem to have thought about your roles in the household rather than just fall into them in the way that some couples do. Which is great but obviously both he and you are uneasy with this crossing some conscious or unconscious boundary you have set up. Once you pinpoint this you.....ERM hang on...why the go with the majority...? What's your "vested interest" In him not doing this..
How does him being bored and intellectually unstimulated benefit you....?
I may just have fallen off the fence here.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 17/02/2015 06:58

I think yabu and your feelings about dh's hobby are more to do with you wanting to be the sahp, even though your choice was made for financial and practical reasons.

One hour a day every day isn't actually a lot. It's no different to you taking an hour out to read one night, mn another, maybe a phonecall to a friend the following night. It feels a lot because it's dedicated to one thing.

I think it's worth remembering that if the roles were reversed, you would have no end of support reminding you that being a sahp is a full time job and you are allowed 'time off' to recharge. You dh is still working full time, albeit in the home and is allowed some time to be himself outside of domestic duties.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/02/2015 07:00

Wow. Yes, you are being a micromanaging arse. I think it's outrageous that you think 1- he should be working every free second you're at work 2- you have the right to tell him how to manage his time during the working day and 3- he has no right to any time to himself. Highly controlling.

Fairylea · 17/02/2015 07:01

Yabvu and controlling.

calmexterior · 17/02/2015 07:03

YABU

Although the computer game sounds awful to me, and wtf about having to do it on holiday?! But holiday aside, an hour a day isn't that much.

CaffeLatteIceCream · 17/02/2015 07:05

If a man came on here saying, "My wife wants to spend an hour during the day chatting on MN while I am slaving my guts out at work - should I let her?" the roars of horror would be heard from coast to coast.

Does he do all the stuff you've agreed that he'll do? Yes? Then its his business what he does with any free hour he gets during the day.

Hakluyt · 17/02/2015 07:07

I can't understand why he even has to ask.

Footle · 17/02/2015 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letscookbreakfast · 17/02/2015 07:09

I don't see any problem what your husband suggests OP, an hour a day isn't a lot and he's doing everything that you ask of him whilst you're at work. I never have to run anything like this past my partner first and we both work full time.

Bowlersarm · 17/02/2015 07:10

A YABVU from me.

You don't get to dictate what he does or doesn't do in his downtime.

Fairylea · 17/02/2015 07:16

Op do you have a lunch break during your day? (At 40 hours a week plus I should hope so). Surely this is the same as dh having a lunch break and choosing to spend it doing this? I can't believe he even asked to be honest.

And so what if he wanted to spend the odd hour in the evening doing it? I'm a sahm and my dh loves playing on his playstation after work sometimes. It doesn't bother me in the slightest - I got on mumsnet! It's good to have your own time in a relationship.

MrsTedCrilly · 17/02/2015 07:16

YABU! I'm a SAHM and have a few hours off each day MNing or watching a film.. It's a break from the relentlessness. Being home is knackering! This would only be an issue if you came home to a filthy house and nothing else done in the day.

Margocat · 17/02/2015 07:17

YANBU - I completely identify with how you are feeling. I imagine you don't want to be unreasonable but it's natural to feel resentful when you have less free time. I am much the same!

Dunkling · 17/02/2015 07:18

YABU

First I'm confused. Is he going to do it in the evening like you say, because otherwise why are you complaining of him sitting on his arse for an hour during the day while you work. And this is the crux for me. Imagine if a man came on here and moaned, I'm out at work all day doing blah blah hours and blah more and my sahm wife wants an hour to do her own thing, how unreasonable!!!

If it was in the evening though, again same principle, apart from the fact that I do agree how addictive these things can be and how resentment can build. An hour is an hour but would it be that? I bought DH an ipad as a lovely present and now at weekends sometimes I want to jump up and down on it!!

Sixweekstowait · 17/02/2015 07:19

Would it really really really stay at an hour a day?........

nilbyname · 17/02/2015 07:24

YABVU!!!!!

And I hate to say it, but controlling too.

How demeaning for your DH to have to ask to ask for your permission?! How much of a hard ass are you?

Seriously, you need to take a look at your relationship dynamics as your dh is obviously scared if you or at the very least worried about how you'll react. How horrible for him.

prettywhiteguitar · 17/02/2015 07:25

Oh god poor chap let him play his game for an hour, mine listens to cricket, snooker, football, anything at all to do with sport.....it's pointless but then it's lesure time.

As for the resentment about working, I'm sure there's times he resents you for working and being an interesting person while he looks after the kids,

EstRusMum · 17/02/2015 07:25

If you are HCP, you are aware that thinking activities and reading help to prevent stroke. And wasn't the game mathematical according to you?

Anyway, it's not the point. The point is - you can't really tell DH how much of his time he must spend on everything he does. If he has free time, he should be able to use it in the way he wants.
Just like at work - if you have a break, it's your choice whether you eat or wee during that break. Grin

prettywhiteguitar · 17/02/2015 07:25

If I had to tell dp why I'm watching Netflix during the say I would seriously lose the will to live

saintlyjimjams · 17/02/2015 07:29

YABU

EstRusMum · 17/02/2015 07:32

Oh shit. I didn't mean stroke. Ffs, what an idiot me.
I meant dementia.

Don't ask, how I could mix those two up. Should probably sleep more. Although my 6 weeks old probably don't think the same. Hmm In fact she probably only thinks about boob

StoorieHoose · 17/02/2015 07:33

I can't believe some of the responses on here! Read some of them back but swap the genders!! "as long as he does everything he needs to do he can do it during the day" - can you imagine the response on here if it was a man saying this about a SAHM??

Your DH is a grown man and if he wants to spend an hour playing a computer game so what?

chrome100 · 17/02/2015 07:34

YABVVU!!!

I'm actually quite taken aback at this. It's his time in the day when he's by himself, why should it make any difference to you? As long as the chores get done.

And if he wants to do it in the evening every so often I don't see the issue either - it's a hobby. Don't you have anything you like to do after work? see friends? Go to the gym etc? I think it's strange to expect a partner never to have any evening plans because of "family time".

NorksAreMessy · 17/02/2015 07:38

YABVU
Effectively, you are trying to control what a grown man does with his time. And it is something that in no way affects you.
I can't see in any way why you think this is appropriate, kind or reasonable.

I am a little bit shocked

bigbluestars · 17/02/2015 07:38

I too am shocked by this thread.

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