to be sad that I'm not the parent i thought i would be?

[MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours]

I'm totally depressed with myself. Before I was a parent I really and truly believed I would never do the following:

I would never shout at my child
I would never feel so irritated with my child that I would want to actually cry/ resort to violence (no violence ever perpetrated, regular tears in the loo with the door shut)
I would want to talk to my child all the time
And I would never ever be like the woman on the bus ignoring her child

I could not have conceived that I would actually do the following:

Say things like 'you need to learn to be agreeable' - to a 4 year old, while saying that all games on the tablet would be removed until the lesson of 'being agreeable' is learnt (wtf was i thinking)
Absolutely insist that the 4 yo spends at least 2 hours in the garden running about both days of the weekend
Book day camps during half term because I just cant cope with the energetic 4 yo and new baby at the same time
Cook nothing more exciting than pasta and sauce / potatoes and vegetables
Worry constantly that I am either too harsh/ too soft/ too absent/ too present/ too helicopter/ too relaxed.

AIBU?

Soloman DD2 ate everything that was thrown at her from 6-12 months.

If I can get a cheese string, banana and a petit filous into her for dinner these days, I'm happy. sigh. Sounds like your DS is getting calcium and carbs. Wouldn't be too upset about that if I were you.

I love cooking, and do offer all sorts but just find it so demoralising - not to mention wasteful - to put food in the bin.

To be fair, DD1 was a food nightmare at the same age and while now isn't brilliant is SO much better. She actually at a chicken and vegetable pie the other night. She is an incredibly slow eater (although so is DH) but she did actually eat it.

I've had severe PND partly brought on by the fact that I honestly thought I'd be an attachment parenting, 'earth mother' type parent and I'm not at all. Sometimes I literally cannot bear to be around my kids even though I adore them, they are my world. I shout at them most days, get exasperated with them and feel like they deserve so much better.

I have a 5 yo and a 2 yo.

MyGast I'm not an attachment parent but do you know what's interesting? My children aren't attachment people either!

When DD1 was about 4mos I left her with DMIL (mother of five, loves cuddling babies, not the best at "listening" to babies who don't want to be cuddled). I warned her before I left that when I came to nap time, pop her into her grobag, into her cot and she'd go to sleep. Don't try to rock her - she just wants to be put down. She kind of smiled and ed and I thought - fine, she'll show you. And left.

When I came back she said to me, aghast, "She really doesn't like being rocked to sleep does she!?" No, she doesn't. Just because you think you SHOULD rock a baby to sleep, doesn't mean she wants it. DD2 is exactly the same. It took me a while to learn but actually the best way to get her to sleep was to put her into her bed, let her roar for 20 seconds and then she fell asleep. Now, the poor child walks to her cot from the bath, and stands at it until I put her in, bats me away when I try and kiss her goodnight and I don't hear from her until too early for my liking the following morning!

My DMum (who by her own admission is not a "baby" person. In fact, she gets better when they hit about, ooh, ten!) was even worse. The number of times I walked over to her and wordlessly just removed my babies from her were countless. She just Would. Not. Listen. To them, or me.

I'm sure you parent your children the way you need to parent, and they need to be parented. As someone said upthread, if we're conscious of what we're doing, we must be doing something right.

We all have days when we need a break. I've been heard to say to DH, "I'm a bit Mummy-ed out this evening. I'm off out for a walk" and I just go and walk around the block to clear my head. I used to need music or the radio. Now I just need silence.

mygast . Mine are 2 and 5 and I think they deserve better. I shout at them all the time. But they are brilliant and kind and funny. And they make me want to be a better mum. I just keep failing. But I accept that and just keep trying!

No OP, you poor thing, yADNBU! You are the other -get real -side of parenthood, knackered and trying your best but not perfect. My sis thinks am an awful, impatirnt uncaring parent. But then she gets up at 11, works p/t but has no kids and sleeps well at night. Also hasn't had permanent forceps damage or a knackered career.

Have you read anything on "good enough" parenting? Might help!

You are normal. We all have great days, good days, pants days and bloody awful ones.

When I became Mum to a 4.5 year old I thought I would never shout, never ignore my DS, would not argue with him ...... In the last 2.5 years I have done all these things whilst still loving him more than anything. I worry that I don't do enough homework with him, that I'm being too soft, too harsh, too much all the time too.

Re your son - he's now adjusting to being a non only and babes take up a lot of time. Hats off to you I'm sure you are doing sooooooo much better than you think.

Haven't had time to read the whole thread but I really needed to read the OP...to make myself feel better! and I let my 3 year old play with the tablet. Alphablocks have taught him to spell 5 words so far so I don't feel too evil.

gosh all your posts have made me feel a mighty lot better. and had me laughing out loud which as i have been crying for half the morning, was well needed

we got to football camp (late) and ds actually put his coat on, carried his bag and even commented 'isn't the countryside amazing mummy' on the way. I was so relieved and delighted for a positive moment with him I drove into a pot hole (same pothole which as cost me £200 in new tyres in the last fortnight).

I hope that being a parent and being disappointed and sad about what im like does actually make me a better psychologist - i really hope it makes me more understanding and in turn that makes me more useful to people, but i feel like such a hypocrite inside myself when listening to parents talk and not shouting in total agreement - 'me too! me bloody too! and then i drank too much of wine, cried myself to sleep and in fact have a bit of a hangover today as a result!!'

like other posters, i think i know what i know i am not: i am not the attachment parent, i thought i would be. I am a shouty mum, i thought i wouldnt be. We watch a lot of TV, i never thought i would. I have been rough with my child and felt terrible afterwards. I need my space. I need friends and wine and i need a break and sometimes, kids cry and I cant deal with it.

i like the idea taht the bar has raised, and its a good thing but a hard thing, and we expect a lot of ourselves and beat ourselves up, but that in the end, even if I jsut try not to shout at DS as much as my parents shouted at me, and if i dont actually wallop him like my parents walloped me, then that is probabably better for him in the long run.

sorry for typos, baby crying

YANBU

I was going to be a total earth mother with beautific children and spend our free time on jolly nature walks , it was all going to be super blissful .

I am a chain smoking , wine swilling , screeching banshee and all our nature walks end in tears , usually mine . Fucking hate bastard nature now

haha frumpet - we moved to be closer to nature, massive battle to get him out the bloody door! let alone nature walks! i resort to the promise of the arrival of the chocoloate fairy to get him going and throw chocolates far ahead for him to find

We were given 50p and told to go and explore

Haha yes but it was 10p in my day

oh and sweets were never going to be rewards, because that teaches all the wrong messages about food

ha bloody ha

My sis thinks am an awful, impatirnt uncaring parent. But then she gets up at 11, works p/t but has no kids and sleeps well at night.

exactly. that was me pre kids. how i cringe.

I remember going on walks with my grandfather and being in awe of his knowledge of nature and finding it all wonderful . Mine just like to see how close to death or serious injury they can get before they make mummy cry . Or lose the ability to use their legs when I have made them walk further than a mile . Good tip is doing a competition to see who can do the funniest walk , they have to copy you ( for at least 50 metres) and then you have to copy them ( make it a good half a mile )

i honestly dont think ds 4 would walk 50 m for anything less than a chocolate, but I will give it a go and report back

Oh and always carry a hipflask

Ohnodisaster my magic trick for never smacking is that i had a horrible (as in people went to jail) childhood which I have mostly recovered from BUT which for a number of years left me prone to sort of cold rages. If I ever hit my kids I fear i would hit them too hard, full force, and lose it and lose it and end up in prison myself. I only want to smack when I'm feeling impotent/disregarded/out of control and those feelings in childhood were the hardest for me to come to terms with afterwards. I still have nightmares that i am violently assaulting my abusers and no matter how hard I hit them they remain uninjured and vaguely amused by my rage.

So I'm not a lovely hand-knitted no smack mummy, I'm just a bit fucked up and know my safe limits. When I feel like smacking i walk away immediately. Knowing/feeling it might be life-and-death helps.

kitchen -

Only just caught that you are a psychologist... me too and I really do think we know far too much for our own good . Oh God the guilt and angst....I know what i'm supposed to do (I've run parenting classes fgs) but I don't want to pretend to you....I am far from perfect . So far in my DC's lives i have.....
yelled at ds that he will "die in an explosion" (recounted with much mirth to daddy on his return)- in my defence he was jumping on a gas pipe...
told dd to 'please go away' whilst attempting to lock myself in the bathroom/hold back the tears of frustration at the awful day I was having.
Ignored them (well attempted to) on many ocasions becasue I really really needed some space/cup of coffee.
Yelled (far to many times to count) "get your shoes on now!"
But I try and remember winnicott... it's about being a 'good enough' mother. I also remember the wise words of a former supervisor who told me that it was probably fine to get angry as long as you were able to model calming down, problem solving and apologising if it wasn't their fault

Oh and I second the raising the bar thing..... I am defo a better parent than my mum whose default position was to shout and criticise or ignore or give off a furious leave me alone vibe So given my own expereinces of being parented I don't do too bad

I am old but can remember so clearly whining and whinging and kicking my mum's chair endlessly. I must have been about 4 and bored and she was reading a book and, the very notion, ignoring me. In the end she looked up and shouted "just fuck off! Really loud. Then realised what she had done and was mortified. It was probably the best thing she could have done, it got me lots of doting attention! I milked.it for all it worth

I'm feeding Jamaican ginger cake to my ds cos he's crying cos he won't take a nap and I'm so beyond cooing and comforting him. Shit parent central. why aren't I more patient???

Don't worry, you feel awful now but it gets better and just think one day you will be able to have a quiet smile when some young woman tells you she will never do whatever when she is a mother. You know better now, no one is perfect so why expect yourself to be the exception. Enjoy them, as long as you love them they will be fine.