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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad that I'm not the parent i thought i would be?

142 replies

MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours · 16/02/2015 22:35

I'm totally depressed with myself. Before I was a parent I really and truly believed I would never do the following:

I would never shout at my child
I would never feel so irritated with my child that I would want to actually cry/ resort to violence (no violence ever perpetrated, regular tears in the loo with the door shut)
I would want to talk to my child all the time
And I would never ever be like the woman on the bus ignoring her child

I could not have conceived that I would actually do the following:

Say things like 'you need to learn to be agreeable' - to a 4 year old, while saying that all games on the tablet would be removed until the lesson of 'being agreeable' is learnt (wtf was i thinking)
Absolutely insist that the 4 yo spends at least 2 hours in the garden running about both days of the weekend
Book day camps during half term because I just cant cope with the energetic 4 yo and new baby at the same time
Cook nothing more exciting than pasta and sauce / potatoes and vegetables
Worry constantly that I am either too harsh/ too soft/ too absent/ too present/ too helicopter/ too relaxed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
olgaga · 16/02/2015 22:54

You are a completely normal parent! You are parenting "consciously", and that's half the battle.

As a parent you are also learning all the time - it's not an exact science, and your own experience is totally unique.

Well done for getting this far - and don't rip yourself to shreds! In a few decades you'll be able to sit back and think how well you did Grin Thanks

Original poster
MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours · 16/02/2015 22:54

Thanks ohno - that is true! perky - my god yes. pint sized dictators. He actually calls himself 'the boss' Confused and I say, no darling, i'm the boss and he says - no your not because you do want I want, dont you mummy

arrrggghh!

OP posts:
FluffyCubs · 16/02/2015 22:55

I felt like this far earlier.....so thanks for starting thus OP!

Tanukisan · 16/02/2015 22:56

My self-image and dreams of how I would parent were absolutely crushed by my now four year old. He has autism which has exacerbated things, but I really hear what you are saying!

As my good old dad is fond of saying, even the best plans don't survive contact with the enemy :o

Original poster
MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours · 16/02/2015 22:57

oh thanks olaga - thats nice to read. i am trying to parent consciously i guess , i'm so trying not to be unkind/ oppressive (i know)/ cruel.... i hope i do feel that in a few decades Grin

and that i havent bread a completely narcissistic sociopath

OP posts:
FlossieTreadlight · 16/02/2015 22:57

Snap. Feel exactly the same...

Charlotte3333 · 16/02/2015 22:57

They do. They really do put them in time out, you just don't see it. It's so hard, because you only see the outside of everyone else's family lives; the nice bits they present to the world. Don't judge yourself against that because it's not the truth.

Just like the stuff people show on Facebook, it's never their real un-cut life.

TheRollingCrone · 16/02/2015 22:58

I witheringly told my child to "grow up!" the other day.She's 7.Just. Blush Grin.

Original poster
MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours · 16/02/2015 22:59

tanukisan - i hear you!
can i also make a confession - i am a trained child psychologist, honestly i really am.
I feel so absolutely deflated by my parenting skills, i do think about leaving the profession, i really do

OP posts:
pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 16/02/2015 23:00

Another one who recognises herself in your post Smile

I told my 2 and a half yo to "be more articulate" the other day. So I get you on the "agreeable" front too.

Original poster
MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours · 16/02/2015 23:04

Smile pas - I have also talked about ds being less 'confrontational' - again, wtf

OP posts:
RigglinJigglin · 16/02/2015 23:04

Be kind to yourself OP Flowers

Tanukisan · 16/02/2015 23:06

Gawd, all my friends would say the same couldn't bear being friends if they didn't, I don't think

Original poster
MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours · 16/02/2015 23:06

thanks all. going to turn in now for the night feed. i feel ALOT better.

OP posts:
TheRollingCrone · 16/02/2015 23:07

*She's7. Just

Follyfoot · 16/02/2015 23:07

Sad Milkshake. I used to beat myself up about being a truly terrible parent almost daily. It was so hard, such a grind, utterly exhausting much of the time and I endlessly and fruitlessly compared myself to my friends who were all 'better' parents.

But guess what? DD is an adult now, she's turned out fine and is very happy in her life. Please dont beat yourself up, all will be well. Love them, keep the lines of communication open and if you cock it up, say sorry. The rest is all fluff really....

flowerpowerspiceknicks · 16/02/2015 23:11

Totally normal - I hope! I also have not turned out the way I,d anticipated as a parent. When I'm at work or uni I miss my 3 kids and think of amazing things I can do with them then as soon as I'm home I'm too tired but I do try my best and I think as long as any parent is trying their hardest then their children will know they,re loved. Sounds like you,re just stating what every parent feels.
Oh I nearly forgot, I always thought I,d never be an embarrasing parent...well guess what! although I'd like to think I'm 'fun' Wink

sillymillyb · 16/02/2015 23:11

Op if it makes you feel better, I drove for 45 mins extra today (up the motorway in a big loop) as I just didn't have the energy to get ds out the car at the junction for our house. He hasn't been sleeping properly so is a tad unreasonable lately. Oh, and I used to be a nanny specialising in children with behavioural problems. My hv told me that people who work with children often find it more of a culture shock when we have our own as we have expectations that just can't be fulfilled.

tigerbear · 16/02/2015 23:11

OP, I was going to start pretty much the same thread earlier!

I only have one child, I have no idea how parents with more than one do it, I have such admiration for you.

At the moment I feel a total failure as DD spends far too much time watching DVD's - it's all she wants to do, and it's my fault as I've gotten into the habit of putting one on whenever I'm getting ready/cooking or working (I'm freelance so can never really switch off).
I'm also conscious that I'm spoiling her with 'stuff' (lunch out all the time, buying toys whenever she wants them, eg box of Lego the other day that was more like a birthday/Christmas type of toy) to compensate for the fact that she only lives with me half the week (I'm not with her dad, and she lives with both of us 50/50) So clearly, she tantrums when she doesn't get her own way.

I've no idea how to stop this behaviour, MY behaviour!

Sorry for the thread hijack, just needed to get that out, and sympathise!

katese11 · 16/02/2015 23:14

Oh I would have happily given my 3yo away when I had a new baby to deal with. He was so unreasonable, whiney and difficult. Now the baby's nearly 3 and she's the one making me see red, while ds is a pleasant human being.

I'm still not the parent I thought I would be but at least I know these phases pass eventually...

TerryTheGreenHorse · 16/02/2015 23:14

I spent half an hour today arguing with my four year old about which one of us was the grown up!

Don't feel bad AT ALL about the camps. It's good for him too, it's not easy to keep a 4 year old entertained all day when you have a newborn to look after, it will make it a little easier for you and he will enjoy. Win win.

Brew
BoffinMum · 16/02/2015 23:19

I have four DCs, have been at this game 27 years now, I'm a trained teacher and also have a PhD in Education. And I reckon this all sounds like a normal, slightly knackered parent doing her best. Children are hard work and frankly somewhat difficult to civilise if they have any personality at all. It often gets better later on but in the meantime, re-reading 1-2-3 Magic might be your salvation, along with the odd gin.

This too will pass, as they say.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 16/02/2015 23:19

Me too. DH and I got really stressed at DD (age 5.5yo) being silly in the car over the weekend. She's 5 FFS! I feel bad that we don't let her be silly really (or only very rarely), I worry she doesn't have enough 'fun'.

We've not smacked her (yet, learning to never say never) but I have caught her bottom on the corner of the skirting board putting her on the mat for time out (in a fairly rough fashion). Felt bad but also was just so frustrated, I kind of thought it might also have shocked her out of the behaviour Shock Awful, I know. I totally see how parents can snap and it taught me a lot. It wasn't deliberate (not the catching her bottom of the corner of the skirting board) but I will admit I was a little rough with putting her on the mat.

It is really hard and we're learning to say sorry to DD if we're short with her for example. DH told her off in the car on Sunday (we were stressing trying to find our way with sat nav and were also a bit late), DH did apologise and explain why we needed her to just stop talking for 5 mins.

I'm finding 5-6yo really hard. DD was never a 'why' child when younger but now she just needs to talk non-stop, telling you what she's doing, asking questions about everything, wanting to watch you do everything, asking for things (like a CD on in the car the moment you've got in, and then repeating the question several times, despite saying 'yes, but in a minute'). It is wearing, more so now we're into half term!!!

BoffinMum · 16/02/2015 23:19

Camps and holiday childcare are great, BTW. I use them all the time even if I am on leave, and the kids are absolutely fine.

olgaga · 16/02/2015 23:20

Oh OP my DD is almost 14 and there have been times when I have just wanted to shriek wildly and tear off my scalp!

I think all kids are narcissistic dictators but hey it's better to be like that at 4 than 44, when it could be a real problem!

My DD still has her moments but I feel so proud of her, she is kind and thoughtful.

Just keep talking - or shouting! It's not a crime to let them know you're upset, and why - as long as you always move on, and let them know you love them no matter what.

You might want to take a look at the website DrLauraMarkham.com, and have a look at the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..."

But it sounds to me like you're doing the hardest, most undervalued job in the world very well indeed!