to be sad that I'm not the parent i thought i would be?

[MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours]

I'm totally depressed with myself. Before I was a parent I really and truly believed I would never do the following:

I would never shout at my child
I would never feel so irritated with my child that I would want to actually cry/ resort to violence (no violence ever perpetrated, regular tears in the loo with the door shut)
I would want to talk to my child all the time
And I would never ever be like the woman on the bus ignoring her child

I could not have conceived that I would actually do the following:

Say things like 'you need to learn to be agreeable' - to a 4 year old, while saying that all games on the tablet would be removed until the lesson of 'being agreeable' is learnt (wtf was i thinking)
Absolutely insist that the 4 yo spends at least 2 hours in the garden running about both days of the weekend
Book day camps during half term because I just cant cope with the energetic 4 yo and new baby at the same time
Cook nothing more exciting than pasta and sauce / potatoes and vegetables
Worry constantly that I am either too harsh/ too soft/ too absent/ too present/ too helicopter/ too relaxed.

AIBU?

I think we all feel like this at times

it is not all fun and full of love, little ones can be annoying, it can be isolating, boring and utterly exhausting we are often left questioning can we do more, the answer is always yes because they never bloody stop demanding

it does get easier and you will probably miss this time because we are foolish and look back with rose tinted glasses that's why so many go through it again I would love too and it is rarely ever as bad as you think it is

those who say they never feel like this are in the minority or lying through their teeth

Can I join you all? I've had a shouty day today - time of the month which never helps my mood and patience. Sat here all evening feeling guilty as today had potential to be a lovely day as I took them out to the cinema and for a McDonald's as a treat. But I ruin the day by being shouty about mess etc this evening and not getting in their pyjamas. Ending the day on a low.

Let's all have a better day tomorrow.

It's not easy and never thought id be a shouty mum. Sometimes it's just too demanding of me though. Nice to know I'm not alone.

I agree about having a better day tomorrow. I'm going to get up and find out the painting stuff for DD (she loves it but I don't like the potential for mess). She's going to help me bake some bread too. I will try to stress less tomorrow.

I think it is very easy to have a very idealised view of how to parent children before you actually have them. Once they are born you get a huge reality check. Exhaustion and practicalities take over at times too.

I was never going to do things like leave them watching TV while I had a quiet cup of tea/coffee, sorted the washing etc. I didn't last long with that one.

I was never going to parent the way my parents parented me, even though they are lovely and there was nothing wrong with it really. You know what, I am just like them. I have to check myself sometimes because I have automatically uttered something that they regularly used to say to me when I was a child.

I hear you! So happy to read this thread I always said I'd never sit my baby infront of the tele for long periods, but when one of his teeth is cutting it's the only thing that calms him down.. I felt bad for a while and then told myself it's not all the time, and it distracts him from being in pain which is definitely a good thing!
I think it's far better for wee people to see we have a range of emotions, not a constant ray of sunshine and happiness. You clearly love your kids and are a normal human being, they will be fine

Another one joining over here!
I dropped to part time working to have Mondays off and I dread them to a point. My 3yo has been poorly and has this whole whiny and pathetic act going on (he isn't I'll anymore) and it grates like nails on a chalkboard.
I shouted at him today for breaking his drawers by climbing on them and felt so ashamed. I want him to have a fun childhood- his dad let's him get away with murder at his house so I am left with disciplinarian role.

Roll on the summer when we can take them all outside!

That's a hilariously idealised scenario you've imagined there! Very Stepford Wives child-rearing!

I think lots of us naively believed that we'd be the perfect parents before we were actual parents... Does the perfect parent even exist? I doubt it!

I'm guilty of everything you mentioned and much much worse, yet somehow people seem to think I'm doing an excellent job of raising my child. ROFLMAO!

Don't worry about it, seriously... dont. I did, and I ended up depressed. It's not worth it.

You must remember that you don't see the struggles other 'perfect' parents have behind closed doors. They don't see yours. If you only compare your parenting to the best examples of others then you will feel bad about it. I try to compare my parenting to the worst examples (ok, that's slightly shameful) as it helps me feel less of a crap parent, and allows me to believe that I'm actually doing a reasonably ok job.

Don't aspire to be perfect. It's impossible! Good enough, is the best target to aim for on this one!

I love threads like these. So honest, human, no-one trying to criticise. Just honest to goodness support (sigh)

I hear you sista, I hear you. God, I never in my wildest nightmares thought I would shout as much as I do. I never thought I would sometimes be a bit over-physical with my children. I never thought I would let dp let them watch as much television/have as much screen time as they do. Etc, etc etc.

But do you know what? They are articulate, intelligent, happy and they love me. So actually, just like you, I am doing brilliantly at this parenting lark, even when I totally fuck it up, because just like you and everyone else on this thread, I care about it deeply. The best thing I have learnt about it all is to say sorry when I do something I know is wrong, and my children have learnt this too. And that is an important life lesson. Apologise, make up, and hopefully get it a bit less wrong next time.

Have some or maybe if you are breastfeeding and give yourself a massive break.

Oh and by the way, if they are eating the vegetables you're cooking, then you've won the parenting game.

I think the problem is that parenting has now become idealised whereas even a generation ago it was not: people did not see it as a duty to give their children a "perfect" childhood and certainly did not agonise about being perfect parents themselves. Our standards, with regard to everything involved in bringng up children, have been raised dramatically and we have set ourselves a very difficult and demanding task to try to live up to them, resulting in frequent feelings of guilt at not being the flawless, super-human parents of our imagination. But the general raising of standards is an excellent thing, and children undoubtedly reap the benefit of it, so even if parents have the odd, human lapse -or many! - we should congratulate ourselves on how much we get right! It is far better to aim high and be aware of a few inevitable failures rather than not be trying to achieve the best for our children and feeling no guilt about it.

Op, you sound like a normal parent to me! I had a 2 year old and a new baby and and I look back now and wonder how I managed with no tablet:)

Forced to watch Pingu whilst bf ( or reading stories when exhausted with being up all night with one or the other or both) instead of morse with pfb, for a start:) or my interest in late night snowboarding competitions whilst bf pfb, curtailed by yelling toddler, baby yelling too:)

I found it useful ( still do) to have a flexible plan for days, up and out, lots of snacks and drinks, very flexible, no panic to meet anyone and timing- feeding ducks, park, all low level stuff - and tea and cake at friendly garden centres which have a play area. Pick your activities, dc that age get excited about a puddle walk:) and I introduced " mummy time" where they watch TV or whatever and I have a coffee and NO TALKING. It's only ten minutes but it's a good thing.

Saying "gosh, you're really upset and angry, would you like a hug and we talk later?" helps. Plus showing them how to play together. And watching Charlie and Lola really helped my ds with How to be a great brother. As dd says ( at 5) " tv, mummy, is very educational" and it is. In small doses.

Relax a bit, op, you're clearly self aware- and 123 magic is a great book, as is toddler taming, ( bad title I know) and how to talk so kids will listen, and kids will talk, raising girls, raising boys- you don't have to wait til they are a nightmare to read them, btw. Just having the knowledge of their development ( and hormone burst, they can't help it, nor the reaching for independence - supported by you and your dh/DP)

amd totally- I was an amazing parent before I had dc:) mary Poppins would have been green with envy:)

I'm too tired to be as articulate as PPs have been, but I am smiling through happy tears in recognition/relief at a lot of this thread. OP you sound like a thoughtful, loving parent who is doing a great job!

You know, every single parent has dealt with the same dilemma in the last 60 years. It's just what it is.
I'm pretty sure there were women judging about kids listening to "Listen With Mother".
The Teletubbies were judged. My kids loved them. The original Dora the Explorer got death threats. People are absolutely, 100% crazy.

We're all just dust doing our best.

You sound normal. I told my 10 year old she was grown up the other day. Meaning she should be! Of course she is not grown up, she is 10! My 4 year old got me so cross today I was just totally fed up and almost said "Wait 'til your father gets home!"

I regularly shout at the moment as it is the only way I think I will be heard!

I really know a lot about parenting having done many parenting courses but I forget it all when they drive me mad, which is often.

Try and relax, and don't worry. But if you really do want something to 'help' then read 'How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk.'

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

I am dyslexic and hate books and even I managed to read it, and loved it, and in my saner moments am able to put its wise and well tested words into practice!

LikeABadSethRogenMovie don't want to derail but The original Dora the Explorer got death threats. ???? What's that?

I mourn the perfect parent I never was. I get you.

You sound like you're my kind of people. Congrats on the new baby

you are a good parent because you are thinking about what you are doing and trying to do well. as a teacher, I've known many who don't!

It is a terrible, severely damaging thing for a child to have a perfect parent, thankfully you are not inflicting that life handicap on your 4 year old!

You will have times when you find it hard going, and times when you find it wonderful. and since the moment you conceived you were destined to feel guilty for the rest of your life!

Another guilt-ridden shouty mum here!

My 3yo DS was an absolute knob all of yesterday. Everything he could do to annoy me, he did, up to and including running out in front of a car and sweeping everything off a shelf in Boots. I spent pretty much the entire day snarling at him - I got some proper fucking looks in Tesco when I bawled at him to 'try and have a bit of sodding self control!'. I actually asked that of a 3yo.

Thing is, he's actually a lovely little boy, full of character. He's immensely popular at his nursery, with both staff and kids. He's just so bloody DEMANDING. He talks all the bloody time, repeating the same shite over and over and over again. I can't even go to the toilet on my own, he has to follow me. I also have a 6mo DS and sometimes I feel so sorry for him because DS1 can't bear attention being diverted from him, and he kicks up the most almighty stink if I so much as feed DS2. He sat on DS2's head the other day and I completely fucking lost it. There have been moments, I'm deeply ashamed to admit, where I've felt actual hatred towards DS1. Whenever I've felt that I always ended up crying myself to sleep those nights because I felt like every kind of evil.

Bottom line is, parenting is bastard hard work. You care enough to feel bad. That's what counts. Everyone on this thread clearly loves their DCs and it's such a massive relief to know that a lot of us are in the same boat.

I think you are entirely normal and doing well. Please don't think about leaving your profession. You will be a better psychologist understanding what it is like to parent and the families you deal with in the future will benefit.

I am the parent I thought I would be now mine are 16 and 11 - a good enough parent who is not perfect but overall does a good job and DD at 16 recognises this.

Still have those moments of didn't think it would be like that. Happening now with GCSE revision. I thought I would be able to help with things like a English but I just wind her up. But that is fine, it is just the way it is and we will move on, as we have done from all the other things that haven't gone to plan.

YADDNBU. But if it's any consolation, I can pretty much guarantee that you're doing better than me. And I only have one child! Sounds like you could do with going a bit gently on yourself. Easier said than done, I know...

I think it's often easier to remember the difficult moments when they were whiny/skrawkly/utterly unreasonable and we were shouty/mean/downright unreasonable rather than remembering the times when things were calm, when they were sweet and we were encouraging and loving and more like the parents we hoped to be. Maybe when it feels like it's been a particularly crappy day it might be worth deliberately trying to think of two or three nice moments in the day and just noting them as a posit rejoinder?

I can't tell you what a fantastic mum I was going to be. Sitting happily doing crafts with my beautiful children, baking, going on nature walks and seeing the wonder on their little faces. All utter nonsense of course!

The reality of a baby and a toddler nearly finished me off, it was an awful time and I really wasn't cut out for it. DD was very clingy, ds was a difficult baby who wanted to feed all the time. I ended up sending dd to a childminder twice a week. I was the shouty, end of tether mother who never seemed to get anything right.

Fast forward and daughter is a teen. She is absolutely fantastic, really caring, kind and funny. Very independent, but in a good way. DS is incredibly difficult at times, has ASD, anxiety, perfectionism. I still don't know how to parent him.

Long post (sorry!) but BOTH of our kids know their parents aren't perfect. But they know we adore them and would do anything for them. We try and do family things but have learned to never expect too much. I think that has been the one thing I wish I'd started out with. Lower your expectations and accept 'good enough'.

It's the day we all stop caring that we start letting our kids down. You will be much better at your job now btw, I really wish by son's psychologist was a parent herself.

To tiger and op.

You both sound like brilliant mums to me.

I am guilty of some issues with my patience. I have shouted at my 2 year old. The worst part is he will come over. Put his little hand on me and say (I kid you not) "my sorry if my upset you."

Congratulations OP you sound like a perfectly normal parent!

All your regrets make me laugh. My eldest has ADHD and asd. I love my child, I do, but those issues can be, ahem, quite hard to live with. I have never smacked, struck or hit her but I have fantasised about murder when she is doing something horrible to a sibling or when we are into our eleventh day of 16-hours a day beatboxing the same musical phrase over and over and over and over and aaaarrrrrggghhhhh!!!!

I am definitely not the parent I thought I'd be. I didn't get the kid I thought I'd get. And if anyone had warned me what parenting was going to be like with any accuracy I wouldn't have believed them in a million years. Sometimes it feels like I'm winning the race to the bottom.

And i am well-jel of the tablet. My eldest is so obsessive about tech we can't have it in the house!

So I would say you're probably doing the same as the rest of us - fine from the kid's pov, horrible from your own. It really makes me wonder when I'm thinking darkly that i should drown everyone/myself before dinner, what MY mother was thinking when I was annoying her and she seemed calmly detached from it all....