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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad that I'm not the parent i thought i would be?

142 replies

MyMilkshakesBetterThanFours · 16/02/2015 22:35

I'm totally depressed with myself. Before I was a parent I really and truly believed I would never do the following:

I would never shout at my child
I would never feel so irritated with my child that I would want to actually cry/ resort to violence (no violence ever perpetrated, regular tears in the loo with the door shut)
I would want to talk to my child all the time
And I would never ever be like the woman on the bus ignoring her child

I could not have conceived that I would actually do the following:

Say things like 'you need to learn to be agreeable' - to a 4 year old, while saying that all games on the tablet would be removed until the lesson of 'being agreeable' is learnt (wtf was i thinking)
Absolutely insist that the 4 yo spends at least 2 hours in the garden running about both days of the weekend
Book day camps during half term because I just cant cope with the energetic 4 yo and new baby at the same time
Cook nothing more exciting than pasta and sauce / potatoes and vegetables
Worry constantly that I am either too harsh/ too soft/ too absent/ too present/ too helicopter/ too relaxed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 17/02/2015 08:23

chimchi lovely post. Flowers

Ragwort · 17/02/2015 08:25

I am sure loads of us feel like this. Sad.

I keep reading that 'it will get better' ............ but when?

I am now parent to a teenager and I could week with frustration at times, even yesterday, first day of half term when we doing something he chose to do, we ended up shouting at each other.

I too often wonder how on earth people with more than one child cope.

Bambamb · 17/02/2015 08:29

I told my 15 month old screaming DD to "get a grip" the other day. She completely ignored me, little horror!

MrsPurchase · 17/02/2015 08:30

Here's to having a better day today Milkshakes.
Your pp was mine on Sunday: I was in tears clutching wine by 7.30pm & I only have the one DS 2.8.
I think we tend to focus on the stuff that goes wrong, rather than all the stuff that (usually) goes right.

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2015 08:36

Also, get some perspective. I was brought up by hippy type parents in the seventies, with very little in the way of boundaries. My parents adored us but we were pretty much self entertaining from a very early age.

My strongest memory of my mum is of her reading and snoozing on the sofa. Daytrips, what daytrips? We were given 50p and told to go and explore.

I've got four siblings and we are all awesome. It turned out ok!

TheWordFactory · 17/02/2015 08:36

My old boss used to consider himself the perfect parent.

He waxed lyrical about how he never shouted how the house was always calm.

He constantly criticised his ex wife for her screaming and shouting and chaos.

But actually he wasn't a perfect DAd. In fact he was pretty crap. He was complacent and arrogant and essentially let his son bring himself up.

Ohnodisaster · 17/02/2015 08:45

Those of you who have never smacked -how do you do it? With me it's never been a conscious decision to smack-it just comes from utter frustration and (sorry to admit this) anger. Although I guess I must have some level of control as I've never done it very hard.
I suppose smacking was often the default position of my parents (although I think they were great!) so it is kind of ingrained.

Nocturne123 · 17/02/2015 08:47

Try and be kinder to yourself . If it's any help my parents used to send me to summer sports camps and ones over half terms and I absolutely loved them.

It's hard work ( my 21mo NEVER uses an iPad /iPhone Wink)

I nearly cracked with my two the other day and shouted shut up Confused dd repeated it with crystal clarity. Could've been something worse I guess.

I'd say most people are the same and not all the picture perfect life that's shown on Facebook etc .

Haggisfish · 17/02/2015 08:49

Tbh there was only one occasion when I came close to smacking-over tooth brushing. I just put dd down and left the room saying I had to leave so I didn't say or do something horrible. She got even more upset and screamed more but I had to reset the whole situation by leaving. I took about four minutes out, went back in, hugged dd and we both said sorry. My parents were smackers, too. I just never wish to inflict physical pain on my children deliberately. How would you feel if someone else smacked/hit your child? And I think it teaches your children to resolve emotional drama etc with aggression and losing control. Sorry to derail thread but I don't actually know how people can smack their children. Once or twice in really unbearable or dangerous situations, possibly.

SummerHouse · 17/02/2015 08:50

I think smacking is instinctual. I was never smacked and therefore never smack. I am sure there are exceptions but that's my study of one!

I shout plenty though and wasn't really shouted at so can disprove my own theory.

Haggisfish · 17/02/2015 08:53

Sorry, just realised I sound quite awful there-of course I've lost my temper and shouted on occasion but I genuinely find all it does is inflame a situation more-very rarely does shouting calm a situation down! And I have only nearly smacked once. I tend to remove myself or distract dc from irritating behaviour. And realise a lot of it happened when I was distracted/on my phone...!

Dancergirl · 17/02/2015 08:59

OP, you are a great parent and I'll tell you why.

Because you reflect on your parenting and are are not afraid to criticise it and think about alternatives.

ALL parents make mistakes and have shouty days and days when you've said or done something you regret. But some parents wouldn't care two hoots about this or even notice, a good parent does and reflects on it.

By the very nature of you coming on here for support goes to show you are a dedicated parent who cares very much. We ALL get it wrong sometimes so don't beat yourself up about that.

debbriana · 17/02/2015 09:08

You are not alone. Am in the similar boat.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 17/02/2015 09:09

YY to everything dancergirl said.

My tips: a book called Divas and Dictators.
Incentives - star chart or marbles in a glass for good behaviour, take one away for bad. Just a few to earn a reward. Counting to three - no idea why this works but it does! Trying to recognise which fights are worth having. Taking it one day at a time.

Above all, being kind to yourself Flowers

AndyWarholsOrange · 17/02/2015 09:27

Thank God for an honest thread. There were times when DS1 was a toddler when I was seriously tempted to ask SS for respite care because I was worried I was actually going to hurt him. I still remember well when he was about 18 months and I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. It was January. DS1 decided to start getting up at 4.30 am. I had to endure 20 episodes of Bob the Builder interspersed with DS1 obsessively opening and slamming shut the microwave door and throwing toys at me. Also punctuated with me running to the loo to be sick. I'd had 4 hours of this before it even got light. Looking back, I don't know how I survived. He's an absolute delight now as is DD.
DS2 however is fucking hard work He's nearly 7 but wants my constant attention every waking minute. He literally never stops talking. He constantly demands things. He tells me he hates me. He has an inconsolable tantrum if he loses a game of Snap. i feel that I'm a much worse parent to him than I was to the older 2. I feel constantly guilty. But I adore him and I'm doing my best which is all any of us can do.

middlings · 17/02/2015 09:27

Ooh can I join in! I have two DDs, 17mos and 2.5. A couple of weeks ago I heard myself say "If the two of you don't stop, I'm taking Teddy away altogether!" They're so little :( how am I doing that already!

DD1 is a master of "Don't shout Mummy!" I'm determined NOT to be a shouter. My Mum is/was a shouter and I HATED it! DH is a shouter too and I loathe it. I'm definitely less of a shouter but I was ill at the weekend and any vestige of patience I have left me completely. DD2 is going through a phase of hair pulling, which she knows she's not allowed to do, and I confess that when she did it for about the third time I put her down on the floor quite firmly and just walked away. It really hurts! She was really cuddly after that - and still pulled my hair later.

I work four days a week and live for Fridays - I just love the time the three of us have together - and Fridays are usually good days but the weekdays are so hard. We have so little time and it always feels like we're just lunging towards the next task.

Bambamb · 17/02/2015 09:30

Re: smacking, I've never smacked either of mine purely because it has just never occurred to me to do so. I was snacked maybe twice ever as achild so mmaybe that's why, it's just not something that I've ever seen or been around.

SummerHouse · 17/02/2015 09:41

i'm taking teddy away Grin

Aren't we mean.

Ds 2 dropped the entire contents of his lunch box on the floor when he had promised not to open it. I was mid rant saying he would have no lunch and would be hungryBlush when a little voice pipes up (ds1) "don't worry ds2. I will share mine with you".

Bad mother award to me!

middlings · 17/02/2015 09:50

Awww SummerHouse I love your DS1! Siblings banding together - he'll go far!

DD2 looks at me, grins and throws her food on the floor! I'm getting really good at catching things just before they go. DH's reflexes aren't quite as good.....I tend to sit next to her in Pizza Express to try and avoid complete carnage.

After my "Teddy" threat I had a word with myself and suggested that DD2 play with Dolly while DD1 continued to change Teddy's nappy. That worked....for five minutes anyway Grin

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 17/02/2015 09:55

Ha! I bet there are not many mothers who are as good a mom as they expected to be. I think you are part of a very significant majority...

Just do your best, and don't let it get you down. Tomorrow is another day.
Don't beat yourself up because of your qualifications. It will be a fantastic 'understanding' opportunity for you.

It does get much easier once they are all in school.

JudgeRinderSays · 17/02/2015 09:55

Does it make you feel Blush at how you judged parents in the past?

I tell you something I once read, which I think is very true.
'Nobody who thinks they are a good parent, is one'
That is because a good parent reflects and wonder whether they could have done things differently.

SummerHouse · 17/02/2015 09:59

Its great middlings when you get it right. As there are never any witnesses to the brilliant parenting (except small children), I always mentally high five myself and tell myself what a great job I did! I Love those fleeting moments. Smile

SummerHouse · 17/02/2015 10:00

Your teddy / dolly moment is a high five moment.

DixieNormas · 17/02/2015 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolomanDaisy · 17/02/2015 10:12

Oh God, I have seriously not met my own expectations as a parent. It all seems so bloody easy before you have to do it. I remember a childless colleague and I talking about another colleague who was complaining that their two year old would only sleep in their bed. We both agree they should just put him to sleep in his own bed. hahahaha. Childless colleague and I got pregnant at the same time and we are both still co-sleeping at three.

I have a couple of lentil weaving, home edding friends on Facebook who are always posting pictures of their wholesome outdoor activities and facilitated learning opportunities and home baking sugar free food. I thought I'd be like that. DS is currently watching Barbie Princess school on a tablet while eating laughing cow and breadsticks.