Why does the term SAHM get so many people wound-up?

[farflungfanny]

Just that really?
I am genuinely curious, it seems people are either justifying it, condemning it, ridiculing it, patronizing, or just plain angry.
Some choose it, some are forced into it. Just as some choose to work while other have too.
Everyone situation is different surely ? There is no right or wrong in how our family dynamics work.

It only happens on MN. In RL no one cares.

But you know that and are just stirring.

I don't think it's the term that winds people up is it?

It's just jealousy/grass is greener and all the research and opinions about which is best for the DC that make people feel the need to justify their own decisions.

Like most human disputes it starts from a position of insecurity.

I don't think the problem that people have is with the term. It's with other people doing things in a way they wouldn't. Has there not been a thread on this for a few days, or something?

Stay At Home Mum doesn't bother me. FULL TIME MUM does - I myself am a SAHM but every woman is a FULL TIME MUM whether they work or not! You don't just stop being a mother because you are out at work. It really pisses me off.

Chertsey, you are right it is jealously.

I am and always have been jealous of those mums who don't need to work. I would have loved to be a SAHM, but financially, I always had to work full time.

catieblanket Thanks for that. I was thinking I was missing something really important.
I should have said
Why does the term SAHM get so many MN's wound-up?
I honestly read some posts and am totally baffled at some of the responses associated with stay at home mums or working mums.

I thought it was Full time mum that (rightly) gets people riled up? I hate it, I don't stop being DD's mum when I'm studying.

It's a middle class construct. Young women I meet through work who are at home with their children do not describe themselves as a SAHM, they have no other option sadly.

I've never seen anyone get wound up by sahm. Maybe sahm's object to the term because it implies they sit in the house all day?

I think it's partly because some people hear criticism of their own choice in someone making a different choice.

I work outside the home = you're a bad mother not setting a good example and you're boring
I stay at home = you're a bad mother who is not there for her kids and you're selfish

Neither of those are true, of course, but it appears to be some people's interpretation - if you don't do what I do - you are criticising my choice.

Instead of saying well, you do what you feel is best and I'll do what I feel is best and we're both happy.

Then of course there's the little issue of a woman not being right no matter what she does and we're supposed to be perfect mothers, dedicated wives, boardroom executives and keep a spotless house and give of ourselves at all times and expect nothing. [bitter]

I personally prefer the more old fashioned "housewife" to describe myself.
To me "Stay at home mum" implies that the mothering is the most important part of the role and I think that reflects the emergence of a quite pressurising "helicopter" parenting style that centres the children absolutely in the lives of adults (or at least mothers!)
I don't think this is nessecarily a good cultural development for either children or women.
I do lots of things around the house that aren't directly for the benefit of Ds and all of them are important!

Why would it be jealousy? If I had to stay at home with small kids I'd be jealous of people with a job/career.

JeanSeberg, it depends what each individual wants, I wanted to stay at home with my children, but couldn't afford too, so I was jealous.

"It's a middle class construct. Young women I meet through work who are at home with their children do not describe themselves as a SAHM, they have no other option sadly."
Very good point whipsglitter

It's a middle class construct. Young women I meet through work who are at home with their children do not describe themselves as a SAHM, they have no other option sadly.

It's a label of pride.

There's an awful lot to be said for taking pride in doing what you are doing professionally, well and unapologetically, whether you chose it or not.

That applies to full-time hands-on care of children as much as it applies to toilet cleaning or merchant banking or a family business.

It doesn't have to be a MC thing.

I use the term "home-maker" myself. I think it encompasses most things I do.

t's a middle class construct. Young women I meet through work who are at home with their children do not describe themselves as a SAHM, they have no other option sadly

Why sadly? I would consider them very lucky!

Exactly Jean, both sides are jealous of certain aspects of the others' lives.

I got those two the wrong way round, it's early and I haven't had enough coffee, but you know what I mean

It's all a crock of crap anyway. People should be happy that they've made the choice that's best for them and not worry about all this stuff. We all love our kids

I had to justify it far more once my ex and I split up - bearing in mind our children were 2YO and 6 weeks old at the time - because he'd worked to support us it was okay for me to be at home but once he'd left and I was on benefits I should have got a job, apparently, and I got a lot of abuse for it.

Because they have no qualifications, no childcare, no money, no "prospects" and frequently it was the same for their own mum and will be the same for their own children.

It is usually other mums who slag each other off men don't get worked up about this.

The worst is the assumption that women who don't go out to work have a pampered lifestyle meh

wispsglitter, they have their DC, they presumably have tax payer funded homes and benefits.....