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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does the term SAHM get so many people wound-up?

125 replies

farflungfanny · 16/02/2015 07:54

Just that really?
I am genuinely curious, it seems people are either justifying it, condemning it, ridiculing it, patronizing, or just plain angry.
Some choose it, some are forced into it. Just as some choose to work while other have too.
Everyone situation is different surely ? There is no right or wrong in how our family dynamics work.

OP posts:
TheGirlInTheGlass · 16/02/2015 16:44

And it's totally your prerogative MummyBeerest!

I suppose in the spirit of MN I should now berate you for doing so, feeling jealous and making assumptions about your life even though I have no idea how old your kids are, whether you have health issues, whether you work or not...
But, as I'm a normal human being I won't. I'll just nod and say that's the first time I've heard that expression :)

MummyBeerest · 16/02/2015 17:05

Haha thank you Girl. I don't actually stay in bed...but I do like napping. A lot.

Nap-based parenting is my game.

I have a 2yo and it's -28 degrees here with 15 feet of snow. I'm effing tired.

olgaga · 16/02/2015 18:11

GirlintheGlass great post.

It isn't a RL problem. IRL, people tend to gravitate towards those with whom they share common ground.

yetanotherchangename · 16/02/2015 18:39

I don't hugely object to the term although I think the suggestion that I stay at home is a bit silly - a bit like implying that I'm chained to the kitchen sink. Doesn't bother me though as I know it's only there for want of a better term.

I have to say I've scarcely encountered anyone on here or IRL who slates WOHM for their choices. Whereas it seems completely acceptable to say "Oh I couldn't stay at home with my children all day" [because my brain is so big I couldn't deal with the mundane stuff you do]. Just my experience though.

DuelingFanjo · 16/02/2015 18:43

SAHM just auto-corrected to SAHP on my iPad, as it should. That's about the only thing that annoys me about SAHM.

muminhants · 16/02/2015 18:52

Well I'm technically a SAHM but I work for money too - I am based at home and only go into the office one day a week. And even then I go when ds leaves house for school and my dh is home when he gets back from school.

But I worked full-time or 4 days a week until ds was 9.

ThisIsYourLife · 16/02/2015 19:03

I've never heard the term SAHM or WOHM outside of mumsnet. I think SAHM just replaced the term housewife, which isn't a term I'm particularly fond of. Surely your'e either just employed or unemployed, parent or not.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 19:11

Nobody seems to bother in rl, its not something people discuss really and if they do its only asked out of politeness, normal chit chat.

Most people like to think they are doing the right thing for their family, whatever their employment status.

I find the problem is with people who aren't confident with their choice or wish they were doing the opposite. They become outwardly nasty to others then. Of course this then encourages people to justify their choice.
Most of the time it is jealousy, lack of intelligence and/or imagination.

It is a shame that people can't just let others get on with what they are doing and concentrate on their own life.

Ragwort · 16/02/2015 19:49

You either have a job or are unemployed - that's not technically correct SnowWhite - you could be retired, financially independent, studying etc. As I was an older mum I frequently used to say I was 'retired' rather than having to use the SAHM expression (if I felt my choice of lifestyle was disapproved of Grin). Unfortunately I have now had to return to the workplace.

Ragwort · 16/02/2015 19:51

I find the problem is with people who aren't confident with their choice or wish they were doing the opposite.

Totally agree ^^ - if you are secure in your choice then you don't give a damn what anyone else thinks - either in RL or on Mumsnet. It is only if you have low self esteem that other people's opinions cause so much grief. Sad.

olgaga · 16/02/2015 20:23

"Unemployed" is not the right term at all. That means someone who is involuntarily not in paid employment, and is seeking paid employment.

TheGirlInTheGlass · 16/02/2015 23:04

I have to disagree that this is an MN only issue - It's the internet at large, from forums to facebook groups. And rife amongst playcentres, playgroups, the playground... anywhere that has the word 'play' in it :)

Original poster
farflungfanny · 17/02/2015 08:48

I think forums like these allow people to be more honest bitchy, rude, mean, snooty, than they would be with a face to face conversation. I have definitely be in situations where what I said and what I wanted to say were completely different. I wouldn't deliberately provoke or upset someone in RL whereas a lot of replies on these type of forums are just plain mean and nasty. The anonymity allows us the freedom to be much more honest bitchy, rude, mean, snooty

OP posts:
BakewellSlice · 17/02/2015 08:57

It's truly interesting to me to hear other points of view articulated fully. It's why I read MN.

FarFromAnyRoad · 17/02/2015 09:04

Well for what it's worth here's my bit of anonymous honesty.

SAHM? No problem. Why would anyone? OP is definitely stirring.

Home maker? Now that IS wanky. Unless you're American because that's the term they use but otherwise - just wanky.

Original poster
farflungfanny · 17/02/2015 09:12

So I'm a wanky, stirring, American home-maker
So if we were having a face to face conversation you would actually say this to me. Wow Hmm

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 17/02/2015 09:18

It's really fucking annoying when I used to hear "I would HATE to stay at home all day. I need to go to work", when said in a patronising, faux-pitying manner.

Piss off.

Ragwort · 17/02/2015 20:28

London - agree ^^ - like all these people who have to go to work to keep their sanity are saving lives or solving world peace Hmm.

tobysmum77 · 17/02/2015 20:38

I don't think its meant to be patronising it's the truth.

tobysmum77 · 17/02/2015 20:38

but sahm, full time mum whatever don't wind me up at all.

realgonekid84 · 17/02/2015 21:59

It is alsothe truth when a sahm says they don't need to work financially. Yet many people don't like to hear that either.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/02/2015 22:06

London

definitely agree with that one.
Its like they are saying you be happy doing the domestics but I'm too clever for that, need to use my brain and you must be dim to be able to cope with it.

When in reality, they just see sah as being like that for themself, without knowing anything about the exciting life you may be leading yourself.

rationaloptimist123 · 18/02/2015 00:10

Does it matter?

All this "I would scream if anyone referred to me as an XYZ" - really?

There are more important things to get into a tizzy about.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/02/2015 00:15

Because it only seems to apply to married/partnered women!. A single dares to say she doesn't work. She's seen as a scrounger.
Why are married/partnered mums set of rules and morales better than those of single mums.

DustyGold · 18/02/2015 07:41

I would scream if called a homemaker!
My mother in law once told me she was proud to be a housewife- internal scream there from me.... She was having a go at me at the time...
We are far poorer financially with me not doing paid work [do volunteer work that fits round school]. The drop in income would perhaps be unacceptable to some 2 income families. To say we can 'afford' to live on one income is a shadey area. Rotten window frames, different spending patterns etc now.
Acyually one reason I am not a 'home maker' is that I am messy and slovenly so does not fit at all!!!
Interesting re SAHM [wince] only fitting 2 parent households; another reason to dislike the term...