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Original poster

Why does the term SAHM get so many people wound-up?

125 replies

farflungfanny · 16/02/2015 07:54

Just that really?
I am genuinely curious, it seems people are either justifying it, condemning it, ridiculing it, patronizing, or just plain angry.
Some choose it, some are forced into it. Just as some choose to work while other have too.
Everyone situation is different surely ? There is no right or wrong in how our family dynamics work.

OP posts:
Lovemycatsandkids · 16/02/2015 08:24

No one in RL cares a flying fuck. It's a mumsnet/media driven issue.

In my experience women just get on but of course we all have to be bitchy and jealous because we are women and women are like that! Hmm

Tis all bollocks.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 16/02/2015 08:24

IRL, people just say "I don't work".

On MN they have to justify not working.

I object far more though to "full time Mum". That really is a case of my lady doth protest too much. I work my arse off, and am a full time Mum while I do it.

hijk- lucky is having enough money coming in to not want to work, and not to have to. Wanting to work, or at least wanting/needing enough money of your own to bring your children up but not being able to because the vicious circle means you can't afford childcare is not lucky.

There is a difference.

Arsenic · 16/02/2015 08:25

Wip Something else made me think not long ago that an APEL certification scheme for very young mums could be a very good idea for those interested. The problem is that looking after your own children doesn't attract societal esteem any more and so doesn't boost self esteem.

Chertsey · 16/02/2015 08:25

"It is usually other mums who slag each other off men don't get worked up about this."

I'm not sure about that actually Mrsjayy. It's true that the most vocal are women but I work with a lot of reasonably well earning men who "keep" SAHMs and whilst some appreciate all she does, there are a large proportion who very much begrudge the fact that they're at work to pay for her pilates and lunches.

They know the alternative is to pay for chidcare and most would prefer that their DC are in the care of their mother, but that jealousy kicks in again - they're jealous of the fact they're slaving away while DW gets to spend time with the Dc. Even though thy wouldn't want to swap roles completely, they're jealous of certain aspects of her life.

Mixtape · 16/02/2015 08:25

wips I agree, having worked with young people. Yes you might feel lucky staying at home with your children when they are small - if you have sufficient skills and education to find work once they are older. Many people on MN have taken time out of rewarding and stimulating jobs and have many more options for the future.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 16/02/2015 08:25

Home-maker? Confused

I have been known to build them out of Playmobil and Lego. Am I one too?

PunkrockerGirl · 16/02/2015 08:31

I've never even heard the term SAHM used in real life.
I do hear "full time mum" quite often though and find it quite offensive (and I'm not easily offended).

yomellamoHelly · 16/02/2015 08:33

I am a SAHM and the term only annoys me because some people take the piss because of it in terms of not doing things or turning up when they've said they would or trying to offload stuff onto me because I'm around, or sometimes even just patronising me (though that may be typical for the LA's and NHS's employers) ...... When actually life is pretty full and I am fairly intelligent. Makes me feel "less" of a person in some sense.

Stealthpolarbear · 16/02/2015 08:35

I suspect they have few choices, that's why it's sad

ghostyslovesheep · 16/02/2015 08:41

Sahm doesn't bother me in the slightest ... But I'm not jealous of sahms id go mad if I didn't work

HamishBamish · 16/02/2015 08:41

I don't think the term winds people up (well, not me anyway), but I do think women feel they have to justify their choices at every turn and that makes both sides defensive.

Sadly, being a SAHM or WOHM isn't a choice for a lot of women. That's bound to cause resentment, especially when people use phrases like 'I want to be there for my children' about being a SAHM (implying that those who work, aren't 'there' for their children), or 'I want to set a good example to my children by working' (implying that SAHM's set a bad example!).

In reality, we're all just trying to get by the best we can.

Chertsey · 16/02/2015 08:46

"Sahm doesn't bother me in the slightest ... But I'm not jealous of sahms id go mad if I didn't work"

It's because people say things like that, putting SAHMs down by suggesting that they must need less mental stimulation, that makes them feel the need to justify themselves by telling WOHMs what they/their DC are missing out on - jealous women completing with each other, even if they don't realise or admit it.

HamishBamish · 16/02/2015 08:50

It's because people say things like that, putting SAHMs down by suggesting that they must need less mental stimulation, that makes them feel the need to justify themselves by telling WOHMs what they/their DC are missing out on - jealous women completing with each other, even if they don't realise or admit it.

This!

Ragwort · 16/02/2015 08:53

Totally agree Chertsey - I hate the assumption that SAHMs just literally 'stay at home' Hmm.

I had a far more interesting, stimulating, creative life style when I didn't have to be at work between certain hours of the day ....... do people really think that retired folk, those who can't work due to illness, those who so financially secure that they don't need paid employment are all 'dull and boring'. Hmm.

Just because you go out to work doesn't necessarily make you 'interesting' - why are people so unimaginative that they can't think that there are plenty of alternatives to 'being in paid employment' and 'being stuck at home 24/7'.

letch · 16/02/2015 08:53

I don't mind SAHM, but get that some find it an accurate description of what I do... However, I think perhaps "based at home" is a more accurate description as that is where their based / return to even if they spend most of the day out of the house.

I don't find the term full time mum offensive. But I do find it utterly meaningless. For the term to have meaning, it has got to differentiate "full time mums" from other mums. Therein lies the problem. It kind of implies other mums are not "full time" and so this means that they are only "part time" which is ridiculous.

Also up to this year, my working hours were entirely contained within the school working day (with school aged children). So technically, I was a "full time mum" as well as a part time teacher. Again, that's meaningless! Whereas I could easily describe myself as a full time mum (who works) I could never describe myself as a stay at home / based at home mum - because that's not where I am during the working day - I'm at work! Therefore, I find the term S/BAHM a meaningful one, but full time mum utterly devoid of meaning.

TarkaTheOtter · 16/02/2015 08:55

But "not being around all day for your children" and "setting a bad example that women should stay at home" are negative aspects of WOH and SAH respectively. I have decide to take all this less personally. I am happy to "own" all the downsides of being a SAHM - no financial independence, relying on my husband, might struggle to get a job when dc are older, setting a "bad" example, might get left high and dry etc etc because in spite of these it still works out best for my family. I don't need to deny these downsides in order to be happy with our decision.
If I had a job I loved or our lifestyle required it I wouldn't feel any guilt from working either.

Royalsighness · 16/02/2015 08:56

I work 24 hours a week so I feel guilty saying this but I have the shitty end of both sticks, always tired and getting DS at the most challenging point of the day, also working the busiest hours at work BUT I'm glad I get to do half and half because my job is close to nursery and home.

I work with mums that work a 9 to 5 full time and I socialise with mums that are SAHM and they are both equally as frazzled and both wish they were in the others shoes. I suppose some women will just be spiteful about anything though, and resentful. There are stay at home moms that say working moms are cruel and there are working moms that think stay at home moms are lazy or lucky.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 16/02/2015 08:58

It's a daft term, you are a still a parent whether you have a job or not. We don't give fathers a different parenting title as they go out to work. Its a tad less worse than full time mum that some use.

You either have a job or are unemployed. Dressing it up doesn't make either option sound any better.

ChristyMooreRocks · 16/02/2015 08:59

It's because people say things like that, putting SAHMs down by suggesting that they must need less mental stimulation, that makes them feel the need to justify themselves by telling WOHMs what they/their DC are missing out on - jealous women completing with each other, even if they don't realise or admit it.

Yes, but it is true for me. I am about to finish my second maternity leave and I cant frigging wait am looking forward to going back to work. I am not jealous of stay at home mums. That me, myself, I. I don't care what others do or want to do.

Royalsighness · 16/02/2015 08:59

As for stay at home mummy whatever. Only idiots say this stuff.

Royalsighness · 16/02/2015 09:01

Good points there Ragwort.

ghostyslovesheep · 16/02/2015 09:01

Blimey that wasn't a put down! I really have no opinion of other people's choices - I just like my job !

MorrisZapp · 16/02/2015 09:05

Nobody put SAHMs down by saying 'I'd go mad if I didn't work'. That's just a knee jerk defensive response.

I work full time, I'm not a full time mum (can't believe anybody would take offence at that) and when I personally was at home with my DS I literally did go mad, I'm still on the medication.

It's just a person saying what personally suits them. If you were to say well I feel children need a parent at home I'd be totally fine with that. That's what suits your family. Can we try not to take everything as a personal attack.

AgadorSpartacus · 16/02/2015 09:07

It's because people say things like that, putting SAHMs down by suggesting that they must need less mental stimulation, that makes them feel the need to justify themselves by telling WOHMs what they/their DC are missing out on - jealous women completing with each other, even if they don't realise or admit it

How this can be extrapolated from what Ghosty said I have no idea.
It was quite clearly her personal opinion.

parques · 16/02/2015 09:10

I care about the term/role SAHM in 'real life' as my extremely work shy, lazy SIL incessantly posts about it being the hardest job in the world, how the school run (10 minute walk) is the work of the devil etc! Try doing 'all that' and working! We don't stop the mum stuff because we work! Glad I've got that off my chest! Angry