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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why does the term SAHM get so many people wound-up?

125 replies

farflungfanny · 16/02/2015 07:54

Just that really?
I am genuinely curious, it seems people are either justifying it, condemning it, ridiculing it, patronizing, or just plain angry.
Some choose it, some are forced into it. Just as some choose to work while other have too.
Everyone situation is different surely ? There is no right or wrong in how our family dynamics work.

OP posts:

Shodan · 18/02/2015 08:08

I rather like Domestic Operations Director.

muminhants · 18/02/2015 08:21

Shodan I wish Mumsnet had a "like" button. That made me smile.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 18/02/2015 09:28

"Because it only seems to apply to married/partnered women!. A single dares to say she doesn't work. She's seen as a scrounger.
Why are married/partnered mums set of rules and morales better than those of single mums."

I don't think it does, both are relying on somebody else to pay for their every need unless either has private financial wealth.

Mrsbird311 · 18/02/2015 09:53

What bothers me is when you have to fill in a form and tick occupation there is no longer a box for housewife, I don't consider myself unemployed or retired , it's stupid, why do people judge on what others do or don't do

Feminine · 18/02/2015 10:28

My aunt in law.must have felt very concerned when she listed me a. 'domestic engenier'
I like housewife.
I'm going to start using that again.

DustyGold · 18/02/2015 12:00

I would not like a house wife box.
Are we in the 1950s??

Feminine · 18/02/2015 12:08

dusty l am.
I am a wife and l am in the house.
Perfect for me

DustyGold · 18/02/2015 12:21

I guess we all define ourselves differently Feminine....
I am sure you are not tied to the house all the time and could define yourself differently if you wished.
Each to their own I guess...

Feminine · 18/02/2015 13:08

Like what though dusty?
Not being difficult. :)
I just don't want to get hung up on what the latest name is for me.
A woman that stays at home, and is a wife.
Of course, there is so much more to me but
I am not defined, nor restricted by that title.
Stay home mom, is just as daft.... Imo.

DustyGold · 18/02/2015 13:17

On forms if pushed, will put 'not in paid work', or presently 'volunteer' as do a lot of volunteer work at the moment. Also doing a course but very part time so part time student maybe pushing it!
Nearly divorced my dh when he put housewife on a form once for me; I was cross on many levels.... He won't do that again.
Don't like SAHM either. Not tied to house or husband and will not be defined by them or I guess my children either.
I accept that I am a bit touchy about it.....

I also accept that maybe feeling a bit insecure about my place in the world...
First world problems!!

Feminine · 18/02/2015 13:28

dusty l understand where you are coming from, you don't sound "touchy" at all.
Thanks for explaining a bit more about your opinion. :)

smileybadger · 18/02/2015 13:43

loathe "housewife"im not married to the bloody house!

LondonRocks · 19/02/2015 00:27

Ragwort and Morethan, exactly. The meaning behind it was always, "I'm doing something more important and my brain couldn't possibly stand the tedium of bringing up a child, you easily-pleased thicko."

Yeah, and then I think back to how they "couldn't wait" to go on maternity leave and how they cooed about their children in utero. And then I pity them.

Each to their own, but please don't do me down for looking after my DC. To do it well, it's not just a case of wedging a bottle in the child's mouth and tuning in to CBeebies while I scrape out the rest of my brain and bow to your superior sisterhood skills as you, er, prattle on about the actually quite boring job that is saving your sanity.

It really fucks me off. Can you tell?

Taz1212 · 19/02/2015 08:01

I don't know what I would call myself. I don't like the term housewife because my priorities do not include the house. I suppose I'm a SAHM, but my children are rapidly growing up and what will I be once they have left the house (as it is, DS is out most days from 7-7)? Perhaps I shall start to call myself an "independent"

Mrsbird311 · 19/02/2015 08:47

I don't mind being compared to a 1950s housewife, I look after the kids and our home and I do make sure I look nice when my husband comes home , it just makes for a pleasant life I don't feel tied to the house or not independent, i am probably more independent than when I worked as I'm not tied to anyone's schedule and I can do as I please all day , each to their own I say, my best friend was a sham she lasted two months before her head exploded with bordom , she needs her work to keep her brain engaged.

LondonRocks · 19/02/2015 10:17

my best friend was a sham she lasted two months before her head exploded with bordom , she needs her work to keep her brain engaged.

That's the kind of thing I mean. So, being with your child requires no brain work, then? Really? Yes, it can be isolating and really shake your life up, but to have time to be bored is quite something. Making a new life, routine, teaching a child about the world - these all require a brain. FFS.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/02/2015 10:23

In my personal vote I don't find any offence in the terms SAHM or SAHD but the "Full time mom/dad" is what I find irksome!

Jackiebrambles · 19/02/2015 10:31

The term SAHM/P doesn’t bother me at all. But then I’m not one.

‘Homemaker’ makes me want to vomit. If you work out of the home, who ‘makes’ your home then? Or do you live off your wits in an alley?

It annoys me when people say that they want to 'raise their kids' themselves. We all raise our own kids, out of the home workers or not.

When I say I need to work and couldn’t stay at home, I don’t mean that to disparage someone who is a SAHP. It’s just my personality and what makes me happy/tick. I know my strengths and looking after children full time is not one of mine. I admire SAHPs because its bloody hard work and their endless enthusiasm for coming up with fun/learning activites/crafts etc would utterly exhaust me. If I stayed at home my kids would be in front of Cbeebies for far too long, its better for them if I work/they go to nursery!

hmc · 19/02/2015 10:32

"IRL, people just say "I don't work". "

Yes, that is what I say. Occasionally people ask "Why"? and if pressed I reply (perhaps a little tersely): Because I don't want to and I don't need to.

That generally concludes the conversation and we can discuss more interesting things

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/02/2015 10:44

Is it not fair to say, Every parent is a working parent!

ChristyMooreRocks · 19/02/2015 11:24

Meh, this whole being touchy when someone says 'I couldn't be a SAHM, I need work' annoys me a bit.

I said it up thread. I could never be a permanent SAHM. This is not because I am oh so much better than the lowly housewives or anything, it's because I don't have the skills set to be a good one. I am a terrible procrastinator, will never be up and out of the house early unless I have to (ie. for work!), i like a lot of structure, and am crap at constantly thinking of engaging activities that I know will be enjoyed for all of 60 seconds before the kids get bored and want another activity thrown at them, I am a crap cook and I don't enjoy it so the slog of preparing and clearing up 3 meals a day also gets to me. And I go on mumsnet too much when I am at home as well, as I have no self control!

I admire the SAHMs who are good at what they do and enjoy it!

hmc · 19/02/2015 11:39

Iliveinalighthouse - I think it is fairly self evident that "I don't work" is a short hand way of saying "I don't do salaried work"

OfaFrenchMind · 19/02/2015 11:54

LondonRocks Well, my work and a lot of people works require a lot of reflection, thinking outside the box, using University teachings, trainings, etc.

Not saying you are brainless as SAHM, this would be ridiculous, but the level of reflection and mental challenge is higher when working, that's a fact that you should not take personally.

TheListingAttic · 19/02/2015 13:02

Does anyone actually object to the term SAHM? I've never seen anyone bothered about that...

I may be getting off-topic, but I think a lot of the sensitivity around titles/occupations/amount of time spent at home with children/how to label that is because a lot of people - predominantly mothers - don't have the luxury of choosing which they do. When circumstances dictate that you have to stay at home or go out to work when you'd rather do the other, the way other people label what you do and view it becomes quite sensitive. If you would like to be out at work but aren't able to because the specific work you would have won't off-set the specific childcare costs you'd have to pay, or if you'd like to be at home with your kids but can't because your household desperately needs that specific income you bring in by working, then I think it's understandable that people can be sensitive about how people view the difficult 'choice' they've had to make. If that makes any sense!

Original poster

farflungfanny · 20/02/2015 08:43

I think yes that may be the crux of the whole stay at home debacle there listing
People mothers NOT having the choice of whether to work or stay at home. I would resent working if I really wanted to be at home with the kids, and staying at home if I really wanted to work.

OP posts:

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