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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
WhistlingPot · 15/02/2015 16:46

"so the state is paying a mortgage albiet indirectly via housing benefit on a property that her husband will also inherit one day"

I find it hard to believe that isn't fraudulent tbh, and if it is, she will get very caught short if that is the case - AFAIA you have to state quite clearly what your relationship is to your ll when claiming HB, although I've no idea what the LA would do in that instance.

I hate this sort of situation, because people who DO have genuine reason not to be working and on benefits, and don't wish to have to broadcast it to the world, get labelled as lazy scroungers, as the truth is, you just don't know what is behind someone's circumstances. We should be able to have faith in the system to give the help to the right people, so there's no need for the vigilanty judgy pants.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 16:50

Christ alive. Most of this thread is ' I know a dickhead and want to extrapolate her views across all sahm/whom'

Hmm
WhistlingPot · 15/02/2015 16:54

It's disturbing reading Pagwatch.

Bambambini · 15/02/2015 17:10

Sure I've said similar to friends. It's not meant to be smug, it's acknowledging that you realise you are in a more fortunate situation being able to choose whether you work or not - unlike many of my friends, some who are struggling and not enjoying balancing kids and home life and their work. So maybe I don't want them to think I take my situation for granted. I don't just go about randomly telling strangers my financial situation but sometimes it does seem relevant in certain conversations.

It actually can be awkward to be in a better financial situation than many of your friends, especially those struggling. Often I do feel lucky.

And it is my husband's wage supporting my choice to SAH, not my own money or savings.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 15/02/2015 17:11

I don't need to work financially, not because we have a lot of money, we really are breadline, but we don't want a lot, so it works... Its not always rich dhs, sometimes its lemonade dreams.

MomDirection · 15/02/2015 17:16

I think this was a mean spirited OP and says more about her attitude than anything else!

I work FT and wouldn't find this annoying, snooty or offensive in the slightest.

I think some people are jealous...and like to see the worst in people.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/02/2015 17:19

Moch

The couple you refer to could well be claiming fraudulently, but they may be declaring and being honest you don't know.
If they are dishonest then they will likely get found out sooner or later.

As for your comments about it not being right for your family to receive tax credits with a sahp please consider this.

One parent has a low income, the other sahp and they receive tc and cb.
Sahp gets p/t job and claims tc in their own right as an employee plus 70% of childcare costs. Hence taking more from the pot, still not paying any more if any tax.

Sahp could get f/t work still receive tc, cb and 70% childcare which would be more than if they worked pt. If min wage still not paying tax, but taking even more from the pot.

If you are going to comment on the system and name call please understand how this works first.

A sahp with partner on low income don't take half as much from the pot as other situations can.

GinnelsandWhippets · 15/02/2015 17:20

The determination with which women judge other women is relentless.

Yup. Everyone has shit to deal with and it'd be a whole lot easier if you could just get on with it without snarky head-tilty questions about 'but don't you miss the baby/work/whatever' or behind -your-back comments about how smug you are. Gah!

MaryWestmacott · 15/02/2015 17:31

Another here that if I'd married DH for 'money' I think I'd be rather disappointed... (and probably would have pushed him to take the recent job offer he got that would have been a significant jump up in income but would make him miserable so he declined).

"I don't need to work" can just mean they've heard over and over towards the end of maternity leave "I don't want to go back to work but we need the money." having arranged your finances to be able to live off one wage does make sense, particularly if you plan to have more than DC, you have to earn a lot to afford 2 pre-schoolers in full time nursery... (that'll be best part of £2k a month round here.)

BrendaBlackhead · 15/02/2015 17:41

I probably do need to work, financially, but I have said this phrase to a pig-ignorant smug woman who said to me, "Oh, I couldn't let my brain rot staying at home." This from a person whose mother turns up at her house at 7am five days a week to look after her children.

So sometimes poor old maligned SAHMs do shoot back something when they're being castigated yet again for trying to do the right thing. And, as others have noted, many of us did not catch a rich man. I met dh at university - I think all he owned was a large collection of NMEs, a larger box of scuffed records and some "trendy" Oxfam jackets.

lotsofcheese · 15/02/2015 17:41

I think it's ok to say: "I don't need to work".

But the "financially" added on the end is crass/vulgar.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 15/02/2015 18:24

It isn't fraudulent to rent your house to a relative who is eligible for housing benefit at all. You do have to declare that you are related and you do have to jump through a few hoops to show that it is not a 'contrived' tenancy deliberately set up to defraud the system, but who it's paid out to is irrelevant. Just because his parents can afford to invest in a house to rent out doesn't mean they should be morally or legally obliged to house their adult child's family for nothing.

The fact that the son might one day inherit the house is irrelevant. He'd inherit it if they rented it to a total stranger. What difference does it make?

toobusytothink · 15/02/2015 18:29

I have been known to say similar and don't mean it smugly at all. In fact, I'm a teacher and I think it's nice for people to know that I do it because I love it and not because I need the money.

WhistlingPot · 15/02/2015 18:38

Thanks for that clarification DontDrink. Good points.

Mocheenee · 15/02/2015 19:27

Hi, I never implied what they were doing was illegal - it just seems wrong on moral grounds.
This woman has no intention in working, she has made this clear and has stated clearly her reasons -ie why should she work when she has no financial need to, as they pay no rent and therefore have a large disposable income. She is proud of this, and it is this that feels wrong to me. Other families I know work themselves into the ground to have what she has - how is that right?? Also, the In Laws would never have bought a house to rent to strangers - they did this because this woman was being evicted from her rental house due to not maintaining the property but wanted to stay in the same street. Hence the In Laws buying a property a few doors up for this family to live in. All legal I know - but just leaves a sour taste.

Mocheenee · 15/02/2015 19:31

morethan
If you are paying your own mortgage then I don't think anyone could call you a leech - I certainly didnt. I don't know your circumstances - but I know hers, and she is living a lifestyle that not many people I know can afford - is that right ?

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 19:38

What?

The thread is reduced to some random woman?
Really?

TheChandler · 15/02/2015 20:00

Christ alive. Most of this thread is ' I know a dickhead and want to extrapolate her views across all sahm/whom'

Alternatives being?

  • criticise all SAHMS in case they fall into the category of golddigger/lazy/indolent?
  • Have no opinion on the matter, or on anything really, other than the weather and choice of schools - in which case no-one is forcing you to be here rather than reading the Happy Clappy Press
  • Pretend to post about a real character and risk a bitchfight
SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 15/02/2015 20:01

Moch, it's what many do since tax credits come in. Morethan has said before they allowed them to purchase a second home.

It's not right but legal. Universal credit will take some of it away but there are ways round it as people are discovering.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 20:03

Alternative being - I'm not fucking thick and I recognise that life is filled with real women doing their best.

And I try not to be a cunt.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 20:04

Strong emphasis on the whole 'try not to be a cunt' thing.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/02/2015 20:04

My alternative is turning off the computer and going to do something useful/more interesting than this.

I might just toss a "ffs" in on my way out.

FFS!

TweedAddict · 15/02/2015 20:10

I've said it before, but not to be smug, more of how proud of my partner. He's worked bloody well hard to get where he is and I want to shout that from the roof tops!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/02/2015 20:11

I have said similar and honestly not in a bragging way. I felt uncomfortable sort of guilty explaining to my work friends ect.. why wasn't returning.

I really wanted to enjoy dd and embrace my Mother Earth. Now 20 months in I'm gagging to get back to work!

MegCleary · 15/02/2015 20:20

I stopped work a few months ago as it was hell & we could just survive on DHs wage. Now we have weirdly come into some money and we don't know what to do. I was planning on going back in sept but would feel bad sending children to holiday clubs etc when not "necessarily" required. DH & the children are loving the lifestyle we have now I'm not working and I may be hard to give that up for the small amount of money I would make outside home.

Odd one.