"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

[TerraNovice]

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

I've said thus on occasion.

My back story is after being the main earner since I left school, taking the time out on maternity x2 in the last 2 and s half years meant has made me reevaluate what is important to me.

My job wasn't the kind of job you could do with children without a very good support network and the money was very limited unlike the hours expected.

Dp then realised the money in contracting so started doing that and in doing so has over tripled our annual income without me working albeit at a price of working away Monday to Friday. This leaves even fewer options for me for childcare so for now I won't be working.

I don't mean it smugly at all. I am very fortunate sbd my career meant nothing to me. Infact. Time out of it made me realise how unhealthy it was for me.

Given there are about 010 reasons children do better when mothers work I dispute the original statement. They are not lucky not to work. They are probably damaging their children by not working. Each to their own.

Oh fuck off

I suspect most children do better when their mother is not an astonishingly shortsighted twat.

Why assume they have rich husbands. I can afford to take a few years out to spend with my DCs until they start school as I bought a house, paid off the mortgage and saved enough money before meeting my DH. I earned twice what he now earns. Not that anyone in real life would enquire into our financial situation as it is nobody else's business. You are the one making the rich hisband assumption.

Have to agree with pag there

Why thank you Rufus

[twatwatch]

SnowWhite, quit with your vitriol against MoreThan.

It's boring.

Mothers damage children by looking after them during hours when they might otherwise be at work? How does that make sense?

Snow
living frugally, having a small mortgage, making a profit from past house sales, and a small inheritance enabled us to buy another home. We have tax credits and cb as well.

You got anything else?

You'll be saying they pay for dds school fees next, you are getting a bit boring now.

I've said similar things in the past. Not about that precise issue but, for instance, I've said 'yes, we are really lucky to be able to go on holiday so often (because we use my family's house abroad at no cost other than air fare and it costs us a fraction of what a similarly lovely holiday would cost if we had to rent a house of that size)'. Lucky is the nice way to put it, surely?

The nasty way to put it would be to point out that of course we get to go on a lovely foreign holiday three times a year to a massive old house with a pool and glorious countryside and good weather because, wahey, my family is rich compared to most. The fact that they have more money than most is PURE DUMB LUCK on my part. I didn't do anything for it. I am immensely fortunate. How else should I describe it? And I wasn't bragging about going on holiday a lot btw, just responding to a query about what are you doing at Easter, are you going away AGAIN, gosh you always seem to be away in the holidays, didn't you go away for three weeks last summer, etc etc etc. I really hope describing myself as lucky didn't make me sound smug! On the contrary, it was an attempt to sound unsmug as I do recognise that it is just luck that has gifted me with a family member who was rich enough to buy a lovely holiday house and doesn't always want to be in it and is kind enough to lend it to us for no money at all.

Last year, I was made redundant. I wasn't too fussed because I knew something would come up eventually (this part isn't lucky, I have worked very hard for the skills that I have and always made the most of any business connections, which did eventually turn up quite a good job) and DH's salary is sufficient to pay our bills and buy the odd takeaway or trip to the pub (this part is partly luck because I mainly chose him because he makes me laugh a lot and is kind rather than for earning potential, which at the time we met was minimal). I am sure I will have said to friends 'we're really lucky that we don't have to worry about me not working for a bit'. We ARE really lucky. How on earth else could I have described it? When working or not working is an issue, as with redundancy or returning after maternity leave, of course people discuss these things with their friends! If you know someone's being made redundant or returning to work after maternity leave, surely your friends notice and hope that things are OK/worry about issues you may face/want to know what's going on? I really hope nobody found me smug. I would be very upset by that, as actually I am not smug. I am a person who genuinely feels very lucky in all kinds of ways (not all monetary) and realises full well that I have been extremely fortunate to have had the kind of life that has given me all these good things.

As it goes, I went back to work after maternity leave when my DD was five and a half months old and I was distraught, quite frankly. And at that point, I did have to work because we needed the money. But we all survived and I am lucky to have my daughter at all, given that I'm frankly rubbish at getting pregnant.

Most of my ante-natal group didn't go back to work, at least not until a few years later. I didn't think they were smug. I thought they were bloody LUCKY.

Mothers damage children by looking after them during hours when they might otherwise be at work? How does that make sense?

treaclesoda-I assume JillyR2015 is being sarcastic/taking the piss?????

Jilly

I would like to hear these reasons as everybody likes to think they are doing the best for their children.
I'm sure sahp's would be very interested in how they are damaging their children.

Ahhh These threads get so heated that I actually thought that was a serious comment

treacle

Me too.

I wonder why SAHM might feel defensive....

I have said this. In the context of someone saying that they were sad they had to go back to work so soon because they were the main wage earner. I wanted them to know that I appreciated my situation. We then had a conversation about how she would appreciate maintaining and advancing her career as her kids grew older.

I do feel lucky. I didn't marry a rich man but he has become a high earner and (perhaps temporarily, who knows) we are comfortable on one salary.

I personally feel that young children do better with a parent at home and am lucky enough that this is a viable option for us. I manage to have this view and have friends who would disagree and both parents work. I also have friends who agree but have to work and friends who disagree but have ended up staying home.

I've had this said to me a few times and the majority of those, it did come across as smug. But they were twats in general to be fair.

Both money and parenting can be incredibly emotive issues. For those people who are struggling to make ends meet, it will sting when they are juggling work pressures with child are and running a house and still having problems with money while others are seeming to live the the easy life.

Add that to an oft held opinion that no good mother works and you shouldn't outsource your parenting and it's easy to see why sometimes people get defensive.

Most stay at home mums I know are not like this and have their own battles to fight but I have met some. It does seem a little crass to me to point it out though, almost like talking about how much you earn.

If a woman has enough money to live on without input from her husband then bloody good for her. I hope it's far more common than I suspect it is.

I really don't understand why people generally feel the need to ask other people about their work / parenting situation. Surely it's really no one elses business. I get this a lot with my youngest, as he is starting school in September. Some women ask me all the time when I'm going back to work, how will I fill my time etc. I find it really awkward to answer, as dh is a reasonably high earner and I'm not in a massive rush to return to work, as my oldest dc is also starting secondary school and I suspect I'll be needed a fair bit by her at that point. If I try and justify myself, I often get a cats bum face staring at me in disgust. I mean why the hell do people ask if they don't want to hear the answer.

ihate i got the same reaction but from the opposite reason: i went back to work!

Just goes to show we can't win Nolim!

I know people like this. They often seem to feel superior to people like me (single parent/on benefits). I so want to point out to them that the only difference is they have a man that supports them rather than running off at the first instance.
Our positions could have so easily been reversed.

Disclaimer: this is only directed at the sahms who make a point of talking about how much their 'hubbies' earn, how they've never had to work and are generally quite spoilt.

I had a friend that I dropped because she made me feel like shit. She didn't work but she sure loved to shop using her husbands credit card. She once came round my house for a coffee and proceeded to have a "little look" in my wardrobe. She was genuinely shocked that I "had so few clothes" and "how on earth do you cope with so little?"
At this point I was working but I was still a lone parent so money was always tight and having a roof over our heads was more of a priority. This from a woman who has never worked and never plans to (I've worked my whole life except right now and I'll be working again soon).

I say this, but what I really want to say is 'Actually, I'm trapped in poverty because of needing to care for my son, who can't access childcare due to his autism.'

I don't technically 'need' to work, because we just about hang in there with DH's wage, tax credits and Carer's Allowance (and yes, I have fully declared my odd few days of work and it's fine because I earn below the threshold of what's allowed), but when I can get work around school and DH's shifts, it eases the pressure a bit.

I have worked full time/part time and been a sahm.

I never once considered what any other bugger thought of us as a family and couldn't give a flying fuck how other families work their dynamics.

Best keep noses out of others business really.

On the work point if dh and I win the lottery neither of us would work ever again. Ever.

Also really in 2015 we are bitching about who ate better mothers?

Sahm v working? Really still.