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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
RitaOrange · 15/02/2015 15:11

The person who said that is looking at it from her point of view Op and isnt trying to offend you or boast.
I view any sort of financial talk rather sniffily tbh < Protestant up bringing> Grin

I would view long term SAH as the worst thing that could happen to me as I would go stark staring mad within a few months as I enjoy working out of the home so much.
I get that others feel differently.
Hence I WOH even though I could easily afford to give up.
It gives me stimulation, purpose and creativity ,I understand that others feel constrained and stifled by WOH and choose differently.

Stop asking why and stop justifying- there is no need.

RufusTheReindeer · 15/02/2015 15:23

I know people who SAHM on a household income of, £30k, £45k, 60k, £120k and £180k

All of whom feel lucky to do what they want to do, most of whom want to do something out of the house once their children have reached the 'right' stage of schooling

I would SAHP i am lucky to not have to work with my friends in the same circumstances or if pushed in conversation. It's not something I would say to my friends who work because they need to financially (or within earshot!) or complete strangers who just ask what I do

On MN I will now start saying it's because

"I am a fucking lazy cow who is taking advantage of my doormat husband who is going to leave me at any moment"

Or IAAFLCWITAOMDHWIGTLMAAM for short

ihategeorgeosborne · 15/02/2015 15:38

I have been in a situation where I've felt like I had to say to someone, "my husband earns ok money, so at the moment I don't have to work". I was trying hard not to sound boastful as that was most definitely not my intention. The person in question seems to have a real issue with me being a SAHM and said to me once "you're really lucky not having to work. We're not entitled to any benefits ourselves". She really pissed me off quite honestly, so I felt the need to let her know that we were not entitled to any benefits either.

TheChandler · 15/02/2015 15:44

YANBU I know where you're coming from. Girl in my class did this quite deliberately I think. We were all in the same group as law students, group of friends. We all did much the same things in life as you do, getting a boyfriend, splitting up, meeting the one you married, graduating, career, children, back to career on some basis or other once possible.

She never worked. The nicest guy in the class was mad on her but she kept turning him down and kept him hanging. None of us could understand why. Then she trained as a personal trainer, quickly got together with one of her clients, a much older man, balding and paunchy, but with money. Moved in with him, married, she did sports (but not so that she could have lived on the income) for a few years, then just swanned around for a bit, before having kids.

Before she had kids, every time you met her and asked her how she was (you would have to bump into her in the shops because she didn't bother to keep in touch), she would very quickly get into the conversation the words "I live in X Road" (the most expensive road in our city). Now its "My kids go to X School").

Do I respect her? Not one bit. You also get the feeling she would use you for as long as you were useful to her, then spit you out like a piece of used chewing gum. She set out to get a man with money, when she was quite capable of working herself, ended up with a physically quite repulsive one - what sort of person can do that? She was quite pretty, but we all were at that age, but even the one who did modelling part-time to fund herself through uni still works now, as do those of us who have husbands who are well paid enough themselves.

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2015 15:44

Bloody hell, it seems some people in here want anyone with more than them to don sack cloth and be flogged every day.

noddyholder · 15/02/2015 15:47

SO many women discussing themselves in terms of their dh's money/jobs

DoingTheBestICan · 15/02/2015 15:48

I was a sahm for the first three years of my ds' life as we both saved as much money as we could. We saved like mad and went without for the first eight years of our marriage, it was nothing to do with being a lucky cow that dh earns a good wage.

TheChandler · 15/02/2015 15:53

And do I think she's lucky? No, I think she's pretty unfortunate. She's missed out on so much sex with a youngish man your own age notwithstanding. Its so much nicer to strive for things yourself and to earn them, even if you do become a SAHM at some stage in your life. All those little milestones - first mortgage on your own property, first family home you buy together, promotion at work, earned through your own effort, not someone else's. A career to go back to (even if it means taking a de-motion) should it all go tits up. Instead, she has pegged herself onto someone else's effort. Whenever I see her, she is alone or with the kids - never with him. They never seem to do anything together. I don't think she has many friends now, as she was too pleased with herself and how much money she had compared to us who were working to come along to our invitations.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:55

Well yes TheChandler. But she sounds like a rather strange person who persued a partner for money. So not really the same as your average sahm.

Hmm
Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:57

If I had persued DH for money I would have been very optimistic given that he was 19.
Some of us earnt quite well on our own.

ihategeorgeosborne · 15/02/2015 16:00

I certainly didn't pursue dh for his money. When we left university, I was the higher earner of the two us and he had enough debt for both of us Grin

noddyholder · 15/02/2015 16:05

You can' really say what others have missed out on by comparing it to your idea of what is fulfilling!

RessyMedHair · 15/02/2015 16:06

Sorry to read that noddy! :o
Stay well.

RessyMedHair · 15/02/2015 16:07

Omg that was a shocked face. Morto that my reaction to yr health status came out as a big grin.

RessyMedHair · 15/02/2015 16:09

Yes it is odd that some people cant get that what is the best decision for one person isnt automatically best dwcision for another.

noddyholder · 15/02/2015 16:15

Don't worry and def don't be mortified Grin

Mocheenee · 15/02/2015 16:20

I have no issues with SAHM's - providing they are not leeching off the state. By this I am specifically thinking of one mum at our school.
Her husband has a relatively low paid job, therefore they get full housing benefit, tax credits etc. She chooses not to work because the State allows it - this is wrong. Not to mention that she lives in a house owned by her in laws, so the state is paying a mortgage albiet indirectly via housing benefit on a property that her husband will also inherit one day. She is very open bout this and pretty shameless too. Just seems so wrong. Perhaps this particular case is rare but it seems immoral to me when so many of us are working our arses off to pay the bills/childcare/mortgage etc
Any SAHM who has a DH who can support the family - good luck to them - I have to be honest I would love to be in that position.

Delatron · 15/02/2015 16:24

I feel sorry for those stuck at home.

Well I feel sorry for those stuck in an office, sat at a desk all day (I know not all jobs are like this).

How is a SAHM stuck at home all day anyway? You are free to go wherever you like, when you like.

squizita · 15/02/2015 16:25

It's the constant judgement. Also the focus on dh all the time ... would people judge if I said "I am lucky to have a job which pays very well, is in schools so fits round family life (one reason I chose it) and which I enjoy a great deal. It also enabled me to save up so I could take long maternity leave." and leave my dh out of it.
Even if dh earned not a penny over my maternity, the mortgage and bills would be covered. I'm actually very proud of this: I planned it and did it so dd would be ultra secure in her first years. My luck is that I got education and a job that enabled that: I don't want to be a sahp but equally would find a just-for-money job depressing, the reason I want to work is the job is rewarding and a good example to my child.

I consider myself very lucky indeed. I also think I made good choices to maximise luck.

...So why do I feel guilty writing this? Is there some unwritten "women be humble" rule? I'd say yes.

TheWindowDonkey · 15/02/2015 16:28

As i explained to my 9 year old last week...everyone likes to feel lucky, and if they experess it it's mostly because they want to feel good about themselves. Who cares what the motivation behind that is? God knows as humans, and mothers, we are given enough reason to feel BAD about ourselves and our choices...the person expressing their luck is giving you a chance to make them feel good, and perhaps that just what they need right now?

If someone says they feel lucky then why not just be open minded enough to say 'thats great, i can see that makes you happy, how lovely!'

Of course everyone thinks their choices are the right ones, because often they are...FOR THEM, and frankly thats all that matters. :)

Glad to see that actually loads of us seem perfectly happy with our choices! I thn we are ALL lucky to be able to do one or the other...150 years ago we'd have had very little!!!

TheWindowDonkey · 15/02/2015 16:28

Very little choice that is. :)

morethanpotatoprints · 15/02/2015 16:37

moch

I am in the same position as the woman you are talking about.
It's nice to be called a leech.
We do have a small mortgage though.
You have the choice to do this too, I can't see why she should have any shame tbh. There are lots of people living like this, you do whats best for your family.

Philoslothy · 15/02/2015 16:44

I suppose it depends on the context in which it is said. I may have said something along these lines but I would not say it to somebody who was agonising about going back to work.

It is also about acknowledging that I have just been incredibly lucky rather than seeking to claim that my current position is solely down to my own efforts.

Philoslothy · 15/02/2015 16:45

I certainly am not trapped at home or in need of pity, I spend my life more or less doing exactly as I please. If I wanted to work I would but I don't want to,

Mmmbacon · 15/02/2015 16:46

Oh yadnbu, I had this recently had hard day at work, was on phone to sahm who was asking me to do something for youth group we are in, I mentioned I was tired hadn't eaten etc and was driving home so could we talk later, next thing I know she's asking would I not work less hours, be a sahm, she gave up work to be at home with her small children, and obviously lucky we can afford for me to be Home was mentioned, I was actually insulted, I've been a single parent, worked put myself through professional exams and was put in position where I felt like my choices were being judged and also if only I didn't work I would have more time to donate to the club, really didn't sit well with me,

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