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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
MrsThor · 20/02/2015 17:45

It is hard going bag after a significant gap, I took a year before returning but I must admit I did feel like a new start. It did however feel good being "me" again, I think I had become a bit obsessed with blanching broccoli!

Working or not working I still ended up doing everything that I said I wouldn't, tv, xbox and yes even McDonalds Grin

RufusTheReindeer · 20/02/2015 18:45

mee

I fucking didn't know what treacle meant,

Still don't know who jilly is and have no idea what she may or may not have said in the past

I'm not in any fucking flag waving group!

treacle I'm always posting something quite flippant and then re reading and thinking....SHHIIITTT!! Grin

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 18:59

Rufus, me too! Not very often, but on occasion. I made the mistake of thinking that as Jilly can give it out, and frequently does, than she should be able to take it.
Should do as my Mother always advises: treat others as you want to be treated.
It's hard though, on Mumsnet.
I much prefer it when I know nothing of the posters history. It grates when someone in a privileged position (which I'm only aware of thanks to previous posts) dishes out advice to the ordinary folk. I need to switch off the Ipad and walk away....

MrsThor · 20/02/2015 19:04

Meech

Wine Wine Wine

Its Friday have a wee vino

Nolim · 20/02/2015 19:07

Agree. Everyone have a Wine or a Brew and chillax.

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 19:09

I am. I have one right next to me. A large one.Grin

treaclesoda · 20/02/2015 19:10

Thank goodness I'm not the only one who does it. Grin I really did cringe when I came back a few hours later and realised that it had not come across as I intended.

FWIW if Jilly is the poster I think she is (under her previous name) she has exasperated and I'll be honest, upset, me on occasion with her pronouncements. She has also chatted with me very pleasantly and been very kind and understanding on occasions, whilst discussing exactly the same thing. Mumsnet is a funny old world really!

MrsThor · 20/02/2015 19:11

lol good for you Wink

RufusTheReindeer · 20/02/2015 19:25

Right!!!

Next round is on me Wine

The funny thing about mumsnet is that we are all getting together nicely

And in a few hours someone will post something like

"All SAHM/WOHM are dreadful mothers"

And it will all kick off again Grin

MrsThor · 20/02/2015 19:30

Its fine having an opinion but it is stating that opinion as fact that drives me nuts

Oh my glass is empty

Wine Wine Wine

Panic over

MrsTripTucker · 20/02/2015 19:53

Actually I do think I'm lucky that financially I can stay at home. Because if my husband wasn't on reasonably good money we'd be screwed as I can't find a job that would cover the cost of childcare. Personally I would prefer to have a job but out financial set up takes the pressure off me to find something is worth doing.
Maybe some women are smug about it but I don't think I or a lot of other parents in this position are. It's more of a 'there for the grace of God go I' kind of attitude.

AuntieDee · 21/02/2015 08:19

My and my OH have been discussing it and he has decided as he earns significantly less than me, he is going to be a SAHD. I would love to be the one at home but it just doesn't make sense, once my mat leave is over :(

JillyR2015 · 21/02/2015 08:36

AD, don't be sad about that - be glad. It means he changes load of nappies a day and does a lot of the housework and you get the good balanced parts like most fathers get and working mothers get. Lucky you.

Meechimoo · 21/02/2015 08:51

Jilly, did you read what she said? She said she'd love to be the one at home?

JillyR2015 · 21/02/2015 08:52

I know and I was giving comfort and succour and telling her ultimately she will find it is much much better not at a home and she is getting by far the better deal. So now she can read my words and go away happy and content knowing she has chosen the right course. Thus do I do good.

Meechimoo · 21/02/2015 09:05

allrighty then

kitchentableagain · 21/02/2015 09:11

No jilly you totally dismissed her feelings! She's NOT happy to be fulfilling YOUR ideal situation, it isn't hers. Do you really think "i say it's better so ta-dah now you are happy again" works?

auntiedee Flowers that sucks. Can you get flexibility so your DH can work PT and you can get a bit more time with your LO? Or even just work flexi so you can be home in mornings and work in the evening when LO is sleeping? How old is your baby, things always feel more "forever" than they really are when they're tiny, but stuff changes all the time, nothing is set in stone (so try not to worry about the finality of the decision because it's false in most families).

Meechimoo · 21/02/2015 09:14

God I really really shouldn't bite, but Jilly tell me this:
you've said countless times that you returned to work about a fortnight after giving birth. You've never been a sahm. So tell me please, how do you know what it's like? If you'd had a year of maternity leave I could perhaps understand that you didn't enjoy it, but 2 weeks recovery from childbirth isn't giving you any sense of being a sahm. So you can't really say that it's "by far the better deal" because you haven't ever been a sahm ?

NickyEds · 21/02/2015 09:46

I do think there is a danger in sanctifying woman who stay home as if it were a sacred wonderful fascinating life and they are holy or worthy for doing it and that it is a higher calling.

I don't think there's any such danger. If this thread is to be believed quite the opposite is true! SAHP have been portrayed as short sighted,boring, lazy and (lest we forget) damaging their children. People don't think of SAHPs as holy and worthy they see it more or less as it is: a financial necessity or a lifestyle choice (or a bit of both).

LinesThatICouldntChange · 21/02/2015 09:55

Auntiedee- kitchentable has some good, practical suggestions about part time/ flexi working, Which might enable you and your DH could perhaps each Achieve a better balance.
But remember your child will be fine either way.

And this isnt dismissing your feelings, which are clearly very real, but it may reassure you to know that it's quite normal to feel like you do when maternity leave is drawing to a close, and you may well find the actual return to work far easier than the thinking about it.

I sometimes wonder what id have chosen if, after having my dc1, we could have afforded for me to stay at home. I suspect, in all honesty I might have given up work, mainly because 12 weeks maternity leave is quite short and being at home seemed far easier than the thought of combining parenting and working! However, we needed my income so I went back. although physically it was tougher than being at home, i realised pretty quickly that dd was fine, we were keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table and i was retaining my place in the workforce. It was working out fine. Suffice to say that when dc 2 and 3 came along, by which time DH was earning more, mortgage rates were lower and we could afford for me to stay at home, I actually chose to continue working even though childcare cost the equivalent of my salary!

This isn't about me saying 'do as I do' because everyones feelings and thoughts are unique to them. If in your situation, you would genuinely prefer to be a SAHP and your DH would genuinely prefer to be a WOHP, then it's sad that you can't achieve that right now, but you could hopefully reach some compromise through both working part time, your DH looking to increase his earning power etc. And in the meantime try to focus on the fact that your child isn't missing out and will thrive.

I just wanted to share my experience because sonetimes even a situation of no choice can be really good. I can honestly say that having children was the best thing I ever did, and staying in the workplace was the second best thing I did.

FireflySerenity · 21/02/2015 10:03

I don't think being a SAHM is looked at by most as being a "higher calling". Why on earth would it be. Anybody pretty much can be a parent, there's no minimum education etc needed for it.

Let's face it, looking after the house and parenting is hardly mind tasking.

kitchentableagain · 21/02/2015 10:11

lines your long and eloquent post made me feel bad!

I definitely agree that auntiedee's kid(s) will do great however their family works this issue out, and I don't think there's anything wrong with reframing for people to reassure them that things will work out. I did just think jilly's approach was excessively flippant. I would have felt the same if someone had said "i'm stuck having to sah and hate my life" and someone else had responded "but it's what I do and it's the best choice!".

kitchentableagain · 21/02/2015 10:13

What I'm trying to say is I realise it's not what is said, it's how it's said.

:)

whattheseithakasmean · 21/02/2015 10:14

Auntiedee other posters are right, it is not necessarily perfect to return to work, but there are many positives as well - take this from someone heading out of the intense years of childrearing.

I did not manage it, because my life did not go to plan. Now my youngest is 12 I am finally back full time and I have been very lucky to secure a good professional job (though I did always keep a toe in the world of work).

Believe me, it is wonderful to have a full time salary, full time pension - but I have lost a good 17 years of pension as a full timer and that sucks. I am also at least one rung below where I would be if I had been able to stick with it - maybe more.

I do feel all the hard choices are lumped on women, but remember if staying at home was so great, men would do it and in general they don't. Once the children are older there is a lot to be said for maintaining a career. I would advise any woman to be very cautious about giving up work completely. I think more men should be prepared to step up to the plate, like your DH. Remember, it is his career that is being shafted, not yours.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 21/02/2015 10:15

Firefly- I agree that pretty much anyone can become a biological parent- no great shakes in impregnating someone or pushing a baby out. However, I think good parenting is something completely different, and requires huge patience, acceptance, insight and many other qualities. I can see where you're coming from though... This has nothing to do with being a SAHP/ WOHP per se, since it's entirely possible to be a good (or bad) parent whether you're at home or work.

Intimately what matters is living a living as good and fulfilling a life oneself, and raising our children to do likewise. And there's no one size fits all on how to do that.

Btw I do largely agree with you about housework... In 2015 with labour saving devices and Internet shopping, there's nothing particularly noteworthy about getting housework done