Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 20/02/2015 13:32

meech you are not attacking opinions.

You are attacking a poster. Personally.

It makes you look grubby and idiotic.

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 13:38

Yeah whatever. You're entitled to that opinion. You're wrong though.

TheWordFactory · 20/02/2015 13:39

Are you twelve years old meech ?

You sound so silly.

Nolim · 20/02/2015 13:40

Sigh.
That last one made me giggle.

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 13:41

It's clear that I was attacking her views.
Crystal clear.

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 13:42

Ouch. I'm hurt.

TheWordFactory · 20/02/2015 13:44

Thirteen then ?

JillyR2015 · 20/02/2015 13:47

It is always a shame when threads divert from an interesting topic to talk about me (or anyone else). I started it by asking about the person who had moved to Ireland and seemed a bit stuck in where she was. However Je suis Charlie etc and thankfully we live in a country where we can discuss topics still rather than curtailed by ISIS or the Saudis into suggesting a woman's place is always at home.

My children's father and I earned similar amounts when we started having children and certainly did not have a lot of spare money. I can certainly remember the years of commuting into London, no cleaner, hard times, little money so I am not like some kind of privileged princess who has never had a tough standard working parent time. I don't even now have any savings so I am not some mega league footballers' wife or owner of Santander type woman.

I do think there is a danger in sanctifying woman who stay home as if it were a sacred wonderful fascinating life and they are holy or worthy for doing it and that it is a higher calling. That is the only point I have tired to make on the last few posts. I would rather talk about the topic than the personalities. I spent 3 decades in part trying to encourage women to fulfil their potential. I found a recording of me on Woman's hour recently from 20 years ago all on similar themes. If even one woman takes a little risk and starts her own business or applies for another job or is more vociferous in insisting on higher pay or even makes her husband clean the toilets every weekend then my time will have been well spent.

JillyR2015 · 20/02/2015 13:49

... although I just booked the December skiing holiday today so not suggesting am poor..... and when I eventually got hold of one of my daughters she has worked 3 of the last 4 weekends. Not unhappily but still very hard worker (good her) we do all make choices in life and reap what we sow in life.

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 13:55

Clearly I've hit a nerve Word.

Have a word with yourself.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 20/02/2015 14:05

Consider yourself well and truly told off eh Wordfactory?!

MrsThor · 20/02/2015 14:15

If we could use some of this passion, intelligence and energy shown on this thread into helping women who really don't have choices the world would be a better place

As part of my job I have helped women (who are employed in low paid care roles) gain qualifications such as SVQs or HNCs, not a huge deal to some in terms of education, but to people who have had a poor experience of school and subsequently no confidence in themselves, it has indeed been a big deal

Some have gone on to complete a degree in Social Work, others have been delighted with the qualification they have achieved. In all however, there has been an increase in confidence, a sense of achievement and a realisation that they have the ability to actually have a career

Im not saying having a career is the only way a woman can feel worthwhile ( I have been fulltime, sahm and part time) but the point is that these women were supported to find ways to feel empowered

Lets stop the arguing and use the intelligence and passion demonstrated on here to help other women

JillyR2015 · 20/02/2015 14:19

I am sure most of us support that MrsThor. Most of us are united on most points. We are all mothers with children with similar issues whatever our circumstances.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 20/02/2015 14:32

Hear hear MrsThor

I'd also add that those of us 'oldies', with adult children, have lived through the era of far less flexibility regarding these issues; eg: 12 weeks
Maternity leave, no paternity leave, no automatic right to request
Flexible working...and we've all come through the other side, and are thankful that things are changing for the better. Many of us have combined working with parenting over many years, as well as having periods of being at home, and we know that there's more than one way to skin a cat. My adult children are fine... No doubt theyd
Have been equally fine if I'd been a SAHM, or indeed if DH had been a SAHD. Just because one way works out fine, doesn't mean that all other possible routes wouldn't have done.

TheBitchFinderGeneral · 20/02/2015 14:56

The amount of sour grapes on this thread is just overwhelming.

treaclesoda · 20/02/2015 15:54

Can I just reiterate my apology. I really really didn't mean that Jilly wished someone's relatives dead. I really didn't. It was poorly judged on my part. Yes, I was being sarcastic, but in my head I was aiming for humour, not nastiness. And I got it wrong.

For the record, I am a SAHM but I don't think it is some saintly occupation or that I deserve a pat on the back for doing it. But it would also be nice not to be thought of as lower than low for doing it either.

If my life had gone to plan, if things had worked out how I wanted them to, then I would be working, earning good money in a job that I found fulfilling. But it didn't, and like most people I'm just trying to get on with things, dealing with the hand I've been dealt and trying to make the best of it. I don't love being a SAHM particularly, but it has never made me as miserable as working in a boring job.

MrsThor · 20/02/2015 16:15

No treacle you shouldn't be made to feel lower than low for being a sahm

Its sometimes feels that we as women cant win, when I was a sahm my working friends would ask "but what do you do all day", it was perhaps more the way they said it....since going back to work my sahm friends have asked "oh I could never (so and so) how do you do it"

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 16:19

They knew what you meant Treacle, but couldn't resist a spot of opportunistic flag waving. I find Mumsnet fascinating. It fascinates me that some can overlook/ignore/turn a blind eye to the worst excesses of posters because they share the same broad views.

And it's an interesting question, as to whether a posters previous posting history is pertinent to a thread. I usually avoid these threads because I know that certain posters will make the same generalisations and judgements time and timeagain and usually have an agenda.
Even when it's a non sham bashing thread, they can slip in a few barbs. There was a thread about Jamie Oliver where a regular on the sahm vs wohm argument made an odd remark about Joolz Oliver in relation to her being a sahm. Wasn't even about sahms or Mrs. Oliver.

TheChandler · 20/02/2015 16:27

Cheer up Treacle, I've been looked down upon and made to feel worthless for working (by a few women who don't have to work). Not necessarily SAHMs, more a few women who had simply never worked but had either inherited or been given money by their parents, or married a man with enough money for them to live on, and often with an adult daughter or two still living at home, planning to do exactly the same.

They've definitely given me a bit of sniffy, snooty attitude. Comments like "I don't have to go out to work, thank goodness", "you don't have to commute all that way each day do you, what time do you get up? Oh I couldn't be bothered with all that" or "I let my man do all the hard work". Just stupid throwaway comments not worth taking seriously by a very few.

They generally have no interest in what I do as a job, whereas when you meet new people its usually an easy conversation opener.

TheWordFactory · 20/02/2015 16:55

treacle has had the good grace to explain and apologise.

meech however stated that she had no doubts what jilly meant ie that she wished another posters relatives would die.

That statement stands very clearly!

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 17:05

Word, serious question: why, when Jilly made comments about sahms being akin to prostitutes, didn't you pull her up on it or question her about it?
And I'm wondering what I'm supposed to be apologising for exactly? "I know exactly what she meant" =
I know that she meant "hopefully when they due you can live back where you want to live"
Knowing Jilly as well as you do, appearing on many of her threads, you'll be familiar with her often blunt style? That she tells it like it is. Has no time for housewives.
She's watered it down a tad, but I'm just wondering why you were silent when she was calling housewives prostitutes? And when I make a flippant remark I'm referred to as "idiotic, grubby, silly, twelve years old? "I've managed to discuss this thus far without calling you names.

Meechimoo · 20/02/2015 17:08

paraphrasing the oft voiced opinions of a prolific poster happens a lot on Mumsnet.
It doesn't constitute a personal attack.
A personal attack is saying "Mary stinks and has a big nose"
It is not a personal attack to passionately disagree with someone's opinions.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 20/02/2015 17:15

Well said treacle. As you rightly say, we all get on and live the most fulfilling life we can within the parameters which are individual to us all. And we all have to operate within the era we happen to live through too... As I said upthread, in an ideal world Id have given birth in 2015, taken a lovely six months off and transferred the next 6 months to DH. But I first gave birth 26 years ago and had 12 weeks. We just get on and do our best. And my children are happy, healthy adults so I can't ask for more really.

MrsThor · 20/02/2015 17:26

lines 12 weeks! god I think I was still in a state of shock by then, things really have progressed, although we still have a long way to go

When my ds was born (he is 9 now) my DH worked away for a month and was at home for a month, it was ideal he got a chance to attend all the parenting classes, change nappies and prepare all the Annabel Karmel recipes that I was obsessed with....did him the world of good (DH that is)

LinesThatICouldntChange · 20/02/2015 17:37

MrsThor- it sounds such a short time now doesn't it? But it was the norm back then so didn't feel strange.
My philosophy is very much to look for the positives in whatever situation... So although physically it was hard returning to work so soon (5.30 am
Breast feeds before dropping dd at the childminder!) there were undoubtedly upsides... No separation anxiety for the child, no settling in worries, and no time to feel out of the loop or having a confidence crisis work-wise.
Having said that, I'm all for progress, and as I've said several times, I think it's fabulous that it's now easier for both parents to have a better balance, and I'm a big supporter of shared parental leave.
At the end of the day though, what matters is living a fulfilling life oneself, and raising children to do the same. And that's got nothing to do with being a SAHP/ WOHP per se... It's perfectly possible to be a good (or bad) parent whether you're at work or home.