"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

[TerraNovice]

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

Meechimoo i havent read the whole thread but i seem to understand that you have no doubts whatsoever that jilly is wishing someone elses relatives to die???

Did i interpret that correctly?

Of course I didn't mean I wanted her relatives dead soon!
There is certainly a big issue with this though - that women end up caring for elderly relatives which is very unfair and usually does not benefit women. My mother was adamant she wanted us to lead our own lives as had seen too many people burdened by older relatives although we certainly would have been happy to have either of our parents living with us if they wanted it as they grew older - both sadly dead now and yes amazingly (despite the views of some on the thread about me) I would rather they were still alive and we (meaning men and women) were helping with them.

However I do not apologise for being a practical person who solves problems and gives solutions rather than just sympathises and talks. I think most of us are all the better for that. You look at the issue and you find ways to deal with it.

Duplodon herself said, very eloquently on this thread, that she's struggling incredibly with her lack of choice over being able to use her professional skills. She said its a constant mental struggle and that if her circumstances were different she'd trade her circumstances for access to good childcare and the ability to use her professional skills in a heartbeat.

So I hardly think someone making some practical suggestions about future possibilities, is 'wishing duplo's relatives were dead'.

I think jilly probably meant that when the care was too much for dup they may well go into a home and get specialised case

I don't agree with jilly on so many threads but I think insinuating that she meant them dying is a bit much

Agreed rufus

I disagree with Jilly over her stance on SAHM, but I admire her for her positivity and success.

The comments upthread were just plain offensive

And sometimes the only solution is acceptance of things as they are of course too. I am just as interested in internal happiness and satisfaction as ensuring women are not discriminated against although I draw the line at convincing ourselves dull domestic stuff is such an exciting or worthy a calling that saintly women should be kissing the feet of men for allowing us to reserve the hallowed ground entirely for our lucky selves.

For the record, I disagree with you on many fronts Jilly, but I don't think you wished anyone dead. You're still very very recognisable though, btw!

Just to add my twopence.

I very rarely agree with the points made by Jilly, I'm a sahm after all

However, I too don't think she wished anyone dead.

Ditto, to the still being recognised. You only need to post once and we all get it.

No, she didn't wish anyone dead. But the crass, flippant implication that "oh nevermind, when they die you can move where you want" was insensitive. Jillys opinions don't take into consideration the many thousands of carers looking after disabled children or elderly parents or partners. Or a combination of those. In other words, she doesn't care about individual circumstances and human frailty when she's banging the drum for the sisterhood and saying we should all get high six figure work from home jobs like her to fund the private school fees of 5 kids. Every family is different and a one size fits all prescription doesn't work.

It must be quite hard for anyone on line to know if another poster does not care about individual circumstances. The average IQ is only 100 so course we cannot say every woman can be a leading female surgeon however I do think women can be inspired to do all kinds of wonderful things and too many get stuck into a rut when they could achieve more.

(I've never tried to hide who I am)

It doesn't take a very long search to see from Jilly's very recognisable posting style that actually she does care very much about human frailty, and has a strong sense of family responsibility.

Disagreeing with her over certain issues is no excuse for downright nastiness

I don't actually believe that Jilly wished anyone's relatives dead either, I actually put the wrong emoticon at the end of the comment I was being sarcastic. And I'm sorry for offending anyone.

But the point I was making is that caring for elderly relatives is not just some temporary blip stopping people from earning money. This is people's lives, their families, the people they love and care about.

Anyway, bollocks to any 'sisterhood' nonsense: to bring it back to duplo, whose situation was under discussion:
She posted that every day is a mental struggle, and that much as she tries to adopt a positive mental approach to Her situation, she wishes it were different. She wishes that she could marry up her caring responsibilies with being able to use her professional skills and qualities. She said she would trade her situation 'in a heartbeat' (her words) for access to childcare and the capacity to be working professionally as well as in the home. I think that's a very honest, insightful position. And I too hope that the future enables her in some way to reconcile the different aspects of her life so that she feels more fulfilled. Her right to feel that way is as valid as any other member of her family.

And if anyone wants to interpret that as me wishing her relatives dead then please take a long hard look at yourself

It's ok Lines. Under another name Jilly once compared sahms to prostitutes, amongst other things. She's made Katie Hopkins style comments about sahms many many times in the past. Anything I've said pales by comparison, frankly.

Okay I am the only one here who has no idea who jilly is (i am mega crap with famous people - once oh said "hi" to a really well known famous footballer in the street and while he was still within earshot I said "who is he?", I also once chatted for 15mins to a lovely young woman at a rally I was at (political rally) and after she'd walked off somebody informed me she was a famous actress (i'd never heard of)!).

I'd say "give us a clue" but it'd probably need to be name, photo and exactly what she did to be famous so I won't.

I'm slightly concerned about the elderly care aspect. We can push for decent accessible, affordable childcare, but elderly care is also, unfortunately, a feminist issue. Isn't it?

and forgive me for feeling narked at women who earn high six figure salaries doing niche work from home employment doling out sage advice to women about childcare and fighting for feminism. Women who are, for most part, earning a fraction. Even in the highly paid professions. Still earning a pittance by comparison. In my opinion she really has no bloody clue.

Why are you telling me that? Jilly has made no secret of her name changes.
And I've already said I disagree with her stance on SAHM. To liken them to prostitutes is just as offensive as suggesting she wishes someone's relatives dead.

Jilly once advised not taking any maternity leave because it held the sisterhood back.
Fuck that.

I didn't suggest that. You interpreted that
There's a subtle difference.
And I know Jilly hasn't tried to hide her identity. I haven't said she is. I mentioned her posting history because been posters and anyone who doesn't recognise her, might think her new watered down identity is reasonable. When you remember what she's said before, about women taking zero maternity leave etc, it's hard to take anything she says about sahms seriously.

meech you are no longer engaging in any debate you are simply attacking another poster and trying to justify your vileness.

I thought about reporting them actually decided that no , it's good to see how low you're prepared to go!

Vileness? Lol! If it was someone calling out a sahm you wouldn't care. But you always always always pop up on these threads to make grim, unpleasant judgments on sahms. I guess when you have a husband who earns 'ridiculous' money and you earn a huge amount yourself as a writer, it's easy to assume that anyone can employ round the clock childcare
Please get a grip with your deliberately disproportionate use of the word 'vileness' whilst conveniently forgetting that the person you're defending so valiantly has posted some truly unpleasant things. None of which I ever recall you calling her on.

And yes, I will attack poisonous opinions like the suggestion that women should avoid holding the sisterhood back by taking NO maternity leave. That idea makes my blood boil. I took a year maternity leave and any woman who thinks it's a feminist ideal to leave a 2 week old baby in fulltime daycare is going to find her opinion under attack.

God the spitefulness on this thread is unbelievable.

I hate hypocrisy, wilful ignorance and selective judgement. Call it spite if that makes you happy.