"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

[TerraNovice]

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

I had one who didn't talk at nursery but went on to love. primary. Don't fret if you can help it concrete.

Hopefully funnyossity. She's been going to school every day since being a baby, taking DS and she likes it there so I'm hoping she feels more relaxed at school.
They stagger the intake of kids, usually start with the oldest but she'll be one of the youngest (probably the youngest of all), so I'm hoping if I can get a letter from my HV they'll agree to let her be one of the first. Think that'll make a big difference.

There are about 100 comments generally on line about if mothers stay home children benefit to 1 which says the opposite so I just think it's nice to right that balance a very little bit compared with the constant barrage that working mothers (never fathers of course) don't bring up their children, that they "farm them out" and that they don't bond with the child. Fathers of course can do no wrong as they are male. They can outsource to a wife or anyone and they are still God.

Most children benefit from influence of others which 24/7 with mother does not always bring. Whereas a lot of time with mother father childminder, nanny, granny or whatever is good for them. Secondly nothing really determines in life success as much as parental income (obviously assuming no abuse) so if a mother can earn a lot of money and pay school fees, pay for university education or a house in an area with good state schools she probably does more good for the child than changing 30 nappies a day rather than 3. In other words there are a good few arguments that many children do better when mothers work. That does not mean that a stay at home mother or father cannot take a contrary view. Je suis Charlie etc - free expression rules and if some are offended by views they do not share then that is democracy. If you are sure your being home is best for baby then we are all happy. It would be a boring planet if we were all clones. It is just very sad that so often women are married to Mr Big Bucks so women never advance at work as the economics mean they've married a high earner and they don't themselves earn enough to make working worthwhile even over a 40 year career. That damages women and your daughters too - another reason to be the higher earner within the couple to help other women achieve fairness at work. Every woman who stops work or puts herself second to her man means it is harder for other women to be different and rise to the top in the company. The personal is actually political - it is not just our own business what we do. We are examples to others.

So if your view is baby is better with mother at home then by pursuing that dynamic you are not just doing good by your baby but to others too as you help other mothers also give up work or go on to a mommy track of short hours. if it's the other way round then returning quickly to work full time and going on to lead the company or the nation is helping other mothers too.

Do you own an island Jilly?

no, she sold it.

It is just very sad that so often women are married to Mr Big Bucks so women never advance at work as the economics mean they've married a high earner

Jilly, I didn't marry a high earner. I married a young man who I met at university. I was the higher earner. We made the choice, eventually, many years later that I would SAH with the dc. As a result of that choice, he is NOW a high earner.

What an idiotic, narrowminded view you have Jilly.

I'm quite sure I'm not the only SAHM who takes their child to playgroups/ activities where they can interact with other children.

SAHM does not equal being with your child alone at home 24 hours a day. Christ.

Yeah, Jilly owns an island. She's so super successful the private school fees meant her son could become a postman and she had a very expensive, very acrimonious divorce which she felt so affronted by she discussed it with the Daily Mail! I only know this because she has a very distinctive, unusual posting style and always mentions very identifiable, very unique details. Proof again that people who post on the Internet aren't always living the dream

no ssd is right, the island was sold.

I can post some benefits to children when mothers work if I like just as stay at home mothers can set out the reasons they think it is best for mothers to be at home. If that upsets either group of women they can always seek therapy or go and have a cry or even better they can read and learn from each other.

I have never said I was super successful. As with most people the things that matter are good physical and mental health (eating well, lots of sleep etc) and good relationships with those whom you love. Some of those things are easier to achieve as a woman if you work full time and earn a lot. Others may take a totally different view. that is fine. It's why we are here not Saudi or North Korea - we are allowed to have different views and to express them.

Also, all pre-schoolers are entitled to 15 free hours of early years funding. This gives every child, irrespective of wealth / family set-up, etc, the opportunity to interact with other children for at least a year before they start school. Mine have all loved playgroup. However, I think we are lucky to have an excellent one in our village, where they also receive a lot of support from SAHPs!

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion. The problem comes when you start stating your opinion as unvalidated "fact", which is what you have done throughout this thread. Your opinion is ignorant, biased nonsense based on very little, as you have been unable to back it up with any hard evidence.

Stick to saying "IMO" when you spout your shit and then perhaps you won't get the responses you do.

Now off you go and have a little cry - I'm certainly not bothered enough about your smallminded bollocks opinion to do so.

You have mentioned numerous times about your success, Jilly. You've said in the past that your success meant you could buy an island. You've proudly said how successful your daughters have been in carving out high powered careers in law, just like you. But you seemed less sure about your son, who became a postman. I hope you've come to realise that this is also worthy, important work, despite it being low earning and nowhere near 6 figures.

I'm a sahm.

The first 50 times another woman asked "what do you do?" and I replied "I'm a SAHM" about 48 of them came back with "oooh, well it's alright for some!" with much judgy sniffing.

Thus I assume many SAHM's say they are lucky to pre-empt potential judgement in the person they are talking to. People are jealous of money and usually superimpose their lifestyle onto others when imagining their situation - I.e. if they live in a big house and have two cars and three holidays and pay for private school for their five kids they seem imagine my family do all that too but on one wage.

Nowadays I say something ridiculous like "i'm a kept whore" or "i roadtest fabric detergents and yogurt flavours" which avoids the sniffing. It also puts prickly judgy people who are clearly just spoiling for a fight off talking to me which is nice.

Oh is Jilly the artist formerly known as Greengrow, née Xenia? Interesting!

kitchen, you've given me some ideas .

Seriously, I often get asked when I'm going back to work. I even hear it from or two who say something like "Oohh, not long now until you have to join the rest of us back in the world of work". I mean WTF? Why do people feel entitled to say that? Once or twice, I've said "working's not for me. I've become used to being a kept woman". They really show their true cats arse face then. Sadly though, it doesn't seem to stop them talking to me, as they'll ask me again two weeks later!

George, I imagine they're just a bit insecure with their own choice or jealous that you've got the option to be sahm.

Ihategeorgeosborne start asking them when they're going to give up work and "join the rest of us"! This would be a fascinating social experiment or at least good for a laugh.

My other fave conversation is "what do you do?"
"I'm a SAHM"
"Oh. Well. What did you USED to do."
I usually tell them about the data entry jobs I did before I graduated...

I also tell people that "when the time comes" I'm going to write novels. Which I fucking am! And I bet here and now that even once I get a movie deal on my bestseller it is STILL me who lays the patios and phones the plumber simply because I'm better at that sort of stuff than DH, not because he earns more than me so I'm his slave.

You might be right Meech, but I dread seeing certain women at the school and deliberately slow down or speed up to get passed them / avoid them. Yeah, I'm still on for writing my best seller kitchen. If only I knew where to start. I'm sure I've got a novel in me somewhere. We could call it "Women vs Women"

A strong role model in any family and a happy family surely that's the way forward...strong women I love, strong women who belittle men (with sons who will be men -or postmen) that's not good. Girl power eh

Surely most Sahm are sacrificing something? Not lucky not to work probably too busy facilitating everyone else's needs and ambitions,

George we could just handpick and paraphrase from here and call it "how to be a cunt". Shall we do alternate chapters? ;) It is sad but I too avoid some playground people. Life is too short to go about validating/judging everything everyone else does by doing whatever it is I'm doing, it takes up enough energy just doing it without attaching all the assumed hidden implications about others!

Anyway OP I think the problem is that you are attempting to rationalise your own choices against those of others. Which is frankly never going to work. You're going back to work, for whatever reasons. Who gives a flying fuck what other people are doing or how they feel about it? I mean unless they are a close friend in desperate need of support due to their shitty lifestyle, does it really matter?

Thing is though, what do you say when someone asks you what you do and the answer is something that is a lot of people's ideal?

I work part time flexibly from home and lots of people I know think that's perfect. It seems rude to not acknowledge that but it's also a bit presumptuous to imply I think the SAHMs should be working and the full timers should be at home more by saying I'm lucky! I just say I work 2-3 days and leave it at that unless asked.

There's lots of different permutations to how peoples lives have panned out, I don't see how anyone can judge one lifestyle or another.

fred- maybe we all scarifice something in life. I stay in one place despite having wanderlust because it gives my life stability.
All parents have to sacrifice in some way- SAH or not. We sacrifice unbroken sleep if a baby needs fed. We take our kids to the park even though we woud prefer to lie in bed and read a newspaper.

I would suggest all parents sacrifice something- because children need to be put first sometimes.